Friday, March 30, 2007

Send this blog post to 11 people or your shoes will f'ing explode neon tits out of them

I really enjoyed last night's set at Rififi. I tried a new style of comedy that felt different, but it really felt right. In my first year of doing standup I was able to develop a pretty good set of jokes that I felt alright about. But in my second year I feel like it's more about experimenting and trying to figure out what's really authentically me. Last night I felt like I made that step for myself, and I've been developing all of my new jokes around this. So if you see any of my new standup from now on, it will be very different from what you've seen me do. I'm excited and enjoy doing jokes this way much much more. Ima findin' mahself!

In England there is a female comic named Catherine Tate who is well loved over there. She's got a bunch of funny characters. One of her most popular characters, Lauren, has a catch phrase "Am I bothered" which basically means, "Do I look like I give a fuck?"

Anyhoo, she makes me laugh, and in a feat of British amazingness, their PM Tony Blair does himself some sketch comedy with Catherine Tate. Amazing!

Catherine Tate with Tony Blair

zero gravity beach chair
I don't know how they took the gravity out of this beach chair but they did

but what I really want is to be king of my roof-

can you IMAGINE me in this!

Also, I like this music video:

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Tonight

I'm doin this show right here:
Get Psyched hosted by Rob Lathan
Thurs. Mar. 29 @ 8:00pm
Co-Hosted with Adira Amram
Rififi (Cinema Classics)
332 E 11th Street
(btwn 1st & 2nd)
Tickets only $5
http://www.getpsyched.biz/

And I'll be doing some more experimental stuff. Really I am trying to get into doing more standup so hopefully my set will fuse my weirdo tendencies with more traditional style jokes. We shall see. This is the second year of me doing stand up and I'd like it to be devoted to tryin stuff out and seeing if it works. Cross yo fingaz! Ok you don't have to but I will cross miens.

PS- http://www.icanhascheezburger.com/ is so addictive!

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Rejected from ONN



Man, seeing the Onion News Network everywhere is annoying cause I almost got a job writing for that. Anyways I had 2 days to write a 2 page script for a news parody show titled "America's Scariest Shit". Here's what I wrote. Very different from their final product:

Female Newscaster: In local news, Warry the warbear, fuzzy king of biological warfare, took consumers by surprise when it spontaneously omitted mustard gas from it's plastic eyeballs and intermittently urinated live poisonous jelly fish; killing a handsome group of spritely little boys on Sunday.

Warbear Company Rep: "You see, we were hoping to capture the warlike essence that we know a teddybear has the potential to produce; however, we did not think that our efforts to produce a warlike bear could have had any real world consequences. We were all taken completely by surprise upon discovering that in fact, things happen when you set up a situation in which such things happening becomes favorable. When we created a bear that could omit poisonous gasses and urinate a species of sea-life, we were so overtaken by the joy of our creation, we simply could not fathom the pain, suffering, and death of children that Warry brought about. And to the families of the dead babies and little children, what can I say, shit happens. I’m sorry, I mean, life is hard and then you die."

Female Newscaster: Truer words never spoken.
(turns to new camera angle dramatically.)
Did I ever tell you about the time that my bastard exboyfriend forced me to eat a live baby chicken while a clown pointed to me and laughed? That was hard. Very. Fitting a whole animal, even of small size, into your mouth is quite a challenge, especially with a feathery exterior and mobile body. But I did it, because that’s how life is. It presents challenges to you that are hard and then you have to do things that you don’t want to.
That’s my little editorial P.O.V. of the day. What’s yours? What? I can’t hear you … ha hahahah (laughing to herself awkwardly, then returning to straight face).

----------

FN: On Monday, scientists discovered that there is no more love left in the human heart. We have here with us today a scientist who makes such a claim. Scientist, how can you substantiate the idea that there is no more love left in the human heart?

Scientist: Well you see that’s really quite clear, and by the way I find it rather … amusing that you say this is an idea. This is no idea my tender lady of supple skin and mixed emotions- no not an idea at all. It is a fact.
FN: A fact?

Scientist: A cold, hard, bare-legged fact.

FN: Hmm. Makes you think.

Scientist: Yes indeed it makes you think, and not about unicorns or ice cream cones with cherries on top. NO indeed not.

FN: (shakes head) No.

Scientist: It fills one with TERROR and ASTONISHMENT!

FN: (visibly shaken) Ohhh, yes, … um what?

Scientist: What, what?

FN: What fills me with this terror and astonishment?

