Friday, September 29, 2006

Thursday, September 28, 2006

What a night!

Last night was pretty incredible. First off- we rented a trailer for the shoot since we needed it for a lot of demanding outdoor shots. Trailers are super fun! I liked being in a living room on wheels going through the city.

We started out in the meatpacking district in front of Hotel Gainsevoort. I wanted soup and went to the nearby Fatty Crab for takeout. They all suggested the fish soup. So I ordered it. Well, when I opened it up, there were lots of little fishheads in there and it was kind of funky, but I wasn't all that prepared for how innocuous it would be. Basically everyone yelled at me to get the hell out of the trailer. So I did. And it was so stinky that when I went outside, the cast and crew told me to get the hell away from them. I was a real stinky finky and I hated it- and I was still hungry. So I went back to the Fatty Crab and asked for a new soup. I got one. And I saw this waiter there that my friend really wanted to bone the last time we went there but we didn't have the balls to say anything. Found out he was married. Ew! Who get's married anyways ... lame!

Anyhow, after that we headed to the City Hall Fountain to shoot an incredible scene. There were, or course, a lot of funny moments - such as watching a young family observe our shooting excitedly while their little sons ran up to the fountain. Yay, happy family! You're watching a gay porn being filmed! Good for you!

We were pretty nervous about getting the shot. We only had an hour till the fountain was scheduled to shut off, and this fancy blip light kept running out of electricity cause there were problems with the generator. I greeted a select few reporters I invited to the shoot, and chatted with a hot dude that wondered on set. I like hot dudes. Anyway, it came out great. Savanna and Michael looked fucking amazing and I was happy to be part of the whole thing. Oh, and at the end of the night when we went to wrap up and head home, we discovered we could not get in the one room of the trailer. And on the outside it was a rockin. My boss sure likes doing it. But I guess everyone already knew that.

Check out more lovely pictures here.

As for tonight, well, I actually have some time to myself to go out for the first time in weeks. But I'm kinda sick and my have a painful headache that feels like my brain is bleeding into my neck. Boy oh boy I sure hope it is. God my life is the mothafuckin dopest. Time for bed ... aka time to shove toast in my socks! That's my favorite thing to do before I go to sleep.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

As I sat on the bus this morning I thought of the time I went cliff jumping in high school. I grew up about 40 minutes east of the Delaware Water Gap and kids would drive there on warm summer days and find tall things to jump off of. Our first stop was a rock quarry near the gap and there were a number of different heights to jump from. I am a real wuss so I only jumped the 25 ft cliff, and before I did it I got really scared cried softly yet idiotically to myself. It wasn't a sad cry but a weird, I'm scared, but smiling, and I got all the way up here and have to get down somehow wussy cry. Then this one girl a year younger than me who was really pretty and thin with soft features surprised us all. She found her way to the top of something spraypainted "The Jesus Jump" 69 ft high ... approximately. And then she jumped. None of the boys had the balls to do it. Only her - a girl who I never thought much of, especially since she was 1 year younger- something that made a big difference in high school days ... I thought about how cool she was for doing that.

So I thought of the girl that jumped the insanely high jump and remembered the other parts of the day, when we went down by the river rapids, and later on the drive home when my boyfriend tried to outrun the cops with his car on the highway ... a whole other story in itself.

When I woke up that morning I didn't realize it would be one of those days I would always remember. And it's hard to think that so many days wind up completely forgotten, their details blurred into vague opaque traces in the mind. I remember thinking about remembering in a play I did in college. There was a line about a teacup. The character said something like, "Take this teacup ... I have the whole thing here and I can probably remember having it, but will I remember the handle, the color, the curve of the cup? No, just bits and peices but not the whole ..." Or it was something like that. I don't remember.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

I got orange juice on my wife beater

this morning on the bus. I was up in time to grab a fresh squeezed before I got picked up en route to the spectacular Port Authority Bus Terminal, the most lovely Bus Terminal in town. The juice made me feel a little better since I woke up with a sore throat (yay! it's my turn to get sick again, me next! me next! little germies ...) but it also gave me a super glam orange stain on my white tank top (which I have layered under a snuggly blue sweater-shrug). This has been purely informational.

Anyhow, we had a big day shooting for Michael Lucas' La Dolce Vita at the Marc Jacobs Store yesterday with press going nuts (the product of my late nights and weekends of work, mind you!) but I can't really talk about it here, right now, for reasons I can't really talk about. At this time anyway.

