Tuesday, April 22, 2008


Off to Maui!

holy shit dude really

ps- seeing Forgetting Sarah Marshall totally pumped me up for the trip - good movie, not Apatow's best, but totally enjoyable even with some lame moments
Thanks, movie!

I made this!

I made this!
Originally uploaded by Heather Fink
I've always thought Big Johnson shirts were hilariously awesome in their ridiculousness. They always show a pathetic man lusting after babes and then they have a really cheesy dick joke thrown in.

I ordered a bunch of Big Johnson shirts with the intention of recutting them into flattering girly sizes. This one looks really great on. My plan is both to wear them, and maybe sell them or give them to friends as gifts.

I think the joke works better when it's worn by ladies.

I also bought a couple Co-Ed Naked shirts.

Monday, April 21, 2008

!!! I am saying womeny women stuff, blah blah blah, tampons!!!

When I think about women's issues, ironically, I can get so emotional I want to cry. Rape, domestic violence, and the mistreatment of women are all things that get me so upset I can barely take it. There's just this overwhelming feeling of powerlessness, mistreatment, pain, and suffering that I relate to a lot of the womeny things I complain about. From the very little things, to the violent and terrible.

I just want women to know how to be happy, independent, and powerful. I want women to be confident and more fun. I want the future generations to think they can do anything, and to be ambitious beyond their wildest dreams. I want successful women in business and the arts because I want women to have what my ambitious working mom gave me - the idea that we could do and be anything.

I am often told "most women dont do that" and "most women don't think that" about the things I say and do. I think that's just stupid. Because usually when that is said, is when I am being particularly interesting or funny - or something of that nature. It shouldn't be that way! The general perception of women, especially women in groups - is that we are lame and boring and vapid and superficial.

That sucks! It really really sucks. Ugh. I could go on. It's unfortunate. Time to stop for now.

Sorry, honestly, for being unfun by making "statements" and rants, but I think it's necessary. I do want things to be better. I hope to make an impact with what I do in life - and I hope you understand.

(also related: on the comic's comic today)

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Fuck you College Humor for saying this

(please read the follow up to this post: Ballbusting College Humor: Follow Up)

Specifically, Streeter Seidell, from College Humor who penned this gem for the New York Times "traditional male comedy—the Stooge-ian variety (with fewer restraints now)—translates better online"


Don't Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Sara Silverman, and Kristin Wiig's work translate pretty well online?

Or for that matter, Kristin Schaal, Chelsea Perretti, Variety Shac, Lisa Nova ... blah blah blah I could go on and on.

That WAS a sexist bullshit thing to say. There's more of you men making comedy. Comedy is a male dominated arena.

You are pulling this statement completely out of your ass. You do not know that, it's not constructive and I hate you for saying it.

Sooo male comedy translates better online? I guess anything I write or produce is just not capable to translating as well online because it isn't "male comedy"? WHAT THE HELL IS "MALE COMEDY" ANYWAY? Comedy for men? About men? By men? About men things?

Have you just made that sexist statement for marketing purposes as you try to brand yourselves and reach a target demographic? DOUCHEBAG CITY UP IN THERE.

The best comedy is the smart shit that everyone can enjoy and relate to. You don't question if it is male or female. Should I go through my comedy collection and think about which DVDs or books are male vs female? It's people like you that discourage people from thinking women can be fun, funny or cool. And in turn, it's attitudes like these from which douchebaggy women thrive. If you want women to be cool and interesting, you ought to treat them as such.


(to those of you who work at College Humor and did not realize this statement was being made on your behalf and disagree with it- say something!)

Great Comedy Discovery: The Mighty Boosh!

Hey all, Thanks to John's good taste, I have been recommended to watch an excellent BBC comedy. It's very current, creative, silly - and along the lines of something 'out there' and experimental you might expect from Adult Swim.

Here is the first part of one episode:

If you'd like to keep watching, here is:
Part 2
Part 3


Saturday, April 19, 2008

I'm really excited to party hard and summer it up
but I am exhausted
there's just been
a lot

thank god for maui

i'll refuel

and when i come back
i'll let it out
gone wild
I will gone wild
like a fink is supposed to do

Friday, April 18, 2008

They executed me on Gawker!

