Thursday, September 04, 2008

On Feeling Pretty: oh hey I moddleledd last night!

That's me!  In Mandate of Heaven

From my experience, there is something important about feeling pretty for a woman. The mixture of social and biological importance placed upon female beauty is probably the obvious reason.

I do feel pretty right now. And I haven't for a while. I am a woman. It is a natural thing that no matter what, I will look in the mirror and be an asshole to myself. But right now, at 27, I'm experiencing something new for my age: comfort with and acceptance of my looks and my body as a whole.

Treating it right is part of it. I finally have the discipline to eat healthy and exercise regularly. I've been doing so since march - and guess what? Eating right and exercising ACTUALLY WORKS. Who knew?

Last night I was paid compliments for my appearance. I was a model in my friend's fashion show. It helped me feel good. I felt shitty for a while. Was dating a hot dude who could have any girl he wanted. He wasn't good about giving compliments, like ever. He was a good person, just not good about that sort of thing. Bashful, young, a dude. Either way, I felt a panicked physical inferiority to every pretty temptation that walked the street. That feeling is fleeting now that it's over.

Even though I felt so silly on that runway, posing in front of people, it was cool to be able to showcase myself in this way. I love Carissa, the designer of Mandate of Heaven. She is one of the world's creative, hard working, good hearted, beautiful people. Happy to be a part of what she does.

This is another thing I feel lucky and appreciative for. I know I'm lucky to have a pleasing appearance (to those who dig it, blah blah blah) - and I think about being lucky in certain ways - good health, good life situation - and once again the only thing that allows me to accept and understand it is deciding that I have to work really hard in life and do the most I can. It feels self-righteous typing this out. But worth saying. Coming to terms with positivity and happiness isn't exactly easy. What about guilt? What about the fear of losing it? What about all the self-doubt that follows goodness?

Work hard, give to others whenever you can, be honest and sincere. Appreciate beauty. Don't abuse yourself. These are things that I understand to a better extent right now.

No comments: