Wednesday, December 31, 2008

You did your best 2008

Best Movies I Saw This Year (on DVD or in Theatres)
- The Wackness
- Wristcutters
- Pineapple Express
- Dark Knight
- A Guide to Recognizing your Saints
- Teeth
- Funny Games

- The Wrestler - really unoriginal, too predicable, cheaply shot. Well acted though.
- Juno - I don't get why people like this turdbasket.

Still really want to see
- Role Models


Favorite stuff I put into my ipod this year
- Sigur Ros
- Silversun Pickups
- Portishead - a favorite band of all time finally released new stuff!
- Deerhunter/ Atlas Sound
- Autolux
- Beatles White Album
- Jesu

I'm experiencing valuable transitions. I'll show you the fruits of my labor in 2009. But not in 2010, that's the year I go into my space pod.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Favorite thing

right now
Howard and Leslie
created by Donald Glover, who basically does everything right, because he is hilarious and talented.

And it's my favorite thing right now not only because I like those videos, but also because it taught me about

My friends Evan, Stephen, and I took turns making this video:


And if you make one of these videos, please place a link to your video in the comments below, thanks :)

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

In this crazy new economy

unconventional seems to help.

I was featured in this article on Silicon Alley Insider (Silicon Alley is NYC's tech community, like Cali's Valley). It's already done a lot of good and I've gotten some great feedback from potential employers. Now first - to you, um - HEY! Check out this recommendation my last boss wrote about me (posted on LinkedIn):
"Heather possesses a unique combination of talents. She is detail oriented yet “gets” the big picture strategy; creative yet business savvy. She is highly in tune with popular culture, has an amazing grasp of creative skills (especially writing & blogging) and a warm co-worker. She is an asset to any organization and can apply herself successfully to a variety of disciplines without missing a beat." December 3, 2008
Mitch Rotter , SVP Content Acquisition & Strategy , Thumbplay, Inc.
managed Heather at Thumbplay

So, um ... not bad eh? How's about some sweet sweet employment?

And PS that silly picture of me with the wineglass was taken by the talented Kate Schafer in the year 2005.

PPS - I'm siiiiick. Gross.

Saw some Yo la Tengo Last night

And there was a moment that made it all worthwhile. Go to 8:34 to see a man play a guitar with great incredibleness. The audio quality isn't great here, so you can listen to the track below

PS - If you'd prefer my website with bacon on the side, click here.

Monday, December 22, 2008


I find this image especially upsetting and now I'm sharing it with you.

America's First Gay President Concludes Historic Second Term
Sometimes the Onion is still really funny.

Being seeing lots of these as I have more free time.


Saw Scott Walker documentary on Sunday in some very comfortable seats at the IFC theatre. Fascinating man, well done movie.

sucked! Sucked.

Disappointing, goes nowhere/aimless

Meh, like those National Treasure/Nicholas Cage books better, and as for Holy Grail Stories, the comic book Preacher did it better.

Awesome, Almodovar is a masterful filmmaker. (Had only seen Volver before, loved that too.)

Even more awesome, Almodovar knows how to make a complete and compelling film complete with strong story, suspense, intelligence, and engaging characters. He also uses rich colors and vibrant textures. But what's with all the trannies?

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Stuff I did

Sure, there's a million things to do. I made lists, so I'm certain of it.
But jobless days without regimented purpose wear thin.

There's also a list of great fun things to do, and I'm not getting up off my ass to do them. On purpose. The slow slug is dragging me cement like into stillness and that's not something I can tolerate for so many hours in a row.

I've had spikes of great productivity. Wrote a big thing I can't tell you about.

And I really haven't felt like blogging lately. This is kind of a bleak week. Is it ok if I just go half assed and list stuff I did?

Yes, it is.
- Was an extra on Gossip Girl. Being an extra sucks butts, but it was cool to see all of those actors on set.
- Was a guest on Sara B's 3rd Gossip Girl Summit. That's always a lot of fun. You gotsta go to a future one.
- Did Standup on Sunday night for the first time since September. Dreaded it but it was a great show and great crowd. Made me feel better.
- Saw Lou Reed speak. Learned that he's the kind of guy who will totally kick your ass for any reason.
- Went to the Spotted Pig for the first time - their burger is the best tasting meat-wise that I've had.
- Made chicken livers and one of them turned green when I cooked it. Internet said it was bile, threw it out. Totally gross.

Here's an old Lou Reed interview:

It's pretty good.
Pretty snow is the most romantic thing.
Although I can try and ignore that when performing ordinary activities.

Friday, December 12, 2008

NEW VIDEO: Beavis and Butthead Interview 2008

My first video with My Damn Channel! They were wonderful to work with. Here's their blog about it.

Written/Directed by Heather Fink

Beavis - Eric Slovin
Butthead - Leo Allen
Dana Foyer - Heather Fink

Cameras - Paul Rondeau and Mark Miller
Editor - Ed Mundy
Makeup - Ruth Fernandez

Produced by My Damn Channel

PS - Check out this logo by Dave Franzese!

Monday, December 08, 2008

The Right Tools.

couple things worth mentioning:
This thing is making my life great. It does what the others haven't done before.

Now I'm eating soup and wearing my fleece outfit with the footies. And I like it!

The artwork of Valerie Hegarty:

click to see more

"Frank Sinatra's "My Way" has reportedly generated so many outbursts of hostility that some bars in the Philippines now do not offer it on the karaoke menu anymore." read more

Really well done movie. I liked it. A solid success.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

We are experiencing good things. At least moderately so, which works.

Time to look at a picture of Italian Amaretti Cookies and think about how good they taste and also think about their pleasing texture ...
Done. 2 hours well spent!

Been enjoying punching my fists around the apartment in my Unemployment Outfit which is versitile as it can also be used while employed.

I feel really good right now.
- Unemployment has been a lot about reaching out to people. I'm being reminded how valuable and wonderful the people I know are. I feel lucky to know them. Putting yourself out there makes a difference. And to whoever is hiding in dark corners of curmudgenly resistance (the 'i don't have a myspace' type person) - well. I guess that's ok but this works for me.

