It's time! But before I go, I should leave you with two very important things.
Must have sound on.
and
Robert Deniro and Gerard Depardooo getting H Jobs from a nice French lady (NSFW!!!)
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
the time for fancy eyeballs is now
Yesterday I went eyeglass shopping with my wonderful, perfect, award-winning gay, Stephen. It was actually pretty fun. We went to many stores, but I found 2 frames I loved at Sol Moscot:
From Lafont
From Gucci
I went with the Gucci ones because I always wanted cool plastic frames and these really looked hots on me. Plus I feel very sophisticated NY style like I am an adult. It's all a part of my new black berry having, gym attending, mutual fund investing adult self. If Barbie invested in mutual funds, she'd wear these glasses and have a pink Blackberry Curve too. God, isn't Barbie so great? Barbie embodies all of these unhealthy ideals for women to aspire to, but putting those little plastic shoes on her was so fun. I loved making her dresses shorter and she would always make out with Ken and Derrick. She had so much fun. She let me draw on her with marker. She loved it.
Anyways. I loved the Lafont frames, but thought they weren't quite my personality. They made me look really French and bookish. I am Dutch and harsh. To look so gentle and waify in those pretty lavender frames would have been a misrepresentation of the harpy-like beast inside.
Anyways I loved the people at Sol Moscot on Delancey. It's this cool mom and pop style really old store that's been around forever. There were all of these delightful characters there, they even offered to let me film comedy videos in there! So I'm gonna write something set in an eyeglasses store soon.
And Stephen bought these great looking frames from fancy Oliver Peoples. When we were in there Tyler Florence was too. I love him on the Food Channel and think he's cute. But then he started staring at me. Like crazy, like it was weird and made me feel shy and giggle and he kept doing it! I didn't say anything to him because that would be too scary. But all that purposeful eye contact was a bit much. I was in my dirty gym clothes so I wasn't looking my best. He was probably captivated by my beautiful soul.
From Lafont
From Gucci
I went with the Gucci ones because I always wanted cool plastic frames and these really looked hots on me. Plus I feel very sophisticated NY style like I am an adult. It's all a part of my new black berry having, gym attending, mutual fund investing adult self. If Barbie invested in mutual funds, she'd wear these glasses and have a pink Blackberry Curve too. God, isn't Barbie so great? Barbie embodies all of these unhealthy ideals for women to aspire to, but putting those little plastic shoes on her was so fun. I loved making her dresses shorter and she would always make out with Ken and Derrick. She had so much fun. She let me draw on her with marker. She loved it.
Anyways. I loved the Lafont frames, but thought they weren't quite my personality. They made me look really French and bookish. I am Dutch and harsh. To look so gentle and waify in those pretty lavender frames would have been a misrepresentation of the harpy-like beast inside.
Anyways I loved the people at Sol Moscot on Delancey. It's this cool mom and pop style really old store that's been around forever. There were all of these delightful characters there, they even offered to let me film comedy videos in there! So I'm gonna write something set in an eyeglasses store soon.
And Stephen bought these great looking frames from fancy Oliver Peoples. When we were in there Tyler Florence was too. I love him on the Food Channel and think he's cute. But then he started staring at me. Like crazy, like it was weird and made me feel shy and giggle and he kept doing it! I didn't say anything to him because that would be too scary. But all that purposeful eye contact was a bit much. I was in my dirty gym clothes so I wasn't looking my best. He was probably captivated by my beautiful soul.
Monday, September 24, 2007
remainders
- Peed in a sink this weekend, a beautiful sink in a beautiful kitchen in a beautiful apartment with a beautiful roof. Is Adam C's fault. He peer pressured me into it and the sink was really tempting and looked like it wanted me to do it. Got caught by party host. Felt very embarrassed and ashamed. Dan G said that I am unruly. I sent them a "sorry I peed in your sink" gift basket. I hope they liked it. They and their sink didn't deserve it. Even though the sink wanted it. Naughty bad bad sink.
- Brad Pitt and Marky Mark are gonna star in a movie directed by Aronofsky - where they play fighters! SHIRTLESS oooh yeah shirts off COOL TIMES everybody get out the balloons and celebrate
- Brian K Vaughan is cool. MTV decided so.
