Saturday, December 30, 2006


I think this whole deal with the US turning Saddam over to Iraqi custody is really weird and sets a crazy/strange precedent. It's like we're this all big n better than you super civilized democracy and then we get all barbaric when it's convenient for us. I'm certain this was a well-crafted loophole. I mean the fact that we had and captured him as the world superpower we are is a little extraordinary, but to see that after his trial which was as song-and-dance as government gets, we put him into the hands of people we know will barbarically execute him is amazing.

Now I am not saying whether or not he deserved it. This isn't a discussion of the fact that this guy is an awful bad man and he deserved awful bad punishment for his crimes.

I'm just saying from a legal standpoint here when it comes to the UN or international law in general, that there really isn't any law and there isn't anything more powerful than the rule of states, ours in particular. Saddam's execution is a modern and dramatic example of how unevolved international law is since for better or for worse we can manipulate it with this kind of outcome so easily.

I think historically this is huge and will hang over the heads of international relationships for a long time. Is this an example of western and arab nations working together or against each other? That's what I want to know.

Anyhow it's interesting to see this whole thing play out along my life time. I remember being in 4th grade and seeing dartboards with Saddam's face on it. How disconnected we are as people from world problems yet how amazing is it that we share the language of who is evil and who is good. The gulf war began from remnants of the cold war and that's when wars became more about America asserting it's economic interests and propaganda on the world versus prior wars over territory and cultural domination. I think the fight against Al Queda is really similar to our fight against communism and it ultimately comes from the same place.

Fuck why am I typing this now? Because David ordered a bottle of wine at dinner.

I gotta go to sleep. I think I might have accidentally given myself a black eye. There's at least a little cut. I really hope I don't wake up with a black eye. Ok good night.

Friday, December 29, 2006

OMG almost no more 2006! SUSPENSE.

I made some year end reflections: Mathematics of a Year
Last Year's welcome to 2006.

Found on Youtube:
Ness Jenkins, The Face of a Killer

It's time for a vote- A Princess Vote!




Hurry the poles close soon!

Tuesday January 2 at Mo Pitkins catch me n Brandy doing sets at Chicks N Giggles.

Check out this new show:
Street Meat
The fantastic new LES show hosted by Adam Newman, Carlen Altman and
me. Comedy mixed with real folks from the street! Everything from
scientologists in the subway to flute players in the port authority.
At Cake Shop
152 Ludlow
Mon Jan 8
This show will feature Dave Hill, Carlen's Mom and her glowworm,
Trevor Williams, and another special street guest. Comedians either
do material about street vendors/performers or they get up on stage
and pretend to be one and then we interview them in character.

And Carlen from Street Meat did this really great little funny show, watch it here:
Carlen Versus.
And here's an outtake- Carlen's Mom with her glowworm.

And the next Sexytime is Jan 19 ... wooo hooo.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

There's just some things you know.

I am really in love with my Bear Hands. They are the best thing I bought since I started wearing pants. HA! Man. As if I didn't wear pants at some point. That would really be CRAAYYZAY.


I am really excited to spend a mere 50 bucks so I can shoot guns on 20th St. What a convenient way for me to try something I've been dying to try for a long time now. I really really hope I don't suck at shooting guns. I think I'd feel badly about myself and it would really impact my self esteems.

As for iPod action, I started downloading all the songs I used to sing in voice lessons. I knew they were arias but I didn't realize they were mostly operas. I like opera. And I like to sing opera. But I guess that's the problem as to why I didn't want to pursue it. I don't really like the idea of being an opera singer. It doesn't seem remotely fun. My voice is so out of shape though. It makes me feel kind of sad singing along cause it just don't work the way it used to.

The Good Shepard is a movie that seems really awesome at first- and then completely sucks. You keep waiting for the payoff, and it doesn't come. I really really wanna see Children of Men and Little Children. It's all about them Children titles, isn't it now?

My cellphone stopped working on xmas eve and it's all punked up. I will get a new one, but in the meantime, it shuts off when I don't tell it to, and also deletes my texts.

