Wednesday, October 31, 2007

zombies are stupid

I like a lot of weird stuff but I have always thought that zombies were stupid and boring - ahhh the walking dead? LAME. Ghosts are interesting. Spooky ghost stories. Or aliens. Or robots with animal parts. Walking dead is stupid. Oh no what if I get bit by a zombie oh no! I will never get bit by a stupid zombie accept for on that fucking facebook and it's really not exciting or fun when that happens. Sure, maybe a robot will spite man and attack him, and maybe an alien will come to earth and rip out my eyeballs. But zombies? Dude, dead people are totally dead. Whatever.

also This costume I like.

PS the ENTIRE WORLD should be partying tonight
have fun

unless somebody died or you have something really bad you are going through
you owe it to yourself to do whatever you want ok? feel better, you.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

F'ing Success FINALLY


So, I blew off plans I felt quite compelled to take part in, ignored advances from friends in the neighborhood offering free drinks at bars (ok so one offered free drinks, the other offered general fun times) and stuck to it.

Tonight was for me to stay in and work on this damn thing I was gonna work on and then go out but I didn't make a enough progress so I couldn't leave.

And I didn't.

And I made lots of progress! Seriously. I began writing something I couldn't figure out for the longest time and now it all makes sense to me.


me: seed planted


There are seriously so many things on my mind that I'd like to say right now but I can't.

Because ... because
I've been kidnapped
by a racist salmon farmer
and he has big hands that are so big he can't fit them in any gloves

and he always makes me sit with him and listen to his stories about how you can avoid dying when lava is coming your way
because he knows that lava and volcanoes are deadly
and that fault lines run beneath the earth in infinite locations
and so you never know when lava is going to strike


I wish that was why

but really
the things I would like to articulate
are things I fear committing to printed word

I'm not interested in making declarations right now
I'm transitional
I'm fleeting
I'm up to something
Those things are true and declarable
oh and this one I'd like to say
I have become increasingly interested in selfishness, most particularly when it comes to my time

And though I've come to desire personal time and space moreso than ever before, I am not terribly successful in acquiring it.

Relatedlymoreso, I am capable of articulating these declarations:
I am not willing to give up every night to comedy
I am not willing to give up every night to friends
I am not willing to give up every night to scoring with dudes
yet I love comedy, friends and dudes and so
Dear Comedy, Friends, and Dudes:
Please Be Not Insulted By My Distance
Love, Heather

and so my ambition has become a dumb sperm searching for something to inseminate

am swimming through the warm fallopian, just haven't penetrated those sweet ova membranes


What does that even mean? I can't expect you to know. I am swimming with these ideas, aiming, trying to poke into something. I am working on many many projects, all of which must not be abandoned. There's just no one thing that's complete and settled like a fertilized egg, one that can be set in a womb and left to erupt into a life of it's own. That's what. There is want to penetrate, but I am not in that phase right now. I am doing the swimming, the exploring, the developing. And so I repeat:

a dumb sperm
just haven't penetrated

Monday, October 29, 2007

I'm in your Halloween, Punishing You.

So, my Halloween costume this year is the Punisher. You should read about him so you know how cool this character is read here Sure, it's a female version, cause I'm a lady. But I'm punisher. I fancy myself as Garth Ennis' Punisher. Not the early one in spandex. I got the logo sewn on a black shirt that I liked, and I went to an Army Navy Store to get some gear.

omg! Army Navy store is like candy store!
I wanted all of the fun cool things in there. This was one of the first times I built a costume where I felt like I was getting to be some fantasy version of who I would love to be. I got a pellet machine gun, a fancy shoulder harness, and a fancy gun belt which all strapped together. I was gonna get a plastic glock thingy, and then there were these fake grenades, and these awesome magazines made of bullet cases so it looked real. But I had to stop myself at a point.

