Thursday, November 30, 2006

dammit



These goddamned Oreos I am eating have no flavor. It's akin to a sexy person having no genitals. I goddamn hate it.

I wrote a press release today and there's an error. A stupid goddamned typo error. ARG. It's sent out into the place it goes. I can't get it back! Farts. I hope nobody notices and hates me.

How can one woman so obviously do this on purpose? And how can she get it so hair free with not one little red irritation? Are there some kind of kick ass lasers out there that the rich and famous get up in their snatchtopias?

I like Pamela Anderson. Kid Rock is a loser. I hope she shoves him into something unpleasant like cut open dead animals. She's cool and I liked her in Borat and V.I.P. and her articles in Jane. People assume she sucks cause she's hot and has tits like an amazing magical rhinocerous who has breast implants. But they are wrong. She's got personality and she seems pretty darn cool. I pray for Ms. Anderson to try doing it with someone cool and not nasty like her past lovers. I like bad boys too and if I were her I'd try doing it with both really super hot dudes and also boyfriend material boys. Is she crazy or do just douchebags try to date her? Oh fuck I've just put too much thought into someone I don't know. I need to stop.

And continue on with these shitty cookies.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

golf the pain away


Ok- so the weekend.
It started off f'ing great. My friend and incredibly funny comedian Jordan invited me to this once a year party thing thrown on T-giving eve. I went last year and there were tons of celebs, but this year was better for 2 reasons- I've gotten over my fear of celebrity (used to find it intimidating and nauseating and weird when I know who a person is and they don't know me), and the people there fucking kicked ass. Oh, and the whisky and the dancing (faves of mine). What was especially cool was that on top of the NY celebs I've seen around town, there were LA ones I've never seen before. Including these highlights:
- The hot dude from the office (american version)- who is SO HOT in person. He has skin like a magical baby.
- Ben Gibbard! I never imagined I'd see him at a party. He seems too emotionally fragile to drink.
- Matt Dillon and Ethan Hawke- 2 really hot older ny famous people. Didn't talk to Dillon but spoke Hawke and he is a really nice dude. (related item: Julie Delpy's Waltz in Before Sunset)
- Artie Lang- nicest famous people encounter ever. And to think that back in my porn hating feminist days I used to hate Stern and all of those on the show (don't any more). Might he do a Hoboken Comedy Night? Maybe :) fingers crossed anyways.
- Heather Graham, still hot, still lame.
- Jimmy Fallon- nice, cute, on coke. I think. Maybe he's just like that.
- Dave Attell- Really drinks like that.
And if you think I'm bragging- I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO. I'm still a nobody, and I'm not cunty or jaded enough NOT to care about meeting these sorts of folks. Please crown me in douchehooddom if I stop caring about such things.

Thanksgiving- nice. Fine. Lovely. Tasty. Family

Friday- Oh what a nice day! I set my mom up with an Ipod for the first time- taught her how to do all the ipody things she needs to do. Went to the hardware store and bought cool shit for the new apartment. It was lovely. UNTIL DINNER TIME.
DINNER OF DOOM
FAMILY FIGHT FROM HELL
ARG.
All fucking bloody piss and hell broke loose. What can I say? Me and my sister are opposites. I want to say I hate her but I can't because I don't. But maybe sometimes a little. I just want her to be happy, but not to actually have to spend time with her. Because it always turns into something awful. I can't explain it. I feel weird saying it. But if I can just say this- she voted for Bush. We're different. In every damn way. But we are both venomous little fighters. It's intolerable. And some people took sides. That hurt for me a good deal. I left.
And even so I think such things are normal and love my family.

That night I had a great time. Hit the driving range at Chelsea Piers with good company, saw Volver (it's AMAZING and Penelope Cruz must be nominated for Best Actress at the oscars. And it's funny. And listen to this clip of her singing- anyone know if that's her or lipsyncing? My word she is lovely.)

And on Saturday I was forced to be civil and pretend everything was ok and see my family at a thing on long island with extended family. And it was really extremely pleasant and forced me to be nice with them when I'd rather go on longer without speaking. But what also lifted my spirit a great deal was cruising down an unusually traffic-free LI Expressway in a good car listening to my music really really loud.

Later that night I saw a really really great comedy show with good friends and then Brandy had a party and I did my favorite thing- get wasted at Brandy's and get all belligerent. And then I crashed on her floor and woke up with an achy body. But it's ok. Because I like floors. Your pants on them. Your mom's pants that is.

