Monday, December 31, 2007

i love you and i love my friends and my family and the internet and my blog and to party and tonight!

surely i feel sad. regret. pain.

i do see those things
i see bad things

but i see them at the very same time
sitting alongside

so many things i love and that i think are beautiful
and so that's how i feel now

tonight is about that
i see where i am at this moment
here i look before i leap

i drink champagne and celebrate again
the future
and the continuing
of life
and see all of this
and all i want to do is appreciate it

happy new year

Thursday, December 27, 2007

These are the actual meats



I wasn't blogging lately cause I didn't feel like it.

But, you know, here's something for holidays:

Cats don't like to wear outfits and so here is a picture of a cat and you know that he isn't happy. How does that make you feel? Try to explain your feelings in a picture.

For Christmas this year I got some great new possessions!
I got furnishings.
This one ->


I got boots
I got some makeup.
I have things! America.


We ate these meats on Christmas day. (these are the actual meats)

I also realized it's been more than 4 years since I visited Holland, so I think I am going to go with my parents this summer and then stop over to Croatia or Malta. I've wanted to visit Croatia for some time now, and both Croatia and Malta flights are relatively reasonable from Holland. It's there, Northern Africa, or Turkey that I'm interested in, so we will see.

Oh and then I also want to go to South America.

Yeah.

Hey guess what also I did not mention-
- I went to a roast of Mike Burns cause he left town and there was nothing but SIDE SPLITTING laughter! Roasts are toooo funn.
- Dirty Pretty Things is a fantastic movie. I've been seeing lots of indie bullshit lately so it was a pleasure to see something that was moving and complete.
- ABC now posts episodes of My So Called Life on the Internet!
- I was going to buy my family products from Vik Prjonsdottir for xmas but when I actually checked out the goods, not only were they made of non-snuggly itchy wool - they were like 500-600 dollars OMG! I do not care for the quality of the wool or craftsmenship. They have such great concepts for their stuff, they should make their blankets and hats out of snuggly, cheaper fabrics.
LOOK HOW CUTE, EH?:




and the one sealpelt up tops too

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

I got a new digital camera! Well, actually one from ebay that is identical to the last camera that I had that I really loved that they don't make anymore. And I already posted some pictures here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/heatherfink/
I used the memory card from this other device, so there's some pics from my georgia trip that I never posted mixed with pics from xmas eve.

Hey Blog Guess What?!
WHAT? WHAT WHAT WAHT
There's gonna be more pictures now.
OHHH. OK!

Sunday, December 23, 2007

From the recent 60 Minutes Tom Brady Interview

Take a look at this video clip
Something about what he said and the way he said it. Not that I haven't heard something like that before ... still. Check it out.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

I've had a few ...

People are misbehaving this holiday season
- Coach makes raindeers do it (thanks Trev)
- Woman gets on Santa's Junk
- Santa asks kids if they wanna smack his nuts (thanks Brandy)


It's so awesome that Jamie Lynn Spears is having a baby. 16 is a great age for kids to be having sex. And Jamie lets kids know that it's ok to go and have your baby because abortion is wrong. And hey, I'm glad Disney is supporting her decision. This sends a healthy message to all the kiddies out there who keep getting sexier every day with their outfits and facebooks. Let me think back to who I was dating when I was 16 ... that kid Mike who I used to watch skateboard behind taco bell. Who had frosted tips. FROSTED MOTHER F'ING TIPS BITCHES. Just like Sugar Ray. Back when we drank till it was alcohol poisoning and fingerbanged while watching Mortal Kombat at Cinema 10. Coulda had that bitch's nut drops make a fine lil baby but I let my chance pass ... regret.

Speaking of puberty- Must watch:
Pink Slip You need to confirm age to see this, but it's worth it - or to quote Justin whom I shared it with today:
"i cant talk to you cuase im hysterical
hold on
i love you for htis
so much
i m crying
hahahahhaha"


Hey, wanna drool over Bear Grylls naked? Yeah, me too (Thanks Edmund)

Finally, here are some of my favorite moments of characters singing in movies:

Diane Keaton as Annie Hall - Seems like Old Times


Julie Delpy from Before Sunset - A Waltz for a Night


Penelope Cruz as Riamunda - Volver


Enjoy, mes petits lapins!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

M.I.A. Paper Planes

So this is a song that was in heavy rotation during my summer roof parties, and now it's a video. A bland video at that, but if you haven't heard the song yet, I do think it's one of the best songs of the year.

Speaking of summer roof party songs, I was also quite into Heartbeats - The Knife, and the now overplayed Justice D.A.N.C.E., some Cold War Kids, and Green Jelly's Three Little Pigs.

Anyhoo: M.I.A. - Paper Planes

(the song in this video is the original version of the song)

Her commentary about the video:
.... I ORIGINALLY WANTED TO SHOOT THE VIDEO IN A FACTORY ON THE BORDER OF
EQUADOR, BUT COULDNT. I WAS TOURING THE U.S, I COULDA BEEN ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD RIGHT THEN BUT THERE I WAS IN AMERICA, IN NYC, IN BROOKLYN, IN BEDSTUY , I WAS TORN BETWEEN SCRAPIN SHOWS IN AMERICA AND MEETING AMERICAN FANS OR SHOOTING IN NYC ON MY ONLY DAY OFF I'D HAD IN 4 MONTHS AND GETTING ON WITH IT.

SO THEY TRIED TO SHUT ME DOWN AGAIN. I MADE THE PAPER PLANES VIDEO. I MADE IT HOW THEY WANTED. NO VIOLENCE. AMBIGUOUS. MTV - FRIENDLY. NOW TODAY, I CHECK YOUTUBE AND SEE THE LEAKED MTV PAPER PLANES VIDEO UP FOR THE FIRST TIME. I CLICKED ON IT AND OUT COMES THIS FUCKED UP MESS WITH DOUBLE-TRACKED BULLSHIT MESS

WHO THE THE FUCK IS DOING THIS TO ME?????

THE VIDEO WAS SABOTAGED FOR WHATEVER REASON AND IM DISAPPOINTED THAT MTV HAS HAD SUCH A MAJOR ROLE IN THIS. THE BLOGGERS WHO ARE LAZY ENOUGH TO FOLLOW THE MTV LINK AND POST UP AND COMMENT ON THE SOUND WHEN THAT HASNT BEEN COMPROMISED AND THE GUNSHOT ARENT REPLACED AND EDITED MAKES ME SAD. I DID FIGHT FOR THE SOUND , BECAUSE PUTTING MEANINGS IN YOUR VIDEOS, IN MY OPINION IS A DYING ART. I CAN FILM MY SELF ANYWHERE ANYTIME AND LET YOU KNOW THE TRUTH , BUT THE SONG IS WHAT I WANTED TO PRESERVE IN THIS CASE.
read the rest here if u wanna

Monday, December 17, 2007

Beep beep boop


Here you can see Carissa. She is the fashion designer behind Mandate of Heaven. She makes custom jeans where she measures you a lot and then you get form fitted super tight really hard to zip up pants that make you look like a 50s vixen (pictured here). There's cool angel wings on the upper butt. Mine are finished! So you may see me around with these pants on, perhaps with zipper down, since I have some trouble getting them back up after p p breaks.




This is a knife. It's kinda cool. This is the sort of thing I might want if it wasn't 150 dollars. Not because I like to stab. Because there is something compelling about weaponry. Man using the solid things to kill. To Protect. To manipulate matter.


Instead I asked for a Navy pair of Hunter boots. Just like coke-sexy Kate Moss.
I had a most excellent pair of gollashes I had been wearing for years. But they kinda busted like most of my shoes when tortured by fine NYC living. Stomping around in weather proof boots is innately appealing.

Not shame/Not fame
Writing this book I am revisiting my past, including my bloggy past, viewing all the things I wrote and felt then. And I makes me all embarrassed gross icky feeling reading some old perspectives and things I used to say. Sure some stuff is the same, lots of it. But I was I wasn't as naive. I wish I knew more. I was I was more the person I am now. But I wasn't, and so I'll be honest about that. Because the story is as much about personal transformation and growth as it is about the job I had.


On the way home today I stopped by the super market and the livers (chicken) caught my eye. I brought them home and cooked them. It's not something I usually do. There is a grossness about them but I liked it. There was something elegant about taking fork and knife to this classic food and enjoying a quiet glass of wine, while listening to beautifully sparking songs that glistened so.

I'm listening to these songs right now:
- Where Is My Mind? - Pixies
- Time to Pretend - MGMT
- Better - Regina Spektor
- Deserter - Matthew Dear
- What's a Girl to Do? - Bat for Lashes
- Too Little Too Late - Daniel Rossen
- Three Wishes - The Pierces
- Apologize - Timbaland
- Thriller - Ben Gibbard
- No One's Gonna Love You - Band of Horses
- I Came Here to Say I'm Going - Okkervil River
- Like New - Deerhunter
- Mutant John - Why?

Ok there's more than that. Been trigger happy at the iTunes lately. I love all of these songs. Find them, make them yours.


There they are.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Notables

- Did you vote for me for the Emerging Comic Award in the ECNY/New York Comedy Awards? If you did that would be awesome.
- Fun for Geo Nerds
- Young Women get cooler and prouder
- Punk Rock Pillowfight apparently it's going to happen again.
- Maybe I will see Sweeney Todd after all
- Dolly Parton!
- Kanye cried for his Mama
- What Bill Murray really actually really said to Scarlett at the end of Lost in Translation
- Led Zepplin played again
- Welcome to the Jungle, You're Gonna Die
- Me and my douchebaggy furcoat pose make a cameo in this videroo.
- Last night, The Shark Show's Holiday Thing gave me egg nog spit takes. AND I LOVED IT. Men spitting eggnog into each others' faces - with context - is totally absolutely cool.

I can't believe I never watched Max and Gabe's Internet thing before! It's brilliant

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

I'm Emerging!

Hey people,

I just got nominated for ECNY's Emerging Comic Award - described as such:
The Emerging Comic Award celebrates the individuals, duos and groups who have emerged within the past few years and have contributed significant and consistent quality work to the New York comedy scene.

The ECNY Awards are New York City's comedy awards.

ECNY's nomination feels so much like a hug!
Now I pester you to pls HALP me wit ur VOTES!

yay
- Heather

VOTE HERE

And here's some reasons why to legitimately vote for me because maybe I'm 4 real emerging and it's not just 4 popularities:
Stuff I did in the past couple years in NYC comedy

LONG RUNNING SHOWS
- Street Meat at Cake Shop:
Character comedy show co-hosted by Adam Newman. We've done original bits and videos, plus each month I prepare an all new character. This show encourages experimentation and super fun.
- Sexytime at Mo Pitkins with co-host Brandy Crawford:
This show brought premium comics together with a special porn star guest. Brandy and I were candid about sexy things and wrote naughty bits together.
- Hoboken Comedy Night:
A Hoboken show that allowed pro comics to mix with newbies. Comics were encouraged to do 'whatevs' in a relaxed environment in a comedy-less neighborhood.

ONE NIGHT SPECIALS
- Analog Dreamz:
In an attempt to highlight pre-youtube comedy genius, this show sought VHS pre 1999 videos that were 100 percent homemade and awesome. The show also welcomed high school talent show style acts. This was a one night special.
- Testes Fiesta:
A show highlighting duo acts, Adam Newman joined me for some duo stuffs.
- Standup and Party:
Super packed show where heckling and misbehavior is encouraged - with shots, insanity, and crackers were thrown at comics when it was time to get off the stage.

STANDUP
At UCB, Rififi, Laugh Lounge, Standup NY, Cake Shop, Laugh Factory, Parkside Lounge Mo Pitkins, Ochi's Lounge, Brooklyn and Queens shows too. No, I'm not one of NYC's best standups - but I do keep experimenting and trying my hardest to challenge myself and bring something real and raw to audiences. Monologues, characters, drawings, freeform weirdness and honesty are used. Emerging!

VIDEOS
Original videos written/directed/performed by mahself have been featured on the front page of myspace, bestweekever.com, the apiary, some gossip sites, and in the Magnet's Girls on Film Fest.
Appearances in videos for Olde English and Elephant Larry for MTV's Short Circuitz.

OTHER STUFF
Improv: After performing improv in DC for many years, I've finally started doing improv in NYC again, so I look forward to brining that to NYC stages.

Web writing:
- Have been writing comedy/etc in my blog I Fink Therefore I am for over 3 years now.
- Comedic articles for girlspoke.com
- My newsletters: I email people a lot, but I try to make the newsletters interesting and worth people's time. Hopefully you enjoy my efforts!
- Interviewed very special comics and a comic book writer on my blog.
- Into the comic books world/appeared as guest on Comic Book Club @ PIT.
- A lil bitty cameo in Adult Swim's Fat Guy Stuck in Internet
- Speaking roles in adult movies- that's some silliness u know it!

Published/Press in: Time Out NY, Page 6, Playgirl magazine, Playboy radio guest, NY Daily News, LVHRD events and magazine
Directed one season of Frowned Upon sketch comedy
Random improv comedy coaching

Have taken lots of classes and training in acting, sketch, improv, singing, and even clown/mime/slapstick woot!

THE FUTURE
Writing a memoir about my time working in the gay adult world (as PR Director), a job which could be considered comedic performance art?
Hope to do more improv, trying to complete classes at UCB
Hope to bring musical Terminator 4 to the stage (still having issues with the music composition)
---

So, if you think I'm good at emerging and contributing to NYC comedy, please vote for me, because I care very deeply about this city, scene, and comedy - so to be appreciated in this way would feel really very nice.

Thanks!
- Heather

yah, so
VOTE HERE pls :)

I'm really glad that I do this

I was feeling kinda unpleasant yesterday.
Like I really didn't feel like doing anything.
Like I'm scared and overwhelmed with the things I am trying to do in life.
And I've got a lot on my mind that wasn't making me feel good.

And then I performed a standup comedy show in spite of not feeling up to it.
And it felt great.
And it felt right.
And I laughed.
I smiled.
And they smiled.
And they laughed.
And it validated my self worth.