And finally, I am aware that the things I have typed herein are vapid peices of reflection, but unfortunately there's all too much unmentionable drama in my private life. Not like I just got an abortion and subsequently lit a building on fire while peeing my pants and laughing hysterically. Just, well, the things going on in my mind about family, work, and social life are full of unmentionables. Let's just say I've got a lot on my mind and a lot of things are happening.

Oh, one other thing I realized ... one thing I really like about dating is taking a new stranger into my world to absord the drippings of all that's going on around me, and then having him walk away with it. There's something I love so dearly about letting in the ears of those who I haven't really let in. There's something I love so dearly about new people and all the new adventures this city lends itself to. I know that's pretty ordinary of me, but still, I love it. Part of my choice in who to date is doing that with someone I am ok with walking away from me. Some of these folks become my friends in the end so it depends, but there's always that gamble and that risk. There's just some folks who I know are better off without the likes of a lady like me. Not that I think I'm all terrible. Just intense. I'm certain that I'd make some men puke their brains out were they to attempt to swallow me.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Holiday Greetings from your friends at Bubble Bath Babes.

P.S. I Love Babes.

Sexytime had its smallest crowd yet but I really loved the show. The audience was really positive and great and all the performers kicked ass. I kinda felt the love. Christian Finnegan couldnt have been cooler about our lack of large audience. He seemed to sincerely enjoy doing his set and had a good time. Margot and Micah were also delights. It was Wolkin's bday so we invited him to the stage as well and he enjoyed that. I well appreciated his yogurt cup sex noises. Had to be there people, had to.

- David Rees' brilliant Get Your War On has been adapted to the stage.
- Big tip I probably shouldn't share cause I don't want any of you poop heads bogarting my chances at getting a ticket:
performing five nights in a special intimate setting!
FEBRUARY 13-17, 2007
55 Washington Square South
between Thompson St. & Sullivan St.
On Sale Fri Jan 5 at 9 AM through TICKETS.COM
- Carlen Altman, my new Street Meat comedy collaborator, and her project with Vice TV!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

After a storm comes an even larger clam, and then, well, you know. A larger storm.

Last night I saw Casino Royale. It had really strong dialogue, made me want to travel, and it was VERY well made, BUT I just don't find Bond all that interesting. I recommend it as a solid piece of entertainment, but to me it's kind of like a football game. Football games happen all the time. One team wins, the other loses, sometimes they tie. Each game is its own drama in itself, but they all seem the same to me. That's how I see Bond and TV shows like CSI or Law and Order- it can be well done and all, but meh ... just not capable of showing me something interesting that I am gonna care about. Like robots or swords (i.e. Terminator, Kill Bill).

Loved this character played by Eva Green EXCEPT for when she got all weak and cried like a dumbass. She is a hard ass spy, there's no crying in being a hard ass spy. And there's most especially no showering in your fancy outfit, shaking your head like you're in the damn Crucible or something.

Afterwards I was at an eatery and the sound of Alan Rickman's sly, bellowy voice soothed and comforted me the way only Rickman can. Not because he was on the telly in the background, but because he sat with a table of friends behind us and his dinner conversation carried over. I liked it.

In my life lately, I've been dealing with grown men who act like a bunch of little baby sissy boys. I always find it humorous/disturbing when grown people result to childlike behavior such as being "tattle tales", gossiping and getting all catty. That's all I am going to say about that.

Ok, Sexytime is tomorrow night. Git your tickets now! It's going to be a kick ass time and fun for all.
Also, tomorrow Margot Leitman is performing on Sexytime. Check out her insightful essay on fuck buddies up at Hello Hilarious.

