Monday, April 30, 2007

Steve Jobs: Sexy Dreamboat Man-Crush!

So I didn't drink or smoke AT ALL this weekend. My throat was kinda sore and I want to muscle up for the months ahead and get rid of this latent cold. But it's ok cause I stayed in with my new sexy boyfriend, Steve Jobs. Back in the 90s I saw Pirates of Silicon Valley and loved it. It's a TV movie so I never caught it again- but this weekend it was on TNT Movies On Demand, hooray!

Anyhow, it always struck me that they chose to cast Noah Wyle as Steve Jobs so I wondered if young Steve Jobs was that hot- and my findings show that he was! Steve Jobs is such a dreamboat! I saw these amazing youtube videos too- and you can see how he's this smug, asshole genius that marches to the beat of his own drum - so hot! He's just insanely sexy, I mean yeah I know it's my personal taste here- I think computers and tech dork stuff is totally hot, and I'm fascinated by computer history and old formats so the dialog adds to the sexy appeal but man, I have a new crush!

STEVE JOBS OF THE 70s and 80s I wanna touch your thingy!

Oh, and the movie is really really good. If you have Time Warner, theres all these free on demand channels above 1000. Catch it if you still can.

Enjoy these old youtube vids for their historical significance and for Steve's cuteness and unique "way about him" (he was apparently kind of a dick and said some crazy shit to say the least). I also adore his anti-establishment "think different" conquest.

Here's Jobs speech introducing the famous 1984 commercial:

And here he's especially hot, as he demos the Macintosh in 1984:

Here's a video where Noah Wyle and Jobs share the stage

Now it's picture time!

Related interesting Wikipedias:
- Steve Jobs
- Lisa
- Bill Gates
- Xerox

Saturday, April 28, 2007

I gotz a virus!

My meatpanties video went viral on myspace, wheee!

MEATS - Episode #2

Add to My Profile | More Videos

They featured it on their front page and all the commenters are saying we are fags! YAY!

Friday, April 27, 2007

Hopes and Dreams

When I walked into work for my first day at this new job, I experienced a tremendous feeling of accomplishment. This building with its marble floors, grand piano, multi-elevatored concourse and necessity for id cards was actually inviting me in. I just never imagined I'd be welcomed by something so polished, corporate, established. The feeling quickly faded as I learned there's a certain blandness associated with the corporate environment. It's just the nature of a large machine to have such qualities.

And so I wonder of all the highs I've experienced in life, all of which have faded eventually, I wonder what exactly is that thing that's going to satisfy me.

I'm pretty sure that satisfaction comes from something genuine - a potential realized, the execution of a goal. But moreso, a goal that is a desire. I desire, more than all other things, to be appreciated for my ability to create good ideas that make people laugh. I really really want that.- on the small scale in little everyday ways. But of course my hunger is for something more pervasive and expansive. Big success. The common desire to write for a tv show, something like that. So I guess I want my creative outputs to be really really appreciated. So much so that I'd have freedom. Freedom to be a valued creative asset. One that is paid for her ideas, and whose bacon is brought home by her creations. I really do hope that if I get there, it would be the type of satisfaction that lasts through my years. If I'm incapable of this, then certainly the human experience is peculiarly torturous. One carrot dangling for the entirety of a life.

It's important to always be hungry, but ideally hunger co-exists with substantive vitality.
OMFG lunch
I just ate so much soup in my body
Yo these prepacked carrots is dope

I think the guys I've dated are pretty dope. If I didn't respect their privacy, and if I was more ok with people knowin where I put my bidness, I'd love to make a blog with all their pretty faces and title it "I putted it in their mouths".

Thursday, April 26, 2007


Ok - so here's the thing: at this point in time, you really can't know me, understand me, or be a part of my world without really getting into lolcats, or lollercats as I like to say it. These lollercats are so pervasive, so lovable, and so silly, that my brain has started to think lollercat style. It's really quite addictive. Like right now, I'm thinking, "I'm up in mi blog, typin my htmls". If you don't understand this, it's time I gave you a lesson.

- "Kitteh 101" - the guide to the lolcat language
- Gordon's LolCat Builder
- Wikipedia's history and information on lolcats

And of course, the dominion of all lolcat wonderment,

Please reference the Cheezburger thread so you can understand the origin of the site name.