Scientist: The cold hard bare-breasted fact that there is no more love left in the human heart!

FN: Oh, yes yes.

Scientist: You see, it has simply run out. And you know what this means, don’t you?

FN: I will no longer be barren and infertile?

Scientist: (ominously) NO.

FN: (excitedly) I won’t! I will have my own baby of my own genetic materials!

Scientist: NO! I meant no it does not mean that! (green spooky light on his face) It means that there will be no more valentines day or babies suckling upon their mother’s breast fondly and tenderly! It means no more suns setting upon the beach as lovers embrace. It means no more hugs and no more smiles upon puppies faces. It means so more charity and no more prayer. And furthermore if I were you, I wouldn’t be getting so excited at the idea of being able to reproduce. Your child won’t love you.

FN: (silent pause of shock) I … my …. News …. Up next on America’s Scariest Shit, Spencer goes out on assignment with a woman who’s apartment is mysteriously frigid.



Spencer: Yes, that’s right, Here I am a 546 Park Avenue with a woman who’s apartment is just WAY TOO COLD. So cold, that it’s scary.

Woman: It's very cold in my apartment. I was trying to make out with this guy I picked up at this bar out in Hoboken

S: And what happened

W: and I felt very uncomfortable with the temperature of the room.

S: And what normally happens when you are in your room

W: well I certainly don't feel this uncomfortable

S: (moves close to her, touching her)
like this? is this uncomfortable?

W: No. (They hug and cry and then return to normal positions)

S: Have you tried turning the heat up?

W: (blank stare, eyes blinking) What are you talking about?

S: Temperature, it can be adjusted.

W: (realizes she hasn’t, tries to change the subject) Enough about me, let’s talk more about you.

S: (very seriously) What would you like to know?

W: What is your favorite tv show? Is it Friends?

S: Yeah.

W: How come?

S: I liked how it highlighted the lives, loves, and laughs of six young friends living in Manhattan.

W: I never thought about it.

S: Good god, I’m really starting to feel chilly.

W: (starts sobbing) I know, I know …

S: I’m Spencer aka the SpenceMachine live in Hoboken from a freakishly cold apartment. And I don’t know about you, but I’m getting the hell out of here.

FN: Thank you Spencer.

Newscaster sneaks up behind her while she is newscasting and yells “boo”

God! You scared the shit out of me you cum-guzzling fartknocker! GOSH DARN THIS FLIPPED UP POOP SHOW! (walks out)

Male voice over: (hurried) …. Um, that’s the end of the show. (Show quickly cuts off)


Oh well- 'spose this isn't their cup of tea ... Perhaps it's not yours either- hooray!

This tea cup's got a puppy in it- curious indeed!

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

FUCK, I'M CHOKING

SOMEBODY PLS HELP ME MY ONLY WAY OF CONTACTING THE OUTSIDE WORLD IS THROUGH THIS BLOG FOR SOME REASON


my illustrated doggy is also choking pls pls help us

Meats: Episode One



In the next episode of this monthly series, the Meats become Self-Aware!

www.streetmeatcomedy.com

Monday, March 26, 2007

I may have had a blah weekend, but at least I found the stink



There was an awful, unpleasant odor in my apartment, and it lingered after I took out the trash and tossed away some items in the fridge. I began to feel insecure about myself for being so conducive to the production of such smells. Am I smelly? Where they right all this time - I am stinky finky?

But I found the stink!

A rotten onion, sitting on a shelf in the shade, a soupy mess inside an inconspicuous peel, a happy little sigh of relief. It's not me, onion, it's you.

-------------


Home Sweet Home is a cool bar.

I FINNNNNAAALLLLY got a new digital camera. Flickr page will be big pimpin majorly VERY SOON. What do you want me to take pictures of? Turtles? Stuff that looks like turtles? Any other suggestions? Please tell em to me now!

Okkkkk
back to bidness.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

No time to blog, will show you bear that Trevor refers to as "that asshole bear".

Please examine this video:
Knut

and the following article:
Cnn.com

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

TODAY WAS THE SHITTIEST DAY

last night was fun though
i acted inappropriately at times
got steak sauce up my nose and in my hair
shower steam infused with the sauce this morning
i woke up to wooostercestershire sauce n pepper smellz

somebunny bad hacked the apiary

I like that site!

That's not very nice.

See:

Monday, March 19, 2007

Good Morning!

