Friday, April 27, 2007

Hopes and Dreams

When I walked into work for my first day at this new job, I experienced a tremendous feeling of accomplishment. This building with its marble floors, grand piano, multi-elevatored concourse and necessity for id cards was actually inviting me in. I just never imagined I'd be welcomed by something so polished, corporate, established. The feeling quickly faded as I learned there's a certain blandness associated with the corporate environment. It's just the nature of a large machine to have such qualities.

And so I wonder of all the highs I've experienced in life, all of which have faded eventually, I wonder what exactly is that thing that's going to satisfy me.

I'm pretty sure that satisfaction comes from something genuine - a potential realized, the execution of a goal. But moreso, a goal that is a desire. I desire, more than all other things, to be appreciated for my ability to create good ideas that make people laugh. I really really want that.- on the small scale in little everyday ways. But of course my hunger is for something more pervasive and expansive. Big success. The common desire to write for a tv show, something like that. So I guess I want my creative outputs to be really really appreciated. So much so that I'd have freedom. Freedom to be a valued creative asset. One that is paid for her ideas, and whose bacon is brought home by her creations. I really do hope that if I get there, it would be the type of satisfaction that lasts through my years. If I'm incapable of this, then certainly the human experience is peculiarly torturous. One carrot dangling for the entirety of a life.

It's important to always be hungry, but ideally hunger co-exists with substantive vitality.

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