Los Dangerous

My parents kept telling me to watch out for danger in Los Angeles. My mom said that there's a lot of sleazy comedy clubs, which her imagination told her would be full of seedy guys doing lots of drugs while people watch comedy. My dad said there would be show biz bad guys waiting to snatch me up and make me a star, but instead of giving me a record deal, they would force me into horrible B movies. Well not exactly, but my parents urged me to be careful and told me repeatedly how dangerous Los Angeles is. I come from the quaint little town of Manhattan in New York City, so I suppose mom and dad thought I'd be ill prepared.

THEY WERE RIGHT! Los Angeles was a cesspool of horror.
Here are some of the terrors I experienced:

ACTUAL LIZARD BEASTS! I just wanted to enjoy the scenic dessert view from Runyon Canyon Park of morning smog pillows, and low and behold, it's full to the brim with ravenous bloodthirsty rattle snakes! I didn't see any but they probably numbed my brains so that I think I'm fine and I'm also probably dead and this is an illusion.


I also went to the famed In and Out Burger on the Sunset Strip. There were a lot of grody looking treetards lurching around there, salivating at the chance to stuff milkshakes and grizzly meats down their mouth pipes.

AND THEN

My butt blew straight out. A TRANSFORMER casually walking across Hollywood Boulevard! As soon as I saw it I rose to the occasion to become a hero and get laid so I went around rescuing everyone. My adrenaline rush kicked in and I managed to grab 3 people and push them into The Gap, tucking them behind some new limited edition Alexander Wang khakis.

My parents were right. Los Angeles is not safe at all. The worst thing is it tricks you with its flowers, sunny weather, friendly people, and cleanliness. There were watermelon and avocado salads lurking around every corner just waiting for me to fall prey to their succulence, which is bad because they were surely all poisoned.