But here's a picture. With me in it. Cause I was there! I like being places. I always have ever since I was a small girl in the quaint New Jersian countysides of yesteryear.

Oh boy. I wish I could tell you about the adventures and crazy things that have been happening in the last few days. But I don't think I am suppposed to. At least not yet anyways. My life is a gay amusement park. Shhhh.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Show and Tell!

Friday night's Sexytime Comedy Show.

Photo by Brian Van.
Savanna caught me off guard! I was a bad kisser too cause I was nervous and apparently blushed a good deal ... Look at Brandy's reaction - priceless!
Savanna was so funny, and our other performers- Andy Borowitz, Leo Allen, and Chelsea Perretti, were fantastic!!!

- More pictures from the Sexytime show are here.

Pictures from Saturday afternoon's fashion show:
Me n Musto

And me apparently trying to think ...

Amanda Lepore- so fabulous it hurts! (I also heart Jun on the way left and Paul on her right! (Sorry I don't know the name of the glam polkadotted one ...

Also from Brian Van.

- more from Brian Van at the fashion show
- from Big Sky Vibe
Me at work!

There were tons of pics taken so I know I'll have even more fun ones in a few days ... and I've got more stories to tell too.

Thursday, September 21, 2006


So, the only comedy show I have this month is the ultra amazing Sexytime Comedy show, and yeah, it's midnight before the filming of the biggest scene in our movie. And not, I don't know how I'm gonna pull it off. But my goal is to enjoy the hell out of it and have fun while doing it.

Midnight Sept 22
at Mo Pitkins
34 Ave A btwn 2nd and 3rd Streets

- Andy Borowitz, author of the Borowitz Report, creator of the Fresh
Prince of Bel-Air, and CNN/Best Week Ever guest!
- Leo Allen, half of the Slovin and Allen duo, former SNL writer, and
delightful standup who's been seen on Ed, Upright Citizens Brigade and
Comedy Central!
- Chelsea Peretti, standup and co-creator of the New York City
Rejection Line: (212) 479-7990 and of web satire, and Village Voice writer as well as other fun
- and Porn Star Savanna Samson will be stopping by to delight us with
a super fun Q and A.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

I would not have a problem with a future that does not contain Chiahuahas.

Death to you sleeping infidel!

I saw a man on the the bus this morning wearing a VERY COOL looking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Track Jacket. I wholeheartedly instantly wanted to touch his downtheres in a gentle and loving manner. That was the first thing to cross my mind. Ordinarily a man's track jacket isn't enough, but that really did it for me.

One of the highlights of my day was hearing my boss say in his accent "Fix the balls". He was talking about man balls. He wasn't ordering me to fix balls myself, just letting me know to tell someone that certain balls needed improvement.

I worked till 10:30ish and a mouse came by. I was all like "Hey mouse I gotta get this work done, fucking seriously mouse, I don't need this right now. You scurry so steadfastly, it makes me fear you." But HE DIDN'T LISTEN TO ME. Ugh, I so did not need this insolent, self-centered mofo all up on my stash. But whatever. I can't help falling in love with you.

Wha? I need sleepies. But before I go, did somebody ask for cool? Here it is just in case.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Let's Start Over.

Here's a woman with basketballs for boobs. It's unfortunate because she can't wear many good shirts and her chest tastes like rubber, but she's got a good attitude about it and she teaches me a lesson. That when life gives you basketballs for breasts, you've got to lie upside down with good hair and smile. Which is a lot like the tale I'm about to tell- are you ready, ok!

So- if you've been reading this blog recently, it's pretty much "blah blah blah I'm busy and boo hoo I wanna cry" and then something about some sort of butthole bear. I've been busy before, but never like this- where I have so many amazing opportunities in my personal life, from my comedy to social stuff- and I have to blow them all off. Usually when I'm in busy mode, that means I am doing all the important stuff, and usually I just neglect to clean my room, do my laundry, or return some phone calls- but nonetheless I can tackle everything I really care about.

But no, I've had to cancel out the things I enjoy. Terminator 4- put off, Hoboken Comedy Night- has to wait till October, Sexytime Comedy Show- under rehearsed, blog- suffering, secret stuff I've been up to- not up to it ... you get the idea. Couple that with phone calls from friends being all "Hey why don't you come do this awesome thing with these awesome people?" and I'm all "I can't", and the fact that the summer's over and it was just too inconvenient for me to have any real vacation- well I felt like shit. It's drilled into my mind to always always make the most out of every situation and find some way to enjoy it. To let a summer pass me by without making the best of every sunny day, well ... I'm not ok with it. And throughout the summer, anytime I had a free moment, I just didn't know what to do with it. Which big thing do I work on? And when I did go out with friends I got nervous about not being at home, writing.