This lolcat was made for me as a gift, the nicest gift ever, from Rachel Ray.

Anyhow, now you can be capable of having a drink with me, because this is basically what I get into, and I'm REALLY REALLY into this. This and talkin about scissors, marshmellow stuffed mushrooms, and stuff relating to fists and d*ckholes.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007


MEATS - Underpants

Hope you enjoy the new Street Meat video. Iz very helpful 4 u to make comments and favorite it and rank it. That's just a nice thing to do. OK THX!!!!

PS- Here's the credits:
created by Heather Fink and Adam Newman
written/directed by Heather Fink
voices by Oren Brimer, Heather Fink, Nathan Kloke and Adam Newman
shot by Nathan Kloke
edited by Oren Brimer
pa/gay - Stephen Fagen
featuring Trevor Williams' dirty panties


Ahhhhh. This is how I feel when I look at my lolcats.

I am in a greeeattttttt mood today! Summer is so nice! The show was so fun last night! Can't wait to get our last Street Meat video uploaded to the internet. Adam should have done it this morning but he is an incompetent fart bukkit so u gotta wait till evening time.

The audience was fantastic- it always feels good to have a happy, enthusiastic, real people (not all comedians) crowd and that's what we had. BUT they didn't drink a lot so the bar owner talked to us after the show. He said he really enjoyed the show but the sales were low so we had to talk about what we can do to up alcohol sales cause he wants to keep it. So he suggested we make the show free so it encourages people to spend money on drinks. Anyhoo he seemed to feel bad for coming down on us so he kept buying me and Adam and anyone who stayed TONS of shots! It was hilarious. I could only last till about 8 of them. Adam doesn't remember how he got home last night. Amazing!

ALL the performers on last night's show made me laugh and marvel at their awesomeness. Luke Cunningham was a wall street douchebag who had pushup competitions in the street. Lots of great physical comedy. Marcus Monroe wowed the crap out of everyone with his juggling and other such feats, and was funny about it too. Carolyn Castiglia crazied it up fantastically with all makeups all over and she mooshed some on my face too as a nuts Avon lady. Hayes Hargrove was a post-acid musician dude whose invisible band included Edward James Olmos!, and Rob Lathan made stilt dancing hilarious most especially by doing the Worm on stilts! He was also too tall and the ceiling too low that his head touched the top n that was funny too.


I cannot get enough of those.

Also- I PROTEST COMEDIAN ERIC ANDRE. I used to think he was a swell fellow, but he showed the most disgusting video ever at Olde English's new UCB show on Saturday night (WHICH I Totally recommend- their opening bit was both really well presented and executed, but a totally original take on recent events, impressive!). Anyhow. I PROTEST MR ANDRE. He showed a video at their show which was the most disgusting thing I ever saw, and I once worked in gay porn - there was butt fisting! This was worse. It was some nasty metal video where a fat man who foamed and the mouth attacked these people in the forest- the people in the forest were father and daughter making out - then this guy stabs the girl in the face, pulls out her guts, cuts off her boob, and then takes the blood and mastermates on her, and the video shows his thingy with all the blood on it. SO GROSS. Unite against him! First step of this movement is to poke him in the arm real hard when you see him. DO IT.

Furthermore, I really enjoyed doing The Future Mrs Goldman's show on Sunday, even though I felt super sick. Not feeling sick anymore though. Shots last night were nature's best medicine.

Monday, April 23, 2007

I most certainly do not have my wits about me,

or as some might say, I'm a nitwit! But not always, just today I'm more nitwitty/less witted than usual cuz I R NOT FEELIN GOOD.

not feelin well

My throat is hurty and my head is all like, woah, and in a daze plus I'm out of it!
But it's not making me sad. Cuz I R LIKIN THE SUN n I R LIKIN THE STREET MEAT TONIGHT

My game plan for today is as follows:
save it for tonight.

No crazy dancing.
I gotta calm the F down and chill it up.

Then the show starts and I'm like BLAM

That's the plan.

It will work.

Won't you join me?

It's at Cake Shop, 152 Ludlow St
See videos!

Friday, April 20, 2007

Prettyiest 420 ever

Sun is shining.
Bunnies celebratin.

