Saturday, September 09, 2006


Flying over those canyons my mind was screaming- You need to get out there, get me out of this plane, get me out of this day, just let me go …

I started entertaining all of those fantasies … what if I joined the army, went through boot camp, let someone dominate me and think for me as they control my day while my abs get hard, let them lift me up out of my daily life and place me in some new corner of the world, let me learn how to operate complicated weaponry, let me be surrounded by all-american boys with dirt on their hands … but you have problems with authority figures, and you’re pretty much as anti-war as they come …

What if I went to grad school to study ... comedy? No, I don't know, just,

let me have a reason to drive cross country in a car so that I can see all these things I fly over, let me sit in the parking lot of a 7-11 in the middle of nowhere surrounded by the lonely anonymous that scatter the countryside, just for a moment

Let me be back in Koh Phangan when I sat on the beach that night with those Americans from San Diego who came out for a trip, but ended up investing in real estate and starting new lives on that paradise island, let me be there and let me stay there among those friendly Thai locals in the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen, let me see that sun rise one more time like I did when I stayed up all night and took the ferry back to my bungalow so I could see the sun’s colors reflect differently on all sides of the island as I passed …

Give me another moment in Holland with my uncle and my family who shower me with infinite love and make me feel like I make sense and all the eccentricities of the way I was raised become normal in their eyes … let me place foot to pedal on a bicycle through the fields cross that beautiful country, ending up on some terrace with sparkling iced tea or a Grolsch, or at a house eating chocolate sprinkles on bread in the morning …

Take me back to the hookups of my youth, that night when we drove to this playground with a map painted on the blacktop of America, and he devoured me in each of the 50 states ... Or with the other one in his dorm room in Virginia when his roommates slept below … Or wasted in Miami with that Dutch model in a nightclub on the couch, filthy but perfect …

Give me a moment that’s entirely mine where no one else’s obligations consume me … where I can remember who I am and be the me who I miss, who I haven’t been for a while, let me look in the mirror and see a reflection I recognize.

Drip drip, icy cold.
That motherfucker in the seat in front of me just spilled his drink all over my foot.
Wet sock.
Cold wet sock.

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