Tuesday, August 08, 2006

When you're young, and I mean a kid- someone in school- you're in a position of boundless hope. Everything is about tomorrow, and you've got plenty of time. You're living. And building. Building potential for the day when you get to use it. Learning. Procrastination is an inherent element of youth and you allow yourself to wait for so much. You'll get there when you're older.

You have principles. I have principles. Strong borderline-absurd ideas about who I am and what I am doing here and how I want to do it. Age erodes all of this as I stand on the shaken earth that was once the core of my identity. What will I stand for, how will I take what comes my way? What will I tolerate, what will I embrace, what will I neglect and let disintegrate?

What does any one person need to have?

I don't know. Stability, money, love, confidence, a sense of self, friends, sex, health, fun, relaxation, joy, delight, to be understood, to be heard, art, to be able to express self, desire for something that matters.

And if you don't have these things you need to have hope that you will have them in the future.

Marriage, kids, a steady job, a nice apartment, big tits, a vacation, to be at the shore on a sunny day, to get out, to get wasted, to get off.

There's always going to be so many things. Some of these things you don't need at all, but something inside you, not having, not knowing, will leave you wanting. To some you need all of these things, or you will need them some day, but maybe not today.

No maybe I won't be pregnant today. But probably, some day.

Will I need that to be complete?

I don't know but I am something right now without it. Maybe I'll need that one day, when I get closer to the end. Before my womb shrivels and potentials expire.

Right now I feel like I need the shore in summertime but I tell myself I am ok without it, it's too complicated to make that happen and I've got too many other things that need attending to. Like my goals and dreams, including the ones that I'm foolish for having.

The need for love is the biggest bitch of all needs. You can't make it happen when you want it and if it's happened to you once, you'll always want more of it. Even when you hate all of its packaging and the things that fragile erratic beast requires.

I want to be somebody, I think I need to be something but I'm not sure what that will mean. I was once almost so many things and here I am now being something and I don't know if it's anything.

When I grow up.
Well I'm full well grown.

Time to start makin shit happen, at least the shit that I can control.
Time to find the fate that I can manipulate.

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