Last night's show went well. It was a very different crowd than Rififi - Grandma's Candy Box's notoriously drunk and lively crowd- which I love. I opened the show with my new set, which is markedly off-beat/weird, and it worked. I felt good about it so I'm hoping to keep doing this on as many shows as I can. I don't think it will work in every kind of room though, so we'll see.

- I luv Alec Baldwin so much but this makes me sad. I dunno, sometimes people say ugly things when it comes to family, maybe we shouldn't judge? Maybe he apologized? I hate how celebs are constantly monitored off the air. It's really awful though. And crazy.

- Toilet smashing video, in case you missed it.

- Ash's 1996 Album, titled "1977", was ahead of its time and had a really fresh indie sound. They have a big single in the UK right now. Hope they come here soon.

- Sexdoll for dogs. Good gift for mother's day?

- Check out these music vids

- Trailer for my 3rd most favorite movie ever, The Princess and the Warrior. Too many of my friends haven't seen it yet. Booo. Especially when Benno Furmann is that friggin sexy.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Show Tonight

Tonight you can see me at Grandma's Candy Box:
At Bar None: 98 3rd Ave (Between 12th & 13th sts)

And on Sunday the 22nd at:
161 W. 22nd Street between 6th and 7th - The Spark Center (inside the
Corrado Cafe)
The Future Mrs. Goldman Presents: The Sunday Funday Variety Revue
Heather Fink- Standup
The Future Mrs. Goldman - Long form improv
8pm start time.

- A funny fake craigslist
- and a fake skymall catalogue thank ya Jake!
- A really weird racist anti-Korean response to the VTech thing.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

This blog is getting so sandpapery lately

or like, if you had a mouthful of sand, really finely granulated, all powdery in your mouth, it's all like, pleck, Fssspppt, spit the blogpowder out of your mouth, so dry, git it out, BLAND NO FLAVOR IN THIS POWDER VERY BAD.

Cuz it's really losing some of that "oomph" it had earlier. You know, before.

And I'm sorry. I know it.

It's the corporate world. It's desensitizing my brain.

Sorry for the complaining. Am so grateful for nice job at fancy place, yes!
But cubicles and flowcharts are like fuzzy socks on my brain, providing too much ordinary comfort and numb thoughts.

Will try to get groove back. Feel free to punish me by sending me pictures of unattractive cats or even worse, your original poetry. Thanks.

(ps, NSFW, unless you wear headphones)
The crazy f'ed up plays of the Virginia Tech Shooter
Scroll to the bottom.

I'm going to hate anyone who tries to perform these (at least a little). Because I'd really like to make that joke, but unlike Don, I know where to draw the line. Sometimes. Ok, I mean not always but I try. I've never punched. When it wasn't like, joking. Uh. Click that link.


Year Zero Out today!

Hooray! Our 90s rockstar and my musical hero has released another CD-
Check out this article in NY Times about it. (Thanks Tien!)
(click on the site once you are there)

You can listen to the whole album here. My favorite so far is "In This Twilight".

Grrrr- look at Mr Reznor bein' all serious!

Monday, April 16, 2007

Please click this. It's shocking. If you have your volume turned on.

Have lots of excitement going down for Street Meat, NEXT Monday, the 23rd. We got more video clips on the way, but here is a little bit that me and Adam performed at the last show. In our last video, you may remember that the meats made love.

Well we wrote an onstage follow up bit. The intention was for me to get steaksauced on the face. I sure got a lot more than I bargained for though cuz Adam spurted it out all over the place- you can't really see in the video but it's all in my eyes (BURNING THEM) and my hair and clothes n stuff. Seeeeee:

Anyhow, here's the script for that Bit:
Video shows- I stand on stage and say

Heather- I hope you enjoyed our video.
Carlen/Postman (from off stage)- Hey Heather, it's the postman!
You've got a letter!
H- That's great! I love letters!
C- Here ya go, that one guy- boy is he a card. And you know me- I love cards!
H- I don't get it.
C- Oh little joke we tell at the postoffice .... you know- we deliver lots of cards.
H- Oh. Well thank you postman, I hope you're doing well!
C- Yeah I'm very well. Not disgruntled. Prozac!
H- Oh. That's nice. Bye bye postman!
C- Bye? (angry) No way, let's open up that letter! (smiles)
H- Well all right then!
(open it up and read)

Dear Street Meat,
My name is Timmy and I am a 17 year old Ribeye Flank Steak from
Cleveland Ohio. I just saw your video and it made me so happy. I am truly
moved by the greater acceptance of meats that Street Meat
promotes. With help from quality pragramming such as your show, I believe that someday talking meats
will be treated with the respect and dignity they deserve.
PS, I looked you up on the internet and visited your wonderful website, YOOO GUYSS ARE FUCKING HILARIOUS!