- I think it is incredible that this Iranian president with the long name is engaged in dialog with his enemy. It's a fantastically human moment, a sign of the times. Yes, he is and does evil things- but the willingness to be called into question candidly, the voluntary exposure to public critism ... Bush picks and chooses who he lets in on Press Conferences. These foreign countries who hate America and Bush's actions will never have the opportunity to question Bush as we are questioning the Iranian president. I don't agree with the man. Honestly I can't decipher enemy from ally because I can't decipher truth from propaganda in world politics. I don't really know what who said and what they meant or did because I know that news is manipulated. Perhaps this man is purely evil. I can't help but feel it is a great step in international diplomacy for a hated world leader to open themselves up to critical dialog on enemy turf. It's extremely civilized and progressive.
Normally we experience the same ol shit from the same old suits who are inherently flawed because they are human like those who they govern. But every now and then I think something real actually happens.
Sometimes I forget how much it will mean to me if Hillary is elected. I remember standing in front of my mirror when I was a little girl. I think I was about 12 or something. I had on my mother's suit jacket and was pretending to be the President of the United States. And then I looked at myself. My face, my long hair. And I knew that this is not what a President looks like. I will never be President.
Sometimes I see that in the mirror too when I think of comedy. This is not what a comedian looks like. I think I am supposed to wear sneakers and be all laid back I don't even care style. And true enough I'll be told, "you don't look like a comedian."
But I am one.
- Brad Pitt and Marky Mark are gonna star in a movie directed by Aronofsky - where they play fighters! SHIRTLESS oooh yeah shirts off COOL TIMES everybody get out the balloons and celebrate
- Brian K Vaughan is cool. MTV decided so.
- I think it is incredible that this Iranian president with the long name is engaged in dialog with his enemy. It's a fantastically human moment, a sign of the times. Yes, he is and does evil things- but the willingness to be called into question candidly, the voluntary exposure to public critism ... Bush picks and chooses who he lets in on Press Conferences. These foreign countries who hate America and Bush's actions will never have the opportunity to question Bush as we are questioning the Iranian president. I don't agree with the man. Honestly I can't decipher enemy from ally because I can't decipher truth from propaganda in world politics. I don't really know what who said and what they meant or did because I know that news is manipulated. Perhaps this man is purely evil. I can't help but feel it is a great step in international diplomacy for a hated world leader to open themselves up to critical dialog on enemy turf. It's extremely civilized and progressive.
Normally we experience the same ol shit from the same old suits who are inherently flawed because they are human like those who they govern. But every now and then I think something real actually happens.
Sometimes I forget how much it will mean to me if Hillary is elected. I remember standing in front of my mirror when I was a little girl. I think I was about 12 or something. I had on my mother's suit jacket and was pretending to be the President of the United States. And then I looked at myself. My face, my long hair. And I knew that this is not what a President looks like. I will never be President.
Sometimes I see that in the mirror too when I think of comedy. This is not what a comedian looks like. I think I am supposed to wear sneakers and be all laid back I don't even care style. And true enough I'll be told, "you don't look like a comedian."
But I am one.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
hey pint of ice cream
it was nice being with you for a couple days
you dont exist anymore
i miss you
your amazing little swiss chocolate almonds
like i said
i miss you
you dont exist anymore
i miss you
your amazing little swiss chocolate almonds
like i said
i miss you
Friday, September 21, 2007
DAMN BITCHES AINT U EVA HAD NO ROASTED EGGPLANT B4?! wtf
Dudes. Listen here. I had a night with some ladies last night. We were uber better than you going to this book signing party at some hip Dumbo loft space and then jetting back to Manhatts to have drinks and foods at Lil Frankies on 1st and 1st. I love me some squashes and eggplant. When I'm feeling annoying and childlike and there's squash at the ready, I grab the squash real hard and say "I'M SQUISHING THIS SQUASH" and then I attract friends. But that's not what this, all of this here, is all about.
What I'm trying to say is that Lil Frankies has this amazing dish of Roasted Eggplant, off their spit fire, when sliced open the insides melt like heavenly melted things. It's warm solidified heaven globs. I ordered a side of tomato sauce with mine because I always lust after tomato. I can't be near italian food, sunshine, wine, mexican restaurants, or human beings without starting to crave tomato products. I'm sharing this with you so that you'll get to know me better. Know about me and tomato and all of the emotional baggage that comes with it.
That eggplant was good.
So was my company. NYC has the best ladies inside it.
Not the best gents though. The weirdo catcallers were going mad last night. I got my ass palmed by an argumentative homeless dude who denied palming it after I was all like "woah don't touch my ass" and a fellow who told me that my shoes were perfect for people who are into ladies walking on them, explaining repeatedly "no, really, people will pay for that", and finally a young fellow who yelled as I was at the ATM "Girl I wanna buy you a non-alcoholic drink." which turned into
me - no thank you
him- no really baby please please please
me- uh, sorry no, I'm crossing the street now
(waiting to cross the street, he comes up real close)
him- I just, I just really want to ... can't we talk, and I buy you this drink
me- It's not going to happen.
him- but
me- Please stop. I'm going to go now.
He really really wanted me to have some snapples I guess. I don't want any snapples.
What I'm trying to say is that Lil Frankies has this amazing dish of Roasted Eggplant, off their spit fire, when sliced open the insides melt like heavenly melted things. It's warm solidified heaven globs. I ordered a side of tomato sauce with mine because I always lust after tomato. I can't be near italian food, sunshine, wine, mexican restaurants, or human beings without starting to crave tomato products. I'm sharing this with you so that you'll get to know me better. Know about me and tomato and all of the emotional baggage that comes with it.
That eggplant was good.
So was my company. NYC has the best ladies inside it.
Not the best gents though. The weirdo catcallers were going mad last night. I got my ass palmed by an argumentative homeless dude who denied palming it after I was all like "woah don't touch my ass" and a fellow who told me that my shoes were perfect for people who are into ladies walking on them, explaining repeatedly "no, really, people will pay for that", and finally a young fellow who yelled as I was at the ATM "Girl I wanna buy you a non-alcoholic drink." which turned into
me - no thank you
him- no really baby please please please
me- uh, sorry no, I'm crossing the street now
(waiting to cross the street, he comes up real close)
him- I just, I just really want to ... can't we talk, and I buy you this drink
me- It's not going to happen.
him- but
me- Please stop. I'm going to go now.
He really really wanted me to have some snapples I guess. I don't want any snapples.
Georgia shows next weekend
I have these big shows in Georgia coming up which are going to be unlike any type of show I've done before. For this show in Atlanta, we are performing at their big Improv Theatre, Relapse. At that show I'm gonna do standup and a character.
The big evente is performing at 40 Watt in Athens GA, a legendary spot that's big as Bowery Ballroom or Webster Hall types of spaces. We are sharing that night with some bands. We will be showing videos, have some banter, do standup, and characters there.
And finally we are performing at "Secret Squirrel" in Athens GA, some big hipster party with performance at it. We'll be showing video and doing standup.
It's weird timing because I've been in a weird place with my standup for a while now. I like telling stories, doing weird characters, relating with audiences about obscure things. I really like trying something new or different. But I'm just not that into some of my jokes. I love writing sketches and videos and performing characters. Specifically I'm into characters when it comes to improv.
It's just- when I'm on that stage, taking your time, allowing words to come out of my mouth and the spotlight to highlight my every move- I need to be showing you something that's great in some way. Maybe it's just a completely different way of looking at things, bizarre, and really a balance of originality and humor. That's what I want from my material, and I'm not the comedian I want to be yet. For right now it's about challenging myself and being out of safety and comfort zones. It's kind of difficult pushing myself out of easy situations but, well, I .... I prefer to suffer humiliation than sitting around experiencing something ordinary.
And that might explain a lot about me. What with all of the humiliation and all.
The big evente is performing at 40 Watt in Athens GA, a legendary spot that's big as Bowery Ballroom or Webster Hall types of spaces. We are sharing that night with some bands. We will be showing videos, have some banter, do standup, and characters there.
And finally we are performing at "Secret Squirrel" in Athens GA, some big hipster party with performance at it. We'll be showing video and doing standup.
It's weird timing because I've been in a weird place with my standup for a while now. I like telling stories, doing weird characters, relating with audiences about obscure things. I really like trying something new or different. But I'm just not that into some of my jokes. I love writing sketches and videos and performing characters. Specifically I'm into characters when it comes to improv.
It's just- when I'm on that stage, taking your time, allowing words to come out of my mouth and the spotlight to highlight my every move- I need to be showing you something that's great in some way. Maybe it's just a completely different way of looking at things, bizarre, and really a balance of originality and humor. That's what I want from my material, and I'm not the comedian I want to be yet. For right now it's about challenging myself and being out of safety and comfort zones. It's kind of difficult pushing myself out of easy situations but, well, I .... I prefer to suffer humiliation than sitting around experiencing something ordinary.
And that might explain a lot about me. What with all of the humiliation and all.
very cool comic book time
A frame hidden in the 300 trailer from the upcoming Watchmen movie. Here's Rorschach with a comedian pin.
For those of you who don't know the story- the casting is really interesting. Billy Crudup is playing Dr Manhattan- an emotionless, cold, blue non-human. He's a good guy but he's perfect and inhuman. The other casting choices are interesting too - all great actors. But that one stands out to me the most.
I've been reading The Punisher by Ennis. Punisher is a complex character that is full of well directed murderous rage. So it's a very dark type of tale. Our hero is deeply flawed. And I started reading Marvel's Punisher War Journal from the Civil War series. It's too light and fluffy for Punisher. I don't feel like the writer is capable of capturing the sophisticated nature of Punisher's personal conflicts. Kinda like it's trying too hard. Comic books often have a lot of machismo and rough situations. It takes a great deal of skill from the writer to honestly deal with all of this. That's why I wasn't into Transmetropolitan. I thought the writer tried too hard to be badass it wasn't authentic.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Kanye West's catchy new song Drunk and Hot Girls claims that "we go through too much bullshit just to mess with these drunk and hot girls."
Seriously Kanye? Your beef is with drunk hot girls?
Drunk hot people are a generous gift from god.
More likely bjs and "I normally wouldn't do this, but ..."
Kanye, you're jaded and ungrateful for life's small fortunes.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
unique new york
"there's these super skinny girls at my work and all they do is talk about cupcakes, like seriously 3 conversations about cupcakes and cupcake places already in one week" - my roommate
Sunday, September 16, 2007
next
I think I was raised in an incredible place with and by incredible people. Going home was a weird adventure. There was a big crowd but they were very loud so it was hard, nearly impossible, to do our show as planned. But those who heard smiled and laughed. My mom danced to hip hop. I saw my family members laugh and have a good time. I appreciated how great the people I grew up with are. It feels like the rough spots have cemented themselves firmly in the past, a smoothed out base.
Next, Georgia shows, 2 in Athens GA and 1 in Atlanta; I start up UCB classes after thinking about taking them for about 10 years; and I plan to start filming a new episodic comedy series next month. That's all I'll say for now, but I'm into what comes next. Hope to keep you wanting more.
Friday, September 14, 2007
inane essential
- Dane Cook has a new song out called "Forward" that is not intentionally funny.
- My friend, Miss Sara Copeland is fashionable at all costs.
- Michael Lucas is quoted in the New York Times
- Kanye wanted an MTV award and didn't get one.
- Chumley's will reopen in October!
- Preview of Showalter's new comedy album
Some of NYC's most lovable comics made some webvideos that made me laugh:
- Man on the Street
- Youtube War
- Funsquad
- Chelsea Peretti's All My Exes Episode 1
And finally on Britney:
- Her weirdly immobile performance is really fun to watch. I like the song and the way she saunters about in her underpants. I'd say that Brit and I have similar bodies - as we are both unfit and curvy and white and all- but I am a real people. Not a people on a tv getting paid to look and be better than you people. The people do not want to see that.
- My friend, Miss Sara Copeland is fashionable at all costs.
- Michael Lucas is quoted in the New York Times
- Kanye wanted an MTV award and didn't get one.
- Chumley's will reopen in October!
- Preview of Showalter's new comedy album
Some of NYC's most lovable comics made some webvideos that made me laugh:
- Man on the Street
- Youtube War
- Funsquad
- Chelsea Peretti's All My Exes Episode 1
And finally on Britney:
- Her weirdly immobile performance is really fun to watch. I like the song and the way she saunters about in her underpants. I'd say that Brit and I have similar bodies - as we are both unfit and curvy and white and all- but I am a real people. Not a people on a tv getting paid to look and be better than you people. The people do not want to see that.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
I'm performing at home in front of my parents and my friends parents and my childhood friends and stuff holy crap
seriously
I'm performing on a so much fun show this Saturday September 15th in Suburban New Jersey at the fun town bar. It's lake front, ooooh.