Check it:

These are my boys. I have the most bestest interns in the whole wide world, and here's 3 of them! They posed for my blog but I wasn't sure if they wanted their names out there so I'll just tell you about them otherwise. One of them spoils me and brings me treats even though I tell him it's really not necessary. It's not, but man a lady does love herself some treats! He's the perkiest fellah out there and a ball of energy always great at cheering up. Then another one is my new assistant. He's hilarious and a smarty pants. He goes to a fancy school and studies fancy things. He's even gone out drinkin with me on occasion and I love it! Another one is the sweetest thang I ever did meet. He goes to school upstate so he's only with us over the summer and on holiday break. He's really cute and doesn't know it. And another one who's not pictured here started out as an intern and now has an office job. He's like a friendly, gay, asian version of Daria. His dry, intelligent humor is appreciated on a daily basis. My office attracts a lot of great people because for gay dudes, it's a great place to meet other cool gay dudes. Plus it can be a fairly fun and entertaining place. Anyhoo this is a hoooray for my boys. They are one of my most favorite things and I love when they are around. I try to be a nice boss lady even though I ask them to do boring stuff sometimes. But I don't want to do that stuff. So they most certainly have to.


Moreover, I am co producing a new comedy show with Adam Newman and Carlen Altman at Cake Shop called "Street Meat". We mix crazy lunatics off the street and subways (street performers, scientologists, flute players, whacky vendors- you name it) and comedians who are invited to perform what they would perform if they were a a street performer or vendor. And it will be interspersed with sketch and verbal banter btwn Adam, Carlen and myself. The first show is January 8th at Cake Shop on the Lower East Side!

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

The Holidays Are Coming!

The holidays are coming and I want to propose a special challenge to those of you out there in the world in your warm homes, sitting smug, high and mighty atop your throne like couches, a beer in hand and loved one in the other, reading your fancy tv guide magazines, day dreaming about all the spiced puddings you will eat and the turkeys you will smoke in the privacy of your elephant like bedrooms. I ask that you break free from your hodge podge ways and rise above the cozy, familiar world you know, yes rise. Rise so high that you see your world anew and open your mind to thoughts that scarce enter your frontal lobes. And think. Think about those less fortunate, like Anderson Cooper who still hasn't made it to network news, or Kevin Spacey who once did the movie, KPax. Think harder and squint your brains till you push out a thought about those who are no longer with us, such as Lynn Peters of Decatur Michigan who died of arm cancer yesterday who I am not sure even exists because I made her up. And now think harder ... pose questions in your mind such as, "Why do I exist" "What can I do to be a better person?" and "What can I get Heather for Christmas?"

And then be grateful because in this moment of clarity I am able to transcribe my very wants this holiday season.

I'd really like a bunch of this hot sauce. You can never have enough and I always think to myself "Hmm, I wish I had this in my apartment. I would put it on everything, really, every single goddamn thing."

I want these people reading my website. They are the ones that really get me and appreciate the finer qualities of my writing in the very way that I hope for as I sit, dilligently stroking my keyboard keys like they were my babies and I haven't seen them in a long time since "the accident".

I want anything from Agent Provocateur. My life would be so much better if my gennies were covered in something worth 300- 1000 dollars. Oh and if you buy me these pantsies, please buy me a mirror.

I would much like to wear them and stare at myself for hours. My crotch is my favorite thing in the whole world. To me it is more beautiful than a sunset or the miracle of life. I would place the mirror near the thousands of photographs I have taken and framed of my crotch which I have already hung on the walls of my bedroom so that I am surrounded by it's endless love at all times.

And finally, I want you to promise me that you will never leave me. We were meant to be together like this mermaid and this centaur.

Happy Holidays. I hope you and your family don't die or anything like that.
I'm feeling all sick and so I am not doing my show tonight for Chicks N Giggles. Be back with blog update later.

Monday, December 18, 2006

New Comedy Shows!

Yikes ... I am a bonerface cause I didn't realize till today that I am doing Chicks n Giggles tomorrow at Mo Pitkins. It's holiday themed so I am gonna try and think of something tonight rather than do old stuff.

Here's about tomorrow:Tuesday, December 19 @ 8 pm
Mo Pitkin's
34 Ave. A (2nd/3rd)

PLUS there's sexytimes coming up.

This Friday 12/22 at 11pm go to Mo Pitkins!
There you will find lots of great stuff like Christian Finnegan, Margot Leitman, Micah Sherman, and Nina Hartley! See details at

Future Sexytimes include:
Jan 19, 11pm
And then we move to the upstairs stage starting in February!
Feb 16, midnight
Mar 16, midnight

Oh and I have a new show at Cake Shop starting January 8. More details to come.