C- Wow. That was intense

H- Yeah, totally. I've gotta respond.
(get out marker and write on the letter)
Dear Timmy,

You should totally come visit our show! We've never had
a live meat before! Please come.

PS- How many Pollocks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2! 1 to screw in the light bulb and the other to fist rape your mom's
dickhole. JK LOL! ***Hope to hear from you soon. ***

Street Meat

Here you go Postman- send it away!
C- Will do, but before I do, I heard that (Jake's character) is
going to be on next! Let's give a warm welcome for (Jake's character).
H- Yes, let's! (C/H- AHHHHH)

H- Thank you (Jake's character)
Adam/Timmy (from off stage) - Hey, hey guys (walks on stage)
H- Yes?
A- It's me! Timmy - from the letter!
H- Oh My God it's really you- and you look great! Thank you so much for coming!
A- Glad to be here! You wouldn't believe how difficult it was to get here - Us meats don't venture into the city too often. I wasn't expecting to have to sit at the back of the bus - this one kid kept trying to slow roast me with his cigarette lighter. It hurt me!
H- I'm so sorry to hear that- but I'm so glad to have you here. Well, now that you're here, is there anything you'd like to say to our audience?
A- Yes, and I think I speak for all meats when I say THANK YOU - we are so grateful for your videos. What hits so close to home is that you portray meats as we really are. We have feelings, and needs, and we like to have sex in lots and lots of positions and coming tangy sauces all over vegetables' faces. (pause) That's something that we do.
H - We do realize that - we actually did a lot of research before writing the script.
A - You know what's funny to think about - before you eat us, you cover our dead bodies in a sauce made out of own tangy meat semen.
H- (teary eyed possibly) Really ?(maybe they hug or
something sentimental).
A- Really. Do you wanna see me make the steaksauce? I'm good at it.
H- I think we'd all like to see that. right audience, right?
A- Makes the streaksauce.
H- Do you think maybe you need some privacy?
A- Can I borrow your face for a second?
H- Sure. (jizz noises)
H- Mm tastes JUST LIKE A1- (pause) Do you wanna introduce the next guest?

Now- would you like to introduce the next


Hope you thought that was muy interesante. My weekend was good. Blazin it up cowboys!

- Feigned Diversity!
- Danny Mothers!
- Entirely not funny and sad- the flooding and fires in Hoboken yesterday.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Little Glass Peices of Crap

Just posted some thoughts below. But I never like those to be at the top of the page because I like you too much to greet you in such a somber way. I know that you, internet reader, love to read about stupid shit. Like, hmmm, paper weights. HA HA PAPER WEIGHTS U R SO LAME I LIKE NEVER USE YOU, MY SHIZZ AIN'T WINDY NOT AT ALL, SON!




Wisdom is the plaque built up from the decay of time.
Age and time linearly passing
You cannot built or create without destruction or manipulating elements that have been shaped

To create is to destroy
A thing in pure form is used as an element of any creation
An idea
A recipe
A construction

In order to create you must destroy the original nature of an element
When it combines to create the new thing it is no longer itself
And the same is true for the human being.

To create a life, life's journey, an experience,
the human being must age, decay, get his hands dirty from all the living he is doing

So as we build upon our abilities
and learn better who we are
what we want
and how we can do these things
we simultaneously decay
in our aging bodies
with our mistakes quietly hovering sometimes screaming through our entrails
we are constantly digesting
and expelling at the same time

We are subject to cycles of decay and creation as mortal, ethereal things
But not time
There is no beginning of time
No end of time
Only the middle
And so it is linear and it is free.
We are slaves to our own cycles.

