Friday, December 27, 2013

On Confidence, and then also, On Red Bottom Shoes

I’m comfortable with myself.  Why?  Because I know I’m human and it’s illogical to feel shameful about most thoughts and actions which are in all probability entirely natural.

I certainly believe most people should just get over stupid hangups and fears and anxieties and get out and live.  I’m sure this isn’t easy for everyone but really

Confidence is a matter of logic.

I don’t think I’m so different from everyone, and therefore it is also true that it’s not possible for people to be better than me, or worse than me.  We are all human.  There are assholes and angels but no person is categorically superior or inferior than another.

Do you think there’s people out there who are so much cooler than you, with more access and exclusivity?  Well the super rich and famous can be totally insecure, and have not had access to the more ordinary, risky, dirty life.  And those with access to the more ordinary, risky, or dirty imagine that richness is exclusive and special and so they buy brand name things.


I recently read an article about the day in the life of an IT GIRL and I thought she was a dork and I knew cooler stuff to do than she did.  And who the F am I?  Nobody? Somebody?  Yes, I'm just some lady.


Why is the boss the boss?  Why would I believe they are inherently more important or superior than I?  Certainly the only thing that can set most people apart is experience - but as for innate ability I have little reason to believe that I can't get where I want to be compared to someone else.  There's only a few places in life where talent sets us apart - the actual creative arts, sports. 

People have all kinds of hangups, sexually, with their careers, with whatever stupid nonsense they tell themselves is in the way.

It’s illogical.

You’re JUST HUMAN.

Being human is also magnificent but at the end of the day,
we all go pee pee and should be flossing our teeth.

And in conclusion furthermore also I really don't understand why anyone would buy weirdly expensive handbags or shoes.  Dubai.  Nouveau riche.  Bad taste.  Money hemorrhage.

Now we have moved on to an entirely new topic.

There's rich people with good taste, and then rich people who look like the bile of a high end shopping mall.  A conveyor belt of similar hair, skin, shoes, and bags.

The sadness the heart feels
seeing money wasted

That's what you look like walking down the street, bad taste rich person.  Not sexy.  But like broken dreams, starving children, and failed kickstarter attempts ...

Your Louie Vuitton bag a corpse of hope

Sunday, December 08, 2013

Away Message

Hi internet

I will be in Abu Dhabi and Dubai Dec 9-22

and also in Iceland Dec 28 - Jan 7

NO PHONE CALLS

only emails

NO!  I SAID NO!

NEW VIDEO - Superior Biscuits - Bahlsen Cookies :30 Spec Commercial


CLICK TO WATCH ON YOUTUBE
Bahlsen brand biscuits are superior for eating.  It is recommended that if you are interested in eating a cookie that you eat a Bahlsen brand biscuit.

Writer/Director:  Heather Fink
Actor/Cookie Eater: Trevor Williams
German Voice Over: Jedidjah Oldenburg
Camera/DP: James Schlittenhart
Editor: Nicole Michaelis
Producer: Brian Blum
AD: Devin Shepherd
Sound: Eric Au

This has been a spec commercial by Heather Fink because she wants to be hired to direct real commercials.  Please consider her and the talented people with whom she has collaborated for their respective talents.

==========
TEXT
Bahlsen brand premium biscuits are super biscuits suitable for eating. They possess a superior flavor to other biscuits and this is an excellent quality for a biscuit to have.
We recommend that if you are considering to eat a biscuit that you are sure to consider eating a Bahlsen biscuit, we do not believe that you will regret this decision.

Kekse der Marke Bahlsen sind ideal zum Verzehr geeignet. Sie verfügen über einen ausgezeichneteren Geschmack als andere Kekse und erreichen dadurch einen hohen Qualitätsvorsprung.  Wir empfehlen, daß Sie vor dem Verzehr von Keksen in Erwägung ziehen, die Kekse der Marke Bahlsen zu wählen und wir sind der festen Überzeugung, daß Sie diese Entscheidung nicht bereuen werden.

Tuesday, November 05, 2013

NEW VIDEO: Parking Space - I Want You, A Love Song



Lyrics and Video Directed by - Heather Fink
Performance by/Male Singer - Jack Mulcahy

MUSIC
Music By/Music Producer - Curt Dumas
Recording/Mixing - Myles Rodenhouse
Guitar - Mossimo Sammi
Soprano Sax - Livio Almedia
Drums - Steven Helms
Bass - James DiGirolamo
Mastered by - Jake Rodenhouse
Additional Lyrics by - Jack Mulcahy

VIDEO
D.P./Camera - James Schlittenhart
Producer - Brian Blum
Assistant Director - Devin Sheperd
Make-Up - Jessica Mellow
Art Design - Michelle Carl, Eric Grossman
PAs - Nick Assardo, Dylan Brown

Editor - David Woolner

Filmed in Greenpoint, Brooklyn

www.heatherfink.com

LYRICS
Mmm, damn, you look good to me parking space
Just a few more inches makes all the difference

There's enough room, I don't even have to parallel
I don't want no hydrants, no street cleanin' or parking meters

I just want a nice big free parking space
And baby, it's you, and baby it's you

I just want to pull into you, there's no one behind me
I'm nice and close to my destination, parking space

Mmm I want you, mmm and what am I gonna do when I find you parking space
I tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna put my car in you

Yellow curb, yellow curb, be regular curb
No garage doors, no space in back, no, it's front row or nothing

I just want a nice big free parking space,
And baby, it's you, and baby it's you

I just want to pull into you, I don't even have to park right now
But looking at you, makes me want to, parking space
I want you

Just a few more inches, all the difference
Just a few more inches
(repeat)

I just want a nice big free parking space
And baby, it's you, and baby it's you

I just want a parking space, oh, and baby it's you
I just want a parking space, oh
Pull in you, park in you
(grunt)

I just want a parking space, yeah
And baby, it's you
A mother f**kin' parking spot, oh
How many times I gotta circle this block, bitch

I just want a f**kin' parking space

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

The only reparation I would accept is for Gavin McInnes to be pooped on.

There's this man named Gavin McInnes and he co-founded Vice, a media monster which I like sometimes.  Vice employs a lot of people and it's likely that Gavin has money and power after his Vice success and he says things.  As we all know, not all people with money and power are also good people.  In this case, Gavin McInnes just shit out of his mouth in a really big way, and so now I have one simple demand:

GAVIN MCINNES MUST BE POOPED ON.

Here's how it should go down:
1.  Sit Gavin in front of a camera.  He loves the camera so this part he will be all about.  He might say some smug ironic things that make us think he's super cool.  But don't be distracted.  It's POOPING TIME!!!

2.  Poop on him.  Anything goes here as far as getting the poop onto Gavin.  If you feel comfortable popping a squat and pooping out of your butt onto him, that's totally cool.  If that makes you uncomfortable, feel free to bring your own poo in some kind of container, human or find some dog poo, that will work too.  Runny is good because it will have maximum spread.  Gross but we are goal oriented here, and the goal is to cover Gavin McInnes in poop.

3.  Gavin says "I'm sorry!"  He probably won't say I'm sorry because inside of his mind is a mess of stuff like dogs sucking each other off and what cheese he is gonna buy at the Bedford Cheese shop to provide for his family.  It's really hard for him to get past those thoughts enough to form meaningful phrases and then say them.  BUT if he does say "I'm sorry!" while being pooped on, it would help us all to heal from his hurtful words.


Here's what he said and why he needs to be pooped on:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/21/gavin-mcinnes-women-workplace_n_4138741.html

OF COURSE I have an argument about why what he said is wrong and hurtful.  I have inner strength, toughness, and ambition in life beyond STAYING AT FUCKING HOME AND DOING WHAT?  PUTTING MOISTURIZING LOTION ON MYSELF AND SHIT?  What the fuck am I supposed to do at home?!

