Monday, January 15, 2007

On Sexyness

These nice people asked me and Brandy to be lingerie models in their fashion show, Hot and Nasty. The other people that are doing it are comedians and writers who happen to also be sexy. It's not run by seedy dudes who want to see ladies in their undergarments. Rather, it seems to be run by a bunch of cool chicks and the outfits are fun, cool, and vintage. Everything about it tells me that should be something cool and fun for me to be a part of, but the truth is, I'm terrified of the idea of doing it, I even hate the idea. Thing is, I let my ex boyfriend take artful nude pics of me- which he did, and they were not-pornish enough that he submitted them for a college photo project (mostly closeups of indiscernable parts, and one kickass ass pic). And I am totally open to the idea of having an accomplished artist paint or photograph me. I guess in that way I'm most curious what an artist would see. As a subject I'd feel a part of the art in some way and I find that totally interesting.

But I don't like the idea of being sexy in front of people whatsoever. Actually I wouldn't feel comfortable posing for a pic that was sexy as opposed to "beautiful" or even ugly. I wouldn't mind them making me ugly. I kind of like the process of getting ugly- on stage or otherwise.

Just that idea of being in front of someone, being sexy, ugh it gives me nausea. Like an absolute grounding fear/hatred. I think maybe I hate more than others to be catcalled. I feel like when someone looks at me and says shit, it takes away my power, because I can't control or stop who is looking at me. I want to punch them in their faces and rip their thoughts out of their brains. I want to jump inside their cerebral cortexes, find the image of a sexualized me in there, grab it, and rip it to shreds. I don't like being looked at like that.

Unless it's in my bedroom, in front of some dude I am getting it on with. I like wearing outfits and all of that. I do like feeling sexy, just in front of that particular person I have selected.

Sounds weird coming from a host of "sexytime" right? I guess to me that's about being unintentionally sexy. I was once in this comedy workshop and the guy was like "never wear skirts on stage" and saying things about how people wouldn't be able to listen to the words I am saying because they are going to be thinking about fucking me. I think he was just being a weird perv because I think I can look as cute as I fucking want and look my best on stage and all of that AND talk about sexual topics if they're interesting to me. So fuck that guy. That's a lot of what Sexytime is about for me.

Upon consideration, I'm quite certain it's a power and control issue. I consent to a sexual partner having lustful thoughts about me. I give him my T and A happily and willingly. But any random fucker on the street can't have that goddamn it! It makes me so MAD to be glared at! These titties are MINE.

In conclusion I guess I can't be in their show. Though I really adore vintage lingerie, that shit is so hot! Unless I can hand select who sees me and I get to place them before me as I choose, it's not gonna happen. Seeing as it's a show/party ... NO SOUP FOR YOU.

I'm going to attend though. Sounds pretty cool.

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