Friday, November 30, 2007

Agent Query Letter for the Book I am Writing

Hey Agent,

U gotta buy this book! It's the shit!

All this fuckin shit happened in my life you know? And people think it's like so fucking interesting - like seriously n shit it's some fucking unbelievable stories.

And see, books is about stories or whatever.

Go fuck yourself,

Heather

Here's the thing

about fancy wine stores

wine is delicious and great
it's not hard to find a good wine

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Shows update, Fri-Tuesday

WHEN - Friday Nov 30, 7pm
SHOW - Family Hour w/ Sara Benincasa
WHERE - Comix: Ochi's Lounge
WHAT I'M DOING - Humorous stories from my family

WHEN - Sunday Dec 2, 4pm
SHOW - UCB Improv Class Show
WHERE - UCB Theatre
WHAT I'M DOING - Improv

WHEN - Monday Dec 3, 8pm
SHOW - STREET MEAT
WHERE - Cake Shop, 152 Ludlow
WHAT I'M DOING - A new character, hosting

WHEN - Tuesday Dec 4, 8pm
SHOW - Llama Toe
WHERE - Cake Shop, 152 Ludlow
WHAT I'M DOING - Stand up

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

The Sarah Connor Chronicles

Why do Hollywood people have to RUIN my favorite thing? T3 didn't bother me so much cause the plot was good, but it was still a murderation of my favorite movies. THIS IS SCREWED UP! The ruiners! Ugh a whole season of crappy crap!



I can't stand tv drama acting these days- lost, heroes, grey's anatomy - all the sudden the actors are like "I'm ... talking ... in my ... serious voice ... now .... oh ... life so hard ... ugh I totally am gonna cry about something .... ughhhhh shit's all serious and important"

Not to say I don't enjoy Heroes. I do. It's getting dumber and dumber but still. Lost I have no patience for. Grey's is poopballs. I do watch these programs:
- Gossip Girls: It knows what it is
- Dirty Sexy Money: For the actors, it's kinda similar to gossip girls
- Tell Me You Love Me: weiners and boobs
- Project Runway: but I haven't caught any of this season yet
- Dexter: When I can catch it.
- 30 Rock/The Office: yep.

And that's all for now. I love me some tv. Cancelled HBO for the first time in years though. No more good new programs ... until Preacher comes on. They better not screw that up or I'll kick your ass. You. You suck. Fuckhead.


wut dis?! a still from the new Watchmen movie

- Tim and Eric, Eugene Mirman, Patton Oswalt (with actual Aimee Mann), Zach Galifiankis are all fighting with their youtubes!
- OMG I totes like to read Aminerjad's blog!
- A Pornier American Apparel
- DAMMMIT those Maine Coons aren't listening to me!
- WOAH. Puddin. Puddin so hard.

Monday, November 26, 2007

I've begin to f'ing hate these free doughnuts at work

I don't even really like donuts. They taste stupid.
It's just cause they are there that I eat them. I can't not.
CANT NOT

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Storage Unit

I look at the mess of clutter in various corners of my apartment see failure.
Those are my things.
My wonderful, sweet things.
The things I collect along the way in all of the doing that I do. The doings that I am fond of.
And so they will not be thrown in the garbage.
They will be used again for my important needs.
Or make me smile when I pick them up.
I only wish
it was not so
devistatingly
easy
to get lost in
my undeciding
of what to do with these things
Shelves would be nice.
But I really really don't know
Ikea
Target
Crate and Barrel
I click you
I click you, you category
shelving
cabinets
wall mounted
hanging
island storage unit
Hopeless.
I cannot decide what is best for you my stuff. My sweet belongings. All in a pile. Hi! How are you. How are you beige heel shoes? I haven't even worn you yet but you are nice. Hi blonde shaggy wig. You go in this pile.
Oh you. All of you.
What am I gonna do
with you?


-------
ITEMS
- You are great. You are a Cowbell Hero
- New York's Best Soup
- Interesting
- Biomimic Gadgets
- MEOW MEOW MEOW! holy shit this ->

is nice
it's always nice
i love kitties n love them from afar
can't have them
my apartment is small but not my ability to love

Thursday, November 22, 2007

i made an art for thanksgiving


What if instead of pilgrims and indians eating a meal together, there were these big snakes that shot fire out of their mouths and these really tall strippers eating a meal together? I think that the strippers would be like 6' 7" and the snakes would be slightly taller.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I got a pony!


ladies be pony shopping
always gettin nails did
n talking about handbags
eating salads
gossiping on the phone
oh, ps - women in the bathroom, I have a message for you and all the people of the world:
please don't listen to my urine stream.