I had been a Gawker commenter for a lil while now, and today I got executed. One anonymous person said something nice about me, and the rest are kinda flamey.

I will ALWAYS ALWAYS think it is pathetic to randomly insult people and be mean on the internet.

I remember some of my first experiences communicating with others on the internet in venues where people can be anonymous. Such people have NO BALLS. I always use my real name. Cause it's me. Not some stupid fantasy character alias where I can FINALLY be the tough guy I wish I was.

I don't like being called names by people who don't know me. It's not so terrible, but it's at the very least unpleasant.

Thursday, April 17, 2008


A movie that begins with a bloody suicide scene turns out to be one of the most creative movies I've scene in a long time. Wristcutters is an inventive comedy for the most part, with a satisfying love story thrown in.

The cast is sprinkled with indie favorities - universal hipster crush Shannon Sossamon; Almost Famous' Patrick Fugit; Tom Waits; Shea Whigham; Will Arnett in a bit part; that skinny guy from Me, You and Everyone You Know, and Abraham Benrubi who first caught my attention in Parker Lewis Can't Lose.

The movie is about a special afterlife for folks who committed suicide where everything is the same, but a little worse. Everything is clever, but not too over the top. One character who offed himself was a member of a band in the real world, he still carries a cassette of his music in life, the music is actually Gogol Bordello.

They do a great job. The film has a real imagination, heart, and is simply well made. New favorite! Get to your Netflixes and add Wristcutters: A Love Story at once.

Here is the single that is supposed to be from the Russian character's earthly band:

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

I'd rather have someone human and available and raw and open. Don't give me someone cold, or cut off, or someone who considers themselves dignified.

- Lily Tomlin about David O Russell after his famous on set rampage

hey I used to do this

I was feeling reminiscent about my college comedy group and took a look at the old website using the wayback machine

Here we are, Capitol goga. Capitol cause it was DC, goga cause it stood for girl on girl action. Cause, as you can see, we were a bunch of snatchypies.

There was a listing of the shows we did on the site:
December 2001- Hippodrome, opening for Jimmie's Chicken Shack
April 26, 2002- Hippodrome, our 1st full length show
July 7, 2002- Upright Citizen's Brigade Theatre, NYC Del Close Improv Marathon
September 20, 2002- Full length show, Betts Marvin Center Theatre at GWU
November 15, 2002- We open the First DC Improv Festival at Art-O-Matic
December 13, 2002-First show where proceeds go to charity (Elisabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation and Voices For Choices Campaign to End Abortion Clinic Violence).
January 25, 2003- Full Length Show in Betts Theatre
March 11, 2003- Lisner Downstage all improv show
April 4, 2003- Full Length Charity show, MC Ballroom, proceeds go to PUSH America's Drive to Help the Disabled.
April 24, 2003- We are nominated for Performance Group of the Year and Student Org of the Year and perform at the Excellence in Student Life Awards at GWU's Ballroom.
September 2003- Workshop and performance with Second City during Welcome Week
October 25, 2003-Improv and sketch at the MC Ballroom
December 13, 2003- Variety Show
February 21, 2004- Show
February 27, 2004- Dirty South Improv Fest

That was pretty cool.

Friday, April 11, 2008

yes, my balls

photograph by Zack Gold

Hey! I just ate some more sugar again and now I am bouncing around. I forgot how easy that was.

- Artie Lang is an ass. He is flipping out over paying his assistant 45 grand a year. And then also, well, you gotta hear it.
- Oxytocin love hormone. Interesting.
- Best Comedy Sketches ever ranking, a lot of great choices there.
- Photos from the new Watchmen movie
- Heyo! Don't do meth.
- Interesting article about anger in relationships
- My friend Gabe made this movie Poultygeist, go see it at 7 or 10 to meet the filmmakers. There will be an afterparty sponsored by the Onion! You like that don't you?
- Bizarre and funny website for Pam Tanner
- Top Chef fight!

Last evening was lovely. Cause it was so warm! And I had good company. Grabbed a drink at Tailor. Definitely want to go back there for food. One of the Top Chef judges was there. And Nora Jones dined next to us at Five Points where we went later. Celebs are like candelabras when it comes to people at public places. Nice decorations. Spruces the place up a bit. Anyways, this chic came up to Nora J and asked to take her picture, with her laptop! That was kinda odd. Nora obliged.

