Tuesday, December 19, 2006

The Holidays Are Coming!

The holidays are coming and I want to propose a special challenge to those of you out there in the world in your warm homes, sitting smug, high and mighty atop your throne like couches, a beer in hand and loved one in the other, reading your fancy tv guide magazines, day dreaming about all the spiced puddings you will eat and the turkeys you will smoke in the privacy of your elephant like bedrooms. I ask that you break free from your hodge podge ways and rise above the cozy, familiar world you know, yes rise. Rise so high that you see your world anew and open your mind to thoughts that scarce enter your frontal lobes. And think. Think about those less fortunate, like Anderson Cooper who still hasn't made it to network news, or Kevin Spacey who once did the movie, KPax. Think harder and squint your brains till you push out a thought about those who are no longer with us, such as Lynn Peters of Decatur Michigan who died of arm cancer yesterday who I am not sure even exists because I made her up. And now think harder ... pose questions in your mind such as, "Why do I exist" "What can I do to be a better person?" and "What can I get Heather for Christmas?"

And then be grateful because in this moment of clarity I am able to transcribe my very wants this holiday season.

I'd really like a bunch of this hot sauce. You can never have enough and I always think to myself "Hmm, I wish I had this in my apartment. I would put it on everything, really, every single goddamn thing."

I want these people reading my website. They are the ones that really get me and appreciate the finer qualities of my writing in the very way that I hope for as I sit, dilligently stroking my keyboard keys like they were my babies and I haven't seen them in a long time since "the accident".

I want anything from Agent Provocateur. My life would be so much better if my gennies were covered in something worth 300- 1000 dollars. Oh and if you buy me these pantsies, please buy me a mirror.

I would much like to wear them and stare at myself for hours. My crotch is my favorite thing in the whole world. To me it is more beautiful than a sunset or the miracle of life. I would place the mirror near the thousands of photographs I have taken and framed of my crotch which I have already hung on the walls of my bedroom so that I am surrounded by it's endless love at all times.

And finally, I want you to promise me that you will never leave me. We were meant to be together like this mermaid and this centaur.

Happy Holidays. I hope you and your family don't die or anything like that.

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