Holy Shit, Intelligence Finally Surfaces!

Commentary: Imus might be spark for debate on sexism
And it's from CNN. DAMN Y'ALL.


- An engaging email conversation between my hero Judd Apatow and that guy who created that 70s show.
- America's favorite mail order bride talks. Bonus- it's an unedited clip.
- LVHRD MGZN 2. I interview a dude about buildings or something. It's a Zip that opens a fancy PDF.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

This guy has got a bucket on his head. wow!

Imus: I've Apologized Enough. I agree. News Pop Culture behaves like asses. I totally F'ing hate when people make too big of a deal out of things. You can't throw years of angst towards mysogeny and racism on one idiot. I don't think Imus should have his show because his comments are evidence that he's not the most engaging personality, and doesn't have the most interesting or original things to say- I wish that we could strike tons of tv personalities off the air and replace them with more intelligent and charismatic people who don't say stupid stuff like calling female athetic champions hos. But I don't think that all the official action, statements and apologies should go on like this. I think some of it was necessary- absolutely give this man shit for what he said. But it's gone too far and it's disgusting. It is culturally relevant however, to remind us that sexism and racism casually infiltrate people's mentalities on a wide spread basis. So the dialogue continues. But Queen Latifah said it best years ago, where's she at now? U N I T Y You gotta let em know you aint a bitch or a ho.

Anyhow, from watching CNN in 2007, I have learned the following things: Anna Nicole Smith is dead, Britney Spears shaved her balls, and Imus called the Rutgers Female BBall Champs Nappy-Headed Hos. That's basically it. LEARNING.

Last night we finished shooting for Episode 2 of Meats. Nathan Kloke has been super great to work with on this. We said we needed to light stuff on fire for this one, and so he went and researched how to light stuff on fire for the camera in the best way possible without burning stuff you don't want to be burned. Needless to say he got the perfect shot. Also of note, one of the shots required and Adam and I drink a glass of red wine while looking adoringly at each other. Doing this made me laugh so hard, that I laughed into the wine glass and the wine spurted out everywhere- all over Adam's shirt, on Nathan's chair, and in my eyes and it felt like burning. Burning! I like that. EYEZ BURNIN N FIRE BURNIN WEDNESDAY. That's what it was.

Earlier yesterday I saw Mo Rocca filming something for People in front of my building at work. He had grey hair and a pleasant smile. Something about him made me want to poke him but I held back and ate my frozen yogurt peacefully and without consequence instead.

Hay! Here's a really funny video from the Showalter show with Paul Rudd spoofing that Huckabees thang.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Announcing Analog Dreamz: New show at Mo Pitkins

New show at Mo's accepting submissions now!
Analog Dreamz hosted by Heather Fink
(website coming soon)
I am now seeking videos that meet the following specs:
- Must be created on VHS tape
- Must be created before the year 2000
- Must be created when the creator was younger than 18.

So we show people's best and funniest old school project videos, home
movies, etc, and we have the people who made them talk about them now
(and/or reenact them if appropriate).
It does not necessarily have to come from comedians.

I'll be accepting submissions and pre selecting the video.
Please email me (at the following info:
- Your name
- Are you a comedian? Yes or No.
- Description of video
- Length of video or your clip
- Possibility of getting the people in the video to present their clip
- Availability: June 19th at 9pm, July 24 at 9pm

Then we will arrange for me to see your tape. Since these are special
memories from your youth, I will not keep them and you definitely get
them returned to you.

Ok thank you I heart you bye,

PS- My upcoming shows:

Sunday April 15
161 W. 22nd Street between 6th and 7th - The Spark Center (inside the
Corrado Cafe)
The Future Mrs. Goldman Presents: The Sunday Funday Variety Revue
Heather Fink- Standup
The Future Mrs. Goldman - Long form improv
8pm start time.
All 100 percent new jokes.