- Potential employers have said positive things during interviews that make me feel like a more worthwhile person, who yes, does have skills and experience!

- There actually are jobs out there. Good jobs. Didn't get them yet but I saw much evidence as to their existence.

Ok mostly that. But it's a much greater experience to be interviewing now vs out of college when I had to try very hard to convince people I was qualified. More and moreso each month, 27 feels different and new. All around me, signs are pointing and telling me that my life is changing (aging) and I think it's not going to suck.

- Janie Marshall's Intelegance
- Billy Scafuri
- Dan Zimmer and Nick Kaye's new music video Melodic "Ride On"

(is a turn on)
- World Championship Steak Cookoff
- Kermit Singing LCD soundsystem

Street Meat is having a special 2 year anniversary show on
SATURDAY Jan 10th!!!
PARTY HARD - a saturday show means more fucking so total like, you know.

ALSO STANDUP - doing what I would consider *rare* as I'm doing less standup lately - December 14th - performing at Paris Commune. West Village, a Sunday evening - this show always has a nice lineup and cosy atmosphere ...

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

NY Post: The Face of Unemployment!

Enjoy the first picture "frowny I'm-really-poor-now" face
and the second picture (when you click through) "I'm holding somebody's empty wallet" face!

If you pick up a copy of the NY Post today and turn to page 41, DO NOT BE ALARMED. My mouth has not actually turned green and there are not actual growths on it.

It seems that all copies have a big green nastiness over my lips and it looks totally gross. Rest assured I was actually wearing a light pink lip gloss.

Also - friends, please don't hate me for how I was quoted! You are all good friends, and I don't expect anything from you. I was asked "are your friends buying you things" and I was like "no, I wouldn't mind a few beers" etc ... and asked questions about how I spend my money now vs before.

And the wonderful Stephen Fagen is the one who helped me do my laundry. We discovered however that dropoff service is so cheap in my part of town it's not much more expensive than doing it myself. That was a nice discovery.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

This is my Unemployment outfit!

My roommate got me this one in leopard print, and hers is in the zebra stripes.
It's fleece. I'm wearing mine right now and applying to jobs and finishing my grad school application.

Monday, November 24, 2008

yes you can send hams to do bacon jobs

If you are trying to save money, sometimes hams can be bacons. You don't need ham and bacons.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

OMG Obama picked me for his cabinet!

It's pretty cool, but I feel like changing the subject.

Here you can have this lovely song - Mogwai - Auto Rock.

Today my high school boyfriend sent me this video from times of mischief. We were part of the group that got taken into the police station for trying to view the haunted house on friday the 13th, August 1999. Those darn angry nuns. They made us pay $2000 and we didn't even get to see the house :(

Jeff Fasano took my picture when I was working at CMJ.
Jeff Fasano took my picture when I was working at CMJ.

Jeff Fasano took my picture when I was working at CMJ.

And yesterday I took way too much pleasure in making and giving a box full of mashed potatoes for a birthday present. Yes yes I gave a "real" gift after that. But the potatoes! They're in a present box! OMG.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Some important stuff I've learned now that I've been unemployed for a couple days:

1) Even though you CAN pee on the phone during an interview - you shouldn't.

2) I am a yuppie!
I'm the reason for American Psycho, I'm what made Bret Easton Ellis imagine a murderer who tells a prostitute to eat a woman's asshole.
Here's why:
- I buy organic tampons (true)
- I have expensive 5 blade razors!
- I take cabs all the time because I'm worth it
- I'm addicted to fancy new lotions and creams. Going through Sephora withdrawal.
- Laundry. I haven't done it yet since they deployed me. I'm scared. I've never done it in a laundrymat. It's not as scary when you have laundry in the building. But in this crazy Manhattan place there's all these stairs and strangers and carrying of heavy things. It's so nice and easy when I give it to the nice ladies who ask if I want to pay extra so they separate darks and lights. Yes of course I do!

I feel a lot busier now that I've had my job removed. There's all of these various tasks and errands and things that need doing urgently. And adjustments. And the doing of things by hand without spending money for other people to do them.

Here's some pictures from the weekend.

Friday, November 14, 2008

I'm Not Dead!

Saturday Night you can find me at the Gossip Girl Summit where a cast member will be a guest and the creator of the show will be there and all this other fun crazy party time stuff - at the PIT.

Sunday Night you can see me at
downstairs at Paris Commune
99 Bank Street at the corner of Bank & Greenwich Sts
Sunday November 16th
@ 8:00 PM (and this time really at 8)
Don't get lost--its Greenwich STREET not the nearby Greenwich Avenue.

Please RSVP to the venue at 1-212-929-0509 if you can (and/or shoot us an email
at and we'll do it for you.)

No cover, two-drink minimum.
w/ guests

And one other great fortune - On Saturday I will also be shooting my first video with My Damn Channel, where I'll be joining the likes of David Wain, Andy Milonakis, and Harry Shearer!

I haven't announced this excitingness because I want to wait to share the video with you. I will say that I am thrilled about my cast - it stars one of comedy's greatest duos as 2 of my favorite characters that ever existed.


So, as the terror of a bleak future rips apart my unemployed guts, I manage to pretend that I am happy and not full of fear as I place myself on stages and in front of various cameras. It's going to be fun!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The economy hurt me so I'm available for you.

Dear friends and colleagues,

My company just laid off a lot of great people today, and I was one of them. Damned economy.
I am now available during the days!

Cast me in your video, let me shoot something with you. I have a Panasonic DVX 100b, tripod, Arri 3 Fresnel Light kit, and a Boom mic. I also have final cut pro and some basic editing skills. I can also write for just about any of your needs. I'm a trained comic/dramatic actor who can also do voiceover and voices.

Professionally I have: PR experience, Legal background, Business skills, Mad good internet and computer skills, Sales, etc ... I can do a lot of things rather well.