The Village Voice picked Street Meat as a featured Voice Choice! Come see it tonight.
streetmeatvoice
www.StreetMeatComedy.com
8pm
@ Cake Shop, 152 Ludlow near Rivington

This weekend was good. I drank a lot at Standup and Party and it was whacky good times. Though it was less fun at the very end when people filtered out, the first hour or so was fun times. On Saturday I got bruises after saran wrap dancing led to injury. That's dancing with friends while in saran wrap. Also used knife sharpener to stab ziplock baggies box. That's just the way I am. I am ok with it and I hope you are too so that we can be friends.

Today I am wearing a soiled shirt because I have this alarm clock radio that uses radio to get the time and I can't change it and it doesn't know about Daylight Savings right now, and I forgot over the weekend that it was an hour off ... so I was late this morning- and I grabbed my shirt and it has yellow spots all over the arm. I look stupid.


Here my favorite man Bear Grylls eats some Zebra.
Really! I like to play "Bear Grylls" by eatin on stuff without extracting it from its container or peel first. You try it.

Also, recently I have fallen in love with I Can Has Cheezburger. Here are some highlights:








Friday, March 16, 2007

Party tonight at Mo's

Will standup comedy and partying ever come together as it should?
Find out tonight at

STANDUP AND PARTY!
Friday March 16
midnight
Mo Pitkins Upstairs
34 Ave A
Free

Hosted by me.



Featuring Ladies AND Gentleman!
Ladies first:
Eliza Faria Santos
Brandy Crawford
Jacqueline Novak
Joselyn Hughes
Amanda Pettit
Becky Cilletti
Brooke Van Poppelin

Now for the Bros:
Sean Crespo
Liam McEneany
John F O'Donnell
Adam Conover
Lucas Held
Matt McCarthy
Carl Arnheiter
Mike Burns
Luke Cunningham
Roger Hailes
Mike Dobbins
Adam Newman

A ONE NIGHT ONLY show/PARTY with a fantastic lineup- like 20
comedians- but ALL GOOD ones. They are allowed 5 minutes, they must promise not to take themselves seriously, and naughtiness, bad behavior, and rowdy drinking is encouraged. In fact, the show will not begin until everyone has drink in hand. Even if it's water. Even if you are an alchy you can have fun and POUND POUND POUND that water like they do in those fancy movies where people hug eachother with their privates and they aren't wearing any underpants.
AND I NEED YOU PEOPLE TO MAKE THIS GREAT- I WANT AUDIENCE
PARTICIPATION "SHOWTIME AT THE APOLLO" STYLE. Except like, I want y'all to be friendly-heckling, not with the purpose of interrupting, just jovial and participatory- LIKE U R AT A PARTY.
WILL SOMEONE ONE DAY INVENT A NEW KIND OF LETTER THAT IS NEITHER CAPS NOR LOWERCASE???? I WONDER.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

But in more important press

“Heather has this very strange obsession with raw meat,” said Adam Newman of his fellow comedian, Heather Fink.
About Monday's Street Meat show.
By the way, we look forward to showing the first episode from our Meat videos- a teaser for which can be seen here if you haven't seen it already:



Also, I was a guest on the Comic Book Show last night at the PIT and it was a blast! The host, guests and audience were all extremely pleasant and wonderful people. Much fun for everyone!
--------------

Sealab 2021!

--------------

And finally, Heather's opinion corner:
The Cosi Cobb is the best salad at Cosi.

Not Happy About This

This is not cool with me whatsoever and is largely not what I said. I absolutely never said that Michael wears padding and it's not ok that they printed it. All of the other shit they mentioned is stuff you can find in this blog.

AND PS I SENT HIM PICTURES OF BABY BUNNIES TOO. ISN'T THAT NEWSWORTHY?

Monday, March 12, 2007

I'm so into this

this



related: when I was little I ate raw bacon

related: last night I made a pork chop and wrapped it in prosciutto

related: I would eat raw humans if I could get my hands on it
WHAT? you would too

My feet carry a big F YOU upon them

HEY WORLD- I don't care what you have to say about my uggs. My feet feel so good in them. Any denigration of my footware is anti-me and anti-women. Oh I bet you'd like me in some pointy heel woman-oppressing torture shoe right now? Well guess what? It's UGGTIME (Exceptions can be made for shoes from the Jessica Simpson collection. I like these ones. A style ICON this woman. Icon.)

Friday, March 09, 2007

Kate Winslet- u got my back, girl.


This morning on the subway I saw this girl get on and her butt was all in my face because I was sitting and she was standing and I was all thinking - UGH I wish I had those skinny lil thighs so I could wear those skinny lil pants and then I looked up and realized she was like 10 years old. When does the skinny trend go from thin-ness to actually looking like you have the body of a child- unwomanly and prepubescent? I dunno- but my girl Kate said something cool:

Winslet wins diet story damages
"I feel very strongly that 'curves' are natural, womanly and real. I shall continue to hope that women are able to believe in themselves for who they are inside, and not feel under such incredible pressure to be unnaturally thin."



And I have gone through some weight fluctuation over the past few years. In high school I was a healthy size, but I put on some college pounds that I didn't like. Then came a terrible breakup and I was anorexic looking with a thin bobble head face deal. Now I've put some back on and I think I look most, I dunno- normal. I'm cool with it. Sure- I get mad at my armfats as they are useless and unproductive, or the explosive quantity of ass that makes outfitting them so difficult- some pants are rather unforgiving. But I'm healthy, and I eat right, and so whatever this thing is that I'm encased in, shape or size, it must be right, because I'm treating it the way it's supposed to be treated.

I was raised by a woman who was a lil overweight in her older years. But she never talked about it or complained. She's happy, productive, ambitious, and impressive. She's so much more than a pretty lady- I mean hell- she works for a huge company and was just awarded the best at her job in the whole world- all divisions! All in all she's a phenomenal role model. We didn't really talk about weight or food or stuff like all obsessive. I am sure I've never ever heard my mother say "I feel fat". I didn't even know that eating less could really make you lose weight until I learned from that post-breakup depression where I wasn't eating. That made a difference. Just as it made a difference in my confidence and ambition in life that she lead by example- showing me that she could do anything gave me some crazy idea that maybe I could too.

In other news, while I feel very secure about my web presense, I feel very insecure about my web video presense and it's drivin me crazy. I've been writing lots of web videos. I SURE HOPE I CAN SHARE MYSELF WITH YOU ALL MULTIMEDIA LIKE SOON! THEN I'LL REALLY BE A SOMEBODY.

SHOWS AHHHHHHH

Hello! IT's FRIDAY! I had the sniffles this week but they are pretty much all gone now- oooooh. If you notice me, you would notice that I haven't been doing as much standup as of late so I'm making a commitment to do s'more. Tonight I'm going to try to get on the open mike at UCB at midnight, and if I do it will be 100 percent new jokes I thought of last night in bed. It's a fun writing process really. I lay there tossing and turning and then giggling to myself like I'm all Girl Interrupted crazy and then I'm all like DAMMIT gotta get up and get my pen and paper and stuff and so then I do.

And if I don't get on the open mike as there are limited slots, I'll just pound a bunch of whiskies so that I make my body iller (and I don't mean slammin, I mean that I would contribute to the denigration of my immune system). I'll pound a bunch of whiskies anyway, really. That's how we do Friday here.

OH AND HERE's MORE INFORMATION IN CASE YOU LIKE THAT SORT OF THING:

Tuesday night catch me as a guest on the Comic Book Club Show at the PIT:
Here's what the Apiary had to say about this show
A Live Weekly Talk Show about Comic Books
Hosted by Justin Tyler, Pete LePage, and Alex Zalben
Tuesdays @ 9:30 PM
March 13:

Rich Bernatovech (Sentinels)
Heather Fink
& Musical Guests Caitlin & Britten

Tickets: $5
154 West 29th Street, 2nd Floor
Between 6th and 7th Aves.

ALSO

The next STREET MEAT is coming up!
Monday March 19
8pm
Cake Shop

www.streetmeatcomedy.com
Featuring-
- Roger Hailes
- Jake Goldman
- Matt McCarthy
- Jessica Delfino
- Adam Wade
- Luke Ryan, a blues guitarist from the streets
- and Beards playing after the comedy!



Future show dates can be found at heatherfink.com

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

what the fuck cnn

i was reading this f'ing book

haven't you ever heard of spoiler alert you freakin dickheads

I'm feeling sick but I reeeeaallly want to blog to you right now

and I'm feeling bad and sad about it because there's all these great things I want to tell you about but I just know I'm not going to be any good at it on account of my being under the weathers. I'm sorry about it, like a lot sorry. Well anyways ok, gulp .... big gulp .... here goes - here's the great stuff I want to tell you all about ok ok ok okok:


oooooh

Please explore "My Therapy Buddy" with sound. It will be a rewarding experience:
click this thingy.
"My Therapy Buddy is a transitional object. It's a wonderfully soft and huggable friend. My Therapy Buddy for psychotherapy, trauma, anxiety, depression, psychic, emotional, or transitional therapy. A teddy bear like therapeutic companion for distress, counseling and therapy."

