and then: deep inside the New York flavor

Last night the wonderful Jessica Delfino invited me to join in the Monday night comedy mike at Bowery Poetry club. First show in NYC since the LA trip - and it was so so very NYC! With the Bowery Hotel and John Varvatos in CBGB, old Bowery may seem to have died out. But Bowery Poetry Club keeps that pulse beating with the unique NYC pulse that characterized Bowery for so long. There's less homeless people and junkies around - but there's still many people who are out of their fucking mind and willing to commit and give their all on that stage in their own special way, mixed in with some real and great comedians. Though I was in the company of comedians I already love like Jordan Carlos, Jena Friedman and street performer/kung foo/spiritual advisor Master Lee - I made new discoveries, such as the delightful comic storyteller Shane Webb. I didn't mention the names of the freak show party time folks that were there - just meet them yourself and go!


One note about Delfino - she's just so comfortable in her skin. So confident, honest, always in the moment, and unapologetic. Something I need to work on because I still feel a sense of apology for who I am - and a definite fear when it comes to being "too much" of whatever I am. Anyhow, Delfino's confidence perfectly compliments her sharpness and wit, as well as her true love for the bizarre.

Do you know what it's like to be a person who puts herself in the spotlight? Maybe you are such a person. If not, it's a crazy thing. The spotlight is not natural light. It's not me, myself, in front of you, having a conversation, connecting personally. I'm performing for you, and sharing a completely different part of my self. And then I stop and become immersed in the natural self. Some people are "on all the time" and are performing when they are off stage. Some people can easily access their natural selves on stage. The dichotomy of self as performer and neutral self engaging in the world is something I've not figured out for my own self - but I'd like to access the realer parts of me on stage, which I think comes with time. I also feel that maturing and growing older has allowed me to take down my defenses and not be "performing" in my personal life, which is something I did more of in my high school years, back when I used acting silly as a shield when I wasn't comfortable "being real." The apology finds it's way to the surface today, as I often don't have any clue how to be in certain situations, and in such uncertainty I think I have a chance at really being born.