Sunday, September 28, 2008

New Video: Standup at UCB Theatre Sept 2008

Hey guys,

I haven't taped my standup in a long time. And so I did last weekend at Olde English's "Very Fresh" show! And so here it is! Yep.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

i was holding the honey bear over by the coffee machine at work, and it occurred to me to try and weigh the honey bear on the postage stamp machine and to try shoving it in the machine and then mail it to somebody like it was an important business document, even though it would very obviously be a used honey bear

something about mailing things that aren't supposed to be mailed really makes me happy and it makes me laugh, especially combined with shoving things in machines that don't fit or are being improperly used
i feel the same way about this as i do about throwing stuff out the window
it's just so inexplicably hiliarous to me
it almost feels private how funny it is
and also it makes me feel like a pervert or something

someday i'll have my own company and things will be run my way

Before I can even form an opinion on Economic Bailout - I need this:

Someone needs to tell me, point blank, in black and white
1) What has gone wrong
2) What bad things will come of it - STEP BY STEP what may likely happen next, and multiple scenarios that could play out
3) What bad things have already come of it, with evidence, from various economic perspectives

We all get kept in the dark.
We can be left to draw conclusions, or consume the headlines and conclusions of others
but we are the pawns of the media and the media are pawns of strategists and propagandists and emotion
and pawns of ratings and cash monies

A truly wonderful democratic government would walk us through these steps so we could understand, and great minds from all walks of life could step forth with ideas and solutions.

All we know now are vague statements like 'the market is crashing', 'subprime mortages', 'the next great depression'
ok ok ok
calm down people - how? How will this play out? We can figure it out and come up with better ways to prevent it than giving some shit companies a really big check. (that would be called panicking and doing something because you can't think of a real solution)


it is mad dismal up in this city today

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Scary Gross Racists Disgrace My Home :(

I'm really upset about this racist who is infiltrating my home town of Roxbury, NJ. It is a beautiful place full of great people and I loved growing up there.

I started googling about it and I found out that these people exist:
Alex Charmichael a lawyer from NJ who started this racist group called the League of American Patriots
this guy, William White
Who looks like this!

in his photo series about how he hates mexicans.
They say a wide variety of infuriating and unintelligent things.

My instinctual urge is to find these people and rip their heads off. Seriously, testosterone is building inside me and I feel anger and a swell of emotions that motivate me to want to show up on these fuckers doorsteps and put them in their pathetic, unintellgent, middle aged un accomplished white dudes' place.

Of course they are proud of being white - they have NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF so they have to come up with some reason. Anyone who is proud about their race - who takes the time and brain cells to pick out something so general and non-specific and invent reasons for its superiority

Anyone who sits around dwelling on ideas about other people's differences and thinking about how much better they think they are long enough to actually become racist and feel threatened in an important way about people from other races - lacks intelligence - and yes - unequivocally - THEY ARE DOING IT WRONG. ALL OF IT. LIFE. RACISTS SUCK AT LIFE.

Sure. I will make race related and insensitive jokes - because I feel that you need to discuss real things about society in the dialog of humor - that's healthy and good - especially when it comes to thinking about how people are different. So trust me I am not some uptight girl. And I know the difference between jokes and real racism. And I'm not saying it's all black and white and cut and dry because it isn't.

But there are people who are full of hate. It is so easy to get upset by these people. But it isn't healthy to find them and rip their heads off. It isn't healthy to pee on their mailboxes or mail raw meat to their houses as I would totally love to do - because then you get wrapped up in their hate and it feeds into you like the pink slime in Ghostbusters 2.

You just have to make sure that in your life, you are great. That's the best defense against evil - you personally take responsibility for as much goodness as you can muster. Just be great - to the world, yourself, and others - and your greatness will surpass any efforts of disgusting losers.

PS- The guys I write about here - Alex and his group, posted flyers around my town saying "who wants a black president" and it says bad stuff about black people.
I just want a good president. Why would you ask me if they are black or white?

Ted Bundy, Charles Manson and many other heterosexual Christian white males are horrible - but does that mean I don't think a white president would be ok? No. I liked Bill Clinton.