Look at the inventor talk about his thing also.

I think that might be Cindy Crawford! How exciting.


Ok now I am going to talk about another thing. (UGH so sorry for screwing this whole thing up I just had to share all these things with you even though I know I'm not giving you my all right now. Suckfest alert. All in my brains and domains and URL. I'm CRYING. DYING INSIDE. Blog is so important. SOOOO Important. Momma always said, hey don't screw it up. Where's my pocketbook? Maybe I shoulda kept all that to myself. But what you will see here is that I didn't.)

So in a prior bloggging I had mentioned how weird it is that NBC created a blog for the character Hiro on Heroes and people actually comment on it like he's real. And not only is he a fake person, he's also a character that teleports so it's extra creepy that folks take him seriously. Wellllllllll, check out http://www.dailykitten.com/

I really like kittens every day, but I think there's not much to say about them. I mean it's like, BLAM - kitten- pet it and stuff. But at Daily Kitten people have lots to say. There's like 200 freakin comments on the kittens. I don't like it one bit. People say stuff like "my what a beauty." WOAH NO TOO WEIRD TOO WEIRD FOR ME.

Oh man. I'm glad I got through this. And we did it together.






grabbin butts!
You and me!

Sunday, March 04, 2007

I'm wearing my surprise pants just for you


so you should be more grateful. Ingrate.

Arf! Are you talking to me?


Yes I'm talking to you, puppy.

But I've got my surprise pants on too. Forgive me for being a little thrown off by the coincidence of this whole situation.

Ok puppy you need to give me a little space and stop making this all about you. I have a blog to write here.

No problem. Just give me a minute or so and you'll never have to be bothered by me again.


Puppy, is that a rifle?

Yes.

MY rifle?

Yes.

You didn't ask to borrow it.

Can't I even shoot myself without it turning into some argument?


Woah puppy calm down I don't see why this has to go there.

I just ... god, nevermind, I'm going to go play tetris.


You're really good at that.

Thanks.

--------------
BLOGTIME:
Hello, friend. Sorry for the sparsity of quality blog postings. As of late I just get a little obsessed with writing as much shit as I possibly can- but not like blogs just workin on my projects.

My friend and fellow Street Meater Adam Newman was just in a freakin huge ad campaign shot by Terry Richardson!

This is the video for Aerosmith's Crazy. It was the end result in a crazy fit of drunk manic youtubing. One in which I could not get sucked out of as they pulled me back in moment by moment. ANYWAYS look at these ladies. Back in the 90s, women had bodies. Think Kathy Ireland, Christie Brinkley, these chicks. They were skinny- but that's not what you thought when you looked at them- these ladies were babes and they were a lot thicker than today's hot chick. I know you've heard this before but I just want to remind people- what the fuck is up with how skinny hot chicks have to be on camera these days? Why can't they just be in shape or something? I was watching this Jesse Jane "film" that was really high budget and it was so disgusting cause she's so obviously anorexic - you could see her bones and the outlines of her implants and her vagina bones. VAGINA BONES. Arg. It's just one of those things that doesn't stop being annoying and doesn't seem to show any signs of changing. I think that the rise of video culture- meaning that we video tape and record everything- has a whole lot to do with why the trend has changed for women's bodies to be waifishly thin. The constant eye on the constantly inhuman body.

Back to talking about this modern world and how balls out crazy it is ... NBC paid people to write a fake blog for their character Hiro and people are actually leaving comments for the tv show character. It's a fact.

Back to talking about Youtube. Over a year ago I saw this Jim Henson retrospective at BAM. They showed all this obscure early stuff of his that blew my mind so hard I'd been dying to see it again. Well I found something! Blam ---- (watch it the whole way through to see how much cooler they are than you and me) !!!!



And check out this crazy bitch from America's Next Top Model! She's amazing.

Ok, that's all for now. About that obsessive writing thing- I just get so worked up about my free time trying to make sure I am working on all the stuff I can, making the most of it. I've decided to focus a lot on writing video specifically for web. I don't know who I am going to shoot any of it with but I just want to have a bunch of really good scripts. Plus theres the book, Terminator 4, and standup. Oh and I wrote a new Street Meat video (we make those for our live show and the next one is March 19 at Cake Shop) .... soooo that's what I'm up to.

How about you?