Well all of that's over. LA was pretty much the pinnacle of my shit-tastic adventures in being a lameass. At the end of that long crapfactory of a trip, I decided that my job was not worth letting it get in the way of my ambitions.

LA was like that.

But I finally came to terms with the fact that leaving my job is not the answer for various reasons and after a certain conversation. For so long I just couldn't get over all of the dissapointment I harbored for myself. But at this point, I've let it go. I actually let it go last Thursday. Since then I've sucked it up and accepted that I might be making a bad decision sacrificing my comedy like this. But this is just how things are working out and it's too fucking bad for me if I don't roll wit it.

And the thing that I always laugh at is when people say oooh gay porn- what on earth do you do for that ... and think it's some kind of nothing job- well, let me explain this: Do you know what Vivid is? We're like gay Vivid in NYC. A big studio and a major company and I am the head of PR- which means all communication with media that our company makes. I got it more on my ability to kick ass in an interview and have a diverse background than actually being qualified in a traditional resume way.

So aside from the daily needs of the company, being: getting movies into the hands of media who write about this (adult and gay outlets, occasionally mainstream when I can, and do find a way to make it interesting for them), and managing Michael Lucas who becomes more of a celebrity day by day- right now we are shooting a major production indeed is the biggest thing ever made in the gay adult industry. We did something of this scale last year and this year we are doing it bigger and better. The only problem is that unlike non-adult entertainment where people will drop anything to work with you, we have a lot more obstacles to deal with since certain people don't want to be affiliated with what you're doing. Which also means more work divided among less people, and last minute issues and problems galore- meaning we're all on call to take care of major situations all day every day.

IMG_7602.jpg (From the shoot)

Plus I'm not only planning events and coordinating things with major press and celebrity cameos involved in what we are shooting right now, I'm also in it. I play Heather Weathers, reporter. And when I play extra roles at work I feel extra stressed to do it well because it's my coworkers on the other side of the camera and I don't want to fuck anything up for them. Today we filmed the first scene- you should read about it here. The filming part was fun and certainly all of the non-sex scenes were just like a real shoot on location and all. Anyhow, this takes me out of the office when I've really got to be on top of all these things. I guess it's like this- take a regular office job, add another job working on a feature film (something notorious for crazy hours), and add the job of on-camera talent ... and- well maybe you'll get why I'm where I'm at.

But- I'm able to blog now at least. Cuz like I said, I'm sucking it up and a lot happier for it. I can actually think, it's like I've given myself a sort of clean-slate. I let go of so much just coming to terms with the fact that this is my reality. And now I'm actually able to enjoy it.

Other things ...

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip is a great show. Loved that they referenced "Network". You should see that movie if you haven't yet. Here's hoping that it changes SNL. Anyhoo Studio 60 is easily one of the best shows on TV now, though I do wish that Matt Perry was still cute. And I'm glad for DL Hughley that someone gave him something to do. I like me some Amanda Peet. She's a swell kinda gal. A gal's gal. Not like a lesbian just that I think she could give me good head. And by head I mean friendship. Uh ...

Learn about Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome.

Songs you should download:
Johnny Cash- "If you could read my mind."
Bright Eyes- "Devil in the Details"
Death Cab- "Someday you will be loved"
Edith Piaf- "La Foule"
Pedro the Lion- "Almost there"
The Vines- "Winning Days"
Sufjan Stevens- "That Dress Looks Nice on You" and "Kill"


After ten years of popular demand, The State is available again! The
first season of the critically acclaimed 1993-95 MTV Series will be
released on iTunes Music Store, starting Tuesday, September 26th.
Depending on how many people download, MTV will release subsequent
seasons, and then eventually, hopefully, a DVD.

The first season includes introductions of favorite State characters
Doug, Louie, Barry & Levon. From the minds that brought you RENO 911!,
WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER, and STELLA: Kevin Allison, Michael Ian Black,
Ben Garant, Todd Holoubek, Michael Patrick Jann, Kerri Kenney, Thomas
Lennon, Joe Lo Truglio, Ken Marino, Michael Showalter and David Wain.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Just Bein Fancy ...

The most annoying thing about my confused little busy mind is that when I do have free time, the things I choose to fill it with seem poorly chosen and sometimes downright silly willy! I suppose I can share those examples later ...

I took down that long blog the other day cause it just wasn't articulate enough and you people gotta give me some poetic license. You must understand that I can't always give whole stories on here because I must carefully protect certain anonymity when necessary. So I'll refer to events and people in not entirely accurate or complete ways. Often times its much more about me trying to share something I think y'all will relate to- so it's more about what happens in the end versus the stupid details. So there's no point in picking those apart, mmkay? And like I said before, I am not a fan of complaining. I hate when I or anyone else does it and I don't want to subject anyone to it unless I just gotta.

Yesterday's Mandate of Heaven show was great. The crowd was packed- there had to have been hundreds of people there. Maybe from Arrested Development was there along with a ton of fun magazine people too. I didn't get too much chance to interact with people though cause we had to stay for pictures and change outfits, etc. The best thing was the girls there. There were some real models, but it was mostly just pretty cool ladies. And the real models were very cool too. I know that the designer Carissa only invites people she likes, so I guess she's a good judge of character. I really enjoyed being surrounded by great peeps all day long.

I did my usual thing considering my demographic and got wasted on Friday and Saturday nights which was a relief cause I couldn't drink in LA on account of my having to drive everywhere (how do those west coast freaks do it?!). Oh, and attention world- if I text you and it's on a weekend night and it's really unintelligible, uh, well there's no excusing it, but I do that I guess.

It's Sunday night at 8:30 and I am still at work ... looking forward to the fun celebrity cameos in their big scenes for La Dolce Vita (that's the bulk of what I am working on aside from the day to day needs of the company). And PLEASE email me if you don't work during the day and work in NYC cause we need all the extras and help we can get ... and yes there is fun to be had. Oh AND I play a role in the film- Heather Weathers, live reporter. So on top of the planning and the working I'll be on set away from my desk.

Oh, AND there's Sexytime this Friday night! I don't know how I will pull it off. It's really important that if I take your time to have you see a show that I am in, that I "bring it" and put on an awesome show for you to enjoy. I wish I had more time to pre-plan some bits but I think I'll just do my best to host my heart out with Brandy. You have no idea how much happier I will be when I get the chance to work on the funny stuff again!

I also finally updated some pics on my flickr page, there's some good stuff there. You can also check out Brandy's pics from last night. Please be warned, in some of the pics I had a hard time with my fake lashes, which I fortunately got used to later on, and so I look stupid. But that's ok cause you should see what a great job Carissa did on the outfits!

Brandy Crawford is my mothafuckin favorite.

Look, while I'm a workin on the weekend, abandoning my amazing comedy partner, Brandy and leaving her to her own devices- she's making nice on our sexytime website!

Check out where you can find details about our show this Friday at Midnight, and see some pics from last night's fashion show. I will be updating my pics shortly as well.

Friday, September 15, 2006

OH MAN, It hurts like a mothafuckin suckapunch to my chicknutz (yeah I got chicknutz cause I am a mad special lady) to be so busy like this. So busy that I neglect all of the things that I enjoy- like my comedy, my blog, my other blog, my social life, my "projects" that are "up in the air" that I "need to be working on", I mean shiiit I don't even have time to give proper myspace messages or answer my gchats with the flair that I'd prefer.

And I took down yesterday's blog because I am honestly not entirely ok with revealing my own sadness. I'll reveal embarrassing, intimate stuff, sure- but I guess I've got issues with putting negativity out there. It bothers me. When I get a moment I'll comb through what I wrote and put some of it back up.

On a positive note, part of me felt like it was dying- not being able to focus on my comedy ambitions cause I am so consumed by my job in the skin biz ... and I was so severely afflicted by these frustrations that I was seriously ready to walk out on all of it. But in the end, I realize that it's just not time. After a heart to heart with the boss, who I've been on some rocky ground with no doubt due to all the crazy shit that's going on- I got a new sense of how valuable I was to him, and really, in the end I don't want to leave yet. Yeah, part of me is so not cool with the fact that this job has taken over so much of my time since it's interfering with my ambitions. But I'm here, and I've got to deal with it and continue to make the most of it. So I let out a deep breath as I continue to not return phone calls and let opportunities pass me by left and right, and I continue to be half-assed about things I really really don't want to be half-assed about.

And when I have a chance, I'll pick up my pieces and get my own shit together again. (Oh, and I do have some great pictures to update y'all with. They shall arrive soon enough.)

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Your New Friend.

I'm up to stuff all mysterious like. Can't type. Please enjoy this fantastic and useful new product. readers, meet Butthole Bear™. Butthole Bear™, meet readers.

Butthole Bear ordering information.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

This weekend was one of the worst times I've had in my life.
And to be honest I've been very unhappy lately.

But I'm back.
I've got stories.
I'll tell them to you when I have a second of free time, which I am not sure will actually happen any time soon.

But trust me, things are about to get a lot more interesting.

Stay tuned.
wink, wink

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Flying over those canyons my mind was screaming- You need to get out there, get me out of this plane, get me out of this day, just let me go …

I started entertaining all of those fantasies … what if I joined the army, went through boot camp, let someone dominate me and think for me as they control my day while my abs get hard, let them lift me up out of my daily life and place me in some new corner of the world, let me learn how to operate complicated weaponry, let me be surrounded by all-american boys with dirt on their hands … but you have problems with authority figures, and you’re pretty much as anti-war as they come …

What if I went to grad school to study ... comedy? No, I don't know, just,

let me have a reason to drive cross country in a car so that I can see all these things I fly over, let me sit in the parking lot of a 7-11 in the middle of nowhere surrounded by the lonely anonymous that scatter the countryside, just for a moment

Let me be back in Koh Phangan when I sat on the beach that night with those Americans from San Diego who came out for a trip, but ended up investing in real estate and starting new lives on that paradise island, let me be there and let me stay there among those friendly Thai locals in the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen, let me see that sun rise one more time like I did when I stayed up all night and took the ferry back to my bungalow so I could see the sun’s colors reflect differently on all sides of the island as I passed …

Give me another moment in Holland with my uncle and my family who shower me with infinite love and make me feel like I make sense and all the eccentricities of the way I was raised become normal in their eyes … let me place foot to pedal on a bicycle through the fields cross that beautiful country, ending up on some terrace with sparkling iced tea or a Grolsch, or at a house eating chocolate sprinkles on bread in the morning …

Take me back to the hookups of my youth, that night when we drove to this playground with a map painted on the blacktop of America, and he devoured me in each of the 50 states ... Or with the other one in his dorm room in Virginia when his roommates slept below … Or wasted in Miami with that Dutch model in a nightclub on the couch, filthy but perfect …

Give me a moment that’s entirely mine where no one else’s obligations consume me … where I can remember who I am and be the me who I miss, who I haven’t been for a while, let me look in the mirror and see a reflection I recognize.

Drip drip, icy cold.
That motherfucker in the seat in front of me just spilled his drink all over my foot.
Wet sock.
Cold wet sock.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

going to LA for the next few days
for work
work that's no fun
dreading it
mopey mopey


will be ending the trip in malibu
hopefully that will make it all better

like those ecto cooler ice cubes the nurse in jefferson elementary school gave us when our throats were sore

they came in cool shapes

i think i even peed myself so that i could spend more time in the nurses office
she had the best posters and usually there was candy
and i could take naps

i want to go to the nurse

Ok. It's time for capitalization and punctuation again. I'm professional.

(This message has been brought to you by and

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Hey guys, I got a makeover! And look at me in front of my new machine- I can have ALL THE COLAS I WANT! And you can't have any. All for me, Princess Heather.

Did I tell you how cool Princess Heather is? She took tylenol PMs before going out on Saturday (thinking they were regular tylenols) and then she drank a lot. Guess what happened? Did she black out in a stranger's bed? No. But she didn't sleep at home. But it's not like she got any either. She really screwed up that night. Ho freakin hum. Princess Heather is a lameo.

Did you know that Barbara Walters won't let Rosie O Donnell blog about the View? I think that Rosie should push Barbara into a wall. Barbara stopped being cool. What gives Barbara? You should do some drugs. Old people really should. They don't have that much longer to live and they often have lots of money. They should just go for it balls out and have a great party time.

My friend Brian shares my love of special guns.

My friend Mark likes stories about poo on the 6 train.

I feel especially sad about Steve Irwin's death because he is my ex-boyfriend. I remember how much he loved ice cream cones and wiffleball. I don't think I'll ever look at a wiffle the same way again.