Click now! Ask questions later. SFW. (Thanks Trevor)

Trent Reznor keeps being cool as he sticks it to the man.

Of Montreal reflects on selling out. And I agree with him wholeheartedly.

Alec Baldwin misses his motherfucking hair stylist

This morning a man tried to pick me up in a van as I walked to work. But don't worry I said "Fuck you! I am not getting in your van." And he listened.
-------------

So last night I went to see Bright Eyes with Thurston Moore and the Felice Brothers at Radio City Music Hall.

Here's an example of a Bright Eyes song that is interesting and dynamic so I love it:
- Touch
and some more good ones you can download:
- Lover I Don't Have to Love
- Gold Mine Gutted

Here's a pretty one that's a lil more boring but really sweet with smart lyrics that makes me think about winter nights in NYC:
- Lua

My favorite Bright Eyes songs are not the boring folksy stuff. I like grating experimental weirdly travelling sounds. I recommend you download these songs from Bright Eyes:
- The Calendar Hung Itself
- Easy/Lucky/Free
- Black Comedy
- No Lies Just Love
- Kathy with a K's song
- Tereza and Thomas
Those are my favorites.

And I saw Sonic Youth's Thurston Moore for the first time and loved it. His stuff is so deep and pushy into you. Love that. He goes in these bass/beat heavy places and I love that.

The thing that stood out most about last night's show was that at 7pm I found myself with 3 extra tickets and nobody to take them, couldn't sell em and no friends wanted to go to my surprise. I was so bummed and disappointed in myself for being so hasty on buying all those tickets.

But at 8 pm I had sold 2 to these really nice people, and found 3 friends who wanted to go (but only one joined me and we had a nice time), and the people in front of us and all around were very chatty and friendly, including this delightfully free spirited 19 year old girl. So I was happy. I had fun. Going to concerts I always feel like the music opens up my heart a little bit in that moment. Like how heat opens your pores or steam opens your sinuses ... that good strong mess of loud sound coming from human moved noise machines - that makes me feel all kinds of things like love and reflection and humannnness. I like concerts.

Here's another place where you can download some very nice mp3s
---------

Tonight I perform in Williamsburg- Standup, @ Spike Hill Bar and Grill, 6th/Bedford, 9:30pm.


oh man I could just look at this all day long

Thursday, November 15, 2007

lady bling



I decided that in general I need more skirts and dress. I feel pants are boring and I appreciate that skirts are a special privilege of being a dame. So I went to Joyce Leslie. Which we used to call Joyce Lesbian when we were preteens. Cause lesbianism is funny. Or as my former gay boss said "Dykes are weird."

They have an open shared dressing room. This makes for discomfort, but the kind of discomfort you simply accept.

The dressing room lady stood behind me and said to me in various states of half naked:
So, what if your friend is pregnant and didn't tell the father yet, and you knew the father, you wouldn't tell him, right? I mean it's me, it's cause when I was pregnant my friend told him. And now that I have the kid she is always gossiping and telling me what to do, I mean I have every right to be pissed off, right? And she is telling me the kid should get a dog to teach him fear, I mean I don't want a dog she doesn't even have a kid.
And as she spoke I nervously and meekly agreed with her, as I saw all of my clothes for trying on before me, I knew it was too late to turn back, and I was to place those dresses and skirts around my body. And I listened to this woman. And sure enough I agreed, you can't go having some bitch telling you to get your baby a dog, that shit ain't any of her damn business.


Lynx:
- The Encyclopedia of New York Video

- PDT

- Buffie the Body

- On Wussy Children and the Dangerous World.

- "There's a lot of misinformation about tawny owls.
"They're perceived to be very wise animals because of their appearance but really they're not very bright at all.


- Google's made a game where you do the work for them impressive idea.

- A doggy doing tricks

- Beaujolais Nouveau is here.

I keep having dreams that hauntingly weave reality into them so I have discernable traces of dream on my real memories. Very Messy Unsettling.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

they supply us with snacks at work

today they gave us meatstick

I have a serious addiction


to adventure

the most alluring thing about the rich and famous is not the bling bling and the ice
it's the possibility of the world opening up to some different shit

I'm demanding of this life
full of hunger and desire,
want to be swelled and fullly saturated by a million potentials
It's so so utterly impossible to behave for extended periods of time

aw snap, this opera music I'm listening to makes me wanna cry; man Bocelli has got teh sweet sweet vocals

Anyways, as I was saying
I know why the caged bird sings

I wanna ride the bull and the bull is not some sexual innuendo
I just wanna be tossed around

ride the bull
get tossed around
you can't handle the truth

but I can

who's with me?

cause you're either with me or against me.
Against me:
too tight panty hoses
RSVPs and reservations
shitty cupcakes
finity

With me:
high heels
vroom vrooms
sharpies
Falkor. Life should be more life Falkor and let me ride.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Thicksteak

Thicksteak!

I was checking out this wine website:
http://buyersvine.com/
because I am very sophisticated - and there is a section where you can browse wines by food the go with. And there is a choice. It is thicksteak. On the very top:


Thicksteak.

I want.
I want for a present.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

sometimes the modern world is so sterile it's hard to imagine that there was once a divided east and west germany in my lifetime

so numb to what we've become
we sit obediently accepting what we are spoonfed
all the time

to question is to exercise free will
and to be human

the poison of modern times
is to feel that we have asked all questions
already

we accept pain
and injustice
regularly
under the pretense
that we will be afforded
pleasure
sweetness
along with it

to fight injustice is sacrifice
submission is acceptance of social life
the desire for others

a man who lives life in battle fights alone

we cooperate constantly
man is a political animal

in order to love
you must compromise

in order to feel
you must bare your flesh

in order to eat
you must open your mouth

purity is inhuman
i'm not angry with the machine
the wheels that turn go straight
but at least they move

New Video: Michelle Braverman from November Street Meat



Here's the pamphlet Michelle passed out

Thursday, November 08, 2007

THIS IS THE 1,000th POST ON HEATHERFINK.COM!

I AM SO ACCOMPLISHED AND THIS MOMENT IS SO SPECIAL I WANNA THANK GOD AND YOU FOR ALL OF THIS OMG-TASTIC uh

hey where's my cake
1,000th post is stupid. Here we go anyway:

You might see me ask Deepak Chopra and Mike Myers a question on tonight's episode of Iconoclasts on the Sundance Channel. 10pm. I asked cuz I'm inquisitive. And cause Deepak is sooo magical. Sigh. Myers is delightful too. I always see him walking around the city trying very hard to avoid eye contact with the general public.

Also spotted round the city recently, Hillary Duff trying to get a cab while with some ok looking dude. Who cares? Why do I mention it? I don't know. It's faintly interesting to see - simply see a pop star and have nothing cool happen - and I can't tell you why.

And I got the fun chance to see Sarah Silverman on Sweet on Tuesday night. She was so vulnerable doing this material she has done for massive audiences in front of this intimate, intently listening crowd. It was stuff you could see her do on Jesus is Magic. I remember seeing her when I'd go into the city in high school. Back then she didn't strictly have an "offensive" schtick. She's always been smart and sharp. I hope she decides to experiment and try new material again. It was such a pleasure.

I really like this new youtube video by Will Hines - What If There's Bears



I am a big fan of hip marketing, the design and concept here are nice - but mutual funds? And could the models look like bigger douchebags? Any seriously - the cross section of folks is especially white. I always think it's kinda lame when you see black models and black stars that don't even look black. Halle Barry wins an award but she's half white. I know it's something, but still. I always feel sad for our state of cultural progress when I think about how whitified other ethnicities become when famous. You know- people straightening their hair, eye fold surgery for asian peoples - I think natural beautiful = awesome.

Anyways, that's off topic. My point is that hipster investing is silly. Doesn't mean I'm not curious though.

PS- This is JUST GREAT I LOVE IT! I'LL DO ANYTHING FOR IT.


you just tell me what i have to do i will go to any lengths tell me please i want this

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

I like to be friendly and open
I like to be warm and encourage others to open up
I like to engage others in collaborative activity
I like to get people to cause trouble and be unlike themselves
and also to get them to be themselves
I like to go finding treasures in people

But if you are creepy I shut off
get scared
get pale in the face
become quiet
still for a moment
and run away
most especially if I think you are gonna touch me weird or make me go dancing or go to a place that is a dance club
sometimes I pretend that I like to go out dancing just to be agreeable
but I really dont
I do like to dance though
when it happens by accident

If you make me nervous or are kinda creepy
I don't wanna know what's inside you
or tell you what's inside me

And also
if I feel that I know you in a professional capacity
or you are a family friend
or you see me when I'm being serious
It's also very scary to show you the real me
and I'm not sure that I wanna see you that way either

let's keep this in the daytime

The night is a big permission slip
u don't def get to come on the field trip without a signature, ok?

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Last night's meat

I loved it! Our audience is so smart and loving. I love them. I love this show. It's always so different and fun. And Rick Shapiro was great. He also loved the show and crowd. Both him and his manager said he'd like to come back and do our show as much as possible! Yay. That was a nice compliment.

PS - Here's a new article written about Rick, maybe you can get a sense of why we thought he was a special guest: http://www.slate.com/id/2177380, thanks to Neil for passing that article along :)

(I posted the video of the character I did last night here.) "Crabs Is Bad" post below corresponds with the video.

Crabs is bad

Info Pamphlet by Michelle Braverman



Crabs get in your pubes and ruin em up somethin awful
You can prevent it with a cream
You should go and ask your doctor for it








Crabs is not all FUN and GAMES


DO NOT:

- go rubbing your pubes on dogs and cats



DO NOT:
- go playin a joke like your pubes is a trash can and let all your friends put their candy wrappers and their eated up choco tacos in there

DO NOT:
- go scratchin at it - I know this is a hard one but I think you could really learn from this cause I scratched at mine so hard it got me a bigger rash on top of my crabs rash and that's like bacon burgers you know? like meat on meat but that's good so it's not like that. It's like bad on bad. Like a mean person who's got all these dittos all taped up on her, right? Like cause I HATE my homework and I don't need to be fillin out dittoes I work so hard as it is for my future. Like this bitchy girl Cathy, if she was covered in all these History assingments and I had to go up to her and fill out this question like "how far away is bermuda" I mean hell if I know and I really don't wanna even have to have small talk with Cathy she is so annoying.

DO NOT:
- get crabs


This is what Pubes Crabs looks like close up

Sunday, November 04, 2007

sad discovery (at the end so don't read it if you don't want to be sad with me)

There is a monster at the end of this book!


Dawson HATES the monster.

I saw an old man with a walker in the subway and he was wearing a leather biker jacket and a leather hat like something you'd see on the village people. Either he was
a) super gay
or
b) someone who takes care of him hates him and dressed him this way

I didn't say it here yet but it's becoming more relevant to my being: I'm writing a book. I like working on it. It feels nice.

I saw Sufjan Stevens' BQE, an orchestral piece about the BQE, this weekend. It filled my heart with joy. Absolutely beautiful. I enjoyed this part of the show much more than when he played his hits. I find that he never plays my favorite songs, like Jason, Kill, Flint, That Dress Looks Nice On You - but was all very very beautiful. He had the most instruments with him than he's had before.

I drank this big ol glass of wine just now.

People think to themselves scary thoughts about futures, like about babies and marriage and stuff. I asked myself recently what would I do if I was accidentally pregnant today? That question used to be easier when I was younger. ABORT! Cuz I'm young. I would tell myself, well I can't have a baby if I don't have any money and don't want it. And so now I'm old enough and can support myself so I could. And so what is the answer? Seems complicated. I should take responsibility. I'm not sure emotionally how that would affect me. But nah I decided. Abort. Cuz babies is serious n all. Having an abortion must be traumatizing. Babies and making babies is major weird crazy. I can't believe I have all these things inside me enabling me to do so. I just like doing my thing with the glass of wine and doing what I want and the buying myself expensive creams and the television watching.

One day a baby could be drinking milk out of my boob!
INSANE!

WTF

So there's a Street Meat tomorrow night
8pm
Monday 11/5
Cake Shop, 152 Ludlow
Be there or be a fuck head.

I got a Greek yogurt cup the other day with strawberry (I prefer the cherry) and I began to stir the two together (greek yogurt is very delicious and so eating this yogurt makes me feel happy) AND THEN I saw a note on the container that read "Do Not Stir"
What the heck! I had been stirring the strawberry into the yogurt already- and really I had been buying these yogurt cups quite frequently lately, stirring the fruits into the creamy yogurt - FUCKING IT UP FOR MYSELF EVERY TIME! I don't know what it's supposed to taste like. I don't know what the real experience is supposed to be like for me and this yogurt. I suppose the fruit is merely a topping that I should dip over onto the other side bite by bite. I'm so sad. So so fucking sad. I can't blog right now. I'll talk to you later.