Friday, December 15, 2006

last minute show!

See me tonight, 11:30, at the Laugh Factory in NYC.

PS- In this month's Elle, a lil pic that includes my face in it.

You know, if you're into that sort of thing ... what sort of thing? ... you know, faces.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

The nature of what I can only term as a “busy New York lifestyle”, where I have my weeks almost entirely mapped out, where evenings are doubled booked in parts where one half is dedicated to one thing, and the later half to another … well, it causes some mild discomfort and a burning, itching sensation that is not between my legs (for once). Sure, there’s something innately fancy feeling about being “too busy” for this and that, prioritizing and turning things down. But the unsettling feeling that comes from never having enough time for the simple things – laundry, writing, hanging up my clothes, shooting the shit with friends- all the comfort that comes with the ordinary elements of living, well- I’d easily trade that feeling of douchy self-importance for all of that- most especially the ability to truly absorb all the things happening on a daily basis.

I feel surrounded by rough edges and feel as though everything is leaking, dripping, seeping slowly.

I don’t feel like my life is spiraling out of control.

I don’t feel like I can’t handle it.

Just … drip, drip, drip … a sound I can’t ignore … the ever present threat of overflowing fountains.

PS- Shoes


I perform tomorrow(Thursday)
Grandma's Candy Box
BAR NONE on 3rd Ave between 12 th
and 13th streets. Show starts at 9:30pm.

Oh dear diary

it's been so many days, where do I begin?

Links about last night's event.
- Fleshbot/gawker
- Patrick McMullan
- Sheeps
- Adam Newman
- Wow Report

Last night we had the red carpet premiere of the rated R version of La Dolce Vita. I've never put together an event of this scale before so I was basically really nervous every second that I could pull it off. My boss is a tough customer and very quickly lets me know when I've screwed something up. And I couldn't screw this one up. There were all these little things I didn't think of, like ... wait a minute ... these people will be here for a while around dinner time- they need food! And so there's no decent day-of catering places at good prices so I ran to Dean and Deluca (would have much preferred Trader Joes but it's not located close enough to the venue) and put together some plates with whatever odds and ends I could muster, we made little programs, figured out how to bring 200 large swag bags to the location, figured out how to get an actual red carpet there, checked on rsvps, needed mix cds for reception, rigged the screen and projector (I didn't do that), blah blah blah boring stuff.

And then I felt even more nervous because I have a small role in the film as a tv reporter and I knew that people would see me and I feel more like a behind the scenes person here than an in front of the camera person (I usually like to separate my Fink and Reznor identities ... Fink likes the stage and the camera very much so, Reznor's just tryin to do her job).

Well, it went very well and we pulled it off. It was such an unusual event and I was really nervous about how the crowd would respond to the movie- once again, this thing is about an hour and half with all of the naughty stuff taken out so it's like a real movie. Well they were all very loud and uproarious like it was Showtime at the Apollo. Lots of silly comments, laughter and clapping. What surprised me the most is that the crowd went nuts when I was on screen! It made me so squeemish- my boss does not like to be upstaged! Fortunately he was the focus of the whole event and the film so I think he was pleased and he saw how much everyone enjoyed everything. Anyhow I guess people responded so positively to me on screen because I deal with all the press and Michael's friends all the time so maybe it was fun for them cause they all know me or something ... so yeah, I am officially an adult film star, without showing any skin- who woulda thunk?

In the end I asked Michael, Are you happy? And he said yes, and he meant it. Sigh ...

Things that went wrong:
- We were supposed to give out Savanna Samson's wine after the event- they ran out super fast and I heard they charged 3 bucks! Bastards!
- I'm really annoyed at some people who complained that they weren't invited to this thing AFTER the event- like hours after. Why couldn't they think to say something beforehand so they don't get their panties in a bunch?

But that's pretty much it as far as I'm concerned. People had a good time and liked their fancy swag bags and so that's good. I think some good press is to follow in the next few days so humph. All's well that ends well.

