Friday, June 17, 2011

The people whose Friend Requests scare me on facebook:

Sometimes my friends are surprised with how many friend requests I get. This is not a brag - there's a lot. It's not about me winning at life - it has to do with my industry which has a foundation in networking, and the fact that I've gotten various forms of publicity over the years and people love that stuff - no matter what it is! If it's on tv, in a magazine, or even on youtube, people seem to care. When I first joined facebook I added anyone in the NYC area or in the comedy world so I could promote my shows to them, sometimes I still do, networking is helpful for filmmaking too. Now I sometimes wish I could use facebook to post certain personal things, or questions just to people I know in real life - and it would be way too much work to sort through the friends and make lists.

In the meantime, I'm perplexed by all these people who want to have something to do with me and don't explain why, and sometimes, I'm scared.

Top scary friend request types

- Old dudes from weird states: Unless you work in my industry, or are friends with my parents, if you're an old dude, we'd probably never be friends in real life. We have nothing in common. I know nothing - literally NOTHING about Minneapolis, or what it's like to drive to work in one of those big buildings surrounded by a parking lot and trees that are off of highways near McDonaldses and Maccaroni Grills. I know NOTHING about what it's like to be surfing the web in your tighty whiteys and getting angry at the damn beaurocrats. Finally, I know nothing about Windows. I bet you are using Windows. Ugh it's so annoying when I have to try to do anything on my parent's computer and I don't want Norton Anti Virus installed ever.

- Sexy dudes posing: I love me some hot and sexy dudes, but you know what's not sexy? Posing sexy. Men are supposed to be oafs to some extent. It's in your blood to clobber animals with large objects and change flat tires. Men are not supposed to have self awareness enough to be conscious of how to position their bodies and faces in a photograph seductively. Better yet, they should really never be seducing me with facial expressions ever. I'm totally fine with a photo of you with your friends at some bar or on vacation, or even that one random photo someone took of you where you secretly know you look kinda cute. By all means, no leaning against a rock with the sun glistening against your pecks. Actually, no shirtless photos period - unless it's some blissful "accident."

- Dudes from weird counties: What the hell are you up to, guy in United Arab Emerites, the German Rhine Valley, Mongolia? What in the hell kinda pokin around in the internet are you doing to end up on my facebook page ever? I don't want to know because there's certain things in this world that you can't unsee.

- Dudes who don't post any photos of themselves: Oh wow - is that a photo of your cat? A baby's head? Your backyard? Your eyeball? WTF is going on in there? Bitch you crazy. I don't want anything to do with you.

- Girls who look incredibly sexy and hot who are new on facebook, or have only one photo: You don't exist and you are trying to take my lunch money, or credit card information, or I dunno, you want something. Git off my lawn!

And please good gracious don't thank me for the add. Just - don't. I can't explain why it just creeps me out! I mean I dunno. Ugh maybe I should just thank all my facebook friends for the add right this minute, maybe I'm being closed minded. Ungrateful. I should go around thanking them all or else ... nope, wait, pretty sure that's a needless sentiment. You know what's not needless? Confessions! As an alternative confess your secrets or tell me a poem about pizza. Get creative!

Now we are at the end of this posting. Here is where I'd be obliged to say something humbling or self depreciating so as to ward off the buttplugs out there who get really angry when someone makes statements of any kind. Instead I'm gonna mouth off about something else I don't like: when someone says "Sorry for the mass email! I never send these!" just send the damn thing, clearly you've got some purpose for it. That's what email is for, and I've got a delete button. Everything is going to be ok.

1 comment:

zach schulman said...