Thursday, May 31, 2007

U R Fat. But I R envious. Will be stealin UR fats when you sleep n takin em to my private bunker.

Hey LOL Kitty, you think like Paris Hilton!

Hmmm.... so in short Miami Miami blah blah blah .... predictably lovely and all that beach sand hot sun what a priveledged life we lead sort of stuff, got tan, got burnt, got blazed, cocktails. Most especially liked spending time loafing around The Standard. Had a very difficult time letting go of my NYC obligations. I am a person who has a day job in the new media industry, which excites me because I am really into techy stuff.

But how can I balance all of these projects? The memoir on working in gay pornos, Terminator 4 the Musical? Those are the most daunting of them all. Most timely are Street Meat and Analog Dreamz shows that are coming up. Plus A LOT of video work. And Adam and I are doing this big 2 person show in Athens Georgia this fall, which is really a prep for a 2 person show we are developing for tour ... and we've got 4 different video series we've written and are ready to shoot. Uh .. there's other stuff too but I just realized this sounds like complaining AND it's boring to write so we'll stop that right here and now.


Just a reminder of a time long forgot: "Who has put pubic hair on my Coke?"

Portishead, incredible Trip-Hop innovators, is performing again, this December in the UK.

I remember CNN Talkback Live, check out this awesome clip I found from Mr. Rob Lathan pranking the show.

Also, I'm having an open to the public birthday celebration after the next Street Meat at Cake Shop on Monday June 11. Show is at 8, party is at 10.


Ok, onto more thoughts. I have been reading the comic book DMZ about a future shortly after 9/11 where these Free Armies, made of radical conservatives who are fed up with the government, start an American Civil War. They are divided along Manhattan, with America on the East/New England side/Long Island and BKLYN, and NJ/rest of the country is part of the Free Army. Manhattan is no man's land, supposedly belonging to the terrorists. It's pretty damn cool, read more here.

And I saw Children of Men over the break. It got me thinking about Fear and the fact that so many of us envision a horribly bleak future. The conservatives live in fear of god, terrorists, non-conformity, and foreign cultures corrupting or terrorizing America. But we liberals also live in fear. Liberals are motivated by their fear of fascism, a too-strong state, and the destruction of the environment and erosion of civil liberties (same as fear of fascism).

I'm not sure that the future will be so bleak and terrible. I do believe that human culture has evolved in a positive direction over time. We have nuclear warheads that could explode the earth but we do not set them off. I believe collectively that we live in a world of balance. The future will absolutely not be all bad. I think it will continue as it is as a balance of good and evil as it has been since the beginning of time. Also, I'm not cool with the fact that our society is directed by fear. Fear is a manipulative tool that causes people to have irrational and unreasonable responses to the world they inhabit. Not cool.

That said, I am happy that I left the world of politics. (It really seems nobody wants to stick with being a lawyer anymore.) Times have changed and government is no place for someone that wants to change the world. Campaigns are completely unrelated to the reality of a government's behavior. They are nothing but a war of ideas and manipulation of truth. Art mirrors life and life mirrors art. It is through creative endeavors that our culture has hope to evolve into something better.

And that said, vote for Hillary. She's competent, respectable, intelligent, and most of all a WOMAN. I just want to see a woman in the white house. I don't believe any of the candidates are all that great really. So, hey, why not vote for the Hillmiester! Your guy sucks anyways.

Ok, I'll go now. While I was in Miami I reflected on some other things. I'll share them later.

PS (thanks newman)

Thursday, May 24, 2007


shark virgin birth

and if you've read up to volume 9 of Y the Last Man it is all the more ominous ...


WTF Sharks? I eat you in soup. Cut it out.

Oh and PS, little shark virgin birth baby, i IZ buildin you a church, with built in tank and all sorts of statues of fat babies with wings. Hope ur pleased.

bienvenidos my baby

I've been busting my nut for a little while now. I just took my new G4 Powerbook home and it's all that I've wanted and more. I can't even look at it. I'm just so humbled by it's sleek, functional, Intel Core raw double-layer SuperDrive Radeon Hyperpowered computeredness. I'll install Final Cut after I get back from MIAMI. Cause that's where I'll be for the the next 5 days.

But before I go, why don't you enjoy:
- A preview of some new TV shows
- A list! Of TV catch phrases!
- Downloadable mashups!
- Your VERY OWN hospital bed!
- Two top lolcats of the week:

- The comic book series I am currently reading/recommending:
Jack of Fables
The Exterminators
Ex Machina
Y the Last Man

And sorry to those who didn't like the judging in last night's LVHRD event. SORRY I WON'T CATER TO YOUR POPULARITY CONTEST PEOPLE, that lady was fully committed to her character and stepped it up a notch, even if you thought she was annoying. Sure, I adored some of the other contestants- but this is supposed to be fun times, not 4 serious! I am sure the non-winning contestants enjoyed themselves just swimmingly. I do wish however that we got mikes throughout the show. There was some rather interesting banter occurring throughout. Unfortunately I am finding it unsafe to drink so much and own a cellphone at the same time. There was free Dewars, people. And whenever I walk home I always think "ooh this is a great time to call someone I hardly talk to out of the blue." Huh? What I talking about? No more of that.

Tip of the moment: Slappy pancake hands aren't funny anymore because they are too obvious. Crab sandwhiches and Hamz too. OBVIOUS! Not obvious: Egg flavoring, Endives, Yukon gold potatoes.

Ok, time to finish packing. I got a half a condom, some orange rinds, a handsome lot of rotten salsa, a melted fork, and a hormel salami wrapper in this bag. Sure, it's not my luggage bag, it's my trash bag. But then again that's just the type of loose cannon I am, constantly challenging myself with inefficiencies. You try it! Be like me! Talk about nothing! Just like they did on that Seinfeld with the 3 guys and that lady - hoo boy they were in a sitcom were they ever.

mmf, now it's time to make the metal syntax donuts (made of raw fibers)
(ps that last thing I said about the donuts really shouldn't have been typed or shared because they are words that lack all and any meaning, and are nothing but a vacant shell of empty this degraded tool, the written word) OMG STOP IT HEATHER ITS TIME FOR BED.

Apologies, as ever, for the indigestion.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007


No not that kinda Judge.

More like a panel Judging Judge.

At tonight's LVHRD MCFGHT II


Doug Jaeger took some really cool pics of me, here's one of them:

He took even more than that but these are a couple he sent me already.

And for good measure, Ms. Kristin Sloan of, female counterpart of Mr Jaeger, asked me once to write an essay for this thing about "Your First Performance" for her site. I don't think it got selected, and looking back at it it's kinda sloppy writing so I don't blame her ... but nonetheless, here's my story:

Making jokes is something I've been into since my earliest memories. Everyday in pre-school I used to stand behind a tree on the playground with my friends Nicole and Laura while we took turns saying any fun bad words we knew. It was during that time in pre-school I was also selected for a special early reading group. I remember the pride I felt sitting there as a fancy reader. I remember seeing the open book before me. I remember drawing on the people in the book and making them say funny things. I remember being kicked out immediately.

This was only the beginning of a pattern I would see for the rest of my youth.

By the time I reached third grade, I decided it was time to take it to the next level. That year, I had a different character I would be for each day of the week. One day I was a fisher price kid, a reference to popular commercials at that time. Another day I was a California Raisin, which involved wearing a blue sweatshirt, pulling the hood tightly around my face and shouting "I'm a California Raisin! I heard it through the grapevine! Ahhhhh!" Fortunately my teacher Mrs. Derenthal, who looked kind of like Mary Poppins, embraced these behaviors. When I asked her a special favor she said yes.

Only bits and pieces stay with me about that day but I do remember the way the carpet squares looked against the bright green grass. It was summer. The sun was in my eyes. I asked everyone to gather on their carpet squares during recess because I was going to perform a standup comedy show for them. And that was the first time I ever did standup. I remember it happening again. I also remember doing many imitations and voices, something that is not included in the standup performances of my adult years.