Sigh. Exhausting weekend. I see NY Mag's topic of the week is burnout- I anticipate that. I have more on the calendar (not complaining though, it's stuff I look forward to) in December than I've had in any other busy month. Somebody order me a happy ending please.

Monday, November 27, 2006

mmmmm

Once there was this girl who.

Ok- so if there's some shit you have to know about me cause I beat it into your head it's that I'm Dutch and I love Trent Reznor. Well those are just 2 things. I beat a lot of things into people's heads cause I talk a lot, repeat myself, and have a violent disposition.

But oh god. When I watched the youtube video clip posted below, I moaned. Out loud. Like if you heard it you would think it was weird. Like I surprised myself. Like maybe it was creepy that I did it.

Mmmmmm, I like. A lot:
Click it (the visual quality is not good but the sound is decent)
It's not just Trent Reznor, it's Trent Reznor playing my new favorite song (non-entity) that I can't even get on CD yet (does that mean he's doing another album cause he wrote a new song, I hope I hope), and it's Trent Reznor with his super hot post-goth-90s-phase body and his perfect new little beard face, AND HE'S MAKING HIS GREAT WONDERFUL MUSIC WITH AN ORCHESTRA. WTF WTF WTF WTF OMG. So in love.

Check out more videos from his concert in October with live Strings. Click here!
I would pay ludicrous amounts of money to see him perform live with a live orchestra.

Speaking of which, I just got tickets to Calexico at the Allen Room. If that's anything as awesome as Sufjan and the Allen Room I am in for a treat. PS- Bad news, Mos Def's performance there in January is already sold out. Bollux and turds.

PPS- The only business card you'll ever need. For all your needs.

Yawn


exhausting action packed weekend
good and bad
much to tell
not right now
right now, check out sexytime lineup: www.sexytimecomedy.com

was talking about sexy men with boss (big surprise)
he likes alain delon
eurostuff
i like errol flynn
paul newman
scenes from tigerland
cowboys and jokesters
and my usual crushes: Trent Reznor, Peter Krause, Ron Livingston, Billy Crudup, Mike Patton hmmm. gotta get my mind out of the gutter and back into the gay porno ... focus focus be productive.

peace out.

Friday, November 24, 2006

This article just came out. Exit Weekly Magazine is a NJ thingy. Hobokeners can get it in places ... I like the article.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

The making of the fashion show, I'm kinda in this n stuff ...

Renting in Manhattan: A Love Story.


There is nothing more humbling, bullshitty and cocksucky than renting an apartment in manhattan. I'm going to pat myself on the back for taking the very first apartment that I liked (which just so happened to be the first one I saw) because at least I avoided the bullshit of fighting over a place at some horrendous open house. Yeah, I've heard that getting an apartment in Manhattan is a pain in the ass, but this is not like mild post burrito anal discomfort- it's more like being thoroughly buttfucked by a horse.

It all started when we had to haul ass from the lower east side to the real estate agency on wall street to complete our applications for the apartment. That day we also gave a 500 dollar cash deposit. Then we had to gather all kinds of stupid documents and we had to gather them right quickly- everything from W2s (who the fuck puts those where they are supposed to?) to bank statements and all that nonsense. And all the while we had to deal with these real estate agency motherfuckers saying things like "We're pulling for you, we're working hard to get this place for you."

Pulling for me? Really. Hmmm. Well now you've told me that we have to pay $3100 as a fee to you. You fuckers. Oh, and 2 months security deposit. Oh, and you said maybe we could do Dec 15 move in since we have to pay December in Hoboken already. But we have to pay starting December 1st. I hate you so mmuch already.

And oh - what's this now? The landlord is located in Harlem and we have to go there during work to sign the lease?


Wonderful! Let's have a tea party now, shall we?

MOTHER FUCKERS. I'd rather get my car towed than deal with this bullshit. And STOP CALLING ME AND USING TOO MANY WORDS ON THE PHONE! I HATE VERBOSE MOTHERFUCKERS WHO WASTE MY TIME WITH INEFFICIENT WORD USAGE . You are not my friend. You are taking my time and my money to do things I could have done for myself.

I need to think about my delicious 7 by 11 foot bedroom in the heart of the lower east side and bust a chick nut in the delight of my manhattanization. For it is all that I have to keep me going.

