I'm a woman

Just like Lt. Debbie Callahan!


I remember when Britney Spears was pubertying all over cause she wasn't a girl and also not a woman. But I know what I am and it's 100 percent adult woman.

Here's how I know:
- I now go to the gym IN THE MORNINGS! I've only done it 4 times so far but I like it. Only an adult would do something like wake up early before work to go to the gym of all gross places so that she can get things done later in the day! I am so responsible.
- I did my laundry more than once this month! Only an adult would bother doing such a thing. I think I'll keep up this behavior regularly.
- I have a blackberry (the motorola q sucked).
- I enjoy adult entertainments. Like that program on nbc, the today show. I don't think that's for kids.
- My drink of choice is whisky and I quite appreciate a fine scotch.
- I carry a fancy bag. Well, it was a gift. I'd never spend a lot of money on a bag, that feels silly. But still. I am an adult woman with a really nice and impressive bag. The kind of bag that intimidates other ladies.

Things to work on:
- Though I've worked at a fancy bar and like wine, I'm not all that good with descriptive wine terms. I have a hard time articulating exactly what I want in a wine. I'll be all "oh I like full bodied" and then they give me a wine and I'm all "ew not like that".
- I don't have enough business pants.
- The blackberry is pink (I got a skin for it).

Today's Bonus:
This really cool music video from O Death has dancing skeletons in it ooooh! I like skeletons as I've grown into a woman. I wanted to get a cool henna tattoo when I was at the Jersey shore of some bitchin skulls. Henna tats are supposed to last a couple weeks. I guess I let that opportunity pass me by. Oh dear now I'm melancholy and infinitely sad.

us americans are unable to do so because such as

They were nice to her on the today show. They shouldn't have been. It's not ok to be stupid. You shouldn't be able to be celebrated and have success in life when that much crap falls out of your mouth. You should be forced to learn somehow, someway, and be shunned like someone who has poop on their face or something and is walking around with all this big poop all over everywhere. Then after the shunning they will be all "dude I should try to read or write maybe some time after all I am rich and privileged and it shouldn't be a problem"

ITEMS
- Suggested thing to do with money: G-Pulling Air Combat Dogfights

- I love this here

- Steve and Woz Lego Set BTW did you know that Kathy Griffin is dating the Woz now?

- UCB's Asssscat and Bravo did something together

- Something good for ladies Camay Bar Soap

- Learning: there is such a thing as a Giantess fetish. No, seriously, there is.

- After much hesitance I have signed up for UCB Improv classes and am excited about it. I was hesitant because I have a good deal of experience n classes and all and wasn't into the fact that they make you start from level 1. But there's lots of good reasons to suck it up and do it anyway, and I've always wanted to complete their training program. I start in October.

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT
- Power and Virtue: Doing the right thing is absolutely empowering, but then if you are a person who does the right thing all of the time, you have to watch out for self-righteousness - pride. There's no greater power rush than telling the truth or doing something that benefits the greater good. Holding a door for someone, these little things are every day ways of feeling damn awesome. I wonder why people have a hard time with being a good person in the first place. Maybe they've never tried it?

- Fortune - balances of good and evil and the will to be happy. Or, good and evil are always in flux, and it's in your will to find perspective to either be happy or miserable.

- Men and the Quality of life - I don't want anything to threaten my single girl lifestyle.
My friend reminded me that I said that on stage recently. It's true. I like my life now. I like not having obligation, someone to answer to, someone to influence my personal decisions and consider on a regular basis. I like doing things my way whenever I want to. I like partying without consequence. I like the freedom I have to pursue whatever I want whenever I want.

But I still like boys. Certain boys just get to me and make me forget how much this is ship is my shit, bitch, and I'm the captain. I just wonder how willing I am to let them take the wheel of my big super ship.

You need a visual don't you? Ok so there's this big super ship boat like all golden ages of discovery like the Nina Pinta and Santa Maria, and I'm on the high seas and I've got this big scar on my arm and a shotgun in tote, and everybody knows that it's my ship and I'm so awesome on it being all great at having a ship. Everyone is all like, yo captain you're freakin cool and in charge. But then one day this dude is all hot and awesome and knows a lot about science things and terminators and it's like we have this connection man and and then he's all grabbin at the wheel, and I'm like WTF!? But then he's all like, don't worry baby, you're gonna like this, and I'm like dammit it's not bad. You know?

Ok enough of this Carrie Bradshaw fartwich. TTYL.

apologies for delay in posting

i got lots to say so little time

in the meantime you should rock the cradle of love

worth it

today was glorious

To left of my feet you will see that I built a wall of doom and fury to protect against waves. There were jagged shells pointing out of the top. Julie, my new 9 year old friend offered shovels later on which allowed us to build a far more impressive moat. In the end our wall was most impressive and structurally sound. I sat in my beach chair throne and it was good.

bonus- that photo was taken with my new Blackberry Curve (the Motorola Q turned out to be bollux). Am happy. Like my kickass new toy. Sorry to brag. Not really. My phone is so kick ass and it kicks so much asses with its lil phone feets it kicks them it finds them it finds the asses and then kicks them.

cool in high school

i was
I know that I'm not supposed to have been to be a likable adult or comedian for that matter
but i was popular and cool when i was in high school

I wasn't the perky blonde cheerleader who dated the football player
and we weren't like mean girls
we weren't that stupid really

but we wore a lot of makeup and really cute tops
drank a lot of warm beers
had friends with cars
and gave great h-jobs

some of the pretty ones got fat, did drugs, and got sucked into jersey under oceans of makeup and hoboken beers
some got married and had babies
some are single and savvy with hot jobs in the city

and back then i managed to be weird, scary, and something of an outsider even though i was cool enough to go to the cool parties and talk on the phone with the cool people and date the cool boys

i guess i just really liked to party, drink beer, and kiss boys right away

People are so attached to who they were then
It's so easy to find a little bit of angst, passion, anger or warmth in a person towards these times

For the most part, we all take our turn
I was a horrible dork in middle school
A loner in college
But in high school

I drank soooo many beers
got into soooo much trouble
and had a pretty good time

And in case you didn't know, even the cool girls
all of them
including that one little bitch
feel insecure
awkward
and stupid oftentimes
just like you
why
because you're a freakin person and that's what people do

Saw Superbad last night
liked it
mclovined it
so good

See what people on the internet reading a gossip blog are saying about

the Beckhams!
From Oh No They Didn't!
Pretty funny to read. They also noticed that Adam's voice sounded like the old man from Family Guy which is exactly what he was going for.

It's rainy and crap out at the beach right now. Which is ok. It's supposed to be awesome in the second half of the week and Saturday was a perfect day and at night we had a great group of people and lots of fun.

All is well. I'm not going to be a miss mopey mopey. If this is the form of my bad fortune, a rainy beach day - well, I think I can handle that.

I'm going away

To the beach.

From Saturday to Saturday. Be back the 25th.
In Jersey.
To my favorite beach since I was a kid.

New rules:
- no fun while I am not around
- no contacting my roommate for access to my apartment and then touching or moving my stuff, I repeat DO NOT TOUCH MY STUFF IT'S MY STUFF I got a lot of cool stuff. Including this cool new Conan the Barbarian action figure that I won on Tuesday. Also don't touch my undershirts. I wear a lot of undershirts under my shirts and I don't want you ruining them.

One fellow once said to me "Hey what's the deal with you posting about your vacation on the internet- you really want all of those people at your beach house?"

Heavens no. A lot of you people out there are creepy and unpleasant. I simply wouldn't give out the address. I hope you understand but it is really on you that you are so creepy and unpleasant.

That said- whoever would like to join me for at some point next week, please communicate with me and I would be happy (possibly) for you to join.

OK.
I AM FINISHED WITH YOU.

OMG

A Perfect Circle's cover of John Lennon's Imagine just gave me a b*ner!
cause it's really very good

Adam and Heather's newest video!

The Beckhams in America

w/ Eli Newell; Shot by Dan Zimmer, edited by Ed Mundy; w/ help from Stephen
Fagen & Yasmina Jacobs

August Street Meat TONIGHT!

HELLO EVERYONE!

Street Meat is a monthly show where comedians perform in character as
street performers/vendors/personalities, produced and hosted by Adam
Newman and Heather Fink. This month's show is FREE, and features:

- Ann Carr (UCB, Comedy Central's Motherload)
- Bob Acevedo (Magnet Theatre)
- Mike Dobbins (Magnet Theatre)
- live music after the show by Wine is Thicker Than Blood
- (CORRECTION - Sara is sick! Murderfist will fill in with comic duties) Sara Benincasa (Tub Talk, Nerve.com)

AND a new video - that actually stars people instead of meats!
w/ Eli Newell;
Shot by Dan Zimmer, edited by Ed Mundy; w/ help from Stephen Fagen & Yasmina Jacobs

Monday, August 13 @ 8pm | 152 Ludlow (btwn Stanton and Rivington)

Come early and see sketch group MurderFist at 7pm - with 2 for 1 drinks!

www.StreetMeatComedy.com

I got a positivity infection in my brains!

