Wednesday, February 04, 2009

My Personality is the Tall Man Slouching

I had a boyfriend who was 6'5" and he developed a permanent slouch. Tall and handsome, but completely uncomfortable with being all the way up there.

I'm nervous about who I am too.

Being extreme and grandiose is something I've been able to do easily and naturally. I was born this way. I like when it wins me praise and helps me achieve, but otherwise I'm afraid that this power ostracizes me and excludes me from something else that I want - which is not to stand out and be celebrated. It's to be accepted and included.

After 27 years of knowing myself, I realize that I have a lot of anger and difficulty when it comes to exclusion.

My biggest anger is that I'm excluded from being male. I want that power. Freedom. Camaraderie. I want to be one of the guys and I want to be in on that joke. Then there's comedy. I've never been great at collaboration. A former comedy partner of mine is doing well collaborating with someone else, and I can't help but feel left out. He was never that kind or accepting with me. In college I never got into the comedy group there so I started my own. Sometimes I'm not sure if I want a boyfriend, or if I want to be that man. I'm half Jewish, half American, and I'm weird, right? Just kind of weird, and I would have liked to be in that group. I would have liked to know what it's like to be something comfortable.

There's plenty of voices in this world telling you to Think Different and embrace weird. Sometimes weird works. Sometimes weird is what it takes.

But I'm aware of it.
Too aware.

And at every turn I'm afraid.
I don't want to be excluded. So I slouch.
I can't help it at this point.
If you see me socially I might be crippled and silent. I find that when I perform improv I constantly apologetically hold back because I'm afraid of what I have in me. It takes a lot of coddling and comfort for me to be how I really am. If you see me get crazy, silly, or crude, it's because I trust you. Or I really like you. Or you just make me feel comfortable. Some people I know would be surprised that I'd ever be shy at all. And I could imagine that I have a lot of making up to do for the loud mouth I was in high school. But people do forget the details of high school anyhow. We're just silhouettes of the big moments.

I'll bet you can relate to this in some way, right? I'm not sorry for who I am, nor do I find myself pitiful or sad- I better not or else these words would mark me all too publicly vulnerable.

I like to be embraced. Fully embraced. Not just there, not fighting to be there.
Wrapped in tight warm forgiving arms.

I'm fighting so much my muscles are stronger than the rest of me.

No comments: