Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Rejected from ONN

Man, seeing the Onion News Network everywhere is annoying cause I almost got a job writing for that. Anyways I had 2 days to write a 2 page script for a news parody show titled "America's Scariest Shit". Here's what I wrote. Very different from their final product:

Female Newscaster: In local news, Warry the warbear, fuzzy king of biological warfare, took consumers by surprise when it spontaneously omitted mustard gas from it's plastic eyeballs and intermittently urinated live poisonous jelly fish; killing a handsome group of spritely little boys on Sunday.

Warbear Company Rep: "You see, we were hoping to capture the warlike essence that we know a teddybear has the potential to produce; however, we did not think that our efforts to produce a warlike bear could have had any real world consequences. We were all taken completely by surprise upon discovering that in fact, things happen when you set up a situation in which such things happening becomes favorable. When we created a bear that could omit poisonous gasses and urinate a species of sea-life, we were so overtaken by the joy of our creation, we simply could not fathom the pain, suffering, and death of children that Warry brought about. And to the families of the dead babies and little children, what can I say, shit happens. I’m sorry, I mean, life is hard and then you die."

Female Newscaster: Truer words never spoken.
(turns to new camera angle dramatically.)
Did I ever tell you about the time that my bastard exboyfriend forced me to eat a live baby chicken while a clown pointed to me and laughed? That was hard. Very. Fitting a whole animal, even of small size, into your mouth is quite a challenge, especially with a feathery exterior and mobile body. But I did it, because that’s how life is. It presents challenges to you that are hard and then you have to do things that you don’t want to.
That’s my little editorial P.O.V. of the day. What’s yours? What? I can’t hear you … ha hahahah (laughing to herself awkwardly, then returning to straight face).


FN: On Monday, scientists discovered that there is no more love left in the human heart. We have here with us today a scientist who makes such a claim. Scientist, how can you substantiate the idea that there is no more love left in the human heart?

Scientist: Well you see that’s really quite clear, and by the way I find it rather … amusing that you say this is an idea. This is no idea my tender lady of supple skin and mixed emotions- no not an idea at all. It is a fact.
FN: A fact?

Scientist: A cold, hard, bare-legged fact.

FN: Hmm. Makes you think.

Scientist: Yes indeed it makes you think, and not about unicorns or ice cream cones with cherries on top. NO indeed not.

FN: (shakes head) No.

Scientist: It fills one with TERROR and ASTONISHMENT!

FN: (visibly shaken) Ohhh, yes, … um what?

Scientist: What, what?

FN: What fills me with this terror and astonishment?

Scientist: The cold hard bare-breasted fact that there is no more love left in the human heart!

FN: Oh, yes yes.

Scientist: You see, it has simply run out. And you know what this means, don’t you?

FN: I will no longer be barren and infertile?

Scientist: (ominously) NO.

FN: (excitedly) I won’t! I will have my own baby of my own genetic materials!

Scientist: NO! I meant no it does not mean that! (green spooky light on his face) It means that there will be no more valentines day or babies suckling upon their mother’s breast fondly and tenderly! It means no more suns setting upon the beach as lovers embrace. It means no more hugs and no more smiles upon puppies faces. It means so more charity and no more prayer. And furthermore if I were you, I wouldn’t be getting so excited at the idea of being able to reproduce. Your child won’t love you.

FN: (silent pause of shock) I … my …. News …. Up next on America’s Scariest Shit, Spencer goes out on assignment with a woman who’s apartment is mysteriously frigid.

Spencer: Yes, that’s right, Here I am a 546 Park Avenue with a woman who’s apartment is just WAY TOO COLD. So cold, that it’s scary.

Woman: It's very cold in my apartment. I was trying to make out with this guy I picked up at this bar out in Hoboken

S: And what happened

W: and I felt very uncomfortable with the temperature of the room.

S: And what normally happens when you are in your room

W: well I certainly don't feel this uncomfortable

S: (moves close to her, touching her)
like this? is this uncomfortable?

W: No. (They hug and cry and then return to normal positions)

S: Have you tried turning the heat up?

W: (blank stare, eyes blinking) What are you talking about?

S: Temperature, it can be adjusted.

W: (realizes she hasn’t, tries to change the subject) Enough about me, let’s talk more about you.

S: (very seriously) What would you like to know?

W: What is your favorite tv show? Is it Friends?

S: Yeah.

W: How come?

S: I liked how it highlighted the lives, loves, and laughs of six young friends living in Manhattan.

W: I never thought about it.

S: Good god, I’m really starting to feel chilly.

W: (starts sobbing) I know, I know …

S: I’m Spencer aka the SpenceMachine live in Hoboken from a freakishly cold apartment. And I don’t know about you, but I’m getting the hell out of here.

FN: Thank you Spencer.

Newscaster sneaks up behind her while she is newscasting and yells “boo”

God! You scared the shit out of me you cum-guzzling fartknocker! GOSH DARN THIS FLIPPED UP POOP SHOW! (walks out)

Male voice over: (hurried) …. Um, that’s the end of the show. (Show quickly cuts off)

Oh well- 'spose this isn't their cup of tea ... Perhaps it's not yours either- hooray!

This tea cup's got a puppy in it- curious indeed!

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