9pm
The Black River Barn
1178 Route 10 West
ROXBURY NJ (technically in Randolph though)
View Larger Map
woah
There's gonna be all this great stuff on the show!
HEATHER FINK (me) is co-hosting with Mr ADAM NEWMAN, you will like him. He is very funny, rather slender, good at playing guitar, safe around pets and children, and he picks up after himself.
with special guests:
- JOHN F O DONNELL who is a very funny standup comedian from Rockaway NJ and he didn't update his myspace with this gig but that is because he is a major fucking asshole (jk, he's lovable!)
- THE LOBELLO BROTHERS who will be playing some music, and are also very funny and some of the silliest people I know. These are the boys I grew up with who taught me to wrestle, break stuff, and fart on people and things. They have like seriously no web presence. It is their tragic flaw.
- MIKE ROSE AND GAVIN who are a comedy duo. Mike and I were in ceramics class at Roxbury High School and he always made me laugh. I like to believe it was a Freaks and Geeks sort of vibe. He lives in Brooklyn and does standup in the city these days, sometimes with Gavin. Oh and did I mention that he is currently making his brain into a doctor at MED school!?
- SUB COLITION who are a hip hop group with an excellent web presence. Scotty B is a part of this group. We went to high school together too. He was kinda shy but always sweet. I'm excited to see him and his peeps throw it down. Plus I listened to their music on their website and it was makin me feel all dance in the pants.
I'm performing on a so much fun show this Saturday September 15th in Suburban New Jersey at the fun town bar. It's lake front, ooooh.
9pm
The Black River Barn
1178 Route 10 West
ROXBURY NJ (technically in Randolph though)
View Larger Map
woah
There's gonna be all this great stuff on the show!
HEATHER FINK (me) is co-hosting with Mr ADAM NEWMAN, you will like him. He is very funny, rather slender, good at playing guitar, safe around pets and children, and he picks up after himself.
with special guests:
- JOHN F O DONNELL who is a very funny standup comedian from Rockaway NJ and he didn't update his myspace with this gig but that is because he is a major fucking asshole (jk, he's lovable!)
- THE LOBELLO BROTHERS who will be playing some music, and are also very funny and some of the silliest people I know. These are the boys I grew up with who taught me to wrestle, break stuff, and fart on people and things. They have like seriously no web presence. It is their tragic flaw.
- MIKE ROSE AND GAVIN who are a comedy duo. Mike and I were in ceramics class at Roxbury High School and he always made me laugh. I like to believe it was a Freaks and Geeks sort of vibe. He lives in Brooklyn and does standup in the city these days, sometimes with Gavin. Oh and did I mention that he is currently making his brain into a doctor at MED school!?
- SUB COLITION who are a hip hop group with an excellent web presence. Scotty B is a part of this group. We went to high school together too. He was kinda shy but always sweet. I'm excited to see him and his peeps throw it down. Plus I listened to their music on their website and it was makin me feel all dance in the pants.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
why not forget?
it's not like we ever will
it hurt
it hurts whenever we really remember
only dickheads are into this
it hurt
it hurts whenever we really remember
only dickheads are into this
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Monday Sept 10 fun show for you to go to
Adam and I are presenting to you "Adam and Heather" for the very first time right here in NYC. Expect a mix of standup, video, banter, n other stuffs.
Joining us on the stage are:
- Greg and Lou (Conan, HBO Aspen, Hammerkatz)
- I Eat Pandas (UCB)
- with an evening music party from aka Chicago
Opening musical act at 8: A Bit Farther West
Monday September 10
Cake Shop @ 152 Ludlow
NEW TIME -> 8:30 pm
FREE
You should go to the show if you like enjoying life.
Friday, September 07, 2007
gentle disobedience
I paid a NYC parking ticket today.
In the memo portion of the check I wrote "Parking Tickets Suck Balls".
HA
that will show them
In the memo portion of the check I wrote "Parking Tickets Suck Balls".
HA
that will show them
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Sunday, September 02, 2007
Sometimes when allow yourself to think about it, all that stuff between men and women, and your past, the things that have happened to you, the things you've done with other people, all that time that's passed, the things you've felt, the people you've felt it with, when you exist most of the time putting it out of your mind, it feels very heavy.
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