Wednesday, November 08, 2006

I don’t even know what to say. I got a new job. An amazing new job. At a really big fancy company. There is a waterfall in the lobby BUT I don’t have to wear a suit. My job description is really cool. AND the dude who hired me likes my website which means he's cool with the real me and I don't have to pretend to have a stick up my ass! I guess I am entering the legitimacy phase of my life where I grow up and do something really respectable. Respectable. Hmm. Do I really need that? I feel I've got a lot to be fortunate for as it is, do I really need to live a legitimate lifestyle? I’m too used to struggling for what I want. In fact, I’ll cut and paste my law school application essay (personal statement) below so you can see where I’m coming from. It’s cheesy and it was written when I was 20. But, there it is-

Life gives me lemons and I make champagne. No one has ever handed me any freebies or taken me under their wing, but I accept that and I maximize the potential of what I have been given. I strive to create a legitimate self without becoming an opportunist whose self is merely an amalgamation of chance. In other words, life does not happen to me in some kind of neat cycle. Any illusion of ease or privilege has been a contrived effort on my part. The world is not handed to me on a silver platter. I take a silver platter and set it down before myself, which is what I did when I created Capitol goga.

When I came to The George Washington University, I auditioned for the school's one and only comedy group, Recess. I did not make the group. With no outlet to perform and create my favorite things, I was devastated, but that was not the worst news I was about to receive. Apparently, I had not made the group because, from the words of the group itself, "I'm sorry, but we're not looking for a girl this year."

Instead of suffocating my talents and desires by accepting the fate Recess had bestowed upon me, I created my own group, an all female comedy group. I directed the group, created the website, coordinated our press, logos, t-shirts, gigs, auditions, wrote sketches, edited videos and orchestrated the logistics of the group. I did not care how much of the work I took on. I did whatever it took to not only create a group, but to create a fantastic group.

Our first show sold out with more than one hundred seats filled, and with people standing in the back. In our first summer, we performed at New York City's Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. This past September, we had a turn out of over two hundred people. This December I graduated, and I performed with the group in my last show. Before we went on stage together for my last time, the girls shared their feelings about how this group has changed their lives and opened up doors for them. I learned that this group has become intensely important to the lives of others. And more importantly, I did not have to abandon the political causes I cared about to get to this point. We used the ticket money from our big shows each semester to raise an approximate total of eight hundred dollars for charity. Every semester we contacted GWU Student Organization based charities and asked them to apply to receive our show ticket money. We contacted such organizations because we support the interests of our student and DC community when we give back. We helped Alpha Epsilon Phi raise money for their philanthropy, the Elisabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation. We also gave to The Campaign to End Abortion Clinic Violence. This past semester we gave ticket proceeds to PUSH America’s fund to help the disabled and also to a personal fund to assist the former residents of a 21st street house that burned down. As an alumnus, I continue to work to support the group in their efforts. This summer Capitol goga will continue their success by performing in Chicago and New York City once again. I now leave behind a fantastic group of ladies who will create comedy, while giving both laughter and support to our community. Capitol goga will be a part of their lives, and the life of the University, indefinitely.

Ok ok ok, let's push this aside and embarrasingly let you judge this thing however you want. That's who I was then, and when I became a failure in my own eyes, shitting out of law school and starting with a 24,000 a year job in entertainment, and then moving into porn and becoming a mediocre comedian, let's just say that at times I felt like a real fucking loser. And let's add to that slice of sugary failure pie that I dated a guy this summer who I started off with "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" mutual agreement, and then I developed feelings for him, while he fell in love with someone else - while with me- who is now his girlfriend. Yes I felt like a turdface who sucked ass - and we are just talking the past few months. Sure, there were plenty of things to feel good about but sometimes you just can't embrace those things cause you are surrounded by bullshit. Or just because the fragile human heart allows debris to seep through it's bounty of cracks ...

Whatever it is, sure enough things are looking up- in every way from my comedy, to boys, to now my future ... and it's nice ...

Did I mention I'm drunk right now? Yet again I was at an open bar. I had whisky. At this weird event at MOMA. Last night a homeless man fell on my legs and I was too weirded out to move or react. I hated it. And earlier that night I did a reading to a room explaining to all of them how much I loved cock. And truth be told by the end of that reading I thought about weiners so much I got all hot n bothered. But I did keep it to myself and just got an ice cream cone instead.

Man, I love Michael Lucas (go ahead, click the link, just don't scroll down tooo far past the text ...). I can't even begin to explain the complexities of our relationship and the wonderful amazing journey I've been through with this company and all the adventures I had. What a fucking cool thing I just did! I'm really sad and nervous that it's about to end (in the end of December). What happens next?!

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