I am like so full of energy lately I think I fart excitement. And if you see me lately you will see that yes I am a spaz.


I basically have a position where I'm doing exactly what I want at a company that is just impressing the crap out of me moment by moment. We even played real adult style poker at the company picnic and I won the monies! (we played for small amounts of money - poker is fun and I like the chips)
And yes, I am being compensated enough that I feel like a fancy pants grown up.

I can't even tell you how nice it feels to be in this position in comparison to my memorable low moments.

I remember sitting in my hotel room in LA during the gay adult convention, crying to myself while my (yes lovable and I adore him in spite of everything) slavedriver boss Michael yelled at me about working harder when all I wanted was a day off. And there were all these icky very unglamorous p*rn fans there and I kept holding back my vom at some of the nastiness I witnessed (LA is gross and working in the NY studio was far more professional an environment). It was September '06 and I was looking at my life, law school dropout now working in adult? Sure it was in the office, not in front of the camera, but still. I thought maybe I had made the wrong decision, tarnished myself and became unhireable. And at the time I just hated my standup and felt talentless. I didn't see a light at the end of the tunnel and I just felt like a complete failure.

That's just about a year ago and right now I feel monumentally amazing in all ways. I am sure that something will come out of the blue and humble me, putting me in my place. I'm actually scared and paranoid of it! I feel so freaking fortunate in life I feel like it's really important to make sure I deserve it so I want to balance it out by being super nice, giving a lot to people (which I'd wanna do anyways) and working extra hard. It takes the burden off feeling too privileged I think. Because I do. I feel so fucking lucky. I love my friends, I love pursuing my comedy dreams, I love my apartment, and I love my job. Surely I'm going to need to do some serious giving, niceness, and general philanthropy to deserve any of it. And I guess I am just saying this not to pat myself on the back, but in response to the newness of newfound success.

Ok, I'm doing the open mike at UCB tonight (Gutbucket) it's midnight. Perhaps the crowd will give me the lashing for which I am due ... or you! Wanna give me some hatemail? Berateful comments? I'm game.

Interview on Pulp Secret

Insight to my comic book dork-ness

I love my new Motorola Q! I once had the latest Treo smartphone and that sucked major balls compared to this thing! It's addictively fun to play with and so far at least I recommend it to everyone. One thing I am concerned about is that I actually don't want to be able to check my email all the time. I'm addicted to it as it is - so to be able to really know every time I get a new one ... well I just like being unleashed from time to time. I suppose I'll just have to exercise discipline.

Showed the Dutch relatives around NYC yesterday. Happy I wasn't working cause we drove everywhere and I avoided the flooded subways.

Wow this is like so boring. Gotta do something about it.

ROCK AND ROLL PUPPY ROCK AND ROLL PUPPY

yeah.

i can has drama acting

I'm a comedian and I don't pursue non-comedic acting, but if a good friend offers me a good role, I'll take it. Judy Klass wrote the incredibly complex and intelligent script, Damage Control, about 2 dueling Senate campains. I play the Democratic campaign manager, and I've begun a romance with the Republican campaign manager. Here we have a conflict of interests.

I talk too fast sometimes so sorry on that- but this was a very verbose and challenging script! Anyhow, see me do some drama. There's a big fat monologue about my (character's) love for Bill Clinton. (I love him too)

Performed at the Producer's Club in Times Square 11/2004 right before the election.
Co-starring Brad Letson who you can currently catch in Shear Madness at the Kennedy Center. More info on Judy Klass: www.judyklass.com

YAY

I gotta new job with more monies and it's with smart and nice people and it's doing basically what I do now but more managering and it's located in SoHo which is the best ever!

YAYAYYAYAYAY

1.18.08

Ok, so this is the poster for the new JJ Abrams movie that's been filming in my neighborhood, 1-18-08. And the thing is that it looks exciting, but the damn head of the Statue of Liberty has exploded off into the streets of New York, smashing the city and killing innocent lives. Is this what people want? Is this what they are into? Seeing New York getting totally destroyed? I like New York and human lives so much, they're my fave! But there's people out there getting really excited over this movie. I don't know, I don't understand it. But I do know this, it looks great.



Oh, also, for my GW classmates, notice the voice in this trailer is TJ Miller, my former college theatre classmate and also comedian (small world), TJ is kicking major ass as far as getting himself on the screen- damn son, you go gurl!

COMEDY DUO

My friends are cooler than yours unless you're friends with Suzanne Summers. I think she's got that special something.

Hey. Today is not about me, OK?
I wanna tell you about some fantastic-type people I know and their fantastic type things.


My friend Neil Janowitz is an ESPN Sports writer/entertainer. I hate sports so much but I like Neil's clips. He's done fun stuff like spring training for a pro team or something like that. Also, he animated meats. U NO HOW I DO GURL!
See:
- Running with the Meat
- The Unnatural
- and he did some cute video with kids in it, Neil where's the link? Gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff. (update, here it is! Neil and some lil kids)
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My talented friend and cameraman for my upcoming videos (who you may also know as my friendly rooftop bartender) Dan Zimmer has an upcoming show of his photography at this great spot on the LES, Jadis.
Daniel Zimmer's Night gallery is opening at
Jadis Winebar, 42 Rivington, NYC
** August 7th at 7pm ***
"For 4 years Daniel Zimmer has been challenging the idea of what constitutes a photograph. Utilizing digital technology his work seeks to expand the boundaries of the captured image by using groundbreaking techniques in alternative environments. Currently a resident of New York city, his search for exceptional images has taken him from his Northern California hometown of Santa Rosa to far off destinations such as Cambodia and Tierra Del Fuego in Argentina. To see more visit his website at www.danzim.com "
And if you befriend him, he'll email you pictures from time to time like the one on the left.
------------------------------


Friend sandwich! Here Jake Goldman (and Dan Leif) guest star in mah friend's Olde English's super funny sketch, The Stakeout. Jake is in the blue shirt.
Jake Goldman is both a comedian and my coworker. I pay him big compliments that make him feel awkward because he doesn't know how to respond. Like that I think he's my favorite undiscovered comedian in NYC. It's true! You can check out his new show at Rififi on Saturdays in August at 8pm, "Barrett and Goldman Present". Adam and I are on his show August 11. He has started writing in his blog again and you should check it out. It makes me laugh very much. It was also nominated for "best humor blog" at the bloggies ooooh!
-> Jake's blog: www.internetdogfist.com/ I especially like the sketches.
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David Wolkin, Is doing a reading at Inner Monologues
Wednesday, August 8th, at 7:30PM
In the downstairs dining room at Mo Pitkin's (Ave A btw 2nd and 3rd)
The theme: Seeing Red
He is a deeply sensitive, silly, and wonderful man.
One time, I sat on David like so ---->
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Super talented fashion guru friend Carissa put me in her fashion show one time and then my picture ended up in Elle Magazine! But every day the lovely, smart, and fascinating ladies known as Sara Copeland and Claudia Lopez grace the Mandate of Heaven Mansion wearing Carissa's designs. It's really quite spectacular.

Claudia (black hair) and Carissa (blonde).


And miss Sara Copeland.
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These are my other friends, Ross and Rachel. They always make me feel romantic. So then I go touch myself. Ew! Not. I don't even have privates. Lost them in hand to hand fist combat in Nam.

I am a dork.

Now let's make this banal statement meaningful.
I'm not using the word in a cute, fashionable way that evokes insincere relateablity. I am not trying to arouse that sense of not fitting in and begrudging awkwardness that plays a close neighbor with the word.

I mean that I think I've figured out precisely what dorkiness is, and I'm pretty sure that I embody that. Maybe you do too.

Dorkiness means unhidden enthusiasm.
Genuine love for the things around you.
Expression of this love at the expense of your own protection. By protection I mean putting yourself out there - the sort of expression that allows criticism and ridicule in.

So by all practical purposes, I've been questioning the uneasy awareness I've developed of my own intensely dorky ways. For one, I love so many people and so many things. I want to share them, talk about them, get excited, know all that I can about everything. And then I want to blog about it, post a myspace bulletin, or maybe I dunno, email the shit out of people. It's enthusiasm that is scoffed at, hidden, and seen as so uncool. But I can't help it! Sorry if it makes you uncomfortable. NOT.

In a modern time where the computer is the province of fashion. Where apple logos are elite, and html is the short hand of social network socialization, I wonder what has happened to the meaning of dork.

Certainly, I should not be so cool. And don't kid yourself people, I'm pretty damn cool. Don't even get me started on Comic Books, Steve Jobs, and my new Panasonic DVX100b, or the future of the internet and it's affect on popular culture. 30,000 bitches should be up to my nuts in beer at a frat house right now because of how cool I am, right?

I really think I ought to be given a wedgie - and someone - at the very least - should be stealing my lunch right now.

Perhaps I'm too busy hiding in beer drinking and american apparel for anyone to notice.
What a shame. Ted McGinley- you know where to find me.