FIST IN THE AIR
FIST IN THE GODDAMN AIR
Grrr.
NYC you have been very very bad today. You'd better start thinking now of how you're going to make it up to me. I'm thinking free robots that knit sweaters for every New Yorker by the year 2008. Get to it now. Or else I'll pout more intensely than any one city can handle.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Conservation of Energy

BEFORE
before

AFTER
after

Love,
The Weekend.

Pointers from Miss Manners


When eviting guests to a holiday event, use tact. For example, writing "Please join us for a joint holiday raping of this adorable little lady" might be in poor taste. Rather, something like, "Please celebrate the holidays with me" would be more appropriate.

PS- The folks at evite really prepared for the rampant eviting hipster demographic. Good thinking Evite Incorporated!
Check out pictures from the Sexytime at www.SexytimeComedy.com.

Can't type now ... will type later :)

Thursday, November 16, 2006

The death of Heather Reznor?


Yay! This morning I just got my first metion in Metro's gossip column for Michael, and me n Brandy are in AM NY's listing for Sexytime tomorrow night! (also in Time Out NY and the Onion yay!)

Anyways it was another busy day, but not too busy for me to talk about myself to lots of people- my fave thing to do!

So here's the letter I just wrote to the people I do business with, it may explain some things to y'all:

Dear friends and esteemed colleagues,

I was going to write a goodbye letter to the adult industry this week. I was recruited to work as editor of a new website for a major media company. The job was incredible- I would select and oversee the content - including funny videos and music. The company is based in Paris with offices in New York and Italy and I would be able to travel and seek out arts and entertainment all over the world. And that's not all. There was a goddamned waterfall in the fancy ass office building.

I turned it all down to continue working in gay porn.

Maybe I am some kind of crazy mofo not to be trusted around your children. (probably true as it were)

Or maybe I love this job and Lucas Entertainment is just that great. No maybes. It's great.

Though there've been times when I wanted to KILL Michael Lucas and hang him by his Magnum XLs, at the end of the day, I love this man. A lot. And that means something because he won't even put out for me. (that pesky gay thing) These past months of butt eating and weiner touching have really meant a lot to me. This job is the most fun and interesting thing I've ever had in my life, and it's a privilege to be here.

I made this decision because I realize that I am happy already. I am not going to gamble with something as important as happiness to move to some fancy new job. I believe in myself enough to know that when the time is right, I'll be able to take advantage of new opportunities.

And of course it doesn't hurt that Lucas matched their salary, gave me a new assistant, and FRIDAYS OFF!!! Seriously. That was what made the deal for me. My job as Publicity Director for Lucas had become such a monstrosity of a responsibility, that it interfered with my life's ambition: to be a comedy writer. Now I have Fridays off so that I have time to write and pursue my dreams. I sure as fuck hope that I didn't make the wrong decision, but either way, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I love these homos and smut peddlers!

Finally I'd like to say how much I look forward to the future of Lucas Entertainment. As I watch this young company mature into the fine cast of characters that compose Lucas Entertainment today, I am so proud. From our company's nefarious (JK, LOL, he's the shit!) namesake, CEO and star, Michael Lucas to Tony DiMarco, our endlessly talented Creative Director, to Richard Munguia, our dedicated Director of Sales, to Anthony, our fastidious accountant, to Edmond, the graphic arts genius, and Bryan, our meticulous Production Manager- I'm surrounded by a hardworking and amazing group of people.

Much love,

Heather "gay porn 4 life" Reznor (aka, Heather Fink, and you can call me either)

Monday, November 13, 2006

- I am not leaving Lucas Entertainment. They gave me a great counter offer. And I have Fridays off to write starting in January. I am writing something specific which is a larger project. Sooo I get to chase my dreams and have a day job. I'm fucking thrilled.

- I am moving to Manhattan ASAP. Hoboken Comedy Night will still exist. And it's on Sunday.

- Sexytime

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Lady Bunny is one of my boss' friends. She's a hilarious comedian/dj/drag queen. Back in the day, she touched Sascha Baron Cohen's thingy!!! She's so lucky.

Watch the video above to see Borat pre-Borat!
And check out her blog- she's REALLY REALLY funny.