Happy to send my professional or creative resume along. I'm a perfectionist of sorts who can be trusted to make things better than they currently are and not be a bitch about it or difficult to deal with. Umm, ok that's my pitch for now.

I'll be working on videos, finally finishing that book proposal, and applying to grad school (why the F not live off loans!) in the meantime.

Ok, thanks everyone, and I hope you're doing well.

- Heather

PS - I no longer have anyone's number in my phone. I have it on some printout file thingy though - so please say who you are if you text or call me.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Tonight is Street Meat, please come

ok? Here. Now it's time to talk about other stuff and show you things.

Let's see. This weekend I passed out/fainted for the very first time and it was Awesome fun! I was in the arms of a trusted man person so it was only 5 percent scary and 95 percent fun. He was a little mad at me because I scared him, but I can't help but admit that all those crazy colors were really neat.

I also ate these sexy little bitches at a dinner party type thing:
succulent little bastards

And I watched a deranged person devour the 6 beef patties that come in a triple cheeseburger combo deal.


In the modern world, Ninja Kittens try to sell you cars.

Also, you should buy listen up. Do yourself a favor and watch their advertisement video.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

New York Magazine likes Street Meat (and photo cutouts!)

Click me

Daisy Rock Debutante Rock Candy Princess Electric Guitar

It's a top seller. Say it out loud or it's not even worth it!
Daisy Rock Debutante Rock Candy Princess

Oh my god! I am loving hams right now. I always love hams, and I especially do right now. Prosciouttos specifically. DUH.


There is more greatness where that came from: here.

MUST READ: Jake Goldman's Text Messages on Election Night.
Bill Ayers to Obama, 6:51pm: I bet u think I voted 4 u.

Obama to Ayers, 6:56pm: Now is not the time, Bill.

Ayers to Obama, 7:01pm: Well, I didn't. I wrote in Harajuku Girls, because, fuck it. We are all satan's hell-children.

Obama to Ayers, 7:03pm: Great, thanks.

Ayers to Obama, 7:04pm: I am pissing on 19 American flags right now.

South Park's timely response to the election:

and this!


My legs are gonna explode off if you don't come to Street Meat on Monday.

PS- Debra Messing stole my purse on the subway today. I had my trail size tube of embrolysse skin emollient in there. God I wish this was true. Somebody please make my life more exciting so that I can stop with all these fibs.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

The win feels a little weird

it's just so shocking to me that people believe and care now who didn't care before.

Why couldn't they care on their own, from their own hearts?

Why did it have to take a huge movement and an exciting new leader?

I wish that these people cared in 2000 and 2004.

I wish they didn't let that happen. Because they let George W Bush happen to our country. It's sad that now they care and now they see the light.

Yeah Obama showed many people the light and inspired them. I am really happy at what America is going to be now. I am excited for our progressive nation on the world stage. I'm glad that there's a sense of hope and inspiration.

But I resent how late it came and how much work a campaign has to do to get people's brains to work. It really hurt our country to be lead by the Bush administration.

I think that people who only cared in this election, and not in others, are just sheep who care too much about the packaging of their message. Kerry and Gore stood for the same progressive values as Obama, they just didn't come in a cool or exciting enough package.

Also, there's that gay marriage ban. Makes the whole sentiment of this election a little more superficial, don't you think?

Thank god though, that Obama won. Finally.
The story that stands on its own, aside from the politics or government, is that this is an inspiring story for the civil rights movement. I feel that.

obama fans celebrate

Really? You consider this face the face of celebration?

(how's about this?)

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Obama, your big fancy infomercials and buzz words make me feel nothing

but looking at this picture of you and your family makes my heart well up with joy.

It matters that you're black. It's exciting beyond words that we could be free of the conservative identity that binds us. The idea that for once we will have a truly new leader. Hope that we aren't always going to be stuck with a narrowly defined status quo. That we are progressive. That we are forward thinking.

One thing I still really don't understand

is how people ever voted for Bush.

It still makes no sense. Unbelievable idiocy. American dark ages.

voting is important because you can get a free coffee or ice cream, or other things like that

but they didn't give me an "I Voted" sticker when I voted.

Here is a video of my voting experience:

Monday, November 03, 2008

from an old high school friend

"I thought about you on halloween too. I had this Obama mask and I wrote a speech about HOPE and CHANGE that was really about sharting."

Glad I am close to your heart when you think about sharting.

Friday, October 31, 2008

one of the world's most sensual, exotic and sexy male heartthrobs

to be left alone
sometimes I want just that
and it's scary to admit or say out loud
because then someone might say
"what's wrong"
nothing's wrong and there's nothing to be worried about
just the intense sensation
pulling inside me
sucking in my guts
that does not want
does not want to engage

stop the wheels
use a chuck
no responsibilities
no ambitions
no forward motions
complete empty space
and no connection to anyone else

everything is fine
and I want you here
you world
I just want to cuddle in a moment of frozen time
and then you can touch me again

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Wouldn't it be great if

cops tackled one of these celebrating people Terry Tate style?
It makes the video more fun if you imagine it.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I'm an MTV VJ!

dude. dude. dude. seriously
new MTV Music site = unreal
all obscure embeddable videos I can't even take it

Here's my VJing today, and it's all 90s, a throwback to when watching videos on the mtv was nuthin but pleasure.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Last night when I was lying in bed I found myself afraid of ghosts. For the most part, I don't think about ghosts. But every now and then it occurs to me that they might exist and I'm alone and it's dark and maybe the ghosts know I am thinking about them and they could definitely come out. I was also reading about the Poltergeist curse and it got me especially scared. Poltergeist is the scariest movie ever. Kane is a terrifying man. I really hope they don't come into the internet and see that I am talking about them. Because that's what they might do. Especially if they do something like make Poltergeist 2000. They would definitely come into cyberspace and there'd be a lot of hilarious references to facebook, making it very terrifying and relateable to your world because you use facebook and facebook jokes and references are a good way to connect to modern day audiences.

this is not good

Has your cousin been on the 90210?