How about just a good president? The one we have right now is white, and he destroyed our country's economy among other such atrocities. So, um. FAIL. That guy failed with his posters and his question because it's not only stupid but it's unsuccessful at winning over the minds of others.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Stephen really gets me

stephen's muscle
From: Heather Fink
Date: Tue, Sep 23, 2008 at 4:03 PM
To: Stephen

i had all this coffee and i shouldnt have and i am freaking the fuck out
sometimes it doesnt affect me but i feel totally high right now and i
cant handle my shit for shit dammit i need ot come down off this stuff

From: Stephen
Date: Tue, Sep 23, 2008 at 4:48 PM
To: Heather Fink

you really need to calm the fuck down

the only way to fix it is to get wasted

From: Heather Fink
Date: Tue, Sep 23, 2008 at 4:49 PM
To: Stephen

but i'm at fuxkiing work
\are you sure thats a good idea shit mybe yeah ok i just took a swig
of scotch some smelly old bottle i keep stored in my pantyhose ok
i just fell down
i think that i dont have my job anymore

From: Stephen
Date: Tue, Sep 23, 2008 at 4:52 PM
To: Heather Fink

just drink a shitload and get your job back

everything will be fine my little candied yam

From: Heather Fink
Date: Tue, Sep 23, 2008 at 4:53 PM
To: Stephen

this is just like in that episode of growing pains where carol drank
and puked on her pimp but he let her continue to work for him anyways

From: Stephen
Date: Tue, Sep 23, 2008 at 4:59 PM
To: Heather Fink

wtf i'm not 35, why the fuck are you referencing fucking growing pains and shit, i never watched that bullshit

From: Heather Fink
Date: Tue, Sep 23, 2008 at 5:04 PM
To: Stephen

"if you take two sandwhichs and put meat in between them then you have
a really big sandwhich
it's eatable but i dont think that its ok to do" - abe lincoln

From: Stephen
Date: Tue, Sep 23, 2008 at 5:07 PM
To: Heather Fink

that's the sort of president we need right now in these tough economic times

Monday, September 22, 2008

Cinnamon is an excellent meat spice and should be used more often especially in balled meats

Think about a good place where you can draw a wiener on a seat with a sharpie. There are no wrong answers. Ok, now move on.

Tonight I perform in Williamsburg. Good lineup so it should be a good show too ... yes.

I saw a Yankees game Friday night. Yankees are handsome.
Handsome Yankees!

Lou Gehrig was handsome. So are A-Rod and Jeter even though they aren't my style. Johnny Damon has a nice quality to his appearance as well.

And same for Carl Pavano. He is so handsome it is completely fucked up and it makes me feel nausea.

I mean really holy shit what is that thing? Is that a human man who looks hot as fuck and throws balls really well? Does he really exist and could I, in this universe, touch that man? Sorry for the swearing it's un lady like.

Time to be a lady. Heyyyy so I like to carry my purse pocket book ... yeahhhhh!

From the NY Post:
Read Article Here
"Throughout the business, there are signs posted stating that there is no sex allowed ... "When I work late, 'til 11 or midnight, I hear slapping and screaming, like whack, followed by ahh!" said freelance photographer Martin Crock, whose studio is on the floor above the pain palace ... Marie Santiago, who used to be the superintendent of a Staten Island building where Reeve lived for several years, called him a "freak."

"When they left, we found out they were total freaks. We found videos of him and people playing with people dressed up as dinosaurs," she said.

That was funny, and this isn't. Some people have romanticized the idea of prostitution. Just a little reminder that human trafficking and the sex trade are extremely fucked up. It's rarely some interesting character you might meet in a movie. It's a real woman whose life is a big horrible cum stain. If you want to support women who are victims of abuse and domestic violence, why not give some money to Rainn or Safe Horizon? I know with safe horizon you can simply sign up online to automatically give 10 bucks a month - very easy to afford.

Beth Gibbons and Rustin Man's "Out of Season" from 2003 is a crazy good album, and here are 4 songs from that album:

Discover !

Thursday, September 18, 2008


Mugison is a new music that I like. It's this great dude from Iceland on Mike Patton's Ipecac Records. Mike Patton is soooo sexy but that doesn't have to do with anything.

Mugison is playing Sunday night at Union Pool in Brooklyn. I just might go, even though I don't like having plans on Sunday nights.