When I wore my outfit on Friday night I felt very cool but powerless because my gun was not real. When pirates sword fighted at me I knew I had a much more powerful weapon but since it didn't have any sounds or real bullets I felt impotent and sad.

One of these days I will be a post apocalyptic war hero.

Fire a Cap in My Ass 'n Call me Kip Winger- I would just love to pack me some heat!

Unrelated, interesting things by way of gothamist:
The splasher speaks
Puppy Parade

Look inside:
The New Singapore Airbus
The Mac OS Leopard

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

The heart wants fought for fast food

Download The War Criminal Rises and Speaks - Okkervil River. Lyrics

I discovered this song a while ago but I think it's one of the finest original songs made in years. It's got this classic storytelling style and Will Sheff's breathtakingly honest voice. I am not as into their newest album, but overall Okkervil River has got some incredible stuff.

And in case you didn't find that interesting, here's a catalog of comic book groin shots.

And in case you didn't find that interesting, here's other people's IM conversations.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

time machine

So today I gave a deposition as a witness in a trial relating to my old job working for Lucas. In doing so I recounted my past, my life, old emails. It was bizarre. I feel weird. Remembering old dramas, who I was then, what I experienced, it was a hell of a lot.

I can barely wrap my head around the variety of things going on in a day and here I revisited some of the more interesting chapters of my life.

I do not think I have a boring life.

And yet I get in front of microphones.

And yet I type openly here.

And when this happens, so little trickles out.
Compared to the enormity of what lies inside.


nevermind about f*cking it

i decided on a new costume so everything is cool now

dude i am so like f*ck it

I can't think of or pull together a damn new costume I don't have time What am I Free Time Having Lady I'm not I'm Heather Fucking Fink Bitch oh sorry for the attitude I've been listening to Britney Spears a lot lately

so I'm wearing the Uma Kill Bill costume again and if anyone is all like oh you wore that before like a hundred times i am gonna be all like oh sorry that I am trying to make something of myself in the world and maybe try to do all this awesome stuff so whatever stupids

mobile entertainment entertains me


I love my blackberry mobile device. But Kristen loves her iPhone. Woot woot. You go girl:
Ms Sloan does the iPhone

A little while ago I made some instructional videos for my old company.

I made some new ones for my new company, Thumbplay. Adam co-stars as we explain some basic features about the site.

Click here to watch the video

Related and funny: This article's title
AOL Fingers Thumbplay
I like, didn't know websites could do that to eachother and stuff. But I'm not necessarily opposed.

Monday, October 22, 2007

sausages are the best type of links

and I'm telling you I wish so hard with my brain cells that I could digitally transmit sausage links over the internet. BUT I CANT. I want to. But I CANT. Oh god. I just can't. Here's some hyper links. You click on the words. They take you to a URL. It's alright I guess ...

In this extremely well done (bravo) College Humor video, Adam is wearing my mom's old Gloria Vanderbuilt polo shirt. MY MOM'S SHIRT. He is supposed to be a bro. It's so F'ed up.
Watch Brohemian Rhapsody

I don't know Moby very well, but he did tell me to watch this video of a car being smashed by a pumpkin.

Hey guess what I found on the internet?
Other peoples photos with me in them. Here, won't you enjoy more examples of my digital life?
- a party
- kickin it

(not funny) A friend of a friend died. She showed me his myspace page. People are posting comments there. This cold digital format is capable of making me feel a lot of things. In this case, deeply sad things.

Not links, worth mentioning:
- I went home this weekend for a gathering at my parents house. We didn't have relatives who lived nearby growing up so my mom's friends and kids were a lot like my aunts and uncles and cousins. And I haven't seen some of them in a while. And I love em and I'm lucky that they're a part of my life.
- I dyed my hair red again.

Ok bye.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Pictures of me and my relaxing with my friends

Here, look!

oh, and so much more fun before your weekend:

- please help my friend find what she wants.
- Horseballs good for horses
- Look at mine
- A bunch of tech dudes charmingly heckled Monday's Street Meat shouting something about Goatse. I didn't look at it cause I was warned. But it is defined as:
a picture, hello.jpg, showing a naked man stretching his anus open to a diameter roughly equal to the width of his hand, with the inside of his rectum clearly visible. Below his gaping anus, his dangling, semi-flaccid penis and scrotum were visible.

it's all so

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Problems with my standup and my comedy

Sometimes a person feels like all they need is an opportunity and for someone to give them a break. While I don't exactly feel like I've been given a break - I do feel like I am in a place where if I want to be heard, people are listening. I feel like I do understand a lot about the comedy scene and how it works. I feel like if I had something brilliant to put out there, it would not fall on deaf ears.

People do book me on their shows. And in that gracious time, in every single opportunity, I could very well be blowing their minds. But I'm not. Not even close. And that kills me.

I feel that I am capable of it. I feel that I am capable of creating comedy that is very special, personal, and unique, that will resonate with people make them feel something.

But I just don't know how to get it out of me.

I'm not sure where it is, still.

I have so many different distinct sides of me that are very pronounced. I am a serious person and at the same time very silly. I know that who I am on one show is very different from who I am on the next. I often don't remember what I did the last time and how I did it.

It's not enough that I do well some times and get some laughs. I want to know who I am and what the hell I am doing.

There is a stage. There is a spotlight. The mike is on.

I will figure this thing out one way or the other.

it matters to me what you think

but not you

Retired Joke Department: Vote for Hillary

So I'm experimental in my standup and I like to try different kinds of things. For a couple of shows last winter I was telling this monologue about why you should vote for Gore and not Hillary. In reality I support Hillary 100% so with the election coming closer I don't really want to tell this joke any more. For the record- I think you should vote for Hillary in spite of what you think of her history or persona. She's simply competent. She is smart, tough, experienced, level headed, and competent enough to do the job well. I'm sure she'd screw up as every President screws up, but for the most part I think she'd push the country a lot closer to where it needs to be than the other folks out there. Obama is all personality and no experience. Too young. Not yet. Hillary!

I just love these dorks.

Anyways- here's the big long diatribe/joke:

It's time to talk about our choices for president in 2008 before it's too late. But let me start off by asking you a question: Do you think that those trees in movies like Big Fish and Lord of the rings came to life via CGI special effects? NO people! Who are you kidding!? That was Al Gore. Al Gore came to the movie set and made them move. That shit is too complicated to animate. Those trees were real. Al Gore can speak to trees, and god almighty if the American people just fucking got behind the poor ol humdrum guy I'm sure that Ol Gorey Mc Gorenator could send his trees over to git and Kill Osama and all terrorists! But he's not gonna do it without our help.

Here we are thinking about electing Hillary Clinton. Don't you all see that Hillary is a fuckmachine gone wrong? Yes. Many years back Bill got a really expensive robot fuckmachine. It was based in the science behind the documentary film "Weird Science". He took all the qualities he thought he wanted. He wanted blonde, well bred, ivy league smart, focused, someone who could keep up with him in politics.

And he wanted her to have a sweet and amazing coochie. She's a cybernetic organism. Human skin over metal endoskeleton, and she can age. Hillary Clinton's cybernetic gina is the bomb- it's like abysmally perfect. It feels like if you crossed an alpaca and a cloud, in impossible dream of softness, but it's completely wet like the furious rivers of the Amazon, and it's tight like a vice. Plus it looks absolutely beautiful, you would want to put it in a picture frame if you saw it. It's like Helen of Troy, a beauty so mezmerizing that it could start a world war. That's why they keep it under wraps cause the Clintons are anti-war, or at least they were until Hillary's pro-Iraq war vote- a vote that made her pussy very angry, so angry that it imploded and a new one began to grow- like a phoenix rising from the ashes, or a lizard whose tail was chopped off. Yes, all of this is true.

Anyway, Bill created this machine because he's really horny. And he wanted it to be perfect because cybernetic fuckmachines are expensive and he was in college and didn't have too much extra cash to throw around, after all, he came from a poor family, raised by a single mother in the south. Now I know you wouldn't think that Hillary was a fuckmachine cause her face ain't no Kathy Ireland or anything like that. But Bill didn't want her to be too conspicuous, plus, contrary to the stunning Kelly LeBrock who in real life would be called to question. No, Bill wanted a real, modest looking woman, and he didn't want any of his friends trying to bogart his machine because that's unsanitary. And so him and the machine really worked out. She was so well crafted that she's been able to do a lot of great things on her own. But she's all an illusion. A temptress to any liberal and democrat types.

I mean, everyone knows there's something not quite right about her. She seems like the perfect thing that so many of us want- a strong, powerful, confident woman in office. But truth is that she's as socially inept as all robots are. I mean, she knows why we cry, but that is something she can never do. She's our false hope and she isn't the answer. That's why we should all vote for Al Gore in 2008 for president again. It makes perfect sense.


Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Do not upset the purse people

My friends. It seems I have messed with the wrong people.

Apparently there's a bunch of freaks out there on the internet who have an emotional connection to handbags and purses.

For your reference -
My blog about Louis Vuitton bags written about 2 years ago.

Louis Vuitton bags are ugly. I would take one as a gift since they are well made- but they aren't cute and you look like an idiot carrying one. It's not sensible, even if you can afford it, or cute, to show off something that's grossly more expensive than it's worth.

And I'm just bein' silly. The fact that these people took my entry so seriously speaks to a whole new level of materialism that I wasn't aware existed. Either way, what they said is really funny. And so I'm posting it below.

Highlights from the forum:

"Ok so I was trying to google for some LV banner & i found this lady's blog about LV. What is she even talking about? LV purses are not ugly. They are sophisticated, elegant, very durable...and there's so many word to describe it. I just had to post this up. UGGH she had to idea what she's talking about. Many celeb wear LV and there's ton of people out there who dream to even own one."

"Not everyone has discriminating taste.....or class."

"I hate her."

"I agree! Maybe one factor that she hates LV because there's a lot of replicas around and she cannot distinguise which one is real or not. LOL!"

NUMBER 1. she's the one producing the fake products! and angry because she's not making a profit?

Number 2. she's the one producing the fake products! and angry because she's not making a profit!

Number 3. she's the one producing the fake products! and angry because she's not making a profit!!!

c(-__________-) LOL"

"lol. she doesnt seem like she has that great a fashion sense herself. its okay i use to think that a lot of LVs were ugly ( i reallllllly hate brown) then it really really grew on me. and now i am in LVoe!"

"yet she has a fake Prada... uh duh!
And she probably just needs attention."

"her whole blog is so blatantly a desperate plea for attention...
and i found it weirdly over the top................"

"I think the fact she was on a tacky show like Elimidate pretty much attests to the type of person she is. Also, she seriously needs to brush up on her grammar, spelling, and punctuation. If she wants people to take her seriously, it would do her well to learn to not write like a blind, brain damaged, chimp."

"Sigh, not even going to read it. It's just too ignorant for my taste."

"When some people says such things to my father (about luggage, but also expensive wines, journeys, restaurants an hotels and so on), he says:
"Whaaaat? So do you think, that rich people are stupid???????????""

"Excatly!!!! My sister thinks they are the ugliest bags she's ever seen , this is from a person that doesn't even own a handbag, any handbag lol, I think she's just derranged LOL, I couldn't live without a handbag!!!
All that matters is that "you" like them."

And my personal favorite:

"Had to scan her blog...curiousity got the better of me...these rude and hateful comments come from a woman who "peed in a sink"....enough said."

There is nothing hateful about making fun of purses. They are purses.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Time for Art!

Tonight I am performing a new character on Street Meat! Please come to the show. 7:30 @ 152 Ludlow St.

I am so proud of myself right now that god should smite me for my sin of pride. I am proud of a specific thing I discovered on Saturday night. If you are out late at night in the streets, perhaps you have been drinking, perhaps the people around you have been too- it is extremely enjoyable for you and those around you to make loud pronounced fart noises - two hands fart noises - at passers by. And you have to preface it by saying "hey, hey you ..." and then when you have full attention, you make the fart noise. It's really fun to do, and absolutely every person I did that to laughed quite a lot. And so I give myself a gold star.

I think my neck bones are inflamed. Isn't that what happens when you got a stiff neck? I got that. Hmph. Inflammation.

UPDATE: I bought these topical devices to treat my neck. I will surely be better very soon.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Street Meat is this coming Monday!

Crazay Street Character Comedy
Monday OCT 15
Cake Shop @ 152 Ludlow St NYC
- shorter and earlier than usual! Just a lil Cocktail Street Weiner.

with special guests
- RICK SHAPIRO (Lucky Louie, Pootie Tang, Howard Stern)
- LANG FISHER (The Onion)
- UBER LUBER (death metal from Adam Newman and Trevor Williams)
- video from ADAM WADE (since meat is a food, and we love his food related videos)


We're back and we love you so very much.

PS- here's a clip I liked of Rick Shapiro on Lucky Louie

- Jessica and Ashley Simpson at Planet Hiltron

- Arcade Fire's new website is one of the most incredible example's of web medium as art I've seen.

- Vote for Winter Sounds - Check out Jamie on the drums!

Thursday, October 11, 2007

gtalk discovery

Questions for my dead cat who I loved very much if I could talk to him in heaven

If I could talk to my cat today, I would ask him many questions:
- Why did you like to be pushed around in a box so much? You would always totally flip out at the corners, patting at them with your little paws. You would pat and prod whenever the box moved, accomplishing nothing. What was in it for you?

- How come you derived such pleasure from sitting so close to my head. My head is not anything like a seat or a bed, which are excellent places to sit.

- Why did you hate magazines and books so much? Any time I opened one, you would instantly jump on top of it and pat it down, making it very nearly impossible for me to turn the pages. Is it because you spite my literacy?

- You always killed little rodents and birds and brought them to us to show off. But you wouldn't eat them. You would eat your catfood. You really like catfood better than a fresh kill? I have a hunger for fresh blood and so I'd think you would too. Please explain.

- Was it embarrassing for you when I watched you poop? You seemed to not want me there and I wasn't sure if embarrassment was a cat emotion.

- Where is your penis? I've also seen you pee, but it looked like it came out of a little pink nub. Is that nub really capable of making little baby kitties? Because I would think that female cats had ultimate pussies. Cause they are pussies. It's pussy on pussy. How do you stand up to that with that weird little nub of yours?

Ok, that's all the stuff I wish I could ask you. I hope you are enjoying kitty cat heaven. Maybe they will give you a bigger dick. I bet there's lots of big dicks in heaven so if you haven't gotten one yet just ask god and maybe he has an extra for you. I miss you my sweet little meow meow kitty. I'm really sorry about that lolcat thing too. I know you can have a cheeseburger whenever you want and you shouldn't have to be made a fool with that fragmented language.

very funny show from ucb


Wednesday, October 10, 2007

tonight i'm hosting a show at mo pitkins at 11pm

monday is next street meat
will be really fun
you better brace yourselves

Monday, October 08, 2007

enter the letters as they are shown in the image

I love to turn off the alarm clock, giving myself just a couple more minutes over and over again.
Those minutes are so sweet.
They are my favorite.

I loved my makeup area in my high school bedroom. I had one of those kneeling plowjob chairs where it has no back and this weird place for your knees.

I think I just might be a bunny for halloween. Not a sexy bunny. A cute little white bunny. For these reasons:
- hopping
- pellet poops
- liberty
- justice
- savings

I can't be Kill Bill Uma again, right? I really like to be though.

PS- I gots a wishlist
one firemelon:

Columbus Day is stupid. No special cakes. No special cards. I'm at work.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

It's Saturday Afternoon

Do I work on the book
Do I work on the standup
Do I work on the videos
Do I work on the sketches
Do I schedule some time to shoot the next video
Do I write that essay for those people

I watch Reds. It is nearly 3 hours long.

Good god young Warren Beatty was hot. I want a young Warren Beatty. I want a man like that. I want a man so spectacular that he doesn't exist.

I'm in no rush.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Hey! A man's iPhone burned his pants on fire! And so the world is great.

Hey! This is a free mp3 from a band I heart- Blonde Redhead.

Hey! Do this.
Friday 10/5
I do standup
Hells Angels @
Time Out New Lounge at New World Stages
340 West 50th Street (between 8th and 9th)

Sunday 10/7
106 Norfolk St, NYC
I'm hosting a new Sunday Night Comedy thing on the Lower East Side. This Sunday is just a trial run. I've invited some wonderful standups to pop on in and entertain you:
Adam Newman
Sean Patton
Joselyn Hughes
Roger Hailes
John F O Donnell
Jessie Geller
and some others just might pop on in. Hooray!

There is a small stage located in back at Nurse Bettie (it's under that picture on the wall):

109 Norfolk

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

This is the only place we visited on our trip

I took a photo of Adam here. We did not venture elsewhere. Only this area. It seemed safe here.

Recap: Heather's First Trip to Georgia

While in Georgia I:
- Thought up a lot of new standup, bits, and videos while on the trip. I loved just getting away in open space with time to let my thoughts breathe.
- Puked a lot.
- Performed in 3 very different shows and felt good about all 3.
- Decided that I would very much like to do more shows on the road.
- Saw the University of Georgia on game day. Go dawgs.
- Got to share the whole experience with my great friend and comedy collaborator and learn a lil more about where he comes from. Adam's friends, family, and hometown are all pretty fantastic.

About the shows:
- Atlanta GA, 9/28 @ Relapse Comedy Theatre - awesome crowd at this really cool new space in downtown Atlanta. They liked it. Ladies related. It felt like a mix of an alternative spot and your typical standup club

- Athens GA, 9/29 @ 40 Watt - so we performed at this big cool venue. The show went over well and we got a lot of positive feedback. I didn't feel like I killed it but it was a great experience to perform on such a big stage like that. I do feel confident that I did not suck. Got to see Adam perform in his band Coulier. They were enormously entertaining and skilled musicians. I'm sure he'll put up some video clips soon. We vs the Shark also played. They've been awesome everytime I've met or seen them. They'll be playing Cake Shop in NYC Oct 17 at CMJ.

- Athens GA, 9/30 @ Secret Squirrel - so this is some big basement warehouse where they have Sunday night parties with performances. There were kegs and a packed big crowd and Adam and I had no idea what to expect. So it was certainly a surprise that this was the best audience of the whole trip, and certainly my best performance of the weekend too. It was my dirtiest set yet, but hey, I'd been drinkin some beeeers. I learned that women really relate to what I'm saying and they appreciate the fact that I have a genuine love for weiners and doing it. What a fun time!

About Athens GA:
- Athens is a lot like a college town in the north with an intense music scene, great bars and restaurants, and lots of creative and laid back folks.
About Atlanta:
- looks kinda like LA.

So that's the basic rundown. Videos. Pictures. Multimedia of this experience will be good. That's coming soon like a dude who's jerking off. And by jerking off I mean spicing some chicken with cajun jerk seasoning. MAH! I told you I was a comedian.

Monday, October 01, 2007


This video clip is not from Georgia, it's from the August Street Meat. Here I am as a character I very much enjoy playing, Gertie.

BTW Georgia = Awesome.
Stories and video coming soon.