Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Renting in Manhattan: A Love Story.

There is nothing more humbling, bullshitty and cocksucky than renting an apartment in manhattan. I'm going to pat myself on the back for taking the very first apartment that I liked (which just so happened to be the first one I saw) because at least I avoided the bullshit of fighting over a place at some horrendous open house. Yeah, I've heard that getting an apartment in Manhattan is a pain in the ass, but this is not like mild post burrito anal discomfort- it's more like being thoroughly buttfucked by a horse.

It all started when we had to haul ass from the lower east side to the real estate agency on wall street to complete our applications for the apartment. That day we also gave a 500 dollar cash deposit. Then we had to gather all kinds of stupid documents and we had to gather them right quickly- everything from W2s (who the fuck puts those where they are supposed to?) to bank statements and all that nonsense. And all the while we had to deal with these real estate agency motherfuckers saying things like "We're pulling for you, we're working hard to get this place for you."

Pulling for me? Really. Hmmm. Well now you've told me that we have to pay $3100 as a fee to you. You fuckers. Oh, and 2 months security deposit. Oh, and you said maybe we could do Dec 15 move in since we have to pay December in Hoboken already. But we have to pay starting December 1st. I hate you so mmuch already.

And oh - what's this now? The landlord is located in Harlem and we have to go there during work to sign the lease?

Wonderful! Let's have a tea party now, shall we?

MOTHER FUCKERS. I'd rather get my car towed than deal with this bullshit. And STOP CALLING ME AND USING TOO MANY WORDS ON THE PHONE! I HATE VERBOSE MOTHERFUCKERS WHO WASTE MY TIME WITH INEFFICIENT WORD USAGE . You are not my friend. You are taking my time and my money to do things I could have done for myself.

I need to think about my delicious 7 by 11 foot bedroom in the heart of the lower east side and bust a chick nut in the delight of my manhattanization. For it is all that I have to keep me going.

NYC you have been very very bad today. You'd better start thinking now of how you're going to make it up to me. I'm thinking free robots that knit sweaters for every New Yorker by the year 2008. Get to it now. Or else I'll pout more intensely than any one city can handle.

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