Friday, November 10, 2006

my greed

I'm 25 - and you know what I want?
I want marriage in 5 years
babies in 10,
and the career from now till I die.
I want the fucking American Dream.

the house, the backyard, the puppy and the kitten, the big closet and the dinner on the table
and I want him to go down on me like there's no tomorrow

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Ooooh a video a video.

Check out this video I am in created by Trevor Williams and Ed Mundy

Watch "Depressions"


PS- Alan Cumming is marrying his dude in England!
(congrats, he's a really awesome guy. both are awesome)
We try the Lucas Pout

That's his dude in the pic with us and Michael.

PPS- spank bank SPANK BANK!!!! A recent amazing safe for work find on jewlust.com (Also, just wanted to say - in high school there was a rumor that jews aren't hung, as I've grown into a lady, I've learned that's not true)

ppsspspsps -

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

I don’t even know what to say. I got a new job. An amazing new job. At a really big fancy company. There is a waterfall in the lobby BUT I don’t have to wear a suit. My job description is really cool. AND the dude who hired me likes my website which means he's cool with the real me and I don't have to pretend to have a stick up my ass! I guess I am entering the legitimacy phase of my life where I grow up and do something really respectable. Respectable. Hmm. Do I really need that? I feel I've got a lot to be fortunate for as it is, do I really need to live a legitimate lifestyle? I’m too used to struggling for what I want. In fact, I’ll cut and paste my law school application essay (personal statement) below so you can see where I’m coming from. It’s cheesy and it was written when I was 20. But, there it is-

Life gives me lemons and I make champagne. No one has ever handed me any freebies or taken me under their wing, but I accept that and I maximize the potential of what I have been given. I strive to create a legitimate self without becoming an opportunist whose self is merely an amalgamation of chance. In other words, life does not happen to me in some kind of neat cycle. Any illusion of ease or privilege has been a contrived effort on my part. The world is not handed to me on a silver platter. I take a silver platter and set it down before myself, which is what I did when I created Capitol goga.

When I came to The George Washington University, I auditioned for the school's one and only comedy group, Recess. I did not make the group. With no outlet to perform and create my favorite things, I was devastated, but that was not the worst news I was about to receive. Apparently, I had not made the group because, from the words of the group itself, "I'm sorry, but we're not looking for a girl this year."

Instead of suffocating my talents and desires by accepting the fate Recess had bestowed upon me, I created my own group, an all female comedy group. I directed the group, created the website, coordinated our press, logos, t-shirts, gigs, auditions, wrote sketches, edited videos and orchestrated the logistics of the group. I did not care how much of the work I took on. I did whatever it took to not only create a group, but to create a fantastic group.

Our first show sold out with more than one hundred seats filled, and with people standing in the back. In our first summer, we performed at New York City's Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. This past September, we had a turn out of over two hundred people. This December I graduated, and I performed with the group in my last show. Before we went on stage together for my last time, the girls shared their feelings about how this group has changed their lives and opened up doors for them. I learned that this group has become intensely important to the lives of others. And more importantly, I did not have to abandon the political causes I cared about to get to this point. We used the ticket money from our big shows each semester to raise an approximate total of eight hundred dollars for charity. Every semester we contacted GWU Student Organization based charities and asked them to apply to receive our show ticket money. We contacted such organizations because we support the interests of our student and DC community when we give back. We helped Alpha Epsilon Phi raise money for their philanthropy, the Elisabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation. We also gave to The Campaign to End Abortion Clinic Violence. This past semester we gave ticket proceeds to PUSH America’s fund to help the disabled and also to a personal fund to assist the former residents of a 21st street house that burned down. As an alumnus, I continue to work to support the group in their efforts. This summer Capitol goga will continue their success by performing in Chicago and New York City once again. I now leave behind a fantastic group of ladies who will create comedy, while giving both laughter and support to our community. Capitol goga will be a part of their lives, and the life of the University, indefinitely.



Ok ok ok, let's push this aside and embarrasingly let you judge this thing however you want. That's who I was then, and when I became a failure in my own eyes, shitting out of law school and starting with a 24,000 a year job in entertainment, and then moving into porn and becoming a mediocre comedian, let's just say that at times I felt like a real fucking loser. And let's add to that slice of sugary failure pie that I dated a guy this summer who I started off with "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" mutual agreement, and then I developed feelings for him, while he fell in love with someone else - while with me- who is now his girlfriend. Yes I felt like a turdface who sucked ass - and we are just talking the past few months. Sure, there were plenty of things to feel good about but sometimes you just can't embrace those things cause you are surrounded by bullshit. Or just because the fragile human heart allows debris to seep through it's bounty of cracks ...

