Monday, February 26, 2007

Thoughts from an evening walk

Enduring the painfully produced Oscars till the very end was well worth it for the walk home. The characteristically bleak Christie street was covered in a perfect, peaceful sheet of fresh snow leaving the normally dirty, pathetic city trees looking completely elegant. It was once of those simple moments of something extraordinary and private, so completely satisfying to enjoy alone. I listened to some beautiful song and remembered how much I enjoy listening to music in the snow. It reminded me of one night in high school when I came home after I was supposed to meet up with some guy I was dating but he dicked me over somehow, and I pulled into the driveway as it began to snow hard. I just sat there with the parking lights on, listening to the new phish album I just purchased, some song with the word velvet in it, something really pretty, not their usual jamband hippy bullshit. I remember feeling so good, peaceful, happy. That stupid boy didn't matter to me anymore as the snow and the music diffused all hostility and confusion.

And I thought about how addicted to dating I am. Here's where I admit that for the past couple of years I've pretty much been dating on average two guys at a time, usually at the max three and then I stop taking new prospects in any given rotation. Sometimes there's an empty period before a new group comes into the picture, and since I am a boycrazy man-addict these periods can be particularly painful. But in general it works so well. It helps to stop the possibility of dependence and later disappointment, something I come to expect at some point. And sometimes its downfall is pushing the good ones away so that they might not stifle my autonomy. I have many ambitions in life but love and making a family is not one of them. It's just something I know I want and probably need to happen, but I'm not willing to look for it or seek it. No my ambitions are a different kind of thing. The kind that make me fear influence and compromise with the will of another. And so I come to enjoy the moments I share with the people in my life for all their present tense glory, more than thinking about the future or what will come next, since I know any hopes I might have of predicting who will be there tomorrow can ultimately fall flat with no opportunity for redemption. Therefore I prefer avoidance of disappointment to avoidance of conflict. And furthermore, I prefer to party all the time.

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