My two favorite tracks are Deep Breathing (softer sounding) and I'm Alright (lil harder sounding)
Listen to them here:

Discover Mugison!

Discover Mugison!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Shows in September and other words/image stuffs

- Mon 9/15 @ 8:30: STANDUP - Comedy Dungeon, 36 W. 106 ST. @ CPW, Free
- Weds 9/17 @ 9:30: GUEST (doing a bit made just for this show) 12 Angry Mascots w/Neil Janowitz, UCB Theatre, 307 W 26th, $5
- Sat 9/20 @ midnight: STANDUP Very Fresh w/Olde English, UCB Theatre, 307 W 26th, $5
- Mon 9/22 @ 8pm: STANDUP (in Williamsburg), Hit the Bricks, Trash Bar, 256 Grand St, open bar 8-9pm w/$7 admission

(notice the change for Saturday's show, I will be doing standup, not a bit)

I think I'm going to do standup more infrequently, and I'm not going to really write new standup unless something really strikes me. I'd rather place new jokes and concepts in videos. What's a specific goal with this here comedy stuff? Glad you asked. Most of all, I'd like to be a writer/performer in a tv sketch comedy show.

I'm getting a lil semi-bone for all this camera equipment lately ... nothing brings me greater joy at this junction in my life to be able to do shoot what I want. Getting ready to shoot some new stuff in a couple weeks.

Weekend highlights? Yes, I have some.

Thurston Moore at Fender Jazzmaster 50th Anniversary - one of the rawest, most sexual, honest, personal musical moments I've seen. He just got so into the guitar, completely entranced, just putting himself into it - playing with the sound and with Sonic Youth bandmate Ranaldo ... I've got so much respect for this man as an artist.

Saw Burn After Reading. It's great. Not like - omg my new favorite- but it's excellent because I've never seen a screenplay quite like that. It's a completely original and fresh take on comedy. The character play is wonderful. It's almost clownish/vaudvillian at moments. Brad Pitt, Frances McDormand, and John Malchovich are really something else. Go Coen Brothers!

By the way:
I think Sara Benincasa does the funniest Sarah Palin of all ...

Thursday, September 11, 2008

My pants are too tight in the crotch

so if you see me today you'll know why I'm slightly on edge.



On the israel trip
stephen made me laugh a lot
when he said in a botched Israeli accent
"Our band is called Ghh-oldplay, we are Israel's Coldplay, we are very good"

Anus Madness is the name of a ringtone my company makes.

How Not to Hit on Models
Neel: This place is so dead.
Janelle: Are you serious? It's packed, I can't even get a drink.
Neel: Whatever. Do you want to go back to my place? I have a loft in Tribeca.
Janelle: Are you serious?
Neel: Yes.
Janelle: I'll pass.

Skinny models
I haven't been able to look at skinny people the same way ever since I visited the Holocaust museum in Israel.

But seriously folks,
Starving your body is just fucking ugly and wrong. People are trying so hard just to end up looking stupid, like when I see someone smoking a cigarette, they just look stupid. But when I see an anorexic, it's stupid and sad. Eat healthy foods and exercise, trust me it's a good idea.

Beautiful songs:

Blizzard of 77 by Nada Surf
And the new Jesu tracks from "why we are not perfect"

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The Good Thing About Palin

Listen, I was a big time Hillary supporter, and I'm not that crazy about Obama (because I need more than great speeches to believe in somebody). But I'm still going to vote for him - because all politicians and governments are flawed and I at least need to: 1) support a regime change, 2) make sure that like-minded Supreme Court Justices are appointed during the next administration, and 3) vote for someone with basic like-minded ideals, ideals that apply to modern society. Go Obama.

the good thing about Palin is that she's a winner in the war of ideas. The idea of a female leader has become more natural - with both Palin and Clinton as political figures in this year's presidential election.

Palin is very different than Clinton, real and strong in her own ways. I don't agree with her views and actions, but perhaps they work well in smalltown Alaska. Either way, people are excited by her, and they were excited by H Clinton. At least we are experiencing new ideas about women as leaders.

Women Against Sarah Palin

Street Meat September 2008

Clappy clappy!
Hey dudes,

Did you miss Street Meat on Monday?

I'm planning to upload video from all the different acts (and from a couple of shows in the past) but here's some video from the 2 bits Rob and I put together (thanks cameraman Dan Zimmer):
Michael Phelps and Israeli Bronze Medalist

McCain and Palin visit the Lower East Side

this tasted very delicious

I like to eat really very much healthy a lot full of organics and the freshness and such 100% type things. Here is a new recipe I concocted and it was especially yummy:


Combine in a saucepan:
- arugula
- tuna (I got some bumble bee premium in a gold can and it was fantastic, just a dollar more)
- sundried tomatoes (chop them)
(use the moisture from the canned tuna and a lil olive oil to saute the argula)

Combine to make a sauce:
- plain fat-free yogurt (I used greek yogurt, has a sexy texture)
- cucumber (dice it up)

if you like spicy: sambal oelek (chili sauce)

suggested seasonings: olive oil, salt, dill, lemon or lime juice (can be mixed into the sauce)

Wrap it up in a warmed whole wheat wrap.

PS -
sambal oelek (chili sauce) combines really well with plain greek yogurt! add a lil honey and it's also yummy, it's a great dip too

Monday, September 08, 2008

First Day of School!

My slacks pressed.
I've got on my new Backpack.
I'm so ready for the fall.
This year is going to be different.
It's going to be good.
And better yet, there's an incredible snack pack in here.

(ps I do not know this boy or how he got here)

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Monday! Street Meat is back for the fall season.

Mon Sept 8 @ 8pm
Cake Shop (bar/stage downstairs) 152 Ludlow St btwn Rivington/Stanton

Hosted by Heather Fink and Rob Lathan
Character Comedy w/
- Donald Glover (30 Rock, Derrick Comedy)
- Steve Bossous (Don't Touch Me There)
- Jake Goldman (, Mortified)
- Glennis McMurray (I Eat Pandas, Conan O Brian)
- and stand up from Adam Newman (Tyra Banks Show, College Humor)

If you're a Street Meat regular, notice the new co-host Rob Lathan.
I'm very excited to have him on the show. He's one of NYC's most amazing character performers, and if you love UCB, you've probably seen him already. Expect more yummy bits and characters in fall 08's meat.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

On Feeling Pretty: oh hey I moddleledd last night!

That's me!  In Mandate of Heaven

From my experience, there is something important about feeling pretty for a woman. The mixture of social and biological importance placed upon female beauty is probably the obvious reason.

I do feel pretty right now. And I haven't for a while. I am a woman. It is a natural thing that no matter what, I will look in the mirror and be an asshole to myself. But right now, at 27, I'm experiencing something new for my age: comfort with and acceptance of my looks and my body as a whole.

Treating it right is part of it. I finally have the discipline to eat healthy and exercise regularly. I've been doing so since march - and guess what? Eating right and exercising ACTUALLY WORKS. Who knew?

Last night I was paid compliments for my appearance. I was a model in my friend's fashion show. It helped me feel good. I felt shitty for a while. Was dating a hot dude who could have any girl he wanted. He wasn't good about giving compliments, like ever. He was a good person, just not good about that sort of thing. Bashful, young, a dude. Either way, I felt a panicked physical inferiority to every pretty temptation that walked the street. That feeling is fleeting now that it's over.

Even though I felt so silly on that runway, posing in front of people, it was cool to be able to showcase myself in this way. I love Carissa, the designer of Mandate of Heaven. She is one of the world's creative, hard working, good hearted, beautiful people. Happy to be a part of what she does.

This is another thing I feel lucky and appreciative for. I know I'm lucky to have a pleasing appearance (to those who dig it, blah blah blah) - and I think about being lucky in certain ways - good health, good life situation - and once again the only thing that allows me to accept and understand it is deciding that I have to work really hard in life and do the most I can. It feels self-righteous typing this out. But worth saying. Coming to terms with positivity and happiness isn't exactly easy. What about guilt? What about the fear of losing it? What about all the self-doubt that follows goodness?

Work hard, give to others whenever you can, be honest and sincere. Appreciate beauty. Don't abuse yourself. These are things that I understand to a better extent right now.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

at the beach

a couple new photos
didn't add the lobster cooking photos ... things got a little out of hand when we handled the beasts