Friday, January 30, 2009

snack stadium

also, tonight a free ice cream and tequila party

and a bjork party?!

have fun tonight kidz

PS - Dear the moneyless, I managed to have a funfilled Thursday night out spending little to nothing. I went to some free event that had free absinthe, adrian grenier, and terrible house music to start things off, then got treated to dinner by the angel Eliza FS at Butter, and got in on some free bottle service action at the hands of life of the partie Artie Fuqua at Cain, where women danced on a table stage with white feathers on their bras, and they laid down some reliable hip hop standards. The evening was cheesy and seemed like NYC in its 90s clubby glory days. I even stopped into Bungalow 8 on the way home, err. I don't quite get why all those places are exclusive but I F'ing love VIP treatment and free things always.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

And now you can do anything you've ever wanted

and so much more:
- All you can eat BBQ in Manhattan on Monday nights for 25 bucks. I'm not usually one for gutbusters, but unlimited meats give me a hard on smile.

- At Monkeytown spend 40 bucks and get a fancy meal with great music videos playing while you dine.

- I want this, but it's $2450, so I will not have it.

- Were you ever curious how much superbowl tickets actually cost?

- Do you Bang the worst dudes?

- I have great disdain for job postings that use the word "Rockstar". There's tons of them btw. Real rockstars eat marketing interns for breakfast.

- Hackers Crack Into Texas Road Sign, Warn of Zombies Ahead

- I'm not safe today in my apartment. I have quiet loud fantasies. I am quiet when I have them but the fantasies are loud and destructive. I want to break absolutely everything in my apartment today. Don't tell my roommate. She's European and therefore delicate and she won't appreciate it.

- One of these days I will be punished for my thoughts. Maybe I'm being punished already. I don't have any pancakes. Big and fluffy, with blueberries, stacked tall on a big plate on my coffee table. Shit this all seems too crazy stupid to write publicly. I'll do it anyway. Add some spice in here for good measure. I know why the caged bird pancake sings. comedy

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Is that really the reality of today and this moment?

Sometimes I doubt that things are happening as they are. Do you do that? Like today I was in the shower thinking - do I really have this class at 6 today? If I go there will the other people be there and we will start having the class really? Yes of course. It's at 6 and not 6:30 right? Is today even Tuesday? Did I do my shampoo already? And then I went to my class at 6. It was good. My teacher Curtis told us this story:
He was at an audition and there was another audition next door for a beer commercial where a young guy has to kiss an old lady. All of the sudden there was a loud commotion. One of the young guys puked everywhere after he had to kiss the old lady. The end.

On Monday my butt took a ride on Morimoto's fantastical toilet.

There were these buttons.
Most of the buttons didn't work, but I could move the lid and seat up and down with them, and the seat was warmed for me. There were also other various automated things in the bathroom which confused me deeply.

I was at Morimoto having lunch with Gina, the designer of ladies' vegan footwear. Buy her shoes please!

I realized that:
There is nothing hotter than watching a man have fun.
Ugh it gets my balls wound straight up tight when they get all laughy and goofy and have a good time. Smiles. Mischief. Oh boy oh boy. A man having fun is a man at his sexiest.
Maybe that's why I hate guys trying too hard when they hit on you at bars. They don't seem like they are having fun, they seem uncomfortable, fake, scared, and stupid. B Urself Pls Thx.

Michael Ian Black imagines himself as Billy Joel driving toward a holiday party where he knew there was going to be a piano in this McSweeneys piece.

Death to Sound Fix? Sad. On a related note, my heart breaks when a bank, real estate agency, or cell phone store opens adding to the boring landscape of a city block, but my heart melts for the preservation/addition of cultural institutions, restaurants, or mom and pop style shops.
Also - I will be performing Stand Up at Sound Fix on Mon Feb 2nd- it's a free show at 8pm.

Man Babies - I don't like it, but it does exist.

Enjoy a song. Yeasayer - Tightrope

Monday, January 26, 2009

My internet wasn't working and it held me back from sharing all my intense feelings. It was awful. Just awful.

Stuff I did:
- saw M83 at Irving Plaza/Fillmore
- went to Shayna's wonderful B-Day party at UWS Jewish Deli Lansky's and ate delicious things
- chilled with hipster gays and lesbs at Metropolitain
- had a perfect, reasonably priced meal at Le Barricou in Williamsburg on Grand and Lorimer
- saw another Almodovar film - that man is one of the best director/writers ever
- fell in love with Tool Academy

That's all pretty great right? But don't worry, I'm not all roses and butterscotch. I've got this annoying mucousy cold that won't go away, and some various emotional problems that hinder my ability to truly connect with my inner happiness.

Check out Andrea and Jeff's consistently excellent new Blogs:
- Shouldn't But Do
- Should But Don't

Did you know that these guys are married in real life? It's a fact.

Idiotarod is coming up.

There was an interactive war simulation/play staged on the LES called Surrender.

Becky Yamamoto's Chinese New Year Resolutions.

Butthole Road and Crapstone

Song of the day!
Fugazi - The Kill

Thursday, January 22, 2009

So I went to DC on the Keep It Fun comedy bus.

And then I came back!

It was a nice adventure, but a bit disappointing. They had no reason to block off the entire national mall with fences. That was poor planning and it was never done at any past events, marches, or inaugurations. We couldn't really get close to the action.

But I had a perfectly yummy meal at my favorite DC restaurant, Old Ebbitt Grill, and was in very good company. So there's that.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

saturday internet party

Diesel's SFW XXX Party Clip - Watch more Free Videos

And that's not all the tawdry stuff for today - check out Madonna's hairy cupcake.
How do you git in there? That seems like lotsta work.
PS - saiz a gay dude: I think I'm double gay now

I also quite enjoy this toaster design for this digital battery charger:

Hey I liked this when I had it and I wanna look at it right now and think about the fact that I used to like it:

Also, lots of superfatties wanted to rip this torrent in the internet today:


(Thanks Justin SmElliott)

Friday, January 16, 2009

the Brooklyn Kitchen!

discovered this yesterday:

pig butchering class

and lamb butchering class

I want these skills! And they teach knife skills for 25 bucks.

I'm going to take that knife class. Unemployment is doing wonders for my cheffery skills.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Heck yeah I'm gonna fantasize it.

I'm not in a place where I'm gonna get engaged to someone any time soon. But a couple of my best friends just got engaged so I went and did something secret and private (well, not anymore) that a lot of girls do and feel ashamed.

But whatever. Not ashamed. Yes - I fantasized about OMG what my engagement ring would be like.

Ordinarily, I don't want a man's money - too much personal pride to be paid for, and that's way too besides the point of really loving someone.
BUT if a guy happens to be totally loaded, I have no problem helping him spend that cash. That's guilt free. It ain't no thing to him. So far in life, I've only milked this in drinking and dining situations.

However, if a mister money pants wants to make me bride all up on him, then I'd want this:

A basic one carat Tiffany ring - classic setting. $8500
Any bigger and it would be annoying. I'd probably scratch my face and rip my pantyhose and get cut by jerks trying to snatch my jewels.

But if a mister sensible pants, which is more likely, wants to nuptual all over my face, then I think I'd want something like this:

It's pretty! It looks cool! It's 100 bucks!
I'd also be into a hand-me-down ring or something old.

But that's not all. I'd want the ring AND I'd like to take all the money we saved and go on an awesome vacation somewhere. And then every time I look at the ring I'd think about the fun we had! Wheeeee!

See, I thought about it in detail. I'm a lady and ladies be crazy!

But that's ok because dudes always do hazardous things and so the triangles and the poles are always balancing like liberty and justice.

PS -
I love this jewelry.
By Erica Weiner

Sunday, January 11, 2009

A Bit from last night's Street Meat

I had a great time last night! Here's a bit I wrote for the show. I'd love to make this into a video, but I can't afford to right now, so I'll just share it with you here:
Heather - Hi, I'm Montel Williams (talking like an infomercial lady)

Rob - No you're not

H - Hi, I'm Montel Williams, and I'm here to tell you about an
exciting new offer in these exciting and historic times

R - Oh wow, that sounds great

H - I'm here to offer you the Obama Commemorative Cream Set.
What a better way to honor our new leader's Historic Victory than with
this 3 cream set.

R - Wow, that 3 cream set is an excellent way to honor the president, Montel.

H - This set comes with 3 comforting creams
in one convenient case
- a lemon chiffon Cream spread
- a warming night time face lotion
- and a traditional cows milk cream from hawaiian cows, the motherland
of our new leader

R- Those are my favorite creams

H - Your entire family can basque in the warmth and comfort provided
by this Obama Commemorative Cream Set

R - My family loves all creams

H - The Obama Lemon Chiffon Cream Spread will remind you of Obama's
kind eyes as you apply it to your favorite morning scones and muffins.

R - Obama's eyes are the kindest eyes I've ever seen, that sounds great.

H- The Obama warming night face lotion will moisturize your face in
the softness of Obama's gentle touch. Your face will feel like
Obama's warm soul.

R - That sounds like a dream.

H - The Obama Hawaiian Cows Milk Cream will allow you to taste your
president and fill your body with his honorable presence as you drink
it down.

R - Is it also nutritional?

H- It has the same nutritional value of god if god were in liquid form.

R- Wow Montel Williams, that's really nutritious.

H - Exactly. You have to act now - these are limited edition creams.
We only made 100 sets and the Hawaiian cream cows were destroyed after
making these creams.
And that's not all, you also get this certificate of authenticity so
that you know your creams are real.

R - Isn't that the piece of paper you farted on back stage?

H - Montel Williams farts authenticity, Rob.

R- Wow, how can I get these 3 amazing Obama creams?

H - You just have to give me $120 dollars. A small price to pay to
honor our nations president.

R - Everybody thank Montel Williams!

H - Good luck with your show, Rob.

Rob and I with Obama Commemorative Cream Set

Friday, January 09, 2009


no matter how 27 you are
you can always have spring break when theres recessionly priced jagerbombs in your neighborhood


It was funny when
In last night's 30 rock, Tracy Morgan said
... An Affair to Remember? - I was in the remake, "A Blafair to Rememblack"

and he said it like that was a real movie

UM and
this is pretty solid

(thanks karen)


found on a new favorite website where I learned about "pasta the way a whore would make it"

um these pictures got me excited all over my downtheres
aw yeah i likesta git my FREAK on

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Confusion feels like a burning melting

Completely composed outsides with warm wax dripping within

my animal collection

So. Animal Collective new album.

There's these excited sounds of grandeur and explosion - it's all very frenetic and noisy. Really noisy. This album isn't good played softly or low. It's only good loud. And they mix in all of these sounds I don't normally want to have in my songs. Take "Summertime Clothes" - there's something in there from a really bad 80s song - not awesomely bad, just throw away elevator bad. But they did combine it with the right sounds so that it doesn't suck. They are talented combiners. And there's a great deal of optimism in this music.

These songs have to grow on you. In no way do any of them hit me in first listen like - oooh yes - and honestly if it wasn't for the blogs jizzuming all over this record - I wouldn't know that I was required to give it more time. But I did, and it is legitimately solid, original, creative, and modern. Sometimes pretty, but when it's pretty it's also scraping at you.

My favorite song so far is "Also Frightened." The album version is better than what's in that link.

go do this pls

Hey, so I'll be performing a new comedy bit with my cohost Rob, and a character. And I'm probably going to make a cake and put candles in that cake, light em on fire too. Poke my eyes in the ball part with an eyeball sized shovel. You know. Celebrate.

Comedy, Music, $1 Rolling Rocks
and a Party time Celebration! Special Saturday Street Meat
Celebrate 2 Years of STREET MEAT,

Cake Shop's Character Comedy Show
On the Lower East Side - 152 Ludlow Street

Comedy from your Cohosts
PLUS special guest KRISTIN SCHAAL from HBO's Flight of the Conchords
MC CHRIS from ADULT SWIM's Aqua Teen Hunger Force

AND Murderfist AND Adam & Trevor!

ROLLING ROCKS ARE $1 from 8-9 PM !!!
(Thanks Cake Shop!)
Official Site:

Also - you go visit this link, my myspace, to see my updated show calendar. Myspace is good for that.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

My favorite Input

Now that I have more time for television, I've become addicted to various learning shows. First and foremost - cooking shows, then travel, and then random history and learning. I spend the most of my time with Anthony Bourdain, who is my favorite, and Martha.

No Reservations is one of the best tv shows there is.

Other favorites:
- FOOD: Alton Brown (he's a bit annoying but so informational), Iron Chef
- TRAVEL: Rick Steves, Samantha Brown
I'm surprised at my brain's capacity for these shows. I can watch a million dishes being made and I just LOVE it. Don't even get me started on Top Chef. And I only wish Nigella was on, she is so dope - but not really on the tv these days.

Anyhow, I was watching this thing on the artist Francis Bacon, and it helped me understand fine art portraits a little better - and made me think.
They shared some of his thoughts, such as these:
- Appearance is deeply linked with behavior
- You can't make a portrait of a soul but you can paint an appearance
- The challenge is to transform appearance into image

So that's interesting. If I were to sit in front of someone and make a portrait, I could try to paint their appearance - that could include the feelings they give me, the assumptions I make, their essence that they put outward - there's definitely other visuals that come with a person aside from their face. I think that will help me understand how to appreciate a portrait when I see it as art. That stuff just isn't so obvious to me.

And here is one of Bacon's portraits:

"Figure with Meat"

Check out more Francis Bacon.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

today is not a good day

chin is not up

but i feel like obtaining this would make things better
but it would involve spending money which would be irresponsible
but it has a buttflap and is more form fitting than my funemployment outfit
i could wear it out to parties with my high heels on and then everyone would know what kind of girl i am
dont get sold out 70 dollar friend, one day i will have you on me
i guess the chin is up a little since i believe in our eventual pairing
maybe a magic being will come and take care of things because i've been so nice to old people and babies over the years

Monday, January 05, 2009

the new york unemployment website is run by evil buttmasters

seriously, i've been trying all day long to file my claim and the website craps out at different points in the application every time

so evil

it's 6pm and the website is still farting on me

in the meantime this amazing thing has impressed me.

It's 7pm and I can no longer file today online. I have not yet been able to complete the sign up process but you can be sure I tried at least 100 times.

This is pretty F'ing terrible. I haven't yet made it to the end of the process. There's about 11 steps or so I can tell. I always almost make it to the end and then it gives me the error page. I tried filing over the phone too but nobody picks up.

Awesome. PS if you're wondering why I'm filing now, it's cause I had severance and now it's over!

Sunday, January 04, 2009

watchin films in the 2009

I saw 3 already, not in theatres. Liked them all!

Darjeeling Limited

I appreciate Anderson's originality in storytelling. He also creates an enjoyable, colorful, complete world. I thought this movie might be annoying but it's not. The characters are engaging and charming. Overall, original and well made. Not a lot of big action or thrills, just fun quirky adventures.

Paranoid Park

A solid work from Gus Van Sant, a director known for dreamy realism and slow pacing, he really makes it work here. This film is more similar to Elephant than Good Will Hunting, but more substantial. Marked by authentic youthfulness, with music from Elliot Smith. Film is like a fresh cut of life from those skateboarder kid high school days. Very convincing and natural performances from the entire cast. Clever methods of story telling.

Charlie Wilson's War
The movie was ok but the story/history element left a lasting impression. Charlie Wilson was one hell of a character. DVD extras showing the real man were definitely worth checking out. Lots of T and A in this movie btw. Charlie was a ladies man. Here's the thing - this movie is about how the Afghan people got US weapons to battle the Soviets. These are the weapons used against the US today. At the end of the movie Charlie tries to get money for Afghan people to educate them - because this would now be a country with many dead elders, and the US operation was covert, so the Afghan people wouldn't even know that the US helped them. His final quote about the situation was
These things happened. They were glorious and they changed the world... and then we fucked up the endgame.


Went to The Box Last for the first time this weekend

it's a wild, silly, unique lil place.

Final movie related point - That Bride Wars movie trailer is terribly annoying. I really hate trix rabbit scenarios. Stupid situations where the characters are just tortured, ugh. Why would I want to watch that unnecessary strife? EAT THE TRIX DAMMIT. I want to watch that rabbit put those trix in his little bunny mouth.

trix isn't just for kids, dammit its not fair and she knows it and the trix people know it too

i found something out, really important

i found out about the alien invasion ride at splish splash waterpark in long island

i wanna go on that