Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The State DVD is out FINALLY (and my life is not my own boo hoo!)

The past few months of unemployment have tossed me into a spiral of overwhelming, exhausting, discomforting feelings. Such as

Oh wait. Delete. Just wrote some of them here and I can't possibly share this with other humans. It was complaints, anxieties. It's not something I would want to read. Essentially I feel a loss of control over my life as I live in a very cheap space in some undesirable conditions, and I'm completely freaked out at the amount of student loans I'm about to take out. It places me so darn far away from being a property owner. I want that. I want I want ... I want to be. Complain, cry, shove off, go in the corner.

Ok so that's me in the corner. Losing my sense of self, or at least what I've known me to be. Old declarations about what I do and the way I live are thrown out the window because circumstance is defining me. Unemployment and a relationship. A relationship! I'm in one of those. And you have to compromise and do things that they like to do. Gross and revolting indeed. But a relationship has rewards as does unemployment's vast jarring rippedy rip apart from the life you had.

And did I mention how exhausting it is to have free time? I'm too obsessed what I'd like out of life, and I spend maddening hours trying to take all possibilities from the ether and realize them into livable forms.

It's also exhausting that one of my 3 roommates is batshit crazy and it's quite stressful to live with. She is supposed to be leaving this month, but when I say batshit crazy I mean throwing knives, screaming and yelling every day, threatening, bullemic, for some reason thinks my food is her food and gets angry when I eat it, tells people she has cancer when she doesn't, deals her prescription drugs, brings home weirdos, leaves shit on the stove at 3am and lets it catch fire ... and she owns 2 cats who make lots of pee and poops and even though it's in her room, it's toxic. But my patio is great and I have a lovely herb garden.

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