Here's my cousin, musician Jesse Fischer, on the Late Late Show w/ Craig Ferguson:

He's the guy playing keyboard on the right.

Tomorrow night, he'll be on 90210 with his band Little Jackie (though you can see his main project, Soul Cycle, here). That's right. My cousin's gonna be on 90210. And he's a good dude.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Last night @ CMJ

So CMJ is this musical fesitival in NYC and cause of my work I have badges and have been going to shows.

Last night I enjoyed the free CMJ tickets to Spring Awakening with my BFF Stephen. Before the show we had chicken at this midtown suckfest of a restaurant and it blowed.

Then we see the musical, and let me tell you - I do not like me some musicals. I don't know how people like these obnoxious little bastards singing in their overdramatic way. Music sounded pretty enough but man that was some unoriginal nonsense and it's mad contrived. And all that stuff about sex was just too out of date and a cheap way to be provocative. We left after the first act to see some shows.

At Bowery Ballroom the act Chester French sounded alright but the lead singer was this awful little brat who gave off this high school kid trying to be cool vibe. Swearing is fucking great but you can't misuse that shit.

Then there was a horrible beast woman at the door of Mercury Lounge. She poops parties and is party pooper. Pianos was too crowded for listening pleasure, Cake Shop was too warm.

So we decided, let's go to my place and watch the Sex and the City Movie.

If the Sex in the City Movie is what being a woman is all about then somebody please rip my ovaries out right now. Sex in the City the tv show focused on some dating situations that I could relate to, and it showcased my city in a really fun way, and at the time, it was very fashionable and good about noticing trends. That's not the case in the movie, so all you're left with is those awful, deplorable, idiotic, shallow characters, and these uncharismatic actresses living out the worst nightmare of what women can be.

Holy fuck! Let's shop and drink vodka cocktails!

And these bitches do not know how to party. They don't. It's awful. What do they do? Buy expensive shit at different places and then TALK? Cause that's all they do. They talk about stuff, make puns, and say oh my god. And when they aren't doing that they cry about guys. Ok enough.

BUT I had a great time. Stephen was able to make fun of all that stupid bullshit, and share with me a muffled laugh at the musical when the young girl sang about her daddy beating her. And even though the fun of the night was making fun of stuff, we didn't feel negative because we enjoyed each other.

PS - I did get a little melty at the Sex City Movie when the dude proposed and said stuff like I love you. So I will admit the one and only universal chord I share with these chicks is that I will melt at the I Love You, and I do fantasize about a wedding and the dress. Though I shiver in fear at the thought of what happens after the wedding, I fantasize about all that romantic stuff just like the girl I am.

PPS- I had a lot of fun and enjoyed CMJ shows on Wednesday. I'm not entirely jaded. Only mostly.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

@ cmj all week (for work)

there's tacos here
and big tittied bass players

so they are moderate in size but
there's tacos.

Monday, October 20, 2008

This is my new boyfriend
Nobody can take our love away
He throws stuff at my nippels whenever I feel down in the dumps
He knows a lot of stuff like about how to properl check air pressure in your bike tires
He always wants me to examine his skin for irregularities
He's really quirky like that
I love him a lot.

One time he kicked over the coffee table and I didn't know why he was doing that
he changed the subject and we just started eating dinner
we soon got to watching Animal Planet
it was awesome

fist in the air!

He calls Palin a direct counterpoint to the liberal feminists in America!
Like feminists are a bad thing
I mean
It's like saying, this person is great because they speak against those liberal civil rights supporters ....
Ugh gughghghh I'm choking on it

goddamn it my womany woman shit is like way fired up bigtime moreso!

Friday, October 17, 2008

no bullshit melons in my salad

lord knows when you get a fruit salad, you don't want that salad cup filled all the high hell to the brim with the melons
the melons are cheap and rarely full of flavor
they are ripping you off
i want my cantalope from a farm stand, and i want it in a slice
same for my honey dew
don't fuck around with me

Monday, October 13, 2008

On Palin Porn

Nailin Paylin - which features Palin, Condoleeza Rice, and Hillary Clinton characters:

Is it a good thing that men sexually fantasize about accomplished, powerful women, who are more than just sex objects?


Is it really fucked up that our distinguished female leaders are degraded as sex objects?

And yes, Sarah Palin is a distinguished leader to a degree. She does deserve scrutiny and to be made fun of considering that she's running for the executive office. No she isn't brilliant and I don't agree with her - but she is an accomplished individual who works in a position that deserves respect - and a woman's dignity is important. Although, she did prance around on stage in a swimsuit - which means she is ok with placing her body on display as an object.

I think such a thing as the Palin Porn is good and bad. It's hard enough for pretty ladies to earn respect in professional endeavors, but it does mean something that women - whole women - are sexy, not just ones whose likes are "long walks on the beach," small floppy dogs, and juicy couture pants. Such women are robots to the male fantasy - Not human beings with individuality and a free thinking mind.

If it becomes clear that powerful women with real minds are totally sexy, perhaps more women will try harder to be whole people - not stopping themselves short as being whatever men like them to be - something that comes with instant reward, and that's why many women are lame. They are rewarded for being what men want them to be instead of something of their own.

yummy songs

WOMEN- Black Rice (right click, save as)

Department of Eagles - In Ear Park (Album) link takes you to download a live recording.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

i broke my butt

last night i think i sort of broke my butt bone
swirly chair going at fast speeds
smokey room
spinny desk chair
went too fast
and off i flew
they thought i cracked my head open but my skull is tough and
can endure a great many blows
instead i cried
and held my butt
my butt bone
slam hard butt bone
all into the floor

my butt hurts me so bad
it hurts when i get up
and make steps

which are things that i do a lot.

Monday, October 06, 2008

tucker's song

this lil video is realllly catchy and i like to watch it more than one time

its by some SNL writers backstage ...

Friday, October 03, 2008

Monday is the next Street Meat

Street Meat
Character Comedy Show
Hosted by Heather Fink and Rob Lathan
Cake Shop, 152 Ludlow St

with special guests:
- Will Franken
(UCB One Man Show, SF Weekly voted "Best Comedian", "What elevates Mr.
Franken above your garden-variety comedian is an erudite wit and a
highly developed sense of the absurd" - The New York Times)

- Matt McCarthy
(all those tv commercials, Montreal Comedy Fest, Live at Gotham/Comedy Central)

- Thomas Middleditch
(currently running UCB One Man Show, Baby Wants Candy)

- Will Hines
(UCB Theatre all star, Mystery Men Movie, Fat Guy Stuck in Internet)

Please come. It's a good show and the sort of thing you'll enjoy probably.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

help me trying to get reservations for tonight at Dorsia


My friend Gina designs and makes these great vegan shoes.

Luann's Tips. Call me crazy, but I think it's pathetic to define yourself and your behavior according to what is attractive to a man .... perhaps you are better off living your life and being a whole human being who acts according to her own brains and desires? But hey, if you want to become whatever you think people want you to be, I'm sure you'll turn out awesome.


Why I Want to Fuck Ronald Reagan is something else written by the guy who wrote the movie/novel Empire of the Sun.

Things that I recently discovered are not all that good: The new movie Ghost Town, the restaurant Rayuela on Allen St, the tuna dish at Cafe Falai on Lafeyette, Lauren Conrad's new clothing line.

But there's other things that I like very much. I talk about those things on other occasions.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

New Video: Standup at UCB Theatre Sept 2008

Hey guys,

I haven't taped my standup in a long time. And so I did last weekend at Olde English's "Very Fresh" show! And so here it is! Yep.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

i was holding the honey bear over by the coffee machine at work, and it occurred to me to try and weigh the honey bear on the postage stamp machine and to try shoving it in the machine and then mail it to somebody like it was an important business document, even though it would very obviously be a used honey bear

something about mailing things that aren't supposed to be mailed really makes me happy and it makes me laugh, especially combined with shoving things in machines that don't fit or are being improperly used
i feel the same way about this as i do about throwing stuff out the window
it's just so inexplicably hiliarous to me
it almost feels private how funny it is
and also it makes me feel like a pervert or something

someday i'll have my own company and things will be run my way

Before I can even form an opinion on Economic Bailout - I need this:

Someone needs to tell me, point blank, in black and white
1) What has gone wrong
2) What bad things will come of it - STEP BY STEP what may likely happen next, and multiple scenarios that could play out
3) What bad things have already come of it, with evidence, from various economic perspectives

We all get kept in the dark.
We can be left to draw conclusions, or consume the headlines and conclusions of others
but we are the pawns of the media and the media are pawns of strategists and propagandists and emotion
and pawns of ratings and cash monies

A truly wonderful democratic government would walk us through these steps so we could understand, and great minds from all walks of life could step forth with ideas and solutions.

All we know now are vague statements like 'the market is crashing', 'subprime mortages', 'the next great depression'
ok ok ok
calm down people - how? How will this play out? We can figure it out and come up with better ways to prevent it than giving some shit companies a really big check. (that would be called panicking and doing something because you can't think of a real solution)


it is mad dismal up in this city today

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Scary Gross Racists Disgrace My Home :(

I'm really upset about this racist who is infiltrating my home town of Roxbury, NJ. It is a beautiful place full of great people and I loved growing up there.

I started googling about it and I found out that these people exist:
Alex Charmichael a lawyer from NJ who started this racist group called the League of American Patriots
this guy, William White
Who looks like this!

in his photo series about how he hates mexicans.
They say a wide variety of infuriating and unintelligent things.

My instinctual urge is to find these people and rip their heads off. Seriously, testosterone is building inside me and I feel anger and a swell of emotions that motivate me to want to show up on these fuckers doorsteps and put them in their pathetic, unintellgent, middle aged un accomplished white dudes' place.

Of course they are proud of being white - they have NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF so they have to come up with some reason. Anyone who is proud about their race - who takes the time and brain cells to pick out something so general and non-specific and invent reasons for its superiority

Anyone who sits around dwelling on ideas about other people's differences and thinking about how much better they think they are long enough to actually become racist and feel threatened in an important way about people from other races - lacks intelligence - and yes - unequivocally - THEY ARE DOING IT WRONG. ALL OF IT. LIFE. RACISTS SUCK AT LIFE.

Sure. I will make race related and insensitive jokes - because I feel that you need to discuss real things about society in the dialog of humor - that's healthy and good - especially when it comes to thinking about how people are different. So trust me I am not some uptight girl. And I know the difference between jokes and real racism. And I'm not saying it's all black and white and cut and dry because it isn't.

But there are people who are full of hate. It is so easy to get upset by these people. But it isn't healthy to find them and rip their heads off. It isn't healthy to pee on their mailboxes or mail raw meat to their houses as I would totally love to do - because then you get wrapped up in their hate and it feeds into you like the pink slime in Ghostbusters 2.

You just have to make sure that in your life, you are great. That's the best defense against evil - you personally take responsibility for as much goodness as you can muster. Just be great - to the world, yourself, and others - and your greatness will surpass any efforts of disgusting losers.

PS- The guys I write about here - Alex and his group, posted flyers around my town saying "who wants a black president" and it says bad stuff about black people.
I just want a good president. Why would you ask me if they are black or white?

Ted Bundy, Charles Manson and many other heterosexual Christian white males are horrible - but does that mean I don't think a white president would be ok? No. I liked Bill Clinton.

How about just a good president? The one we have right now is white, and he destroyed our country's economy among other such atrocities. So, um. FAIL. That guy failed with his posters and his question because it's not only stupid but it's unsuccessful at winning over the minds of others.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Stephen really gets me

stephen's muscle
From: Heather Fink
Date: Tue, Sep 23, 2008 at 4:03 PM
To: Stephen

i had all this coffee and i shouldnt have and i am freaking the fuck out
sometimes it doesnt affect me but i feel totally high right now and i
cant handle my shit for shit dammit i need ot come down off this stuff

From: Stephen
Date: Tue, Sep 23, 2008 at 4:48 PM
To: Heather Fink

you really need to calm the fuck down

the only way to fix it is to get wasted

From: Heather Fink
Date: Tue, Sep 23, 2008 at 4:49 PM
To: Stephen

but i'm at fuxkiing work
\are you sure thats a good idea shit mybe yeah ok i just took a swig
of scotch some smelly old bottle i keep stored in my pantyhose ok
i just fell down
i think that i dont have my job anymore

From: Stephen
Date: Tue, Sep 23, 2008 at 4:52 PM
To: Heather Fink

just drink a shitload and get your job back

everything will be fine my little candied yam

From: Heather Fink
Date: Tue, Sep 23, 2008 at 4:53 PM
To: Stephen

this is just like in that episode of growing pains where carol drank
and puked on her pimp but he let her continue to work for him anyways

From: Stephen
Date: Tue, Sep 23, 2008 at 4:59 PM
To: Heather Fink

wtf i'm not 35, why the fuck are you referencing fucking growing pains and shit, i never watched that bullshit

From: Heather Fink
Date: Tue, Sep 23, 2008 at 5:04 PM
To: Stephen

"if you take two sandwhichs and put meat in between them then you have
a really big sandwhich
it's eatable but i dont think that its ok to do" - abe lincoln

From: Stephen
Date: Tue, Sep 23, 2008 at 5:07 PM
To: Heather Fink

that's the sort of president we need right now in these tough economic times

Monday, September 22, 2008

Cinnamon is an excellent meat spice and should be used more often especially in balled meats

Think about a good place where you can draw a wiener on a seat with a sharpie. There are no wrong answers. Ok, now move on.

Tonight I perform in Williamsburg. Good lineup so it should be a good show too ... yes.

I saw a Yankees game Friday night. Yankees are handsome.
Handsome Yankees!

Lou Gehrig was handsome. So are A-Rod and Jeter even though they aren't my style. Johnny Damon has a nice quality to his appearance as well.

And same for Carl Pavano. He is so handsome it is completely fucked up and it makes me feel nausea.

I mean really holy shit what is that thing? Is that a human man who looks hot as fuck and throws balls really well? Does he really exist and could I, in this universe, touch that man? Sorry for the swearing it's un lady like.

Time to be a lady. Heyyyy so I like to carry my purse pocket book ... yeahhhhh!

From the NY Post:
Read Article Here
"Throughout the business, there are signs posted stating that there is no sex allowed ... "When I work late, 'til 11 or midnight, I hear slapping and screaming, like whack, followed by ahh!" said freelance photographer Martin Crock, whose studio is on the floor above the pain palace ... Marie Santiago, who used to be the superintendent of a Staten Island building where Reeve lived for several years, called him a "freak."

"When they left, we found out they were total freaks. We found videos of him and people playing with people dressed up as dinosaurs," she said.

That was funny, and this isn't. Some people have romanticized the idea of prostitution. Just a little reminder that human trafficking and the sex trade are extremely fucked up. It's rarely some interesting character you might meet in a movie. It's a real woman whose life is a big horrible cum stain. If you want to support women who are victims of abuse and domestic violence, why not give some money to Rainn or Safe Horizon? I know with safe horizon you can simply sign up online to automatically give 10 bucks a month - very easy to afford.

Beth Gibbons and Rustin Man's "Out of Season" from 2003 is a crazy good album, and here are 4 songs from that album:

Discover !

Thursday, September 18, 2008


Mugison is a new music that I like. It's this great dude from Iceland on Mike Patton's Ipecac Records. Mike Patton is soooo sexy but that doesn't have to do with anything.

Mugison is playing Sunday night at Union Pool in Brooklyn. I just might go, even though I don't like having plans on Sunday nights.

My two favorite tracks are Deep Breathing (softer sounding) and I'm Alright (lil harder sounding)
Listen to them here:

Discover Mugison!

Discover Mugison!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Shows in September and other words/image stuffs

- Mon 9/15 @ 8:30: STANDUP - Comedy Dungeon, 36 W. 106 ST. @ CPW, Free
- Weds 9/17 @ 9:30: GUEST (doing a bit made just for this show) 12 Angry Mascots w/Neil Janowitz, UCB Theatre, 307 W 26th, $5
- Sat 9/20 @ midnight: STANDUP Very Fresh w/Olde English, UCB Theatre, 307 W 26th, $5
- Mon 9/22 @ 8pm: STANDUP (in Williamsburg), Hit the Bricks, Trash Bar, 256 Grand St, open bar 8-9pm w/$7 admission

(notice the change for Saturday's show, I will be doing standup, not a bit)

I think I'm going to do standup more infrequently, and I'm not going to really write new standup unless something really strikes me. I'd rather place new jokes and concepts in videos. What's a specific goal with this here comedy stuff? Glad you asked. Most of all, I'd like to be a writer/performer in a tv sketch comedy show.

I'm getting a lil semi-bone for all this camera equipment lately ... nothing brings me greater joy at this junction in my life to be able to do shoot what I want. Getting ready to shoot some new stuff in a couple weeks.

Weekend highlights? Yes, I have some.

Thurston Moore at Fender Jazzmaster 50th Anniversary - one of the rawest, most sexual, honest, personal musical moments I've seen. He just got so into the guitar, completely entranced, just putting himself into it - playing with the sound and with Sonic Youth bandmate Ranaldo ... I've got so much respect for this man as an artist.

Saw Burn After Reading. It's great. Not like - omg my new favorite- but it's excellent because I've never seen a screenplay quite like that. It's a completely original and fresh take on comedy. The character play is wonderful. It's almost clownish/vaudvillian at moments. Brad Pitt, Frances McDormand, and John Malchovich are really something else. Go Coen Brothers!

By the way:
I think Sara Benincasa does the funniest Sarah Palin of all ...

Thursday, September 11, 2008

My pants are too tight in the crotch

so if you see me today you'll know why I'm slightly on edge.



On the israel trip
stephen made me laugh a lot
when he said in a botched Israeli accent
"Our band is called Ghh-oldplay, we are Israel's Coldplay, we are very good"

Anus Madness is the name of a ringtone my company makes.

How Not to Hit on Models
Neel: This place is so dead.
Janelle: Are you serious? It's packed, I can't even get a drink.
Neel: Whatever. Do you want to go back to my place? I have a loft in Tribeca.
Janelle: Are you serious?
Neel: Yes.
Janelle: I'll pass.

Skinny models
I haven't been able to look at skinny people the same way ever since I visited the Holocaust museum in Israel.

But seriously folks,
Starving your body is just fucking ugly and wrong. People are trying so hard just to end up looking stupid, like when I see someone smoking a cigarette, they just look stupid. But when I see an anorexic, it's stupid and sad. Eat healthy foods and exercise, trust me it's a good idea.

Beautiful songs:

Blizzard of 77 by Nada Surf
And the new Jesu tracks from "why we are not perfect"

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The Good Thing About Palin

Listen, I was a big time Hillary supporter, and I'm not that crazy about Obama (because I need more than great speeches to believe in somebody). But I'm still going to vote for him - because all politicians and governments are flawed and I at least need to: 1) support a regime change, 2) make sure that like-minded Supreme Court Justices are appointed during the next administration, and 3) vote for someone with basic like-minded ideals, ideals that apply to modern society. Go Obama.

the good thing about Palin is that she's a winner in the war of ideas. The idea of a female leader has become more natural - with both Palin and Clinton as political figures in this year's presidential election.

Palin is very different than Clinton, real and strong in her own ways. I don't agree with her views and actions, but perhaps they work well in smalltown Alaska. Either way, people are excited by her, and they were excited by H Clinton. At least we are experiencing new ideas about women as leaders.

Women Against Sarah Palin

Street Meat September 2008

Clappy clappy!
Hey dudes,

Did you miss Street Meat on Monday?

I'm planning to upload video from all the different acts (and from a couple of shows in the past) but here's some video from the 2 bits Rob and I put together (thanks cameraman Dan Zimmer):
Michael Phelps and Israeli Bronze Medalist

McCain and Palin visit the Lower East Side

this tasted very delicious

I like to eat really very much healthy a lot full of organics and the freshness and such 100% type things. Here is a new recipe I concocted and it was especially yummy:


Combine in a saucepan:
- arugula
- tuna (I got some bumble bee premium in a gold can and it was fantastic, just a dollar more)
- sundried tomatoes (chop them)
(use the moisture from the canned tuna and a lil olive oil to saute the argula)

Combine to make a sauce:
- plain fat-free yogurt (I used greek yogurt, has a sexy texture)
- cucumber (dice it up)

if you like spicy: sambal oelek (chili sauce)

suggested seasonings: olive oil, salt, dill, lemon or lime juice (can be mixed into the sauce)

Wrap it up in a warmed whole wheat wrap.

PS -
sambal oelek (chili sauce) combines really well with plain greek yogurt! add a lil honey and it's also yummy, it's a great dip too

Monday, September 08, 2008

First Day of School!

My slacks pressed.
I've got on my new Backpack.
I'm so ready for the fall.
This year is going to be different.
It's going to be good.
And better yet, there's an incredible snack pack in here.

(ps I do not know this boy or how he got here)

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Monday! Street Meat is back for the fall season.

Mon Sept 8 @ 8pm
Cake Shop (bar/stage downstairs) 152 Ludlow St btwn Rivington/Stanton

Hosted by Heather Fink and Rob Lathan
Character Comedy w/
- Donald Glover (30 Rock, Derrick Comedy)
- Steve Bossous (Don't Touch Me There)
- Jake Goldman (, Mortified)
- Glennis McMurray (I Eat Pandas, Conan O Brian)
- and stand up from Adam Newman (Tyra Banks Show, College Humor)

If you're a Street Meat regular, notice the new co-host Rob Lathan.
I'm very excited to have him on the show. He's one of NYC's most amazing character performers, and if you love UCB, you've probably seen him already. Expect more yummy bits and characters in fall 08's meat.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

On Feeling Pretty: oh hey I moddleledd last night!

That's me!  In Mandate of Heaven

From my experience, there is something important about feeling pretty for a woman. The mixture of social and biological importance placed upon female beauty is probably the obvious reason.

I do feel pretty right now. And I haven't for a while. I am a woman. It is a natural thing that no matter what, I will look in the mirror and be an asshole to myself. But right now, at 27, I'm experiencing something new for my age: comfort with and acceptance of my looks and my body as a whole.

Treating it right is part of it. I finally have the discipline to eat healthy and exercise regularly. I've been doing so since march - and guess what? Eating right and exercising ACTUALLY WORKS. Who knew?

Last night I was paid compliments for my appearance. I was a model in my friend's fashion show. It helped me feel good. I felt shitty for a while. Was dating a hot dude who could have any girl he wanted. He wasn't good about giving compliments, like ever. He was a good person, just not good about that sort of thing. Bashful, young, a dude. Either way, I felt a panicked physical inferiority to every pretty temptation that walked the street. That feeling is fleeting now that it's over.

Even though I felt so silly on that runway, posing in front of people, it was cool to be able to showcase myself in this way. I love Carissa, the designer of Mandate of Heaven. She is one of the world's creative, hard working, good hearted, beautiful people. Happy to be a part of what she does.

This is another thing I feel lucky and appreciative for. I know I'm lucky to have a pleasing appearance (to those who dig it, blah blah blah) - and I think about being lucky in certain ways - good health, good life situation - and once again the only thing that allows me to accept and understand it is deciding that I have to work really hard in life and do the most I can. It feels self-righteous typing this out. But worth saying. Coming to terms with positivity and happiness isn't exactly easy. What about guilt? What about the fear of losing it? What about all the self-doubt that follows goodness?

Work hard, give to others whenever you can, be honest and sincere. Appreciate beauty. Don't abuse yourself. These are things that I understand to a better extent right now.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

at the beach

a couple new photos
didn't add the lobster cooking photos ... things got a little out of hand when we handled the beasts

Friday, August 29, 2008

Thursday, August 28, 2008

I'm in TV Guide This Week!

Pick up a copy of TV Guide Magazine now (Sept 1-7 with The Hills on the cover) and you'll see a shout out and photo from my Gossip Girl Spoof! Thanks TV Guide!!!


left to right:
Doug Mand, Heather Fink, Adam Good, Sara Benincasa

Someone else's video to watch: Snapple Facts

Love it.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

NEW VIDEO: Gossip Girl Season 1 Alternate Ending UPDATE - REMOVED FROM YOUTUBE :(

Because Serena killed someone.

Here is part of the original scene (it does make more sense if you watch the whole episode, which you can watch here):

Written/Directed by Heather Fink
Chuck - Brian Faas
Serena - Heather Fink
Nate - Adam Good
Blair - Sara Benincasa
Rick - Rick Shapiro
Regina - Sara Copeland

Camera - Dan Zimmer
Editor - Ed Mundy
Producer - Frank Hejl

PAs -
Stephen Fagen, Annemarie Moerl
Locations - Mandate of Heaven Clothing, Tracy DeMarzo

Original Music from Wine Is Thicker Than Blood

xoxo Gossip Girl premieres Sept 1st!

OMG Jews!

I want to give my all to work right now, and to my friends, and to my personal situations, and to adjusting back in the city.

There is so much I want to share with you about my trip so just gimmie a moment and it'll all come out.

yaffa at night

Here I am with my 3 friends from home who joined me, Neil, Stephen and Evan. I was so lucky to have them with me, and I really genuinely loved the new friends I made on the trip too. I went because it was a free trip provided by Birthright Mayanot, my daddy is Jewish, my mommy is a Dutch woman who decorates Christmas trees sometimes.

Once again I fell in love with Israel and the Jews and am so happy to have had this experience.

Even more photos here

Quick update - my show in Hoboken tomorrow is cancelled and will be rescheduled for Sept or Oct.

Here's some songs I'm into right now:


I feel lucky, and the only way I can justify receiving so much goodness in life is by realizing I have an obligation to work as hard as I can to give as much as I can to deserve it all. That's the only way I can be comfortable with how great life has been to me lately. It sounds weird, right? To be able to openly say - holy shit I am loving this! I'm not sure what to make of that, the only thing I know is that I know how to be grateful, and I know that I can try my best to give back, so that seems to make sense.

In the meantime, I'd like you to tell me - what did I miss!? What songs came out? What stupid gossip about famous people?! Did you get new jobs or touch interesting and different private parts? Tell me tell me!!!

Monday, August 25, 2008

in the negev

The desert at night
The Negev

trying to not hear
tune out the sounds of the people
that are with me
love them but enjoy leaving them
hear only one thing
the soft air
dark night
open warm air
open space
i can breathe
and when i breathe i escape

there's a full moon tonight
thank you for being so pretty

i love you moment

there's a bonfire
with all the things you can love of fire
destroy some sticks
hear the crackle
melting marshmallow
the sound of beautiful voice
singing and playing music by the fire
i'm nearly naked in a cotton wrap after a shower
so i feel that air
and that fire

and at any moment it's ok
to just run off and disappear

and this is israel
did you see the nuclear testing facility off in the distance?
now it's time to sleep
in the bedouin tents
i've clearly never been here before

smoke the hookah
go to sleep

Sunday, August 24, 2008

oh hey i'm back israel was amazingawesome
time to take a nap

ok - back
photos from israel

Monday, August 11, 2008

Today I go to Israel

Be back August 24th.
By 2pm today I will be cutting off telephone and internet for 2 weeks. Not bringing laptop and not renting cellphone. Yay!!!

When I get back I'm doing a couple shows, including one in Hoboken. Check out the dates if you like.

This weekend I quite enjoyed the Del Close Marathon and 88 Boadrums. I actually prefer the partying at Del Close to the shows. I have a very hard time watching and paying attention in big crowds with all the distraction. But I still recommend people go see it. There's a lot of frenzied excitement and very special guests. Like Brooke Shields. Why not? Perhaps you want to have a nice viewing of my photos to see some of the sights.

"Think Different" was selected for the DC Comedy Fest this weekend.

Changes in the Meat:
My show Street Meat has changed a bit. The next show is Monday Sept 8. There is a new co-host, Rob Lathan. I met Rob when I did my very first standup shows at the Variety Underground show back in 2005. He always did different characters and he still does delightful character work. I'm really excited to bring him on Street Meat! Adam Newman is still a part of the show. He has a permanent standup spot, so he's not gone away!

I like Women's toolbelts and hardhats. Makes me want to build.

This outfit designed by the Japanese brand by Hiroshi Fujiwara and the creative director of SOPHNET. and F.C.R.B. Hirofumi Kiyonaga.
I normally don't like primary colors like this in fashion, especially not in menswear, but the way they are used here, as a hint, really works and doesn't interfere with the masculinity of the wearer. I think it's sharp and clever.

Friend and talented person Trevor Williams is in this Less Than Jake music video!

Friend and talented person Christos and his band Wine is Thicker Than Blood have a song in the latest Gossip Girl promo video! It's called "Sleep Parade." Listen to them.

buckcherry is one of those things i cant help but be firmly judgmental about
if you like it i will think about you differently like maybe you can't be trusted or maybe you really aren't such a good person
i'm sorry
it's not ok never ever will it be

I have enjoyed milkshakes in my life
I used to like the way my dad made them
I don't think I quite understand
why we would ever drink ice cream

Ok, now I go. Please watch this over and over and over again: