Friday, November 25, 2011

lots of words to read

but trust me, I know what I'm doing. I've been a blogger for 7 YEARS.

I'm sitting in my parents house trying to be productive. We've been watching movies that will at least be entertaining so as to provide minimal complaints from all parties, which has lead to tv movie marathons that are dulling on my head ... like in the movies there's these dulling sprays you put on stuff if a surface is too reflective.

There's all these friend requests that have been sitting in my facebook and it got to be about 1000 and so I realized I should just maybe friend them all except the really weird ones, why the hell not. And then I saw there were even some people in there that I actually knew. And then I thought about money again.

I have to think about money because I spent it all.
All of it! So I'm thinking about it a lot.
I spent it all on the last film I made which got kind of out of hand but was worth it.

I'm thinking about how people use kickstarter to raise money for their films, but for me, I don't believe in using it for short films because short films are the director's pleasure, there's no real market for them ... so I've been saving asking for money via kickstarter till I'm making a feature film, which I'll start raising money for next year - and then all my fundraising can be concentrated into my I REALLY NEED IT SUPER A LOT time, and I'll be using it on something which has more potential for return, or at least importance.

And so I thought I better add all these facebook people because one of them might be magic.

--- beat ----

I'm also spending time here because although I'd love to be in the editing lab being productive and serving my most immediate needs, I will be in Vietnam working on a film during Christmas, so I really should be spending more time at home for Thanksgiving.

My dad had another seizure on Wednesday. I came home from NYC Wednesday. This is his 6th seizure since his stroke in June 2010, and they happen because of the stroke brain damage. His first seizure was the day after last Thanksgiving when I was home with him and mom was out grocery shopping.

After most of his seizures aside from the first one, he's the same as before. But when they are happening, it's really dramatic. It seems like he's dying. It takes him that whole day to recover at least. He needs oxygen and you need to be sure his airways aren't blocked. This was the first time we didn't go to the hospital for it. He seems ok.

He had another seizure 2 weeks ago. I was in Spike Lee's class at the time. I got a call from home. Calls from home are usually emergencies especially in earlier hours. Mom said dad had a bigger seizure than ever - it lasted 17 minutes which is a really long time to be seizing. She was there for it and very upset. I came home because it sounded really bad. Dad was ok to go home that night and feeling fine - but it's good to show up and just be there.

It's become the norm for really bad and extreme things to happen all the time.

So after dad had his Seizure 2 days ago, the cops and ambulance came and gave dad some oxygen. There are some really nice people who've helped us over this time. Emergency workers, the therapists at Kessler, police. This police man was a big guy, and totally nice and also pretty hot. I like some police. I don't like the police man who gave me a cell phone ticket in Manhattan. He has better things to do than take my negative amounts of money.

After dad and mom were in bed, I went to a home town bar and saw old friends. They were there with their adorable husbands, and there was an empty seat where my adorable husband could sit if I had one. But I don't. I wonder if they would all get along.

A girl we were with turned 31. The rest of us there were 30. We didn't realize there was going to be a year after this one. I've been really cool about being 30. Can I brace myself for 31? That's so far from the 20s it's not even touching. When there's touching then I'm still a kid. Kid touching.

-- beat ---

Thanksgiving day I rummaged around in my old closet. Found a flowered dress from the 90s babydoll era. It looked amazing with my leather boots and sweater cardigan. High school dress, happy energy, reminded me of the importance I once gave my outfit pairings back when House Of Style, Mademoiselle and Jane Magazine were my guides.

-- beat --

I'm sorry to say the new Muppets Movie wasn't good. Kids will love it, but it was so poorly constructed, all plot points came too easy. The stakes were never high, there was no real conflict. The old Muppets movies were brilliant. Bummer.

-- beep ---

So I'm sitting in my parents house trying to be productive. I added all those facebook friends so I decided I'd filter people I really knew into a special list which I could use for whatever useful needs I may have. And then I saw someone in the friends and thought - damn even he got married too?

That makes me a bit insecure.

But the worst thing is to marry the wrong person and I haven't met the right one, and I don't want it to be just anyone. Also I don't trust most men although I am attracted to men. I suspect most men are up to something shady and trying to take my something I don't want them to.

Man, a lot of my friends have some really hot husbands too. That would be cool. Because looks are the most important quality in a person. Just ask Scott Peterson. Or Vanessa Williams. They are both good looking.

I would like it if life works that out for me some time soon. I think it will work eventually for sure, I just have faith in that.

I'm very curious when, where and who in the meantime.

In the meantime, my heart and mind are being heartily fed by creative ambitions.
I highly recommend creativity and productivity as the cure to all other needs (for a sustainable period of time, though not indefinitely).

-- John Quincy Adams -

I witness people complaining all the time about nothing and no big deals and things they can recover from easily.
Rich people really bother me when they complain about their monetary things.
They always run their mouth about grievances that are not true pain or suffering from which one cannot recover.
There are things that can happen that are so bad that it's actually a big deal.

There are so many things that are not a big deal, and when a person chooses to make a big deal, they are purposefully creating anger, hostility, sadness, and strife - creating it out of thin air and choice.

People should create goodness out of thin air. If they are angry they should talk about it so it doesn't bubble up and get thrown at other people and make the world worse.

A man recently got angry about me about a pillow.