And I'm gonne do Timmy and John's show in Queens next Weds-
more info:
@The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, Queens (Just North of Greenpoint, just east of Grand Central)

Thurs April 19
Grandma's Candy Box
Thurs, 9pm? not sure of time
Bar None: 98 3rd Ave

Plus the next Street Meat is
Monday April 23rd!!!
8pm @ Cake Shop 152 Ludlow

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Nappy Headed Hos R My Friendz

Imus comments pissed me off more because these hos are some ordinary non-celebrity folks that accomplished something special- something that's not funny or absurd or weird so there's not any substance to it that would warrant any jokes being made. Some people are all like - oh big deal, he didn't mean the racist comment, but don't forget, it's not just racist, it's very sexist too (calling female athletic champions hos?). My rule is- if you are going to make offensive jokes about race, rape, or stuff like that, it better be damn well be funny, interesting and not cheap. But I do like hearing newscasters say nappy headed hoes cause it sounds funny coming from them.

See me makin standup comedy at this funtime show on Sunday please ok:

This Sunday April 15
161 W. 22nd Street between 6th and 7th - The Spark Center (inside the Corrado Cafe)
The Future Mrs. Goldman Presents: The Sunday Funday Variety Revue
Heather Fink- Standup
Improv Group TBA
The Future Mrs. Goldman - Long form improv
8pm start time.

All 100 percent new jokes.

Hay! I am gonna post retired jokes on this website when I feel like it, ok? Say it's ok. I want consent. I'm not a forcer.

Sunday, April 08, 2007


I reconnected with an old friend from on MYSPACE of course. She was near and dear and my closest friend some time around 6th grade until she moved. Like a lot of my childhood best friends, she was Beavis to my Butthead, Lembeck to my Charles in Charge. Anyhow, I had a lot of fun working on the next Street Meat video today, and after I uploaded this picture:

I thought, my god, THIS is what I am doing at nearly 26 years old.

26. The number has been haunting me ever since I thought about how that's my next birthday (in June, if you want to find me a good gift, I'm into cured hams). Something about it seems old, and when I realized it, the first thought in my mind was- holy crap you so have not accomplished enough by now.

I'd really like to have made more of myself in comedy, but I guess I do feel I've made a big step in "finding myself" with some of my jokes, and I'm extremely hating that I have done a lot in comedy and performing, but have little web video to show for it- which seems like everything these days.

I have to remind myself of the adventures and cool shit that has happened along the way. And I guess remind myself how freaking cool Jim Henson is and he was playing with muppets and weird things all his life.

So spending Easter Sunday making raw meat wear underpants and filming is not just ok, it's a good thing?


It is.

And on Saturday night I got really wasted and danced on a bar. And a table outside the bar. And ate pork n got it all over my face ON PURPOSE. And it was good.

Bringing it back to the friend- I was flattered and shocked when she complimented how well I turned out- I was like, really? In your eyes this is good? Well ... ok. Maybe I'm an ass for not being satisfied and happy with all the things I have to be fortunate for. Come on Heather- you got New York! You're doin fun stuff- cool stuff! You're lucky! Yeah .... ok, I can appreciate those things. I do. But damn, I don't think anything's ever going to be "enough". I'm really really hungry for so much more. And I know there's a lot of you out there on the very same page. Hi!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Help me

I think I am suffering from computer poisoning.

I've begun vomiting pixels and reformatting codecs.

My arm skin has spontaneously split open and high quality digital imagery is pouring out.

Hopefully someone will stich me back together with their premium fiber optics. Pray for me with your wireless god connections.


Monday, April 02, 2007

Amazing discovery

I allowed myself to watch a moment of sports today and I made an amazing discovery upon doing so. Did you know that there is such a thing as Carl Pavano? This man plays baseball for the Yankees.

He's so hot and yet there's not many pictures of him on the internet. Hopefully they will be available when the game is over. I will keep you posted.

Mah baby, he likes to make dem funny faces.

Jeter is mad cuz he's no Pavano- NOT EVEN CLOSE you poopoo head! Ur rude assgestures don't bother me NONE J-dawg!

Is the world still happening again today?

Oh right, yes. Carry on then.

Provocative Pictures of Harry Potter, if that's what you're into.

O Face and Guitar face comparisons, if that's what you're into.

This is the tattoo that I want to get. (But I'll never get it because I cannot decide where I would put it) It's a Phoenix. It's a very narcissistic and self-congratulatory thing, really. I'd like to believe that I'm a glorious thing that comes from dirt and ashes, maybe because I'd like to justify being so filthy.

Happy Passover.