Thursday, January 07, 2010

My New Years Toast

Right before New Years Eve, I wrote something below and called it "MY NEW YEARS TOAST" - I often write things and decide not to post them.

Thing is, when I found the time to post this, I didn't feel that way anymore. In general I've felt quite badly all year, but something happened to me on New Years, the combination of working on 2nd year students' films and meeting great new people changed my perspective. I feel like we are a couple of days into 2010 and god is being good to me already. He has sent me some things to cheer me up, and for that I'm grateful. Either way - below was how I felt in December. It's just not how I feel right now. Maybe.


Dear friends,

I'm Depressed.

Just gonna come out and say it. PLEASE PLEASE DON'T MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT! It happens in people's lives sometimes, and it's not really a big deal. I recognize that I'm having a bad year, a year full of things that don't bring me happiness - and I think bad years just happen sometimes. Can't all be peaches n cream, but I'm sure life will get better eventually.

This is just how things are in my life right now. It's scary because when you're out, you're not your best you, and there's a fear you are going to get caught or something. You can't just hang out with people and be a total dick and let them know you aren't enjoying yourself.

Right now I'm fairly demanding when it comes to situations being enjoyable. First of all, I don't like bars. Just don't, unless -> I really like having a good conversation with an interesting person. That's often what I like most when I go anywhere, having a good conversation with an interesting person. I also like adventures or trying something new that I haven't tried before. But not drugs. And for that matter, I get more depressed when people are being fucked up or shady. I can't stand when people do for real drugs. It makes me look at the world as tainted. And I can't stand witnessing guys either be violent or gross to women or cheating. That's just bleak and makes the world seem ugly. And I can't stand seeing women act stupid. And I'm not into getting shitfaced drunk because it's dumb and unhealthy and only fun once in a blue moon. And I don't like being hit on because it's annoying and painful when men can't just be themselves/getting into my pants these days is like getting into NYU's prestigious Graduate Film Program. So honestly I can get grumpy and distant all too easily like a pissy old man.

But it's also not everywhere. It's NYC, there are magical nights. That's the thing I am supposed to remind myself because it will make you feel like you don't have to remind me. I know, I know, it's not all bad. I'm also lucky and fortunate and thankful for a wide variety of things, are we clear on that? Yeah ok so anyway.

It's a bad year. And I'm not perfect or my best. And now I have to be afraid that the world is going to have a problem with this, as one of my best friends basically told me he doesn't like me anymore and one of his reasons was that I'm too negative and emotional. So being in this state isn't exactly safe. By the way it was Stephen who said that, so if you know him, know that I hate that motherfucker for kicking me when I'm down/not being a true friend/turning out to be a real asshole/never just talking to me about what bothered him/not being there when it really counts/replacing me with a more successful female comedian best friend/being so goddamn superficial and cold. I've grown paranoid that I've fucked up as a human being/that the person I really am is not ok/afraid that anyone could turn on me at any time no matter what I do/am still in shock that anyone could be that much of a dick and don't want to believe he's really that terrible ... so YEAH! Um that was bad and so back to what I was saying.

If you must know the science of why such a bad year- here: lost job, lost apartment and deeply dislike my living situation but it's just so affordable, breakup with boyfriend, breakup with best friend, wish to have achieved more with life/am struggling artist/tearing self up about the things I want to create, started using cream for the prevention of eye wrinkles - see, it's just a period of life that'll bring me to what's next in this magical journey.

I'm going to deal with this, and do things to make it better - but depressed is just where I'm at right now and it will probably last a decent amount of time. I've always expected me to be perfect for myself, and if I'm going to be ok with it, you have to be ok with it too.

And please understand why I am sharing this information - I'm not searching for sympathy, pity, or your prescription for how to make it better - I just want to be honest about being depressed - because I'm pretty sure you've been there too, and I'd rather not be in the closet about it. Maybe next year or the year after that I'll be so fucking awesome and fancy and cool as shit and deeply fulfilled in my soul and have a washer/dryer in my apartment or something really fucking incredible like that.

** Cheers **

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