Whatever it is, sure enough things are looking up- in every way from my comedy, to boys, to now my future ... and it's nice ...

Did I mention I'm drunk right now? Yet again I was at an open bar. I had whisky. At this weird event at MOMA. Last night a homeless man fell on my legs and I was too weirded out to move or react. I hated it. And earlier that night I did a reading to a room explaining to all of them how much I loved cock. And truth be told by the end of that reading I thought about weiners so much I got all hot n bothered. But I did keep it to myself and just got an ice cream cone instead.

Man, I love Michael Lucas (go ahead, click the link, just don't scroll down tooo far past the text ...). I can't even begin to explain the complexities of our relationship and the wonderful amazing journey I've been through with this company and all the adventures I had. What a fucking cool thing I just did! I'm really sad and nervous that it's about to end (in the end of December). What happens next?!

Wow Democrats!

So there is hope for America! Oh the shamey shame I can shake off when e'er I do set foot upon foreign soil. Oh the human rights that are less in danger!

Ha ha Bush, you can finally do the ass kissing that your lips so desperately deserve.

As a Democrat I've been hanging my head real low ever since I watched us lose the election in 2000 while at the DNC headquarters. You have no idea how sad that room was. And when we got our faces rubbed in the dirt in 2004, well. It really really sucked. I dunno if you guys knew this, but I actually used to get out and campaign and go on the road to other states and all the nonsense that an idealistic college dork might do. This is the first time I've had hope for this country in years.

PS- Bush is a doo doo head.
PPS- Lieberman will switch parties once inside, right? If Jeffords did it I don't see why he wouldn't.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

The terrorists did win.
We voted for Bush and the country turned to shit.

Listen you wussy ass organic cupcake eating liberal fucktards: Just vote today. It's very punk rock and cool to have the president lose control of congress.

Monday, November 06, 2006

1) New flickr pics up on my flickr page. They are from BRANDY's camera because I DON'T have a camera anymore. That's my fault and I deserve to suffer because I am a shitty fuck face.
2) Thoughts of the old TV show Bosom Buddies entered my frontal lobe. So OF COURSE I googled them. I Hate www.BosomBuddies.com. Hey fuckfarts over at bosombuddies.com- that's a misleading URL!
3) WHY do I have to perform in a show when DARREN ARONFSKY is speaking for free at the Apple Store in SoHo tonight (at 7pm)? I saw Spike Lee talk there over a year ago and it was fanfuckingtastertic. Aronfsky is so incredible! As a director, he is able to warp and manipulate your gut so severely. I wish I could hear this brilliant man speak.
4) Yeah, so I read my cock essay in Williamsburg (Brooklyn, not colonial Virginia) tonight. 8pm, Galapagos. More info in the sidebar of this website. Right over there ---->
5) Hoboken Comedy Night last night was great- I loved all of the performers and the audience! That made me happy.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Drank Drinks. Beered my sweater pants.

Ok, so I was really looking forward to this party Friday night. My friend sent me an invite and told me she went last year and it's the funnest ever. (Thank you Shayna.) So I sent it to some of my homies and we RSVPd and I was all set n looking forward to going AND THEN Gawker went and posted it on their site. So I thought: Boooo! It's ruined and it'll be packed and we won't be able to get in anymore!

But we did get in. We were all on the list accept for one, and so I told her to tell the guy her name firmly with confidence- and he ended up crossing someone else's name off the list- yay! So we all got in, and once inside, we learned that it was OPEN BAR. OPEN FUCKING BAR. So there I am drinking shots and beers for free - and there's snacks. And all my homies are chillin wit me! Anyhow, we have our fun there for a little while and decide to go to another great party we know about- which is on the same block! What lovely convenience!!! At this point I am just so pleased with how all my needs are being met by the night I don't think it can get better. But it does. The next bar, Cake Shop, wasn't letting anyone in not on the list- but Adam hooked my whole group of people up- and this party had better music and free Sparks! I was so drunk in a good way.

In fact, I've come to learn something. When I get to a certain point where I know I am drunk- and it really doesn't take much - I start saying and doing absurd and ridiculous things. Pretty much every morning I wake up after one of these nights, someone will tell me, or I will remember something that will make me say "I did what?! Why?". Morning me is really pretty entertained by the antics of drunk me (how's that for narcissism, eh?). I guess it sounds like it should be bad to wake up to absurdity, but I think it's pretty harmless. I'm not drinking insane quanties and I'm rarely puking. BUT when I drink I instantly start becoming a little Animal. Like this Animal:


So back to the weekend- this behavior started happening- and I started yelling gross/silly stuff at people and laughing really hard at it. And this one guy didn't understand that I was joking around and he should move along and not talk to me. So he didn't end the conversation or get that I wasn't being confrontational, I was just saying random silly nonsense. So he wouldn't go away and I just yelled "Goddamn it why can't this conversation end now!" And he was like "You're a bitch and blah blah boring boring words" And I was like, "Seriously, If you don't stop talking to me I am going to punch you in the face!" And he was like "I'm gonna punch you in the face." And then I was like "GREAT! Punch me in the face if that's what it takes to make you stop talking to me!" And that was when Adam grabbed me and escorted me away from the situation. Great thinking Adam! Walking away is a simple and effective solution that didn't occur to me. I should use that more often. If you are talking to someone you don't wanna be- don't say anything- just abort and leave!

So I woke up Saturday thinking about that absurd moment, and then this morning I was reminded that I kept pouring beer on my crotch and thinking it was funny. Brandy thought it was a dumb idea cause that would make my crotch cold when I went outside. Fortunately I was wearing these child size sweater pants and the crotch was located below my actual crotch cause they were too small and so I didn't feel it. HA. I beat the system.

Anyhoo, I had a good weekend- thank you friends and alcohol! I'm pretty happy about it. Often times nights can turn out crappy, but not this weekend, no sir. I guess I'll thank god and Jesus for all the nice fun I had. Thanks dudes! I coulda just sat around farting on my sock drawer but you came out and made me some nice parties. Hugz!

Friday, November 03, 2006

OHMYFUCKINGGOD. TRENT REZNOR JUST GOT EVEN HOTTER.

Ok so first he starts going to the gym and packin a slammin motherfuckin body on top of his awesomeness and hottedfacedness- and now he has supercute facialstubblehairs. RAWGEGRRADACKK. That is the sound of someone will be spending the next few hours in her bed alone with 60 backs of batteries and some juice for energy and stamina.



PS- Go to Hoboken Comedy Night at the Goldhawk, corner of 10th and Park at 8pm this Sunday.
If you click this link and then click "more" under their first blog post, you can see a short video clip of me performing a dramatic interpretation of "My Neck My Back". I was robbed of winning that damn competition. Robbed!

Blam


Why Blam? Cause I'm feelin it is why.

Last Night I witnessed the following:
- HYsteria due to the Latin Grammy's at MSG. The streets were packed with people and cameras, red carpet nonsense- it was insanity like I've never seen.
- Riot at the sample sale. It was supposed to go until 7pm, doors closed at 6:30 and these other people who were there got SO angry I thought they might rip the flesh off the security guard with their teeth. (Earnest Sewn sample sale: 76 Greene St Nov 8-10, 8am-8pm, Nov 11, 10am-5pm; went last year, long line- but it was sooo worth it- great pants for boys and girls!)
- I went to see a friend's improv group perform at Variety Underground last night and wound up doing a set. I felt good about doing it, which is nice, cause I wasn't enjoying standup as much lately ... so, I'm back? Yeah. I am. I'll make an effort to do more shows.
- On the same stage, 72 year old lesbian sang really dirty songs and it was fucking unbelievable
- Then I met up with Adam cause he was hosting a CMJ show and we were gonna do a comedy bit ... and there was a band called Cinemechanica and they had TWO DRUMS! TWO DRUMMERS! It was sooooo good. I love that shit.

This morning I got Pride of Baghdad by B K Vaughan in the mail. I can't wait! It's about these lions living in war torn Iraq. The lions talk in the word bubbles. Oh boy.

Wearing skirts makes me feel more frisky. It's like all there, like just, you know ... THERE. I can feel the goddamned breezes, or "air sluts" if you will. Teazes those breezes.