Donna Langley, president of production at Universal, on Tina: "Tina really is the new woman who can have it all. [On TV], she navigates a man's world but maintains her own sense of self, she never has to compromise her ideals to get what she wants — yet she's not manipulative or coquettish. In her personal life, she's married, she has a lovely baby, she was the first woman to be the head writer at SNL — she's crossed all these barriers and milestones as a woman, so it makes her a great role model.''

Google is INSANE. I was reading an email from a fellow I would like to sleep with, and up pops this:

I actually looked at the email again and it showed that ad again. I didn't see any language in the email that would prompt such an ad. Totally f'ed up. Google is obviously reading my private thoughts.

On May 7th, at 3pm on CBS, I will be on the Dr Phil show. I will post the video here, worry not. Unless of course, it is a big embarrassing mess. I dunno! I haven't seen it yet. BONUS! The fella who the show is about will be appearing on the May 12th Street Meat. Should make for great entertainment :) I'll tell you who it is after it airs, as I am contractually required to be hush hush.

even though I am not so sure about her campaign at this point

and fuck yeah I'm a feminist
suck my big chubby balls

Thursday, April 10, 2008

please just watch this all the way through

we just had an ice cream sundae party at work and i had seconds
this is the best thing and my favorite video and i am laughing so hard

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

filmin a new video

Rob talks into Kevin's Boobmike

Yesterday we shot a new comedy video that I wrote, and this time Kevin Allison starred in the main role. It was awesome! He nailed it. And it was so exciting/a lil intimidating to direct someone whose work I've admired for some time- (yes Kevin Allison from the State). This was actually the first time I directed a video that was as acting intensive as this one, so it was really enjoyable even though I felt pretty green.

Can't wait to share it with you all!

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

moar stuff for you guys! the readers! read stuff! stuff like this

why not

I wrote this while sitting in my bed at 1am last night with chocolate hands:
if you would ask me about what turned out to be the end of a particularly fabulous evening
i would say that i wound up in a mess of strawberries, chocolate and whipped cream
you see, i've ordered from fresh direct recently, it was nothing sexual
i'll explain later

Last night I saw Tim Minchin perform and he was brilliant! Another reason why I am cool is that I got to see it for free. Please go see his show. It made me feel super happy! It is worth every penny.

And after we went to this amazing Cabaret where Tim performed and it was awesome cause I've never been to a place like that and sometimes I just wanna explode (and in this kind of explosion beams of happy light would burst out of my busted open flesh) because NYC is so fun and awesome and there keeps on being cool new stuff to do!

I drank too too much wine though. That's when (at approximately 1am) I got into the strawberries and chocolate and whipped cream in my fridge and I got it all over my face and hands and in my bed too.

One of my comedy crushes, Charlene Yi (who you may remember from Knocked Up), mocks "man on the street" segments cheaply and perfectly:

- Passive Aggresive Notes
- Postcards from Your Momma
- Stop! Hammertime

'At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt.' - John McCain (really)

i thought this ice cream was pretty sexy

omg excited for Friday

Monday, April 07, 2008

all manner of oils

I have been literally drooling (well actually I've been keeping it in my mouth so it's more like watering/intermouth drooling) over this man, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, ever since I caught an episode of New Amsterdam. He is boner city all the way. Look at those pants! They don't wanna be on him anymore! I swear if I see that man in this city I will destroy his panties.
All of your base are belong to me Mr Coster-Waldau.

British people talk like dorks and it's adorable. From George Clooney's girlfriend's ex boyfriend:
She'd tell me to lie on the bed as she mixed together all manner of oils and then slowly rub them all over me ...
We had such wonderful times having sex all night covered in her slippery love concoctions.

I'd hit that:

Steven Malkmus is totally doable.

click to read bigger

More funny ads here

The girlfriend on Dexter annoys me how she is written - she's just a female in his life offering no depth - nothing Dexter can relate to - just nice, available to be protected. I don't like how we don't require more soul and mind from women in the world. I think it discourages women from being more interesting if they can be desired simply for the roles they play in a man's life.

