Friday, February 29, 2008

The entire cast of The State performs live for the first time in a decade - new material too. Wonder what they are up to ...

yo meat rub what up

oh yo
you on poultry n shit now?

yo meat rub
you in a shaker top container n shit too?
nice, man
that's shit's for real

aw 'rub
you get up on that lamb shank
you classy for real
don't let nobody tell you any different

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

I love Jack McBrayer

Check him out in this new Mariah Carey music video.

Jack is quite possibly the nicest, most humble, down to earth comic out there.
He is very talented too, so, I'm a fan.

Hot Chicks are Capable of Greatness Beyond Their Hotness

It's a fact.

- Diablo Cody, Oscar Winning Screenwriter. Also looks good naked. see here
- Sexy Smalltown Mayor Carmen Kontur-Gronquist has underpants myspace pictures view here

I could provide better examples of accomplished hot chicks, but these ones are newsworthy so, ya know.

Note: I do think it's stupid to post sexy pics of yourself on the internet. I have been tempted. Sometimes it's nice to show off and get approval- but honestly, really really people - it's tacky, pathetic, cheesy, and creepy. It displays a sad need for approval over the meat of your body. We all want, maybe need some approval of our appearances - but I dunno, panties pics, naked pics, men flexing and showing off their abs pics ... not for the sake of art - cheesy myspacey ones - er, just, are lame. It's a fact.

Seen on Google Mail:

good question.

Seen as advertisement:

This picture was used to advertise a surprisingly thin men's wallet, the Big Skinny. Quite fantastic.

- Nikola Tamindzic, photographer of dreams, provides a sneak peak at the Project Runway finale.
view here
I like, in order, to my surprise these collections best: Rami, Sweat Pea, Jillian; then Christian and Chris last. Have enjoyed Christian and Jillian's work all season though.

- Stuff White People Like - funny

- "According to several websites, "Superman That H@e" means this: When, as a male, a girl you are with refuses to have sex with you, you wait until she falls asleep. Then you masturbate, ejaculate on her back, and stick the sheet to your semen (now on her back) so that when she wakes up in the morning, the sheet is stuck to her back like a cape. Hence you have "Supermanned" her." Soulja Boy, really? Well I guess that's cool.

Hey! Playlist for you. Here's today's. I'll do it more often. Enjoy.

SeeqPod - Playable Search

Tuesday, February 26, 2008


I've been up to stuff.

I was in LA last week last minute because I got called to be on a daytime talk show as a guest to talk about a silly thing.
And I mean last minute.
Like I knew I was going to be on national television but I had no time to get a manicure and bring the perfect outfit and cool clothes which is important because the most important thing in life is looking good most especially your fingernails. If they aren't well painted you will be called a fag and be made to cry. I'm sure you already knew that.


art by Bryony Roberts

Everything started out well enough. I was on the plane with 2 intersting chicks who I actually wanted to talk to. Both were flying there for the Oscars. One was a stylist wearing millions of dollars of jewelry because she was bringing it there for the stars to wear. The other was a cool producer/comedy writer from Good Morning America. Also saw Michael Clayton. Good acting, good ending.

I liked that when I got off the plane, a man had my name on a sign and was there to take me where I was going. I did not like that we had to go directly to this weird house to shoot a reinactment and interview (I was in a fake bedroom pretending it was mine, etc), and they did not provide hair, makeup, or wardrobe. I look kinda meh in my segment. TV IS NOT THE PLACE WHERE YOU GO AND LOOK MEH. It's where you sparkle and are better than reality. It's where abs are tight and faces are glossy and awesome. But I look Meh. Oh well. I had really wanted to perform while in LA but we shot too late on Tuesday night for me to do so. But a good friend visited me and we caught up while watching Night at the Museum. So fucked up that movie is.

Wednesday I was stuck at lame hotel in lame part of LA. Had to go to bed super early cause I had to be at the show filming super early on Thursday morning. So no performing on Wednesday either. I don't like LA. The only part that interests me is Silver Lake. But I had no rental car and my friends were at work so ... I went to Universal Studios City walk. This is not my thing. Later I met with a high school friend and had dinner. This was really quite nice. There was complimentary coffee and hot chocolate at the parking garage. It was fucking amazing to be dispensed free coffee in a parking garage. Maybe LA isn't so bad.

Went on the show. Not happy with wardrobe. It was blah. My hair and makeup was cool though - so I could feel vaguely confident about the shell I am packaged in. Now I can't tell you much cause I signed a thing saying I wouldn't. But I will say that I have never felt anything cheesier in my life than the energy in the room as this daytime tv audience got pumped for the show. The show warm up guy motivated people with BOOKS. Free books. Lame books. lol omg. I couldn't handle the crazy cheesy energy. I figuratively puked everywhere. I got to be fiesty on television. I got to say words like "douchebag." I think it was fun and funny- but I leave the show feeling nervous and uncomfortable. I don't know what it's going to be like or how it's going to come out. Maybe I will come off really obnoxious. It's hard to be yourself with the cameras and the audience encouraging things. I think I was myself. Who knows.

And then I got on a plane and came home. I am in love with this city. Every time I land in NYC I just love it so hard. I love to be inside you gotham.


I also ended something with a guy who I cared about very recently.
This makes me feel things. A variety. Of things. The ending.
Or maybe not. Maybe I am just like - you know ... whatever. Pizza is good.

I started writing a lot more standup in the past couple days. In the same style I've been using lately, one piece is a poem combined with charts and pictures. People love charts. I love em too. They convey information in an easy to understand way. Charts are really so freakin great. God I feel good just thinking about it. I am going to treat myself to a huge glass of grape ape juice.
Holy Fuck

Doesn't it always seem that things are changing?
Well sometimes.

I like it that way.
PS: i cut myself to phil collins

Friday, February 22, 2008

On Fame

I both fear and enjoy attention.

What scares me is the power of mob mind. When a mob grabs onto something, it easily spirals out of control, often escapes reality and truth - and takes on a life of its own. This is dangerous. Fame can be a poison. This poison infects truth and people's lives. Sometimes, when I know I've done something very public, I get a little sick to my stomach, anxious, and feel weird just not knowing what beast may be developing in people's minds. How might this thing take on a life of its own?

I don't desire pure fame, or fame for fame's sake. I do desire - very strongly - to be appreciated and to be seen as special and valuable in the world. I want to be publicly validated as someone who is worthwhile, as someone who doesn't just take, but who gives and brings something to the human table.

Perhaps fame's greatest temptation for me personally is the possibility of adventure. If I were addicted to anything, it would be adventures. Experiences involving public attention and celebrity often lead to adventure. I don't know if I have it in me to pass up something that seems new and exciting. This may, if anything fame related, be my downfall. Obviously, it would seem with this 'new and exciting' description that I might get into drugs - but that's not what I mean. So many boring people do drugs boringly and it leads to grotesque situations and sadness - not the real pure fun I desire.

This whole getting-up-and-being-alive-everyday human experience is only made worthwhile - for me at least - if it involves the grand challenge of actualizing my own potentials. If I can somehow be great, and be great as a good quality person
- not one who slept her way to the top,
- not one who put her ambitions before her friends or those who care about her, and
- not one whose achievements are substanceless and based solely in publicity

If I can be famous because I contributed something that makes the human condition better or more enjoyable - then ok, I agree to life and all of this. And yeah, I would want that kind of fame. Otherwise I think it's all a bunch of aimless circular bullshit, and I'd rather be left alone.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Get Political With Me for a Moment If You Elect to

This just supports my feeling that Obama is all flash with nothing to back it up.

If all you love about Obama are the fancy speeches, think again about how it's all just talk.

Dammit on Hillary not winning lately. Dammit dammit.

Friday, February 15, 2008

where do my scratch discs be at?

4 real

I am using my computer
sometimes I have my external hard drive all taking care of my business
but sometimes not
and now I do not
I can't find this part of my computer
the part that is the scratch disc
but I know things go in there
I want to breathe more freedom and room in there for the creative parts to grow

somebody pls help me

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Ok, so here's my position on the valentines day

I don't like obligation. It makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. I've been in a relationship on Valentines' Day and we went to an overpriced dinner and felt that we were surrounded by the pressure to get all gay on each other. So there's that. I find social pressure unromantic.


I like flowers, candies, cupcakes, hearts, cookies, and decorations.

Valentines Day in grade school was so fun!
I want to put a brown paper bag on my desk as a mailbox and to receive treats, but I am also too lazy to be that adult girl that gives people valentines stuff.

Fun fact: The only time I ever got flowers on Valentines Day was from a gay porn star who was visiting the old offices. He was a gentleman and thought I was a lady. A real professional he was.

I've always dated slacker manchilds who don't have money or a sense of romance.
But they do tend to have the ability to reflect on modern culture and give insightful opinions on obscure art.
Which I guess I value more?
It's very manly of them to be so unromantic anyways, and lumberjacks are my type.

The men who have spent the most money on me and treated me the most like a lady also tended to be the least sexy and fun. I don't exactly wanna be treated like a delicate lady. I think I want to be treated like a well loved best friend. Oh and naturally to be desired in the penis-vagina kinda way.

But my womanly womanness would probably melt and surround me in a joyful orb if one of these braindead man childs did give me flowers or something old school sweet.

So there's that.

I'll probably just enjoy Valentines Day as a justification to party differently. Not bitter, not angry, and not in love either. With themed drinks or something. Yeah! I got 99 problems but a bitch aint one.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Last Night's Meat

(the bar at cake shop)

Last night was another very satisfying Street Meat show. I don't want to jinx but the past shows have been consistently solid. The thing that makes me most happy is how much our audience and guests say they enjoy themselves! Last night the audience was smaller (blame the weather!) and I wasn't feeling so performancey before hand - so once again I was afraid of how it would turn out - BUT it was such a great experience.

Street Meat kinda hits home that point that the reason we do comedy is to make people laugh and feel good. And since our guests and audience feel good - it's ... well it's special!

As the performer - successful shows can fulfill you and make you all warm inside. If you're feeling sad, odd, angry, weird - whatever - you get on the stage - the light hits you, and there you see people waiting and watching you, listening to see what you are going to say - wanting what you tell them to entertain them. So you want to give them that part of you. You want to give to them and you want to relate - and hopefully you find things to make you both smile. And so you do what it takes to find it inside you.

Or in that moment, you can, in that light, with them listening to you, become completely naked and vulnerable, sharing a self that isn't in a good place to be shared. Sometimes even that is still compelling because it's real. Or you can do the worst thing- tell a joke with no heart or substance. Even if you are trying something new, the audience knows when you're heart's not in what you're doing, and it's repellent.


Things you need to know about:
Quick Fix Synthetic Urine
Quotes from the site -
Quick Fix Synthetic Urine is the clean, pre-mixed laboratory urine that everyone is talking about!
And here's my favorite suggested uses (once again verbatim from their site):

Urine Therapy
Although not recommended for internal use, promoters of urine therapy believe urine to have many curative powers. Some cultures, especially Indian, have traditionally used urine as a medicine. In Ayurveda its practice is called Amaroli. Urine has been prescribed in India for over 5,000 years for health benefits, as written in the Shivambu Kalpa Vidhi.

Believe it or not, another popular use for Quick Fix is by the fetish community. Quick Fix Synthetic Urine is used instead of regular urine because of health concerns. Regular urine contains impurities; our synthetic urine mimics the look of regular urine and provides a healthy way to play.

What could be funnier than dousing your roommate’s bed with urine? Not much! Doing it with fake urine will reduce the chance of getting your ass beat! This synthetic urine is healthy and doesn’t contain the nasty toxins human urine does.


PS - Hey blog, did I ever tell you that Tito Santana was my high school gym teacher? He also owns a hair salon in my home town and teaches Spanish now. Tito is a retired WWF wresler.

Everybody liked him and he was really fun. Once time when he was monitoring my lunch period in the cafeteria - this girl hit me and tried to start a fight cause she said I wasn't keepin it real. So then everybody chanted "Tito! Tito! Tito!" and he broke it up. And then another time he brought his old wrestling buddies to our school and put on a show. IT WAS COOL.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Friday, February 08, 2008

New Things of the World Outside

Art by Aleksandra Osadzinska

- Decoder Ring's soundtrack for Somersault was really effective when paired with the film. Reminds me a bit of Sigur Ros and I think will speak to you more when you see the movie. It's part soundtrack part score. You can check it on the iTunes.

- Blood Donor: Rob Lathan's performance is what really gets me here. Will Hines videos are always pretty reliable for a solid laugh. And I just love the thing with the peanut butter. Nice touch to have it just sitting there on his face.

- The lovely Sara Benincasa sat down with Stella before Super Tuesday I think this video is funny, and I like that they aren't being annoying about their political views.

- Williamsburg Fashion Week is next weekend and you can catch the fashions of Mandate of Heaven at the Mandate of Heaven Mansion at 9pm Friday Feb 15th. Be there or be square! Or do something else. Their fashion week show was during work this year so I missed out :(
But there's some video with music from new discovery - Brookyln Band Forest Fire. They are great! Listen to their musics.

- A couple tracks of the moment:
Rufus Wainwright - Going to a Town
Hot Chip - Playboy
Beach House - Gila

Art by Josh Heilaman


Yesterday I was a sexy character in a new Olde English video. I know I've said I won't do that anymore - but I will make an exception for Olde English because I trust them, their writing is solid, and they make great stuff. We shot it at the UCB classrooms. Having my ass hang out in front of awkward improv students made me feel funny. Like when Garth climbed rope in gym class. Well no like like that. Like the time when I was sunbathing nude in Nice, France, and a little boy ran up to me and started talking. Discomfort.

A Guide to Recognizing your Saints

View Trailer Here
This movie is based on the Director/Writer Dito Montiel's real life growing up in queens circa mid-1980s. I looked him up on the internets as I am want to do, and found out he was later in a well respected hardcore band and was even a Versace model at one point. Very interesting dude, and that's one good movie. THE ACTING OMG OMG
The whole cast is great, but Shia La Booof is the bomb in it - and so are Dianne Wiest (Brad Pitt's favorite actress) and Channing Tatum. Channing Tatum DAMMMMNNNN.

Channing Tatum can act, his performance is haunting in this, and he's quite very fine. Yumz.

The last line of the movie is also spoken by Robert Downey Jr in the end of the trailer. That's what really hit me, and that's what it's all about.
"In the end - just like I said - I left everything, and everyone. But no one, no one has ever left me."
That's not something I can relate to. But his life experience still moved me. Though there's two levels of what he says. Both that nobody left him - that he left them and they were always there for him - and that nobody left him in the way that people affect you and you carry them forever. That I can relate to.

We drag the ghosts of people with us across the course of life. You can shut people out, but once they got in there, they are in there, somewhere, maybe hiding. Maybe hiding somewhere irrelevant, or perhaps sitting there, perching up those who came next.

On Assholes

Men who are shit: Sometimes men seem to be empowered by behaving like assholes. It's an odd defense mechanism and telling in the difference between men and women. I was raised with great compassion, so it's hard for me to fathom someone being proud of being a dick. It defies logic and makes no sense for a man to feel good about being this way.

For many, there is something desirable in being the motherfucker.
Being the loner, I understand. I have had the desire to push away, destroy, and sabotage situations. But never I have never desired to act with coldness or cruelty.

I have been the asshole, sure, but I don't want to hurt, and I won't take pride in that.

I think being an asshole is a souce of power for those who can't find strength on deeper levels. I think women experience power on more subversive levels and it is this backbone that our society consumes. Men embrace power on the outside, in the spotlight - in their larger appearance, flashy jobs, and bellowing voices. Women have the innate burden of carrying the pain of the world on their shoulders.

Of course, I do not believe this holds true for more enlightened men and women, just a thought. A thought on assholes.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

I'm Bragging to You About This New Thing I Own!

I just bought myself this winebra! It's Called the Wine Rack and you can buy it

Yeah yeah yeah

My mind is blowing about how great it will be to have this in my life. I can discreetly drink from anywhere and have the appearance of a fuller bosom. This will be the PERFECT thing to bring to festivals and concerts and expensive bars.

I am concerned about the body warmth factor, but think whisky will do well in there. Whisky is just fine warm, and I can add it to classes of coke. Also, red wine for classy evening picnics and such.

I LOVE Hillary

But I LIKE all of these guys.

And I'm excited for a bright new future.

(Though McCain's cabinet and underlings really really scare me. McCain doesn't.)

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

voting is fun

i am not a simple girl
but i do like levers and things that go click


Name the movie quote without using google:
Benjamin is nobody's friend. If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he'd be pralines and dick.

oh sufjan ...

Palm Sunday Tornado Hits Crystal Lake from Asthmatic Kitty on Vimeo.

50 Cent endorses Hillary. But that was kinda obvious ... right?

A website where you can order yourself a Russian Bride

These are the ladies that are waiting there for you.

Mark your calendars - Monday February 11th is the next Street Meat. Please come to the show.

That football that was played on Sunday was so entertaining that I actually enjoyed watching it. Good game. Tom Brady is extremely extremely attractive and perfect. So perfect that it's creepy. Eli seems like maybe he'd be better in bed cause he's kinda goofy and he probably likes to be tickled.

This image comes by way of Lady Bunny. It's NSFW. And it's the perfect image to leave in people's myspace comments. You're welcome. (sidenote, you may have seen this individual cut wood with a saw on stage at The Slipper Room)

I saw Somersault last night and noticed a very handsome, manly, talented actor, Sam Worthington. Keep your eye out for this one.

Michael Lucas' thoughts on love are a powerful way of looking at things. Read here. I remember him saying to me a long time ago that love is a mental illness. And we met recently and he spoke about a lot of what's written in this article. I try. I try not to fall victim. But I'd rather not be bored.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Saturday, February 02, 2008

A heatherfink theme song!

Stuckey and Murray made me a theme song when I was a guest on Slightly Buzzed (also hosted by Jon Friedman) at Rififi. I posted on my tumblr (which I am not really using but it does let me upload mp3s).

Listen to:
- "Heather Fink"

And here is an unrelated picture from last night. Friends together! That's nice.

my boyz in da hood

More pics on my flickr

turns out michelle braverman not only has crabs, she is also kinda a bitch

Subject: Michelle Braverman

Dear Heather,

My name is Michelle Braverman, not the most common name on the planet though there are a few of us out there. I can take a joke as well as the next person, but I have to tell you as a professional woman trying to sustain a good reputation in the business community I find the juxtaposition of your "Michelle Braverman tells you about crabs" video and my name on Google unfortunate to say the least. How did you ever come up with that name? I'd be very surprised if there is even one Braverman in Alabama. Well, what can I say? I only wish your little bit was actually funnier.

Michelle Braverman

Friday, February 01, 2008

Nam nam nam chomp chomp

Hey! I performed last night after not performing for a couple weeks. I really liked doing it :( So I am sad now not to do it more often. Maybe 1 - 2 times a month (as I sorta hiatus to work on other projects) isn't enough! Hmmph.

I recently heard about Hamburger Penis and shortly thereafter I learned about Cheeseburger in a can!

- Oooh, memorable super bowl ads.

- I love the internet a lot, it's true. New reason to say - oh internet, ur a silly: all farts all the time.

- "Candice Michelle IS beauty" Possibly the worst website in the internet. See why.

- nerd news The LAST Y the LASt MAN!!!

- Nam nam nam mouth full o beefsteak

- Rule 240 Hey this is actually really useful practical information

- This model bodyguard is (was) so freakin cool! Girl power. Woman are so cool n crrap.

- Bob Odenkirk is brilliant

- Devil Sheep

- Hawaii Chair - while you're at work!

Love this Sarah Silverman Videooo