I, much like everyone else with brain cells, am eagerly anticipating the Borat movie, which I will surely enjoy- but it's kind of making me sick. He's really saturated everything. Their PR people kick ass. Unfortunately he is so likeable that kind of like Napoleon Dynamite, I anticipate that people will kill the fun of Borat. Indeed, Sexytime Comedy show is named after a Borat-ism.

And lastly but not leastly, I have a new intern who works for a bakery and brings me treats EVERY time he comes in! I feel like such a special lady!!! Although I've gotten more flowers and candy from gay porn boys than any man I have ever dated. Oh well. That's a fact I can accept. Because I have to.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Dear people who call other people "sluts".

(note: if you don't like rants, you won't like this!)
Are you serious?! Someone who uses that word and means it reflects so poorly on that person's character. First of all, when a person uses the word slut it probably comes from some fucked up, hostile, bitter place inside of a person. I imagine that place houses other selfish hateful urges like the "I'll show them some day when I'm famous" kind of thoughts. It's either mouthed by someone who is jealous, insecure, puritanical or sexually frustrated.

AND I HATE people who judge others.

There's people out there who I dismiss and hate- but not based on surface shit like what they do- because what they are doing could be a mistake, naivete, or the result of livin and learnin. Everyone is flawed. All strong people are equally weak in some way or another. I despise gossip and people who hate on celebrities. It's fun to make fun of them, especially when they do something obviously heinous like rape people, but how can people give Lohan and Paris Hilton such a hard time? Who gives a fuck about girls wanting to party and get out of hand? So many people hate these girls so much but celebrity is so absurd and I'm sure it's difficult to handle. I can't imagine the embarrassing things taken out of context that people would hate on if I was followed by paparrazzi.

I hate that we live in a world where people get a hard time for fucking up now and then. The world would be so boring if nobody acted like an ass on occasion. I don't like coke, but I'm glad Kate Moss did it in public. Because that's what autonomy is all about- doing what you want and not giving a damn. I'm glad that society is not so sterile that you don't see people make mistakes. It's precisely what's wrong with elections and campaigns- people are expected to be perfect with flawless records, their words easily twisted into smear campaigns. Anyone with a flawless past is probably a weirdo and should not be running this country.

So back to the slut thing ... can you really judge a girl for that? How much is too much according to any of you motherfuckers? I remember being called a slut in high school. It's because I've never had a problem talking openly and honestly about sexuality that I guess I gave off that slutty vibe ... but it was hilarious because I was a virgin in high school and I never gave a blow job in high school either. It's not scientifically possible to be a slut under such circumstances.

And sex is totally great. Anyone with brains knows that. If a chick is promiscuous- how can people out there hate on that! I think that when someone gets some and it's good, a high five is in order. PLUS guys love sex- how can these same guys who want to get some from ladies, hate on the very same ladies who give it up to them? ARG!

Being cool is about being able to dismiss your care for what others think. Calling someone a slut and expecting them to care just shows that you think it's important for others to modify the way others perceive them for the sole purpose of vanity and public appearance.

Maybe you've heard this all before. But I'm putting it out there again. You fucking sluts probably love this shit.


Sexytime Comedy
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PS- Another Hoboken Comedy Night is this Sunday.

There will be NO pictures today.

Listen, I am not like the rest of you douchebag motherfuckers that go around losing your cellphones and your damn furbies all the time. I have never lost a cell phone and always hang on to mine till I can get a free trade up.

But last night I had a great time and took losts of amazing pictures with friends, costumes, and even famous people! Famous people pictures are always great.

I'd really love to show you my great pics, but I left my damn digital camera in the cab last night. At least I think so. Cause I was reminiscing in the elevator on the way out looking at my pictures, most especially enjoying my pic with super cutie Paul Rudd when I looked up and saw him standing in front of me. Yes I do remember that.

Man, I got all Tara Reid/Lindsey Lohan wasted last night. BUT I was like really responsible. I went back home to Hoboken with my wallet, cell phone, and my self esteem. For some reason like 5 former people I've made relations with in the past called me, but I slept alone like how a lady sleeps.

ARRGG. I just CANNOT get over this digital camera thing. It's pissing me off so bad. Oh and I misplaced my Debit card too. Not freaking out about it though cause I checked and no charges were made.

Eh, who am I gonna fool ... something about waking up without your debit card and your digital camera gone makes a lady feel like an ass. Somebody hug me. It's pout like a little baby time up in here.