Unfortunately my later years had far less Mrs. Derenthals and far more detentions. In fifth grade I was fortunate enough to be placed in the "gifted and talented" program, an environment not terribly conducive to naughtiness or tom foolery. On one very special day my fifth grade teacher instructed me to sit in the center of the room while the rest of the class sat in a circle around me. The topic of discussion was "Why is Heather so bad and what are we going to do about it?" Exhibit A was Playtroll magazine. This fine periodical was published via my dad's home office copy machine with some willing troll dolls. I would draw sexy underpants on them and include substantive articles highlighting the Playtroll lifestyle. My teacher was not interested in becoming a lucky subscriber and instead she shut down operations on what was the first and only publication dedicated to sophisticated and edgy troll of the early 90s.

I will always be thankful to the few authority figures who saw my jokes as creative rather than disobedient and shameful. My parents were strangely and wonderfully supportive, suffering through the phone calls and disciplinary meetings. The constant reprimands juxtaposed with my male classmates' "boys will be boys" slaps on the wrist did not deter me. The class clown is forever in my heart (no matter how much penis envy it has to get through to pump through my veins).


Last Night I was in the studio audience for the pilot of "Michael Ian Black Doesn't Understand". I think this will be very successful. It was funny because his jokes referenced all of these mainstream things that you know he doesn't care about at all - but his delivery and presentation made it smart. So his show is exactly that- delivering easily accessible mainstream jokes with intelligence. It doesn't blow me away because I normally like my comedy a bit more weird - But nonetheless, it's good. I noticed John Mullaney was a writer who is also very funny so that's good. Michael Showalter was a guest and Zak Orth was really funny in one of the bits- his bit was my favorite part of the show. Also in the show: Nick Kroll and Andrea Rosen. I love that lady.

And one other interesting thing was that my comedy partner Adam Newman has an awful lot of similar mannerisms and vocal patterns as Mr. Black. Something I never noticed before because I never really saw his standup, I almost always have seen him doing things in groups or with Stella.

Michael Ian Black really impressed me though and showed signs he could really be an iconic, long lasting comedy star for our time - like Carson or Dangerfield or something.

PS- John Rambo trailer.

And a new pic of Heath Ledger as the Joker:

Monday, May 21, 2007


Sometimes I just get really addicted to this thing. Please just take a look at my youtube page, and scroll down to my favorites. I've got some pretty damn good stuff in there.

Kittens Now More Ambient

Be sure to listen to the sales pitch on this wonderful preview video.


Hey y'all, It's another exciting day!

Congratulations me - I smooshed a dead mouse with my knee this weekend. JK, It was so very repulsive. I was looking for something in the attic at my parent's house and I didn't see the mousetrap with dead mouse .. so I kneeled into it. Then I wondered, what is cold and wet and on my knee skin? Oh ... mouse carcass.

Got a lot of boring stuff done this weekend that I had to get out of the way and I didn't party particularly hard. BUT OLDE ENGLISH BLEW MY MIND THIS WEEKEND! Their show on Saturday was bloody fantastic. And what added to the fun was their lineup was all my friends! How nice is that? They are seriously sooo good. You know how you think some people are funny, but you understand if they write a sucky sketch or bit here and there? Well I've seen Olde English's live show 2 times now and both times they were awesome, this last show even better. Plus they showed a video which has to be one of the smartest, most thoughtfully executed comedy videos I've seen. It made fun of Michel Gondry, a director that I worship and see as a massive influence on fusing sensitivity/cleverness with the capabilities of digital filmmaking - AND MICHEL GONDRY WAS THERE! It was kind of random how he wound up in the audience, but nonetheless, there he was.

Oh, and I saw Ricky Gervais at the highline festival this weekend. He's pretty damn brilliant.

Check out Mickey Avalon's "Jane Fonda" fun, catchy LA trash.
Jake Fogelnest interviewing Weezer. Check more of his videos to find somethin from back in the day with The State.

Friday, May 18, 2007

New Comedy TV Shows, a roundup:

Flight of the Conchords- Went to a NY screening of this last night. There were nice people there, but it was really lame to have an event like that with none of the cast there. That cast is largely made up of NYC comedians. I've been to smaller events with bigger stars and they showed up.
That aside- I think the show is great. If you've read this blog, you know I'm a big Flight of the Conchords fan. I was lucky enough to catch their first US performance back in '04 and they blew me away.
ANYHOO- THE VERDICT: It's a really smart show with subdued humor. There's a lot of nuances and subtleties that carry their jokes. The guys also play with the "adorable factor" in a borderline self-depreciating way but never overtly negative. I am not sure it's going to do well in the US though. Seems like it would kill in England. Their songs are funnier live. Oh, and they filmed all in my neighborhood!

See them live in NY with Eugene Mirman or Rhys Darby.
Jemaine Clement interview.

Fat Guy Stuck in Internet
- Ok, so I'm biased, but thank god for this unique, ridiculous, absurd funfest that calls on our generations' computer sentimentalities. Thumbs Up. It's an exciting, well-executed show all around.

Human Giant- Ummm ... The big budgetness is nice. These guys are all good writers. What's awkward for me is why they are working together. They weren't exactly a sketch group or anything beforehand. Most shows like this, the guys seem like more of a group. I have a crush on Rob Huebel and find him attractive. So it's especially nice to see him. Anyhow- I think they are all talented writers and some good sketches have come out of this. But I do find their grouping awkward and so something is missing for me. It's also weird to have older guys on MTV, a network dominated by teen and 20 year old talent.

Whitest Kids U Know- My favorite sketches of theirs are smart because each line is not predictable. The Deer sketch and Timmy Poops His Pants. Each line of dialog is unpredictable and interesting so bravo to that. My only complaint is that some sketches are very teen oriented, which does sell, but it doesn't appeal to me. Especially unnecessary uses of bikini girls or boobs, which aren't funny, just degrading. I am also not into Hitler jokes, though I've heard their Hitler rap is their most popular sketch. Their greatest strength is their group unity, sense of camaraderie, and "dude" appeal. Plus they are strong actors.

From a friend on the West Coast:
Cavemen- So it's been criticized for being a stupid concept ... but I heard that Nick Kroll is so fantastic as the Caveman that he steals the show.

- Rumor is that it's a unanimous thumbs down. I'm sorry to hear that cause I gots a friend in the show. No problem for him though. He's a rising star and this is a great career move anyway.

And in related news, in case anybody missed this, Sacha Baron Cohen, Oxford trained actor, will star as Freddie Mercury in an upcoming biopic. I'm excited to see it! He's such a fantastic performer.

Ohh, and please visit my Meatpanties video on super deluxe today. Leave comments/ratings if you can. It would be very helpful. Thanks!

Thursday, May 17, 2007


Yesterday's happiness is a bit deflated. I got outbid on the ebay camera I wanted (Panasonic DVX100a or 100b, the ebay one was regular DVX100, no a or b) and realized it wasn't the right model anyway. What I really want is twice as expensive at B & H, where I should go because they're the best store at the best prices for that kind of thing. I think I still need to do it, but at least I made the first step with the editing abilities. Maybe I'll just work on catching up with all the unedited tapes I have and then get the camera? Stupid monies :(

Wednesday, May 16, 2007


Related, the leaks of GNR's new album, Chinese Democracy are absolutely terrible. So sad ...

Oh and here's another random something else, Trent Reznor sticks it to the man.

I'm so thrilled!

I made a decision to do something I've been wanting to do for a really long time. I thought about it, put my priorities in check, and finally went for it.

I've always wanted to have my own "editing suite" with Final Cut Pro on it and the whole shebang, back up hard drive, etc- whatever I need to be self sufficient. I know final cut, love editing, and have soo much backed up stuff I've written that I've yet to shoot and edit.

drool ...

So I did it, got all stuff I need trying to be as frugal as possible. I'll finally have the freedom to bring all the stuff I wrote to life!

Also, I found some great deals on a pro camera so I can also shoot my own stuff. This is especially exciting for me because now I can develop better camera skills. I understand shots and angles, just not all the technical know how, but that's the sort of thing I'm pretty good at picking up.

And I got a really cool USB microphone for voice overs since I do a lot of those. Oh and I wasn't cheap in getting the express final cut either. I think the investment in getting the full, non-pirated version is extremely worth it.

Before this purchase, and aside from student loans, I have about a thousand in debt on my credit card, but I decided that I'd be happy to be in (moderate) debt over something that means so much to me, as far as being able to pursue all the creative things I want to tackle. I consulted some friends who guided me through what to buy and I found some great deals.

The only things I didn't get that I'm still wanting are a Boom mike, lighting, and Lavs. Can't afford lavs, can probably borrow a boom/boom operator, and don't have a studio for the lighting anyway, so I could probably get some goodies at Home Depot that'll work well for makeshift lights.

I don't think I've ever been happier with spending my money. I needed to re prioritize! Should I be saving my credit for fancy lipglosses, expensive dinners, and cool shoes? Nooo! So today I got with the program. I'm so so super psyched!!!!

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Stuff that other people do

- See this show on Thursday:

It's Marcus Monroe's Variety show - he's super talented and you have to check it out.

From his website,
Marcus Monroe Variety Show Part 2

This is the second show of a three show series and if you didn't get a chance to come to the first show, you missed an amazing show!! Amber Martin performing as Reba, Physical Comedian Brent McCoy rocked the diablo, and Magician Ben Nemzer got into everyone's mind with his magic. This second show on
Thursday May 17th 8pm
is going to be an incredable show. Comedian Oren Brimer, Master Magician Eric Walton, and from American Idol IAN BENARDO will perform his new single!!Click here to check out this weeks special guest! - IAN BENARDO The PIT Theater is located at
154 W. 29th Street, please arrive early. All acts subject to change!

- The Myspace blog of Mc Chris

- The Flight of the Conchords HBO show 1st episode online here:

Monday, May 14, 2007

Am animal

Dude. Dude. Seriously. I had a GREAT WEEKEND.

Man oh man. I partied my ass off. I partied so hard that I have like eleven bruises to show for it. Friday, Saturday and Sunday night there were great parties going on. Most especially Friday. Friday night I had my first roof party at my new apartment!

I want a Christmas ornament for it. I demand one. And I want it to say "Heather's First Very Fun Roof Party".

What made it most especially fun was that it was totally last minute. I had like over a hundred peeps on my roof and I decided to throw the party around 7pm last night. Thanks to the urging of Mr. Zimmer. He was our bartender and supplied a decked out bar. The fact that the party was a good one with lots of folks having fun made me feel great inside. When I was younger, like in high school, I was known about town for having the best parties. No modesty here about that. I am flat out proud of it. When I was in college, and living in Hoboken, I lost my ability to throw good parties. My apartments simply weren't any good for it. Now I have a roof! I big one. In a fun neighborhood where people like to be. And so I feel I have most certainly restored a fundamental element of my identity. F yeah.

Then on Saturday and Sunday during the days I made sure to get out of my house and ENJOY ME SOME LIFE. And I got new highlights, red ones and blonde ones and they are pretty cool.

Anyhow, the moral of the story is that I am a party animal and that's what suits me best, making me happy and in turn providing the most hospitable environ for me to make you LOLz. And also is encouraging of me giving hugs. So that's good if you're into that.

PS- Video Schmideo Episode 2 = Hilarious.

Pictures from Friday on my flickr page.

That's a good illustration of my Saturday night.

Also, you better come to Street Meat tonight. It's ON.

Lol Presidents!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Monday May 14 Street Meat

Tomorrow night is Street Meat, and after the show we've got 2 great music acts to serenade you at the show's afterparty!
- Cock Lorge
- Paige Wood

Cheap drinks, drink specials, and awesome music should keep you occupied through the night! The AFTER PARTY KICKS OFF AROUND 10PM, so if you can't make the show, please come on down and have some drinks.

Also- Street Meat is FREE tomorrow night.

Here's the f'ing awesomeo lineup:
- John F O'Donnell

- Eliza Faria-Santos

- Amanda Pettit

- Touching You

- Olde English


We have a deal with drinks. If you come to this show and sign up for the mailing list, from now on, anyone on our mailing list who brings someone who is not already on the mailing list gets a FREE DRINK for each extra person they bring at a future show. DON'T MISS OUT ON THIS FREE DRINK OPPORTUNITY! EVERY SHOW IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT, YOU WANNA COME BACK AND YOU WANNA HAVE FREE DRINKS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Arcade Fire!

Last night I went to their concert at Radio City Music Hall. We had much fun storming to the front and jumping in the aisle. Just like in this article!

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Hey, that's me!

On the magazine:

Ok, it's not there on the front page anymore, click through to see the preview for "Fat Guy Stuck in Internet" and check out the magazine he's reading.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Monday, May 07, 2007

This weekend I ...

... made nice with Michael Lucas;
- got bruises on left arm and right hip;
- threw a chicken out the window, doused it in lighter fluid, and lit it on fire;
- discovered that these eggs in my fridge are expired, put em back in but made mental note they were no good;
- and hmm, discovered that I like Carrie Underwood (don't you judge me, don't you DARE judge me).



Oh also, Brandi Carlile. I had the VH1 video countdown on (don't you judge me, don't you DARE judge me) and I saw her video for "The Story". This song is soo good! Her voice is so incredibly passionate and it's just a well written song. Plus she kinda rocks out towards the end. Here's a youtube of it from a live show.

Back to Michael, who if you don't know already - he's my old boss/pornstar- it seriously bothered me how we had stopped talking and I really missed him as a friend. I still hear from people we both know and check out his blog and news stories about him from time to time. I called him on Friday to make up, and so without all the details, that's what happened. This made me really happy because when I look back on everything, the drama and even shitty times, overall, working there was a great experience and a fantastic adventure. Plus I worked with him in such a close way, the way I got to know him is unlike any way that I know anybody else. And so he's pretty darn special! I learned every intimate detail about him, and could even complete his sentences at times. Anyhow, he's got a lot of interesting things going on, check out this stuff:
- Wall Street Journal on his win of the LDV lawsuit
- The very interesting court documents (pdf)
- And his blog (NSFW)
- And here's a bit from my cameo in La Dolce Vita. A blooper. I thought that was fun times.

Other fun:
- Sorry for yalls loss

Also recently, I was in a video shot by Olde English. Here's some pictures.

And about that chicken, it's cuz we were making a video for the next Street Meat show (Monday May 14!). After shooting that videroo, Adam and I walked from Fort Greene to Park Slope. He decided he really wanted these new red Air Jordans. I understand why. They are f'ing awesome. BUT Nike's all a bunch of dicks cause they make you buy them in pairs ( a red pair and yellow pair in a set for over 200 bucks). I told him he could get them separately on the internet. He didn't believe me and I was right! Then on Sunday I saw Mike Burns wearing a patent leather version of this lovely shoe. He is officially the most stylish male comedian in New York. You should peep his threads if and when you see him. Saw him at Vince Averill/Jesse Popp's show at Beauty Bar. I liked all the people's there. And it was my first time seeing Chris Jurek, who made me LOL really hard.

By the way, the bartender at Freeman's makes a mean Mint Julep. And one of the bartenders there is really really adorable. Plus I only recently discovered the bigger bar in the back - making it my new default evening bar. Oh and also for brunch. They got poached egg with cheesy grits and a roasted tomato. 2 DIE 4!

PS- See me perform tonight in Williamsburg Brooklyn. If you want. Or whatever.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

I picked these for you.

Kelly goes Hardcore

With Jemaine Clement - previous blog interview here. Oh and watch out for his upcoming HBO show.

Year Zero's ok, but I really miss my old Trent Reznor, come back!

- 5 Boroughs Ice Cream: Upper East Side flavor - Rich White Vanilla.
- This is just really annoying to me.
- 999 Borats

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Upcoming Shows!

Thursday May 3, 8pm, Variety Underground, Parkside Lounge, 317 E Houston

Sunday May 6, 9pm; Beauty Bar,

Monday May 7, 7:30/8pm, Pete's Candy Store, Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Next Street Meat is Monday May 14.