The world is an endlessly exciting place. I was watching Anthony Bourdain because he is great, and he was eating all of these fun foods in Ghana. Since NY has everything you could ever want, I thought sure we have Ghanaese food too. We do! Up on 113th and 8th Ave there is a place. And so I really love Ethiopian food and I realized I haven't tried other African cuisines, aside from Moroccan/mediterranean style food. But don't you dare forget what I said! New York has everything you want and THE WORLD IS AN ENDLESSLY EXCITING PLACE!

What's that? I dunno but I'd hit that too.

Just check out the places listed on menupages for African. Here you will discover:
- South African in Ft Greene
- Ghana food in Harlem
- Egyptian in the East Village

and if you like Ethiopian, Meskel is the best I've had in NYC (DC has great Ethiopian, my favorite spot was in Adams Morgan)
If you haven't tried Ethiopian, please first do not make the stupid joke about them being starving and not having food. Everyone makes that joke and I don't know how the starving people have such great food, but they do. You eat with your hands/ this super tasty spongy/moist sourdough flavor bread. It's kinda like naan, but moist. and you scoop up these little mounds of yummy flavored food. Sooo awesome. Once you have it you will crave it again. But you'd have to like the taste of sourdough bread.

Kanye West has a blog just like me! And he's kinda funny. And he's really into design and fancy backpacks and other cool bullshit like that. Actually, I am starting to think everything he thinks is cool, is really cool. Like Millionaire sunglasses. Kanye even has a vimeo! How contemporary.

Oh it's so special here. Thing of the now? Monkey Town - a really odd cool Williamsburg space with avant guarde performance and movies, plus fancy cool food.
Check it.

Friday, April 04, 2008

Now let's have a little fun

a delightful fake ad (click to see larger)

domokun dress!

chocolate and vanilla cupcakes that are both in the same cupcake yeah seriously

DID: Buy overpriced tickets to the Death Cab show that is on my birthday.
DID NOT: Sold Beach House tickets because it was sold out and therefore in demand, and I was warned they would be bad live. Pleased that I did so. Heard it was bad.

This describes my favorite food from just about any cuisine:
Take a grilled or sauteed, not fried, animal (especially sea creatures)
add tomatoes - fresh or sauteed
fresh green herbs - cilantro or basil
spice - curries, chilis, various sauces
and make it wet - with some kinda tangy yumsauce. no, not semen, never ever do I mean "semen" when I say "tangy yumsauce"

Last night however, I ate things that were not my favorite. I joined some friends around 11pm at Congee on Bowery after some drinking. One person decided to experiment and order duck feet. So I went along with him, and instead of ordering something delicious, I went adventurous and decided to order a dish of duck tongues. Big mistake. They are smelly and have bones in them. Bones in the little nasty tongues. Fuck you China. You did this to me.

On Being a Woman Part 2

Women can be powerful, they just have to be fun at the same time in order to conquer.
Humor is more powerful than any social tool we have
and humor does not exist without 2 things: confidence and understanding.

I don't think a woman from an affluent background could be president because she doesn't understand the people well enough to win them over. And she certainly hasn't learned how to play because she isn't a part of the boys club. She will never be let in.

Today, personality and speeches aren't just everything, they are the only thing.

Obama will win.

What woman will be our knight in shining armor?
She hasn't come yet.

On Being a Woman Part 1

Being a woman is about existing with the full knowledge that you will be treated like shit by men, be objectified like a piece of meat, and be disrespected by most. It's simply an accepted fact of life. It's just the way it is. Sounds shitty, right? We prefer not to think of things this way - as it doesn't happen all the time, and some men are evolved and good. But that is a major reality.

It's not too dissimilar from the human condition. It is natural to expect as a human being that you will have to struggle to come up in the world, and that everyone is not going to be nice to you. You will have to fight in the naturally capitalist world in order to achieve.

The difference with women is that we have to fight the same fight in addition to being the weaker sex, which is what we are perceived as - even though the open minded will say hey - you are stronger in other ways; honestly we are weaker as we are not the ones in control, only in control in some ways.