La Dolce Vita

Moving on, highlights from the weekend:
Went out in Lower East Side Friday night. Was at this place called "Belly" on Rivington and they played good music and old hippy videos from I dunno what but it was neat. And then to my surprise a lady stripped down to her underpants and started dancing around. It was unusual given that it was a very ordinary bar. Later that evening I got myself a really great cubano sandwich and returned at the end of the night for flan to-go which I ate in my bed, very pleased with its tastiness.

Saturday I met up with some old college buddies. One very interesting fellow in particular, mister TJ Miller, who I hated in college. Actually, does your mind sometimes mix up memories from the past? Like you only fully wrap your head around parts and gists of things but not such a things' true essence? Well um, I did that I guess. I had completely forgotten about a time when we were "real good" friends and various fun that was had many years ago. I did remember doing a scene with him in an acting class and it being rather lovely ... but most details were lost to me.

I specifically remembered hating him. There was one comedy group in college- it was pretty good and they did all the things I was BORN ta do- and one person from my year that was chosen to be in that group and it was him and not me and that really pissed me off. Especially since I tried out the next year and didn't make it again, was told it was cause they didn't want a lady that year, and a sub par individual was in the group instead. BALLS. I think I blamed it on TJ but now that I am older, wiser, and less of a douchebag (kinda maybe I hope?) I realize that's not fair or accurate. Man what a baby I was ... And when I talked with him on Saturday he flat out said- yeah dude, you were mean to me ... Sheesh. I guess that's what happens when someone gets in the way of Ms. Fink's raging ambition. And knowing that is a little embarrassing. Like when I read old blog entries I wrote 2 years ago. I think a lot of them are idiotic and foolish. One learns a lot every year, eh?

Anyhow. I got really really wasted and drank lots of whiskies and had a nice time. Plus I really respect TJ's comedy- he's runnin about being a comedian same as I, and it's much nicer to be friends with such an individual. Plus we had lots o fun. And later that night I puked a lot (too many whiskies, so little absorption?)

Sunday I enjoyed Shayna's "I'm going to Asia" brunch, parked my car in Hoboken, went to an antique store and got some treats (including a beautiful and fancy old costume jewelery necklace which the old lady told me "would take me anywhere" so I'm fairly certain it's magic because things usually are when old ladies say things like that about them), caught the relatively boring movie, "Stranger than Fiction" and was impressed by the acting of Will Ferrel and Emma Thompson, and had Shabu Shabu with Mr. Gregor.

Ok diary, have a nice day and don't choke on any clams. I just have this awful feeling that you will choke on clams today. Call it my sixth sense. RIGHT NOW I DEMAND THAT YOU CALL IT THAT.

Monday, December 11, 2006


I have been a bad girl not blogging very well. I think I will have time tonight ...

Plus I heard I was in Elle Magazine (a picture) which is out today but I have not seen it. Fun. I like magazines and even moreso the idea of being inside of one. Did I tell you I auditioned to be in a Grand Theft Auto video game? It was neat. Ok TTYL.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Yo dudes um hey woah yeah I don't have a title

I remember back in the day The Spark used to be really funny. Space Ghost's website also used to be really funny from about 1999-2001.

Anyhow, I shall never forget the humorousis deeply embedded in this:
"Poor Spelling Children Pay Dearly for 'Letters to Satan'"

Here's some of the kids letters- but you should really click over and read the articulo.

Moving on- why not?

Free music from a Japanese clothing store? Sure.

Ok, that's all for now. I'm gonna down 5 Hot Toddies and get things DONE.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006


This was just emailed to me:

Dear Heather,

I'm writing in response to your Boozang blog, which I stumbled upon only an hour ago. I regret to inform you that this woman's malfeasance was not limited to your experience. I graduated from the law school several years ago, and I can honestly say that Boozang was as disingenuous, vindictive, and nasty a person as I encountered in 21 years of schooling. I graduated from the law school, but she nearly destroyed both my career and my life.

Regarding this:
Karma Attacks!


Tuesday, December 05, 2006

God Bless Thy Lower East Side Cowboy of Fury and Might

So here I am sitting in Cake Shop, overwhelmed by the hipness I'm immersed in and surprised at how instantly I've acclimated to my new living situation ... well not acclimated, I just love the lovely tone of that word and wanted to use it. I know the truth is that I'm simply surprised to be here. I've never been one to have my laptop in a coffee shop. I am not a coffee drinker and I am too lazy to get out of bed when I don't have to. My best writing takes place while in dirty scrubby old tshirts smelling of my night sweat while my face glistens of morning grease and is accented by the red ornaments of popped blemishes from the night before. And VH1 talking heads make fun of things I wasn't aware people cared about in the background. And the passing thought ... I could be one of those fucking people ... grrr ... scrolls through my mind like the mundane marquee script that must be shared by a thousand heads ...

But that's not now. Now I'm enjoying the fairytale. My free independent adventurous 20 something living on my own in New York fairytale, the picture that wasn't painted nearly complete by the NewYorkNearness of Hoboken, quaint, sweet Hoboken unfortunately lacks one very important quality: it is not Manhattan.

And so I feel extremely happy. I don't just like the Lower East Side, I idolize it like a celebrity, in that it embodies so many ideals for me- ideal bars, ideal food to eat, ideal people to be surrounded by, ideal outfits to see on the people in the street, because I am surrounded by people who know things because they care to know because they have not resigned to the anonymity of suburban life where no one sees what you wear or eat or drink really ... and New York City is for wild bursts of fun like weekends ... and now I have weekend every day.

New York isn't new to me. I've been having my fun here for years, but it's really quite another thing to be in the center of the place that I love more than anywhere. I love it more than New Jersey and more than Holland and I love New Jersey and I love Holland.

I had a very bad day. Yesterday and today. But I have a really wonderful life. And I am extremely grateful for it. And I will show my gratitude the only way I know how- by working hard to be certain that I've earned it and doing my best. I think that will do the trick.

There's certain people who think that I am not a good person. That hurts because I am trying. But the sort of person who would tell you that you are bad is bad for doing that.

But let's not get off topic here.

Actually, I need to stop. I think this coffee shop is

WOAH, I was about to make fun of this coffee shop, but just now an angry man in a cowboy hat just proclaimed "This fucking place sucks my ass", stormed out, and pushed the door really hard- which is hilarious because, well- he was "showing his badness" via door pushing, OMG fun! He just came in, went downstairs, and I heard a loud thing, and he came back up and pushed the door really hard twice this time!

Man, everything is gonna be alright.

Monday, December 04, 2006


If you're not reading this website for entertainment purposes, but rather you googled me or are nosy or are some nosy gossipy family "friend" who thinks it's appropriate to judge and critize this site and have the nerve to SAY SOMETHING TO MY MOTHER TO UPSET HER- take a moment to realize that you are READING THE BLOG OF SOME 20-something girl/comedy writer. AND FEEL WEIRD ABOUT IT. This site is not for prying, nosy mofos who are interested in learning things about me you haven't come to learn yourself over time because we don't know eachother "in that way".

This site is not for anyone who could pick up a phone or get to know me in a real way, unless you are such a friend of mine and the blog enhances our friendship experience. I am not comfortable with family or people who I know in similar ways reading this so-
1. If you are such a person, and are reading this without saying "hi" at least and letting me know you are reading this- you are being creepy and should cut it out
2. I don't give a shit about your judgments. My writing and the maintainance of this blog has done so many positive things for me and afforded me a lot of great opportunities professionally and personally. For example, the last amazing job I was offered was largely because the employer loved my site.
3. "Gossip is the opiate of the people." Erica Jong


If you don't like what I am saying here


Instead, why not try any of the internet's other fine offerings:
and if you really do like gossip- this site at least writes about it in an entertaining way

PS- I LOVE MY NEW APT IN MANHATTAN! It's so full of awesome and I'm so excited I finally get to live right in the heart of my most favorite place ever.

Oh, and I've got a show tonight-
Minty Fresh
Monday Dec. 4
Mo Pitkins
34 Ave A
Sadies Lounge
8:30 pm