Thursday, January 14, 2010

Right now the heartbreak really feels intensely painful. I think that might be good. I should feel intensely terrible and then maybe it'll purge out of my system. I just wish it would fucking go away! It's a pest and it's unwelcome and I wish I could just let it go already but I don't even know how.

It's so hard to focus on everything about it that really sucked. I cannot shake these stupid ideals of hope when I think about him, and that it could've been better. It could've been better but it never got better and that's why I ended it - but it never ever gets easier to accept that. Actually I just haven't accepted it. I haven't accepted the idea that the relationship sucked and I'm better off without him - I'm only aware of it on a superficial level - but my heart definitely doesn't know it.

Truth is, that I'm left with the fact that we've loved each other so deeply and intensely in spite of fuck ups and conflict. No matter how stupid anything seemed, I loved him anyway, and he loved me. We both love each other and miss each other. How can I move on? It seems completely impossible - but totally healthy - and the right thing to do.

I wish I could know when these feelings would end, and just let go of their vice grip on me. I wish to seriously move on, but it's all still very present and entirely terrible.

There is something inside of the human spirit that makes love more tangible than the tangible. The pain we feel from the loss of love is intense and real. There's something to that, now isn't there? We were built to feel all of these things. We were built to suffer and built to know that love is important.

No comments: