Friday, January 29, 2010

Thursday, January 28, 2010

some lovelies

Calla Spring 2010 is beautiful.

I love the model in the photos too - the lighting on her skin, her hairstyle.
Want these outfits.

jj - let go mp3

I'm doing standup tomorrow night. Then I think that's it till summertime, the semester is very soon swallowing me whole. But I like being swallowed! Wait. Yeah, no, definitely. Like I'm inside a big wet esophageal tube of life experience.

Rockstars were nice young and in black and white


Sunday, January 17, 2010

Todd Solondz' Happiness

I just saw Todd Solondz' Happiness for the first time and loved it. The opening scene was my favorite part. Jon Lovitz gives an impeccable performance and the fact that Solondz was able to get that performance out of him is truly impressive. John Lovitz is perfectly talented, he just rarely does such honest, emotionally driven work. Todd Solondz teaches directing at NYU in the 2nd or 3rd year of the graduate program - I MUST HAVE HIM! I hope so anyway.

Aside from that the film is disturbing, fun, hilarious in a sometimes over the top way (which is funny because it's a bunch of subtle moments layered over big ones). He finds humor in the painful moments - which is something I intend to do as a filmmaker - though I'm less "quirky" about my storytelling. This isn't a movie to watch with your parents, hopefully.

Using this as an example:

And that's not nearly the most disturbing moment of the film.

Happiness deals a lot with sexual repression, perversion, and sexual angst. It all builds to the perfect finish.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

some aural things

New Air video!

Casey Spooner - Faye Dunaway mp3

The Knife - "Colouring Of Pigeons" mp3
about the song

Owl City is a terrible ripper offer musician. Avoid their fireflies!

And this Sunday - a live symphonic retrospective of David Bowie's career featuring a full orchestra and rock band along with a cavalcade of musical and cabaret performers!
Right now the heartbreak really feels intensely painful. I think that might be good. I should feel intensely terrible and then maybe it'll purge out of my system. I just wish it would fucking go away! It's a pest and it's unwelcome and I wish I could just let it go already but I don't even know how.

It's so hard to focus on everything about it that really sucked. I cannot shake these stupid ideals of hope when I think about him, and that it could've been better. It could've been better but it never got better and that's why I ended it - but it never ever gets easier to accept that. Actually I just haven't accepted it. I haven't accepted the idea that the relationship sucked and I'm better off without him - I'm only aware of it on a superficial level - but my heart definitely doesn't know it.

Truth is, that I'm left with the fact that we've loved each other so deeply and intensely in spite of fuck ups and conflict. No matter how stupid anything seemed, I loved him anyway, and he loved me. We both love each other and miss each other. How can I move on? It seems completely impossible - but totally healthy - and the right thing to do.

I wish I could know when these feelings would end, and just let go of their vice grip on me. I wish to seriously move on, but it's all still very present and entirely terrible.

There is something inside of the human spirit that makes love more tangible than the tangible. The pain we feel from the loss of love is intense and real. There's something to that, now isn't there? We were built to feel all of these things. We were built to suffer and built to know that love is important.

Monday, January 11, 2010

standup shows

Catch me this Thursday night January 14th
JELLY NYC new comedy show (The Pool Parties people)
hosted by Jordan HB w/ standup guests incl me and my favorite standup Hanibal Burress.
Williamsburg BKLYN

Friday Jan 29th
@ Ochi's Lounge/Comix on 14th st near 9th Avenue
353 West 14th
The Backroom Comedy show
Hosted by Paul Case

Saturday, January 09, 2010

Get Psyched!

Street Meat co-host and favorite person Rob Lathan just released a book!
"Get Psyched"

And former Street Meat guest Andrew WK is hosting an evening at Santos to defend himself as actually being himself.

Other former Street Meat guest Ann Carr has an awesome new web series!

Thursday, January 07, 2010

My New Years Toast

Right before New Years Eve, I wrote something below and called it "MY NEW YEARS TOAST" - I often write things and decide not to post them.

Thing is, when I found the time to post this, I didn't feel that way anymore. In general I've felt quite badly all year, but something happened to me on New Years, the combination of working on 2nd year students' films and meeting great new people changed my perspective. I feel like we are a couple of days into 2010 and god is being good to me already. He has sent me some things to cheer me up, and for that I'm grateful. Either way - below was how I felt in December. It's just not how I feel right now. Maybe.


Dear friends,

I'm Depressed.

Just gonna come out and say it. PLEASE PLEASE DON'T MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT! It happens in people's lives sometimes, and it's not really a big deal. I recognize that I'm having a bad year, a year full of things that don't bring me happiness - and I think bad years just happen sometimes. Can't all be peaches n cream, but I'm sure life will get better eventually.

This is just how things are in my life right now. It's scary because when you're out, you're not your best you, and there's a fear you are going to get caught or something. You can't just hang out with people and be a total dick and let them know you aren't enjoying yourself.

Right now I'm fairly demanding when it comes to situations being enjoyable. First of all, I don't like bars. Just don't, unless -> I really like having a good conversation with an interesting person. That's often what I like most when I go anywhere, having a good conversation with an interesting person. I also like adventures or trying something new that I haven't tried before. But not drugs. And for that matter, I get more depressed when people are being fucked up or shady. I can't stand when people do for real drugs. It makes me look at the world as tainted. And I can't stand witnessing guys either be violent or gross to women or cheating. That's just bleak and makes the world seem ugly. And I can't stand seeing women act stupid. And I'm not into getting shitfaced drunk because it's dumb and unhealthy and only fun once in a blue moon. And I don't like being hit on because it's annoying and painful when men can't just be themselves/getting into my pants these days is like getting into NYU's prestigious Graduate Film Program. So honestly I can get grumpy and distant all too easily like a pissy old man.

But it's also not everywhere. It's NYC, there are magical nights. That's the thing I am supposed to remind myself because it will make you feel like you don't have to remind me. I know, I know, it's not all bad. I'm also lucky and fortunate and thankful for a wide variety of things, are we clear on that? Yeah ok so anyway.

It's a bad year. And I'm not perfect or my best. And now I have to be afraid that the world is going to have a problem with this, as one of my best friends basically told me he doesn't like me anymore and one of his reasons was that I'm too negative and emotional. So being in this state isn't exactly safe. By the way it was Stephen who said that, so if you know him, know that I hate that motherfucker for kicking me when I'm down/not being a true friend/turning out to be a real asshole/never just talking to me about what bothered him/not being there when it really counts/replacing me with a more successful female comedian best friend/being so goddamn superficial and cold. I've grown paranoid that I've fucked up as a human being/that the person I really am is not ok/afraid that anyone could turn on me at any time no matter what I do/am still in shock that anyone could be that much of a dick and don't want to believe he's really that terrible ... so YEAH! Um that was bad and so back to what I was saying.

If you must know the science of why such a bad year- here: lost job, lost apartment and deeply dislike my living situation but it's just so affordable, breakup with boyfriend, breakup with best friend, wish to have achieved more with life/am struggling artist/tearing self up about the things I want to create, started using cream for the prevention of eye wrinkles - see, it's just a period of life that'll bring me to what's next in this magical journey.

I'm going to deal with this, and do things to make it better - but depressed is just where I'm at right now and it will probably last a decent amount of time. I've always expected me to be perfect for myself, and if I'm going to be ok with it, you have to be ok with it too.

And please understand why I am sharing this information - I'm not searching for sympathy, pity, or your prescription for how to make it better - I just want to be honest about being depressed - because I'm pretty sure you've been there too, and I'd rather not be in the closet about it. Maybe next year or the year after that I'll be so fucking awesome and fancy and cool as shit and deeply fulfilled in my soul and have a washer/dryer in my apartment or something really fucking incredible like that.

** Cheers **