I'm really glad that I do this.

rick click save as

Free great music from Okkervil River

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Have you seen my baseball?

Tonight, my last performance of 2007:
Tuesday, December 11 at 8 pm
Ochi's Lounge at Comix
353 W. 14th Street (9th Ave.)
No cover, 1 item minimum.

-----

OMG NEW PORTISHEAD! Search Portishead and ATP on Youtube for new stuff. Portishead is in my top 10 favorite musicians of all time and they only have 2 LPs and haven't made a new one since the 90s. So happy they are making teh hotness again. Their music is very sexy and intense. Here's an old live clip for you to enjoy:


Let yourself get sucked in. Here's another song, Wandering Stars.

-----

I used to write a lot for this website called girlspoke. I'm a little surprised at what was put out there such as this. Whenever I read old writing or visit an old blog, it's like, oh yeah ... I think that. Almost forgot. Time travel.

-----

These men's fashions make me laugh so! This model! Lollers! Is for sale!

-----

Yakuza sounds like lots of fun but is probably not that cool once you're there choppin heads.

-----
Sadder than impotency?
Tips on buying bras for men

-----
Houses:
House of Style!
Pee Wee's Playhouse!
Fun House!

Monday, December 10, 2007

sometimes i look at myself and all i can see is the weakness, flaws, and crap inside
and then i feel like an asshole for being so narcissistic

coffee fux yo mouth up

really it makes it so smelly

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Ocelot - This is Our Time

"We're gonna get drunk, and we're gonna get down. We're gonna do drugs, and we're gonna get fucked. And we're gonna do it all tonight. And we're gonna make it out alive."

That's the lyrics to the fantastic song I heard while out getting drunk n stuff. I am not Miss Drugs Do-er, but I love the spirit and think it is so lovely it gets its own blog entry.

You can hear "Ocelot - This is Our Time" in this music video that goes with this lovely Footloose clip. In this version of the song, I find how the vocals get chopped to be annoying, cause I think there's another version where they are regular-like.



And on their myspace too you can listen and jump n stuff. (thanks Panda Toes)

Friday, December 07, 2007

yeah! yeah! destroy the car



thanks myspace
(the cursor - which I couldn't capture - is a crowbar)
dude
company holiday party
kicked my ass
whisky
so much more
where have all the cowboys gone?

Thursday, December 06, 2007

I Behaved on LVHRD / Dewar's Repeal Day


Do you see? I was civilized.
OR WAS I? That photo may have been taken when cheating. It was fake moneys so people weren't as uppity so I pulled cards out of my sleeve and grabbed chips from the dealer when he wasn't looking. But you know what? I didn't win when I cheated. And so that's why YOU GOTTA BE A GOOD PERSON OK? That reason. This has been a mind altering lesson in life in which you will never look at things the same.

I love the happy corp and LVHRD and I feel nice feelings about the people there, and their including me in their vowel-less hard living.

- They gave out free sneakers but I was too busy caring about my whisky to notice. Dammit! I don't really wear sneakers anyway. Sneakers do shit for my femininity.
- They gave out free shaves but I don't have any hair anywhere on account of an incident with radioactive underpants and a pair of twins from Olso. Really. Nah. I just didn't have anything I wanted gotten with a straight razor.
- They gave away free makeovers but I ... whisky.
- There was poker, arm wrestling, ladies in panties, an annoying chilean man, tap dancing, and a band - but the band was not Band of Horses, which were rumored to be playing there.
- Last night I dreamt that Band of Horses played at this music hall with a big pool and my mom was there are she was upset and then
and then I told you guys to download this Band of Horses song and I can see the perfect sky is torn. I'm cold and shamed or whatever.

Highlight videos answer question: How was Street Meat last night?

Yes! That's what they do! So functional.

These highlight videos show some funninest moments from past shows. (Thanks Adam for your chopping skillz!) We are working on making them for all shows.

Please check out October's and November's (which don't include the music acts cause our tape usually runs out by then or somethin ...)

October includes:
Hannibal Buress, Lang Fisher, Uber Luber Death Metal

November includes:
Greg Johnson, Andrew Wright, Catie Lazarus, Rick Shapiro

Embedded 4 ur convenience:

Street Meat - October 15, 2007

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Street Meat - November 5, 2007

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

i was thinking that it would be fun to have a talk show where i am the star and my guests come to the show and sit on my couch and as soon as they sit down i start throwing stuff at their heads - like all this funny stuff, like a whole cake, and/or a wet paper towel ball, something that will stick - i dont want to hurt them but just the second they start talking total bombardment on their heads and faces - and everyone knows this will happen to them when they come on the show but the show is so famous and great and so special to get on that they subject themselves to it anyway because they so desperately want to plug their own projects and upcoming films/albums

Monday, December 03, 2007

Street Meat is tonight

In case you didn't know.
8pm
Cake Shop: 152 Ludlow

I'm doin an all new character. More info and lineup at www.StreetMeatComedy.com

Sunday, December 02, 2007

The Best Song in the Whole World

When I go to Holland, my mom plays and sings music with her brothers and sisters and it's so nice. Sometimes my uncles will sing Living Next Door to Alice, a popular song from the 70s in Europe. I just remembered it yesterday. And thank you youtube, you have it! And I can share it! Must listen. NSFW. But wonderful on so many levels!!!

PS - Download this cover of Thriller by Ben Gibbard. It's a great song. Did I tell you I met Ben Gibbard's girlfriend when they were at a party recently? She was really cool and normal and sweet and not famous. Did you know that they had their thanksgiving weekend with another couple, John Krasinski and Rashida Jones? They are real life bf/gf. Don't you care about what celebrities do? Don't you care that I shared space with some? Don't worry. I'm not that cool. They didn't care that I was there. Aside from Hollywood IT girl Carrie Underwood. We are best friends. We share hand lotion, and boyfriends LOL! No, seriously. Me and fucking Carrie Underwood are like so tight with our friendship and when we hang out she gets very clingy and is always cockblocking me and up on my shit. She's always pulling this thing at bars like when there's hot dudes around that she tries to get me to make out with her in front of people to get attention but I am like, duh, you know, if I were to make out with a woman it would be because we were in love and didn't care about what anybody thought, you know? And not to get guys to notice me. I try to make sure that I am sexy from within, you know? And be a good person. And nice to people. That sounds good. I just want people to think I am better than them in one way or the other, so if I can get them to think I am unselfish and caring towards others - awesome. One day I resisted the temptation to push a homeless man down the escalators at the Grand Street subway stop. Because I am good. Dammit.

Hell No

The New Museum is Bullshit


BULLSHIT
Seriously



I went with my roommate and her friends to check out the New Museum that just opened on Bowery at 1:30 last night. I was excited. The ads/promotion for the museum are all creative, fun and interesting. The Hell Yes sign is cool.

BUT once inside, it was total bullshit! The art sucked. It's pretentious, unaesthetic crap. You know, the exact kind of nonsense that makes people hate art. It's disrespectful to the audience. You shouldn't have to try so hard to appreciate it. Art should make you feel something, not force you to infer some kind of genius in the artist.

I took a picture of the first silly art turd I saw cause I thought it was funny. Little did I know there were 3 floors of this nonsense.

And on the top floor, I thought we'd be rewarded. Music, a dj, lights - finally, drinks! No. No drinks. It was a Target sponsored Target zone! It meant free candy. And the candy tasted like ass! Aside from the Swedish fishes. It was comically bad. There are some cool things about the building but it's not kick ass.

The New Museum is not new. It's not pushing boundaries. It's exactly what can be obnoxious in art. They are not keeping it real. It's the lamest exhibition I've ever been to. And I like me some motha fuckin art.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Agent Query Letter for the Book I am Writing

Hey Agent,

U gotta buy this book! It's the shit!

All this fuckin shit happened in my life you know? And people think it's like so fucking interesting - like seriously n shit it's some fucking unbelievable stories.

And see, books is about stories or whatever.

Go fuck yourself,

Heather

Here's the thing

about fancy wine stores

wine is delicious and great
it's not hard to find a good wine

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Shows update, Fri-Tuesday

WHEN - Friday Nov 30, 7pm
SHOW - Family Hour w/ Sara Benincasa
WHERE - Comix: Ochi's Lounge
WHAT I'M DOING - Humorous stories from my family

WHEN - Sunday Dec 2, 4pm
SHOW - UCB Improv Class Show
WHERE - UCB Theatre
WHAT I'M DOING - Improv

WHEN - Monday Dec 3, 8pm
SHOW - STREET MEAT
WHERE - Cake Shop, 152 Ludlow
WHAT I'M DOING - A new character, hosting

WHEN - Tuesday Dec 4, 8pm
SHOW - Llama Toe
WHERE - Cake Shop, 152 Ludlow
WHAT I'M DOING - Stand up

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

The Sarah Connor Chronicles

Why do Hollywood people have to RUIN my favorite thing? T3 didn't bother me so much cause the plot was good, but it was still a murderation of my favorite movies. THIS IS SCREWED UP! The ruiners! Ugh a whole season of crappy crap!



I can't stand tv drama acting these days- lost, heroes, grey's anatomy - all the sudden the actors are like "I'm ... talking ... in my ... serious voice ... now .... oh ... life so hard ... ugh I totally am gonna cry about something .... ughhhhh shit's all serious and important"

Not to say I don't enjoy Heroes. I do. It's getting dumber and dumber but still. Lost I have no patience for. Grey's is poopballs. I do watch these programs:
- Gossip Girls: It knows what it is
- Dirty Sexy Money: For the actors, it's kinda similar to gossip girls
- Tell Me You Love Me: weiners and boobs
- Project Runway: but I haven't caught any of this season yet
- Dexter: When I can catch it.
- 30 Rock/The Office: yep.

And that's all for now. I love me some tv. Cancelled HBO for the first time in years though. No more good new programs ... until Preacher comes on. They better not screw that up or I'll kick your ass. You. You suck. Fuckhead.


wut dis?! a still from the new Watchmen movie

- Tim and Eric, Eugene Mirman, Patton Oswalt (with actual Aimee Mann), Zach Galifiankis are all fighting with their youtubes!
- OMG I totes like to read Aminerjad's blog!
- A Pornier American Apparel
- DAMMMIT those Maine Coons aren't listening to me!
- WOAH. Puddin. Puddin so hard.

Monday, November 26, 2007

I've begin to f'ing hate these free doughnuts at work

I don't even really like donuts. They taste stupid.
It's just cause they are there that I eat them. I can't not.
CANT NOT

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Storage Unit

I look at the mess of clutter in various corners of my apartment see failure.
Those are my things.
My wonderful, sweet things.
The things I collect along the way in all of the doing that I do. The doings that I am fond of.
And so they will not be thrown in the garbage.
They will be used again for my important needs.
Or make me smile when I pick them up.
I only wish
it was not so
devistatingly
easy
to get lost in
my undeciding
of what to do with these things
Shelves would be nice.
But I really really don't know
Ikea
Target
Crate and Barrel
I click you
I click you, you category
shelving
cabinets
wall mounted
hanging
island storage unit
Hopeless.
I cannot decide what is best for you my stuff. My sweet belongings. All in a pile. Hi! How are you. How are you beige heel shoes? I haven't even worn you yet but you are nice. Hi blonde shaggy wig. You go in this pile.
Oh you. All of you.
What am I gonna do
with you?


-------
ITEMS
- You are great. You are a Cowbell Hero
- New York's Best Soup
- Interesting
- Biomimic Gadgets
- MEOW MEOW MEOW! holy shit this ->

is nice
it's always nice
i love kitties n love them from afar
can't have them
my apartment is small but not my ability to love

Thursday, November 22, 2007

i made an art for thanksgiving


What if instead of pilgrims and indians eating a meal together, there were these big snakes that shot fire out of their mouths and these really tall strippers eating a meal together? I think that the strippers would be like 6' 7" and the snakes would be slightly taller.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I got a pony!


ladies be pony shopping
always gettin nails did
n talking about handbags
eating salads
gossiping on the phone
oh, ps - women in the bathroom, I have a message for you and all the people of the world:
please don't listen to my urine stream.

Click now! Ask questions later. SFW. (Thanks Trevor)

Trent Reznor keeps being cool as he sticks it to the man.

Of Montreal reflects on selling out. And I agree with him wholeheartedly.

Alec Baldwin misses his motherfucking hair stylist

This morning a man tried to pick me up in a van as I walked to work. But don't worry I said "Fuck you! I am not getting in your van." And he listened.
-------------

So last night I went to see Bright Eyes with Thurston Moore and the Felice Brothers at Radio City Music Hall.

Here's an example of a Bright Eyes song that is interesting and dynamic so I love it:
- Touch
and some more good ones you can download:
- Lover I Don't Have to Love
- Gold Mine Gutted

Here's a pretty one that's a lil more boring but really sweet with smart lyrics that makes me think about winter nights in NYC:
- Lua

My favorite Bright Eyes songs are not the boring folksy stuff. I like grating experimental weirdly travelling sounds. I recommend you download these songs from Bright Eyes:
- The Calendar Hung Itself
- Easy/Lucky/Free
- Black Comedy
- No Lies Just Love
- Kathy with a K's song
- Tereza and Thomas
Those are my favorites.

And I saw Sonic Youth's Thurston Moore for the first time and loved it. His stuff is so deep and pushy into you. Love that. He goes in these bass/beat heavy places and I love that.

The thing that stood out most about last night's show was that at 7pm I found myself with 3 extra tickets and nobody to take them, couldn't sell em and no friends wanted to go to my surprise. I was so bummed and disappointed in myself for being so hasty on buying all those tickets.

But at 8 pm I had sold 2 to these really nice people, and found 3 friends who wanted to go (but only one joined me and we had a nice time), and the people in front of us and all around were very chatty and friendly, including this delightfully free spirited 19 year old girl. So I was happy. I had fun. Going to concerts I always feel like the music opens up my heart a little bit in that moment. Like how heat opens your pores or steam opens your sinuses ... that good strong mess of loud sound coming from human moved noise machines - that makes me feel all kinds of things like love and reflection and humannnness. I like concerts.

Here's another place where you can download some very nice mp3s
---------

Tonight I perform in Williamsburg- Standup, @ Spike Hill Bar and Grill, 6th/Bedford, 9:30pm.


oh man I could just look at this all day long

Thursday, November 15, 2007

lady bling



I decided that in general I need more skirts and dress. I feel pants are boring and I appreciate that skirts are a special privilege of being a dame. So I went to Joyce Leslie. Which we used to call Joyce Lesbian when we were preteens. Cause lesbianism is funny. Or as my former gay boss said "Dykes are weird."

They have an open shared dressing room. This makes for discomfort, but the kind of discomfort you simply accept.

The dressing room lady stood behind me and said to me in various states of half naked:
So, what if your friend is pregnant and didn't tell the father yet, and you knew the father, you wouldn't tell him, right? I mean it's me, it's cause when I was pregnant my friend told him. And now that I have the kid she is always gossiping and telling me what to do, I mean I have every right to be pissed off, right? And she is telling me the kid should get a dog to teach him fear, I mean I don't want a dog she doesn't even have a kid.
And as she spoke I nervously and meekly agreed with her, as I saw all of my clothes for trying on before me, I knew it was too late to turn back, and I was to place those dresses and skirts around my body. And I listened to this woman. And sure enough I agreed, you can't go having some bitch telling you to get your baby a dog, that shit ain't any of her damn business.


Lynx:
- The Encyclopedia of New York Video

- PDT

- Buffie the Body

- On Wussy Children and the Dangerous World.

- "There's a lot of misinformation about tawny owls.
"They're perceived to be very wise animals because of their appearance but really they're not very bright at all.


- Google's made a game where you do the work for them impressive idea.

- A doggy doing tricks

- Beaujolais Nouveau is here.

I keep having dreams that hauntingly weave reality into them so I have discernable traces of dream on my real memories. Very Messy Unsettling.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

they supply us with snacks at work

today they gave us meatstick

I have a serious addiction


to adventure

the most alluring thing about the rich and famous is not the bling bling and the ice
it's the possibility of the world opening up to some different shit

I'm demanding of this life
full of hunger and desire,
want to be swelled and fullly saturated by a million potentials
It's so so utterly impossible to behave for extended periods of time

aw snap, this opera music I'm listening to makes me wanna cry; man Bocelli has got teh sweet sweet vocals

Anyways, as I was saying
I know why the caged bird sings

I wanna ride the bull and the bull is not some sexual innuendo
I just wanna be tossed around

ride the bull
get tossed around
you can't handle the truth

but I can

who's with me?

cause you're either with me or against me.
Against me:
too tight panty hoses
RSVPs and reservations
shitty cupcakes
finity

With me:
high heels
vroom vrooms
sharpies
Falkor. Life should be more life Falkor and let me ride.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Thicksteak

Thicksteak!

I was checking out this wine website:
http://buyersvine.com/
because I am very sophisticated - and there is a section where you can browse wines by food the go with. And there is a choice. It is thicksteak. On the very top:


Thicksteak.

I want.
I want for a present.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

sometimes the modern world is so sterile it's hard to imagine that there was once a divided east and west germany in my lifetime

so numb to what we've become
we sit obediently accepting what we are spoonfed
all the time

to question is to exercise free will
and to be human

the poison of modern times
is to feel that we have asked all questions
already

we accept pain
and injustice
regularly
under the pretense
that we will be afforded
pleasure
sweetness
along with it

to fight injustice is sacrifice
submission is acceptance of social life
the desire for others

a man who lives life in battle fights alone

we cooperate constantly
man is a political animal

in order to love
you must compromise

in order to feel
you must bare your flesh

in order to eat
you must open your mouth

purity is inhuman
i'm not angry with the machine
the wheels that turn go straight
but at least they move

New Video: Michelle Braverman from November Street Meat



Here's the pamphlet Michelle passed out

Thursday, November 08, 2007

THIS IS THE 1,000th POST ON HEATHERFINK.COM!

I AM SO ACCOMPLISHED AND THIS MOMENT IS SO SPECIAL I WANNA THANK GOD AND YOU FOR ALL OF THIS OMG-TASTIC uh

hey where's my cake
1,000th post is stupid. Here we go anyway:

You might see me ask Deepak Chopra and Mike Myers a question on tonight's episode of Iconoclasts on the Sundance Channel. 10pm. I asked cuz I'm inquisitive. And cause Deepak is sooo magical. Sigh. Myers is delightful too. I always see him walking around the city trying very hard to avoid eye contact with the general public.

Also spotted round the city recently, Hillary Duff trying to get a cab while with some ok looking dude. Who cares? Why do I mention it? I don't know. It's faintly interesting to see - simply see a pop star and have nothing cool happen - and I can't tell you why.

And I got the fun chance to see Sarah Silverman on Sweet on Tuesday night. She was so vulnerable doing this material she has done for massive audiences in front of this intimate, intently listening crowd. It was stuff you could see her do on Jesus is Magic. I remember seeing her when I'd go into the city in high school. Back then she didn't strictly have an "offensive" schtick. She's always been smart and sharp. I hope she decides to experiment and try new material again. It was such a pleasure.

I really like this new youtube video by Will Hines - What If There's Bears



I am a big fan of hip marketing, the design and concept here are nice - but mutual funds? And could the models look like bigger douchebags? Any seriously - the cross section of folks is especially white. I always think it's kinda lame when you see black models and black stars that don't even look black. Halle Barry wins an award but she's half white. I know it's something, but still. I always feel sad for our state of cultural progress when I think about how whitified other ethnicities become when famous. You know- people straightening their hair, eye fold surgery for asian peoples - I think natural beautiful = awesome.

Anyways, that's off topic. My point is that hipster investing is silly. Doesn't mean I'm not curious though.

PS- This is JUST GREAT I LOVE IT! I'LL DO ANYTHING FOR IT.


you just tell me what i have to do i will go to any lengths tell me please i want this

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

I like to be friendly and open
I like to be warm and encourage others to open up
I like to engage others in collaborative activity
I like to get people to cause trouble and be unlike themselves
and also to get them to be themselves
I like to go finding treasures in people

But if you are creepy I shut off
get scared
get pale in the face
become quiet
still for a moment
and run away
most especially if I think you are gonna touch me weird or make me go dancing or go to a place that is a dance club
sometimes I pretend that I like to go out dancing just to be agreeable
but I really dont
I do like to dance though
when it happens by accident

If you make me nervous or are kinda creepy
I don't wanna know what's inside you
or tell you what's inside me

And also
if I feel that I know you in a professional capacity
or you are a family friend
or you see me when I'm being serious
It's also very scary to show you the real me
and I'm not sure that I wanna see you that way either

let's keep this in the daytime

The night is a big permission slip
u don't def get to come on the field trip without a signature, ok?

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Last night's meat

I loved it! Our audience is so smart and loving. I love them. I love this show. It's always so different and fun. And Rick Shapiro was great. He also loved the show and crowd. Both him and his manager said he'd like to come back and do our show as much as possible! Yay. That was a nice compliment.

PS - Here's a new article written about Rick, maybe you can get a sense of why we thought he was a special guest: http://www.slate.com/id/2177380, thanks to Neil for passing that article along :)

(I posted the video of the character I did last night here.) "Crabs Is Bad" post below corresponds with the video.

Crabs is bad

Info Pamphlet by Michelle Braverman



Crabs get in your pubes and ruin em up somethin awful
You can prevent it with a cream
You should go and ask your doctor for it








Crabs is not all FUN and GAMES


DO NOT:

- go rubbing your pubes on dogs and cats



DO NOT:
- go playin a joke like your pubes is a trash can and let all your friends put their candy wrappers and their eated up choco tacos in there

DO NOT:
- go scratchin at it - I know this is a hard one but I think you could really learn from this cause I scratched at mine so hard it got me a bigger rash on top of my crabs rash and that's like bacon burgers you know? like meat on meat but that's good so it's not like that. It's like bad on bad. Like a mean person who's got all these dittos all taped up on her, right? Like cause I HATE my homework and I don't need to be fillin out dittoes I work so hard as it is for my future. Like this bitchy girl Cathy, if she was covered in all these History assingments and I had to go up to her and fill out this question like "how far away is bermuda" I mean hell if I know and I really don't wanna even have to have small talk with Cathy she is so annoying.

DO NOT:
- get crabs


This is what Pubes Crabs looks like close up

Sunday, November 04, 2007

sad discovery (at the end so don't read it if you don't want to be sad with me)

There is a monster at the end of this book!


Dawson HATES the monster.

I saw an old man with a walker in the subway and he was wearing a leather biker jacket and a leather hat like something you'd see on the village people. Either he was
a) super gay
or
b) someone who takes care of him hates him and dressed him this way

I didn't say it here yet but it's becoming more relevant to my being: I'm writing a book. I like working on it. It feels nice.

I saw Sufjan Stevens' BQE, an orchestral piece about the BQE, this weekend. It filled my heart with joy. Absolutely beautiful. I enjoyed this part of the show much more than when he played his hits. I find that he never plays my favorite songs, like Jason, Kill, Flint, That Dress Looks Nice On You - but was all very very beautiful. He had the most instruments with him than he's had before.

I drank this big ol glass of wine just now.

People think to themselves scary thoughts about futures, like about babies and marriage and stuff. I asked myself recently what would I do if I was accidentally pregnant today? That question used to be easier when I was younger. ABORT! Cuz I'm young. I would tell myself, well I can't have a baby if I don't have any money and don't want it. And so now I'm old enough and can support myself so I could. And so what is the answer? Seems complicated. I should take responsibility. I'm not sure emotionally how that would affect me. But nah I decided. Abort. Cuz babies is serious n all. Having an abortion must be traumatizing. Babies and making babies is major weird crazy. I can't believe I have all these things inside me enabling me to do so. I just like doing my thing with the glass of wine and doing what I want and the buying myself expensive creams and the television watching.

One day a baby could be drinking milk out of my boob!
INSANE!

WTF

So there's a Street Meat tomorrow night
8pm
Monday 11/5
Cake Shop, 152 Ludlow
Be there or be a fuck head.

I got a Greek yogurt cup the other day with strawberry (I prefer the cherry) and I began to stir the two together (greek yogurt is very delicious and so eating this yogurt makes me feel happy) AND THEN I saw a note on the container that read "Do Not Stir"
What the heck! I had been stirring the strawberry into the yogurt already- and really I had been buying these yogurt cups quite frequently lately, stirring the fruits into the creamy yogurt - FUCKING IT UP FOR MYSELF EVERY TIME! I don't know what it's supposed to taste like. I don't know what the real experience is supposed to be like for me and this yogurt. I suppose the fruit is merely a topping that I should dip over onto the other side bite by bite. I'm so sad. So so fucking sad. I can't blog right now. I'll talk to you later.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

zombies are stupid

I like a lot of weird stuff but I have always thought that zombies were stupid and boring - ahhh the walking dead? LAME. Ghosts are interesting. Spooky ghost stories. Or aliens. Or robots with animal parts. Walking dead is stupid. Oh no what if I get bit by a zombie oh no! I will never get bit by a stupid zombie accept for on that fucking facebook and it's really not exciting or fun when that happens. Sure, maybe a robot will spite man and attack him, and maybe an alien will come to earth and rip out my eyeballs. But zombies? Dude, dead people are totally dead. Whatever.


also This costume I like.


PS the ENTIRE WORLD should be partying tonight
make
yourself
have fun

unless somebody died or you have something really bad you are going through
you owe it to yourself to do whatever you want ok? feel better, you.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

F'ing Success FINALLY

YES

So, I blew off plans I felt quite compelled to take part in, ignored advances from friends in the neighborhood offering free drinks at bars (ok so one offered free drinks, the other offered general fun times) and stuck to it.

Tonight was for me to stay in and work on this damn thing I was gonna work on and then go out but I didn't make a enough progress so I couldn't leave.

And I didn't.

And I made lots of progress! Seriously. I began writing something I couldn't figure out for the longest time and now it all makes sense to me.

Clarity.
Fertilization.
Success.

me: seed planted

fog

There are seriously so many things on my mind that I'd like to say right now but I can't.

Because ... because
I've been kidnapped
by a racist salmon farmer
and he has big hands that are so big he can't fit them in any gloves

and he always makes me sit with him and listen to his stories about how you can avoid dying when lava is coming your way
because he knows that lava and volcanoes are deadly
and that fault lines run beneath the earth in infinite locations
and so you never know when lava is going to strike

sigh

I wish that was why

but really
the things I would like to articulate
are things I fear committing to printed word

I'm not interested in making declarations right now
I'm transitional
I'm fleeting
I'm up to something
Those things are true and declarable
oh and this one I'd like to say
I have become increasingly interested in selfishness, most particularly when it comes to my time

And though I've come to desire personal time and space moreso than ever before, I am not terribly successful in acquiring it.

Relatedlymoreso, I am capable of articulating these declarations:
I am not willing to give up every night to comedy
I am not willing to give up every night to friends
I am not willing to give up every night to scoring with dudes
yet I love comedy, friends and dudes and so
Dear Comedy, Friends, and Dudes:
Please Be Not Insulted By My Distance
Love, Heather

and so my ambition has become a dumb sperm searching for something to inseminate

am swimming through the warm fallopian, just haven't penetrated those sweet ova membranes

-----






What does that even mean? I can't expect you to know. I am swimming with these ideas, aiming, trying to poke into something. I am working on many many projects, all of which must not be abandoned. There's just no one thing that's complete and settled like a fertilized egg, one that can be set in a womb and left to erupt into a life of it's own. That's what. There is want to penetrate, but I am not in that phase right now. I am doing the swimming, the exploring, the developing. And so I repeat:

me:
a dumb sperm
swimming
inseminate
just haven't penetrated
membranes

Monday, October 29, 2007

I'm in your Halloween, Punishing You.

So, my Halloween costume this year is the Punisher. You should read about him so you know how cool this character is read here Sure, it's a female version, cause I'm a lady. But I'm punisher. I fancy myself as Garth Ennis' Punisher. Not the early one in spandex. I got the logo sewn on a black shirt that I liked, and I went to an Army Navy Store to get some gear.

WHICH I LOVED
omg! Army Navy store is like candy store!
I wanted all of the fun cool things in there. This was one of the first times I built a costume where I felt like I was getting to be some fantasy version of who I would love to be. I got a pellet machine gun, a fancy shoulder harness, and a fancy gun belt which all strapped together. I was gonna get a plastic glock thingy, and then there were these fake grenades, and these awesome magazines made of bullet cases so it looked real. But I had to stop myself at a point.

When I wore my outfit on Friday night I felt very cool but powerless because my gun was not real. When pirates sword fighted at me I knew I had a much more powerful weapon but since it didn't have any sounds or real bullets I felt impotent and sad.

One of these days I will be a post apocalyptic war hero.

Related:
Fire a Cap in My Ass 'n Call me Kip Winger- I would just love to pack me some heat!

Unrelated, interesting things by way of gothamist:
The splasher speaks
Puppy Parade

Look inside:
The New Singapore Airbus
The Mac OS Leopard

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

The heart wants fought for fast food

Download The War Criminal Rises and Speaks - Okkervil River. Lyrics

I discovered this song a while ago but I think it's one of the finest original songs made in years. It's got this classic storytelling style and Will Sheff's breathtakingly honest voice. I am not as into their newest album, but overall Okkervil River has got some incredible stuff.

And in case you didn't find that interesting, here's a catalog of comic book groin shots.

And in case you didn't find that interesting, here's other people's IM conversations.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

time machine

So today I gave a deposition as a witness in a trial relating to my old job working for Lucas. In doing so I recounted my past, my life, old emails. It was bizarre. I feel weird. Remembering old dramas, who I was then, what I experienced, it was a hell of a lot.

I can barely wrap my head around the variety of things going on in a day and here I revisited some of the more interesting chapters of my life.

I do not think I have a boring life.

And yet I get in front of microphones.

And yet I type openly here.

And when this happens, so little trickles out.
Compared to the enormity of what lies inside.

Overwhelmed.

nevermind about f*cking it

i decided on a new costume so everything is cool now

dude i am so like f*ck it

I can't think of or pull together a damn new costume I don't have time What am I Free Time Having Lady I'm not I'm Heather Fucking Fink Bitch oh sorry for the attitude I've been listening to Britney Spears a lot lately

so I'm wearing the Uma Kill Bill costume again and if anyone is all like oh you wore that before like a hundred times i am gonna be all like oh sorry that I am trying to make something of myself in the world and maybe try to do all this awesome stuff so whatever stupids

mobile entertainment entertains me

blackberrylove

I love my blackberry mobile device. But Kristen loves her iPhone. Woot woot. You go girl:
Ms Sloan does the iPhone

A little while ago I made some instructional videos for my old company.

I made some new ones for my new company, Thumbplay. Adam co-stars as we explain some basic features about the site.



Click here to watch the video


Related and funny: This article's title
AOL Fingers Thumbplay
I like, didn't know websites could do that to eachother and stuff. But I'm not necessarily opposed.

Monday, October 22, 2007

sausages are the best type of links

and I'm telling you I wish so hard with my brain cells that I could digitally transmit sausage links over the internet. BUT I CANT. I want to. But I CANT. Oh god. I just can't. Here's some hyper links. You click on the words. They take you to a URL. It's alright I guess ...

In this extremely well done (bravo) College Humor video, Adam is wearing my mom's old Gloria Vanderbuilt polo shirt. MY MOM'S SHIRT. He is supposed to be a bro. It's so F'ed up.
Watch Brohemian Rhapsody

I don't know Moby very well, but he did tell me to watch this video of a car being smashed by a pumpkin.

Hey guess what I found on the internet?
Other peoples photos with me in them. Here, won't you enjoy more examples of my digital life?
- a party
- kickin it

(not funny) A friend of a friend died. She showed me his myspace page. People are posting comments there. This cold digital format is capable of making me feel a lot of things. In this case, deeply sad things.

Not links, worth mentioning:
- I went home this weekend for a gathering at my parents house. We didn't have relatives who lived nearby growing up so my mom's friends and kids were a lot like my aunts and uncles and cousins. And I haven't seen some of them in a while. And I love em and I'm lucky that they're a part of my life.
- I dyed my hair red again.

Ok bye.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Pictures of me and my relaxing with my friends

Here, look!

oh, and so much more fun before your weekend:

- please help my friend find what she wants.
- Horseballs good for horses
- Look at mine
- A bunch of tech dudes charmingly heckled Monday's Street Meat shouting something about Goatse. I didn't look at it cause I was warned. But it is defined as:
a picture, hello.jpg, showing a naked man stretching his anus open to a diameter roughly equal to the width of his hand, with the inside of his rectum clearly visible. Below his gaping anus, his dangling, semi-flaccid penis and scrotum were visible.

it's all so
w
t
f

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Problems with my standup and my comedy

Sometimes a person feels like all they need is an opportunity and for someone to give them a break. While I don't exactly feel like I've been given a break - I do feel like I am in a place where if I want to be heard, people are listening. I feel like I do understand a lot about the comedy scene and how it works. I feel like if I had something brilliant to put out there, it would not fall on deaf ears.

People do book me on their shows. And in that gracious time, in every single opportunity, I could very well be blowing their minds. But I'm not. Not even close. And that kills me.

I feel that I am capable of it. I feel that I am capable of creating comedy that is very special, personal, and unique, that will resonate with people make them feel something.

But I just don't know how to get it out of me.

I'm not sure where it is, still.

I have so many different distinct sides of me that are very pronounced. I am a serious person and at the same time very silly. I know that who I am on one show is very different from who I am on the next. I often don't remember what I did the last time and how I did it.

It's not enough that I do well some times and get some laughs. I want to know who I am and what the hell I am doing.

There is a stage. There is a spotlight. The mike is on.

I will figure this thing out one way or the other.

it matters to me what you think

but not you

Retired Joke Department: Vote for Hillary

So I'm experimental in my standup and I like to try different kinds of things. For a couple of shows last winter I was telling this monologue about why you should vote for Gore and not Hillary. In reality I support Hillary 100% so with the election coming closer I don't really want to tell this joke any more. For the record- I think you should vote for Hillary in spite of what you think of her history or persona. She's simply competent. She is smart, tough, experienced, level headed, and competent enough to do the job well. I'm sure she'd screw up as every President screws up, but for the most part I think she'd push the country a lot closer to where it needs to be than the other folks out there. Obama is all personality and no experience. Too young. Not yet. Hillary!


I just love these dorks.

Anyways- here's the big long diatribe/joke:
------------------------------------------

It's time to talk about our choices for president in 2008 before it's too late. But let me start off by asking you a question: Do you think that those trees in movies like Big Fish and Lord of the rings came to life via CGI special effects? NO people! Who are you kidding!? That was Al Gore. Al Gore came to the movie set and made them move. That shit is too complicated to animate. Those trees were real. Al Gore can speak to trees, and god almighty if the American people just fucking got behind the poor ol humdrum guy I'm sure that Ol Gorey Mc Gorenator could send his trees over to git and Kill Osama and all terrorists! But he's not gonna do it without our help.

Here we are thinking about electing Hillary Clinton. Don't you all see that Hillary is a fuckmachine gone wrong? Yes. Many years back Bill got a really expensive robot fuckmachine. It was based in the science behind the documentary film "Weird Science". He took all the qualities he thought he wanted. He wanted blonde, well bred, ivy league smart, focused, someone who could keep up with him in politics.


And he wanted her to have a sweet and amazing coochie. She's a cybernetic organism. Human skin over metal endoskeleton, and she can age. Hillary Clinton's cybernetic gina is the bomb- it's like abysmally perfect. It feels like if you crossed an alpaca and a cloud, in impossible dream of softness, but it's completely wet like the furious rivers of the Amazon, and it's tight like a vice. Plus it looks absolutely beautiful, you would want to put it in a picture frame if you saw it. It's like Helen of Troy, a beauty so mezmerizing that it could start a world war. That's why they keep it under wraps cause the Clintons are anti-war, or at least they were until Hillary's pro-Iraq war vote- a vote that made her pussy very angry, so angry that it imploded and a new one began to grow- like a phoenix rising from the ashes, or a lizard whose tail was chopped off. Yes, all of this is true.

Anyway, Bill created this machine because he's really horny. And he wanted it to be perfect because cybernetic fuckmachines are expensive and he was in college and didn't have too much extra cash to throw around, after all, he came from a poor family, raised by a single mother in the south. Now I know you wouldn't think that Hillary was a fuckmachine cause her face ain't no Kathy Ireland or anything like that. But Bill didn't want her to be too conspicuous, plus, contrary to the stunning Kelly LeBrock who in real life would be called to question. No, Bill wanted a real, modest looking woman, and he didn't want any of his friends trying to bogart his machine because that's unsanitary. And so him and the machine really worked out. She was so well crafted that she's been able to do a lot of great things on her own. But she's all an illusion. A temptress to any liberal and democrat types.

I mean, everyone knows there's something not quite right about her. She seems like the perfect thing that so many of us want- a strong, powerful, confident woman in office. But truth is that she's as socially inept as all robots are. I mean, she knows why we cry, but that is something she can never do. She's our false hope and she isn't the answer. That's why we should all vote for Al Gore in 2008 for president again. It makes perfect sense.

FUCK YOU EGG

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Do not upset the purse people

My friends. It seems I have messed with the wrong people.

Apparently there's a bunch of freaks out there on the internet who have an emotional connection to handbags and purses.

For your reference -
My blog about Louis Vuitton bags written about 2 years ago.


Louis Vuitton bags are ugly. I would take one as a gift since they are well made- but they aren't cute and you look like an idiot carrying one. It's not sensible, even if you can afford it, or cute, to show off something that's grossly more expensive than it's worth.

And I'm just bein' silly. The fact that these people took my entry so seriously speaks to a whole new level of materialism that I wasn't aware existed. Either way, what they said is really funny. And so I'm posting it below.

Highlights from the forum:

"Ok so I was trying to google for some LV banner & i found this lady's blog about LV. What is she even talking about? LV purses are not ugly. They are sophisticated, elegant, very durable...and there's so many word to describe it. I just had to post this up. UGGH she had to idea what she's talking about. Many celeb wear LV and there's ton of people out there who dream to even own one."

"Not everyone has discriminating taste.....or class."

"I hate her."

"I agree! Maybe one factor that she hates LV because there's a lot of replicas around and she cannot distinguise which one is real or not. LOL!"

"LIKE GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ!
NUMBER 1. she's the one producing the fake products! and angry because she's not making a profit?

Number 2. she's the one producing the fake products! and angry because she's not making a profit!

Number 3. she's the one producing the fake products! and angry because she's not making a profit!!!

c(-__________-) LOL"

"lol. she doesnt seem like she has that great a fashion sense herself. its okay i use to think that a lot of LVs were ugly ( i reallllllly hate brown) then it really really grew on me. and now i am in LVoe!"

"yet she has a fake Prada... uh duh!
And she probably just needs attention."

"her whole blog is so blatantly a desperate plea for attention...
and i found it weirdly over the top................"

"I think the fact she was on a tacky show like Elimidate pretty much attests to the type of person she is. Also, she seriously needs to brush up on her grammar, spelling, and punctuation. If she wants people to take her seriously, it would do her well to learn to not write like a blind, brain damaged, chimp."

"Sigh, not even going to read it. It's just too ignorant for my taste."

"When some people says such things to my father (about luggage, but also expensive wines, journeys, restaurants an hotels and so on), he says:
"Whaaaat? So do you think, that rich people are stupid???????????""

"Excatly!!!! My sister thinks they are the ugliest bags she's ever seen , this is from a person that doesn't even own a handbag, any handbag lol, I think she's just derranged LOL, I couldn't live without a handbag!!!
All that matters is that "you" like them."


And my personal favorite:

"Had to scan her blog...curiousity got the better of me...these rude and hateful comments come from a woman who "peed in a sink"....enough said."


There is nothing hateful about making fun of purses. They are purses.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Time for Art!



Tonight I am performing a new character on Street Meat! Please come to the show. 7:30 @ 152 Ludlow St.

I am so proud of myself right now that god should smite me for my sin of pride. I am proud of a specific thing I discovered on Saturday night. If you are out late at night in the streets, perhaps you have been drinking, perhaps the people around you have been too- it is extremely enjoyable for you and those around you to make loud pronounced fart noises - two hands fart noises - at passers by. And you have to preface it by saying "hey, hey you ..." and then when you have full attention, you make the fart noise. It's really fun to do, and absolutely every person I did that to laughed quite a lot. And so I give myself a gold star.

I think my neck bones are inflamed. Isn't that what happens when you got a stiff neck? I got that. Hmph. Inflammation.

UPDATE: I bought these topical devices to treat my neck. I will surely be better very soon.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Street Meat is this coming Monday!

STREET MEAT
Crazay Street Character Comedy
Monday OCT 15
7:30pm
Cake Shop @ 152 Ludlow St NYC
Hosted by HEATHER FINK and ADAM NEWMAN
- shorter and earlier than usual! Just a lil Cocktail Street Weiner.

with special guests
- RICK SHAPIRO (Lucky Louie, Pootie Tang, Howard Stern)
- LANG FISHER (The Onion)
- UBER LUBER (death metal from Adam Newman and Trevor Williams)
- video from ADAM WADE (since meat is a food, and we love his food related videos)

!

We're back and we love you so very much.
www.StreetMeatComedy.com


PS- here's a clip I liked of Rick Shapiro on Lucky Louie


- Jessica and Ashley Simpson at Planet Hiltron


- Arcade Fire's new website is one of the most incredible example's of web medium as art I've seen.
http://beonlineb.com/click_around.html

- Vote for Winter Sounds - Check out Jamie on the drums!