I don't believe men are less emotional than women. I think their emotions are as powerful and intensely ferocious as any woman - but I do think that men have a greater disconnect from their emotions. They have greater control over them. This helps them in achieving goals and ambitions, as emotions are extremely powerful and therefore distracting. However, it hurts them in self-discovery and discerning right from wrong. It handicaps them in finding happiness and knowing how to express empathy and treat their fellow man.

And so it is this handicap, the difficulty for a man's empathy to be realized, that creates a reality where women are treated poorly by men. Romantic relationships are the most personal and volatile relationships, next to familial relationships. It is in these volatile relationships that a man's difficulty with his emotions becomes caustic. And as men are the status quo, their shortcomings are accepted as a humorous flaw in human nature. When men are pigs, it can be laughed off as a part of life.

Female shortcomings are not seen as funny. We are sluts, we are bitches, and we are crazy and unreasonable. That is one example of the fact that we are the weaker sex. Social favoritism.

It is difficult to have these emotions as a female. I recognize that I cry more easily. Crying is surrendering. Crying is giving into swells of emotions so intense that one must stop for a moment to let it out and let it go.

But that is the interesting thing. We females emote pain on our surface, expressing care and sadness more regularly. Men usually harbor these feelings deep inside until it tears them apart or leads to violence or anger - anger which is usually directed toward women.

We live in a world where it is simply reality that we will be dicked over and men will be jerks to us. And yet we are more easily hurt. I understand this. I am not bitter. This is life.

It is very difficult to be a woman. Don't ever kid yourself that it's not.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

How truly unfortunate.

I had been drinking and indulging too much the past weekend and week before. And it caught up to me this week. But really, it ought not to. I had this awful crazy burning heartburn in my chest for 3 days straight. And I read about it and knew what it was. A feeling as though an alien is growing in your ribcage. I tried to be a little careful but I was still drinking and still eating yummy things and it wasn't going away. It wasn't until yesterday that I ate only stuff that this chart about heartburn said was ok, and I drank only one itty bitty pbr that it finally went away.

But really now, beer drinking and fine meals should not bring a young lady down. How terribly unfortunate that such behavior carries any consequence. Or consequence as such that are not the well known socially destructive effects of alcohol and fattymaking destructive effects of over eating.

Moving on.

This straight dude is pretty cool.

This song is stuck in my head:

It's all pretty and soft like your momma's butt.

I was going to see Chevy Chase at 8pm at UCB theatre tonight. But I can't make it. Say my name at reception to get my seats. You'll still have to pay and wait on line. It's not like me and Chase are tight. But what would it be like if we were? Kind of odd really. I don't think we belong together.

This made me laugh! I like it.
Speaking of which ... I don't really have many full out comedies on my favorite movies of all time list. So let me think about my favorite comedy moves, here's a couple:
- Wet Hot American Summer
- Slackers
- Ghostbusters
- 40 Year Old Virgin
- Superbad
- The Jerk
- Old School
- Police Academy 3

I left a lot off the list because they were more than comedies to me - like John Hughes stuff, Pee Wee, Back to School, etc - I am talking stuff purely from the comedy comedians. Which reminds me, Madeline Kahn is great. Reggie Watts recently said I reminded him of young Madeline Kahn and I didn't take it as a compliment till I googled her. Possibly one of the funniest comedy actresses ever. So then, thank you kindly RW.

Maybe you would like to see me perform comedy this evening in the Lower East Side? You may at your liesure. 9pm at the GBA show, Parkside Lounge, 317 E Houston St @ Clinton. There's music if you like that. You might.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Smallest Known Black Hole Spotted


Jason Segel is one of my favorite things ever

and he is combining himself with other things that are my favorite things ever: Muppets and Judd Apatow.

For one example of why I love Jason Segal, here is a clip from the hilarious movie Slackers:

You gotta see the whole movie if you haven't. It's one of my favorite comedies.

And for an example of why I love the muppets so much, catch this ahead of its time video from the hilarious Jim Henson:

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

I'm Pregnant.

Oh and also come to see me perform standup tonight, April 1st, at 8pm in Williamsburg @ Spike Hill on Bedford St btwn N 7th and N 8th.

Gluttony Presents a Comedy Variety Hour - mix of improv and other stuff. Free.