Women are naturally TOUGH AS FUCK.  Have you even ever MET women?

NEVERMIND GAVIN YOU ARE RIGHT, LET'S SEND ALL THOSE MISERABLE WOMEN HOME FROM WORK.  HERE'S A PARTIAL LIST OF WOMEN WHO SHOULD HAVE STAYED AT HOME:
- Amy Poehler
- Hedy Lamarr
- Sarah Silverman
- Lucille Ball
- Hillary Clinton
- Diana Nyad
- Oprah
- Martha Stewart
- Debbie Harry
- Kim Gordon
- Frida Kahlo
- Carol Bartz

MY MOM.
MY AWESOME MOM who CANNOT STAND the idea of not working because she likes to leave the house and be a part of the world and is smart and hardworking.

DAMMIT GAVIN WHY
WHY WHY WHY

You fucker - you don't know what it's like to be told just based on your demographic that you naturally suck at something.  YES IT IS DAMN HARDER IN THIS WORLD FOR US WOMYN FOLK.  THERE IS NO "CHOICE" WHERE YOU JUST TURN OFF YOUR BRAIN AND WANT TO STAY HOME AND MAKE TACOS AND PUT IN YOUR TAMPONS.

NEWS:  Women have minds and hearts n shit like that.  We have desires and ambition.  We have inner drive and passion to use and apply those things.  We are ALSO human beings JUST LIKE YOU WITH THE PENIS.

Gavin please allow me the opportunity to show you how tough and how driven I really am.

GAVIN MCINNES MUST BE POOPED ON.

Friday, October 11, 2013

New Video: PBR Spec Commercial



Here's my newest video - a PBR spec commercial.
I made this because I would like to direct (and write) comedy commercials and I wanted to make something that felt more mainstream.

Afterthoughts:  I love the performances and am happy overall, but the truth is I'm sad about the budget restrictions.  This commercial would be much better with a higher art budget, especially with the fun of the old timey world's fair.  And it would look great if it wasn't shot on DLSR.  To be honest I'm really sick of the look from those cameras, and especially with commercial/period you want to shoot on film or a better camera like Alexa or Red.   I do feel the team who contributed did the very best with our restrictions!  I owe a ton of thanks for their talent and hard work.

My 2 previous spec commercials:
- Chevy
- Ehrmann yogurt

PBR COMMERCIAL CREDITS
Cast:
Judges - Trevor Williams and Jacqueline Novak
Contestants (in order of appearance) - Greg Barris, Sarah-Violet Bliss, Temesgen Tocruray, Channing Pickett, and Mark Normand
Hipster - Jordan Brown

Writer/Director - Heather Fink
Producer - Brian Blum
DP - James Schlittenhart
AD - Devin Sheperd
Sound - Eric Au
Art Director - Michelle Carl
Art - Eric Grossman
HMU - Jessica Mellow
Assoc Producer - Daven Falconer
PA - Nick Assardo
PA - Dylan Brown

Editor - Steve Pristin

Shot on Location at
Broken Land Bar
and
McGolrick Park
in Greenpoint Brooklyn

Santa Fe Film Festival Screenings

The Santa Fe Independent Film Festival will be showing not 1, but 2 of my comedy short films next week!

Times and Information Here

Both my films Alleged and Heart Break will screen at the festival which takes place Oct 16-20 in Santa Fe, New Mexico.  I will be there exploring deserts and mountains and the like.


Sunday, September 01, 2013

This thing with Miley Cyrus is REALLY important. SERIOUSLY.

YOU FUCKERS OUT THERE ON THE INTERNET ARE FIGHTING AGAINST A YOUNG LADY'S RIGHT TO PARTY.  AND BE SILLY.  AND YOU BETTER CUT THIS SHIT OUT ASAP.

YOU ARE MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF NOTHING.  

Really now people?!  Are you that idiotic and conservative?  We have been down this road a hundred times over.

I'm a proud ass feminist and I support a woman's right to KICK ASS and not have a bunch of pansy ass "news" people nag and judge and run their mouths about what a woman does ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE IS ACTING OUT IN THE NAME OF FUN TIMES.



People got all pissed and upset over Madonna's brilliant "Like a Prayer" video back in 1990.  
Looking back on it doesn't that seem stupid?  When you read the wikipedia behind the song and the video, isn't it incredibly interesting.  Don't you wonder now looking back on it what the big deal was?  Some bra straps?  SERIOUSLY?!  (note, Madonna has performed in sexually provocative ways on the MTV VMA's many many many times over and people got really upset over it then too and her endorsement deals were pulled)

Sidenote:
How is twerking a THING?  TO me that is just normal dancing.

No, Miley Cyrus did NOT make some big political or artistic statement.
She danced around with goofy bears and stuck out her tongue and moved in sexually provocative ways and wore a nude colored latex bikini that looked really super hot on her.
No she doesn't look like a  raw chicken - she looks fucking great - you guys are assholes for talking about this girl's bitchin bod literally like a piece of meat.  Freakin cannibal cops all of you.

Understand this:
When you are a hot young girl it's fun to dance around and feel like a total babe.
Miley's dance and tongue stuff is just her generation's idea of cool.  Chill out old farts.

You are all a bunch of grown up people seriously talking endlessly about some 20 year old girl pop star dancing around sexually on stage at the MTV VMA awards.

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT YOU ARE SHOCKED?!
HOW!?

THIS SHIT IS ENTIRELY PAR FOR THE COURSE.
AT LEAST THE SONG IS FUN
AT LEAST THE GIRL IS SMILING AND HAVING FUN

WHY SO MUCH HATE
YOU FUCKING HYPOCRITICAL HIPPY HIPSTER ASSHOLES GO AROUND WITH YOUR DAMN LATTES ACTING LIKE YOU ARE MATURE WITH YOUR HOLISTIC THERAPISTS AND ARTISAN LEATHER SATCHELS N SHIT BUT NOW YOU ARE GONNA GET 
UPPITY
OVER
THIS FUN RANDOM WHATEVER DANCE?!

YOU WILL LOOK BACK ON THIS IN A FEW YEARS AND WONDER WHAT THE BIG DEAL WAS.

ALSO.
I SUPPORT FUN
AND PARTYING
AND BEING SILLY.

MILEY CYRUS EMBODIED THIS IN HER VMA PERFORMANCE.
I do not expect eloquence or meaning from a Miley Cyrus performance.
I do not buy that Lady Gaga's performance is intellectual or elevated in any way.
I do buy that Madonna has used sexuality in really interesting ways in her music and performance.
I think that Britney Spears is empty fluff and she has used sexuality in ways that are neither elevated nor as celebratory of fun and partying as Miley.

It's not a bad thing.
Let the girls be silly.
Let the girls be gross.
Leave the damn girls alone.

AND FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TO PARTY.

HERE IS DIANE MARTEL'S BRILLIANT MUSIC VIDEO FOR THE SONG:



Diane also agrees with me.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Socks the Cat Rocks the Hill


Socks the Cat Rocks the Hill is a Europe-exclusive video game for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System and the Sega Genesis.

The game stars Socks, the pet cat of 42nd US President Bill Clinton, and his family, in a platforming adventure in which he has to make his way past spies, crooked politicians and the media to warn the White House of a stolen nuclear missile.







SOCKS THE CAT SITS ON TOP OF PEOPLE.  SOCKS THE CAT SITS ON TOP OF THE PRESIDENT.  HE IS SO FUCKING BALLER.  R.I.P. SOCKS 4EVA

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Be nice to Eric or he won't be nice to you.



Phantom of The Mall: Eric's Revenge: 1989
Starring Pauly Shore.

Plot:
A guy called Eric owns a huge house and some greedy people want to build a mall over it. So they get someone to burn down his house. Eric is badly burned but not dead, and a year later the mall opens. What they don't realize is that Eric is living underneath the mall and he's very angry.

Budget: $3,000,000 (estimated)

Sunday, August 18, 2013

In defense of the Man Child

They say that women seek men like their fathers and men seek women like their mothers.  I laugh at myself and how true it is.

I was raised by a goofy man child.  My dad is a funny, irresponsible, lovable, childlike goofball. Throughout my childhood he would screw stuff up but I still think he's the best because he was always so adorable and fun about it, and that's how I like a man to be.

Yesterday I went to a little girl's 1st birthday party.  Her dad is someone I grew up with, alongside his brother, male cousins, and male friends.  I don't see them often anymore, but our parents were friends and so we'd play together as kids, and they were the closest things to brothers I'd known.  Eventually in high school, we had all our best memories together, and some of my life's greatest moments involving beer.

We are all in our early 30s now, and many of us look exactly the same.  Most of them stayed in the suburbs and still see each other - and I don't see them often.  I love my suburban roots, and love these boys.  I love em enough that it makes me both pissed and sad that we aren't a bigger part of each other's lives.

I sat at a table drinking beers with these boys in the NJ suburbs, a swimming pool all blue illuminating the darkness behind the deck.  Baby and his in-laws snoozing inside on the other side of sliding doors.  The house that belonged to my friend.  To my friend who used to launch shit off his parent's roof and play a game called "treason" where punishments were exacted amongst the group.  I wondered if we could launch shit off this house's roof now that it was his.

I was struck by my friend's sameness. Not just in appearance, but all the words falling out of his mouth were the same funny immature bullshit I enjoyed so for many of my formative years.  I appreciated his level of drunkenness and how it allowed him to access the most childish and crude parts of himself, which are my favorite.  I don't recognize him as well in a suit on the various normal occassions one has to put on a suit throughout life.

At the table was another boy from that group that I always had a huge crush on, but for most of our teenage years he wouldn't kiss me back, something that was absolute torture - fun torture of course, for so long.  And there he was across the table, also seeming exactly the same.  This time he was flirting with another girl.  

There was a glimmer of feeling in me, remembering how I used to feel.  Knowing that one day, there was a moment after college when I did get to kiss that boy who I always wanted, and he was as immature as I should have expected him to be.  

Actually now this sounds disgusting.  Like bad chick lit.
I'm editing out so many memories and pervy details and history - there's too much to say and I'm keeping it away from typed words. I'll preserve that for printed photographs and shit the internet doesn't get the privilege of absorbing.

The history I have with these guys is ridiculous and there's only one reason I'm hashing any of it out right now.

It's because of the moment I sat at that table last night I realized that my epidemic life long love with the man-child isn't just because my dad was one too.

I was raised by a village of man-children.

My dad, these boys, their friends.

All of my formative years I was surrounded by a silly fucking wolf pack who made me laugh, got into trouble, broke shit, shirked adult responsibilities, listened to rock and roll and found adventure with.

Today, and throughout all of my days, I've befriended more man-childs in every area of my life.  My best friends to this day are different man childs who I met as a grown up.  One of my favorite new friends is an even older man child who is addicted to 20 year old girls but makes for a great drinking buddy. Maybe I'm just always seeking brothers to fight through life with.

Today my neurons erupt when stimulated by stupid boyish shit - that I both love, and always felt so broken hearted by - a heart break I embrace with its poetic familiarity - that I'm  not a boy.  I'm not a man.  I'll always be that girl.  And I'll always fight to make sure people know girls have man-children inside of them too, and they are better for it.

Women have masculinity and mischief inside them, and nothing makes me feel more alive than when that side of me is awakened.

So I have a stupid history of falling in love with immature peter pan syndrome motherfuckers.
But I just love it and will forever.  I'm one of them too, I just pee sitting down.

And I think maybe, when the time is right, I'll catch one of my own, falling from the sky, the moment that a light bulb goes off inside his head about wanting to be extra nice to one girl in particular.  

Man childs do get married eventually.  It's how and why I exist.
But what happens to them when they are forced to do grownup things?
What will happen to me when I'm forced to grownup things?

Weddings and babies make me throw up in my mouth at the same time I long for them. 

Maybe grown up man childs are nachos.
We are nachos.
All kinds of bullshit thrown together to be awesome.

Versus something like a PBJ.  Which is more like not-man-childs-but-man-mans do babies/marriage.  PBJ sandwiches are good and tasty, not awesome.

Nachos kick ass.
At their best.

Some get soggy.


And so forth and onward goes the discussion when you compare human social phenomenom nam nams with nachos. 

Thursday, August 08, 2013

Just say NO to IRL.



I started blogging in 2004.

THAT'S 9 YEARS AGO.
9 YEARS.

9 YEARS AGO I wrote the words I went to this place called "Max Fish" this weekend and I really thought it was a fun place.

We keep trying to figure out wtf the internet means and its impact.  And there's THINGS that become THINGS and there's this THING I've been experiencing for years from the internet and now it's time you know about it.

I have a shit ton of internet admirers.
Before you go thinking of this as bragging and fucking hate me and stop reading - pull the reigns horsey ...

In real life, I experience true rejection, failure, loneliness, and pain JUST LIKE YOU and on a regular basis.  I go to bars and think someone is cute and they don't like me back.  I have doucheybaggy guys who send me douchebaggy texts who turn out to be disappointments and douchedouches.  JUST LIKE YOU.

After all, I'm 32 years old and single, go on ahead and judge me for it, my brain has had the same hater thoughts too.

HOWEVER
even if I feel shitty about that fact, and lonely sometimes, and desire dudes and sweet action - there's one thing my stubborn ass refuses to sink to:
desperation.

Yep.  Even when the going gets tough, I know that hooking up with whatever is available, versus what I really want for myself - won't get me anywhere.
And I know that even when someone is good on paper, if you don't feel any feelings or excitement over someone, it really can't be forced.
And I feel NO EXCITEMENT over internet interactions, and I just can't do the online dating thing.

At this point this is all just a preface.  I haven't even gotten into it.

And also shutup if you look at things differently.  This here is MY perspective.  Go on ahead and have your own, OK Cupid yourself to completion if that's what you want.  I'm not judging you.  This is my me-time.

GETTING TO THE POINT
Now that you know Heather Fink's personal details about her personal dating preference: AKA abstinent until presented with WHAT I WANT AND NOT SETTLING FOR LESS.
and the fact that she isn't above desiring human connection - let's get to what she is above:

MEETING WITH PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW FROM THE INTERNET
IRL
IRL
IRL
only.

Ever since 2004 when I started blogging, I had followers and an online presence, and back then a lot of people couldn't understand why someone would blog in the first place.  And back then strangers from the internet read my stuff and emailed me.

Some of the emails have been wonderful and useful.

I even got the best paying dayjob of my life based on the blogging and social media stuff I was doing back in da day.

What I also got were lots and lots of requests from male gender people wanting to meet in real life who got angry when I didn't agree to it.
Aside from this one famous person I ended up dating who messaged me on facebook but he was an exception because he was famous and hot.  WHICH MAKES ALL THE SENSE IN THE WORLD AND IS DIFFERENT YOU WOULD DO IT TOO FUCK IT I WAS IN MY 20s IT'S TOTALLY NOT THE SAME.  DAMMIT THIS RUINS MY CREDIBILITY IN MY RANT WHY ALL CAPS WHY WHY WHY because one of the internet's primary communicative uses is to brag.

GETTING TO THE POINT
Someone says: Can we meet some time?
I say: Sorry but I don't meet with people I don't know from the internet.

And I want to be clear about that because I want people to understand why the rejection, and not be hurt, and perhaps by me communicating my point of view on this - instead of going through life being creepy and inappropriate with women, they learn better social skills and improve their approach.  FIXING THE WORLD THROUGH HONESTY YES!  I'm so stupid for this because it always backfires.

They get really pissed at me, and sometimes retaliate in bold ways on the internet (like this one guy who posted graphic and disturbing posts all over craigslist claiming to be me, leading to days of spamming and grossness).
I've tried to be more gentle with it but a lot of the people who want to meet in real life are very pushy and persistent and don't get the point, and then I feel like there's no damn way to escape AND I'm afraid - totally afraid - that one of these randoms ends up stalking me and seeking out revenge.

These requests used to come in the form of emails and some of them are the most hilarious, disturbing crap you will ever see.

Nowadays it's primarily INSANE facebook messages (including one with an attachment of a painting of my face?!) and extremely persistent guys asking over and over again to see me.

Does this feel real?  Does this feel complimentary?

NO.  Because these people don't even know me at all, and most have never even seen or spoken to me.  Their interest in me is as superficial as it could possibly be.  And this type of flattery isn't as present in my daily, aging, don't-fit-into-my-old-jeans-anymore life.  I'm surrounded by NYC men who are the most spoiled non-committal pains in the asses on earth.  God bless their ambitious intelligent little tight pants covered hearts.

Why does this keep happening?
Can I get it to stop?

I love using facebook and the internet.
It's a wonderful tool for networking and collaborating and keeping in touch with people in my life.  It's a fantastic way to reach out to people who want to get involved in creative projects.  It's a wonderful way to promote your work and connect to others.

Because I want to connect to others too!

Connecting, collaborating, sharing intelligence and ideas.  GREAT.  It's a very useful tool.
I love how I can look up an actor that I like, and sometimes find them on facebook and cast them in one of my films.
I love that I can meet someone and follow up with a facebook add, and then learn more about them and keep in touch.

I don't expect anyone on facebook to give me their personal in-real-life time.
It's rude, presumptuous, and YEP WEIRD AND CREEPY AND YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT.

It actually makes my skin crawl when someone can't read social cues. I'm sensitive to them, I've felt excluded, and I don't want to impose on others or invite myself when I'm not welcome.  BECAUSE I RESPECT PEOPLE'S BOUNDARIES.  I know that I don't know what's going on with someone at any given time, and they have the right to their personal space.  They have the right to not be in the mood for me.

So I'm asking all of you out there in the world who don't understand this to UNDERSTAND IT.


  1. I'm busy.  Lots of people I know are busy.  When I have precious free time it's either: me time OR me close friends that I miss OR family time.  I know that when you're not busy it feels lonely and like death - but don't let that desperation turn you into an annoying person.  Instead, try to fill your life with a meaningful activity or job.  
  2. I read the internet.  I know bad stuff happens to people who meet up with strangers from the internet.  CANNIBAL COP. CANNIBAL COP.
  3. I'm mad that you, person asking for my time, don't get it.  It feels rude and disrespectful.  I also hate being annoyed by people when I'm busy.   I have to really know and like someone to want to get a bunch of texts from them.  Large quantity of communications is not for me.  It's irritating.  Don't be a bug.  Be a mensch.


So.  There's my perspective. If it wasn't for my fear of creeper retaliation I'd share some of the more hilarious ones with you.

Instead I'll share one line from an email sent years ago which is chock full of crazy and photos from the sender:
"I can't explain exactly what it is about you, but you look so familar to me... your eyes, the shape of your nose, flat on your face like a boxer.  "

Here's to hoping he stopped reading a long time ago.

- Your FRIEND-ONLY NO TOUCHING NO TOUCHING Heather Fink

PS - if you're reading this and thinking it's about YOU, it's not.  It's about years of dudes like you making me wonder why any of this needs to be explained, and then realizing, hey, maybe it just does.  

Props to all the ladies in this place who know what I'm sayin.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Blocking FTW: How to make movies.

So you and your mother and your neighbor's brother want to be a filmmaker?



Here's the single most important practical on-set tip:
BLOCKING

Blocking is a crew-member's wet dream.
From indie to commercial (thought I've never seen this messed with on pro studio shoots) too many shoots neglect the single most important thing a filmmaker should do: Proper Blocking.

WHAT IS BLOCKING:
- a run through of the scene you are about to shoot, in the space you are about to shoot it.
- Blocking is primarily concerned with WHERE PHYSICALLY the performance happens and where bodies and important objects move in the space.

WHEN it is done is of utmost importance:
- AT THE VERY TOP OF THE DAY
- BEFORE makeup, costume, lighting, props, or ANYTHING is done by anyone on set
- YOU ALWAYS HAVE TIME FOR BLOCKING.  Even though I'm providing a lot of explanation, it doesn't actually have to take long.  You can do a speed blocking.  Even if it's one actor sitting in a chair, for fark's sake Director - show us where the chair is and how they will sit!  YOU DON'T HAVE TIME FOR doing it the wrong way and having to fix things that are all screwed up.

HOW TO DO IT
- AD/Director brings the actors into the space.  Director and Actors talk through the scene.  They run through the whole scene, usually not at full performace.  They figure out where they need to be and what they need to do.  DP is usually nearby in case there are questions about what might be better for the camera.
- KEYS are then invited into the space to watch the scene - either a full run through, or just BY THE NUMBERS (this means talking through position, 1, 2, 3 with the actors in the space).  KEYS are department heads: camera, lighting, sound, art dept (sometimes keys watch the whole thing, but it's often nicer to bring them in once it's all figured out/the director and actors have time to work)
- Actors are sent away into hair, makeup, and costume
- Department heads instruct their departments on what is needed for the scene
- The Set is cleared to make way for lighting
- Art comes in and dresses the space
- Sound plants microphones and wires the actors
- STANDINS are brought in for lighting and for camera/focus marks (often called "2nd Team" - "1st Team" can refer to talent/actors, and the primary shooting crew)
- The camera can be brought into position with a general frame of what's about to be shot, and departments can view the frame as they make adjustments BEFORE shooting
- IT IS NOT "BLOCKING" if it's right before shooting and all the work has been done.  It's too late to make smart/detailed adjustments.  That's technically just a rehearsal.

WHY
- ACTORS
It's disrespectful to the actor's process and performance if they aren't included in decisions concerning their physical choices in the space.  It's collaborative to get actor input on better thoughts and ideas on how and why someone moves or does what they do.  Actors need a chance to experience the scene with the director in the space, on the day and say things like "I would really do it like THIS, not like THAT"
he loves it!

- DIRECTOR
The Director gets to communicate her needs to her crew/cast in an efficient and clear manner
- CAMERA
The Camera can make good decisions about where the camera should be placed and be prepared for focus/future moves - and know exactly how to cover the scene (coverage is knowing what shots will be used in order to see the scene play out, which closeups, where the camera needs to be. the scene is done over and over again in different sizes of shots so that you can edit the damn film)
- LIGHTING
G and E can more masterfully compose beautiful/appropriate lighting compositions when they know exactly what they are lighting, and can be sure to hit the points where actors/objects are featured.  It's also a safer way to work.
- ART
Art department knows which parts of the set will be seen, what areas to dress, and what props must be prepared and needed.  Actors often think of essential props they need during blocking and art needs time to make them good/get them in the first place!
Hair, makeup, and wardrobe need to plan for any special needs of the scene so that the actors are ready to go.
- SOUND
Sound needs to know where the actors deliver their dialogue to prepare for positioning mics, and for the boom operator.  Also if mics will need to be planted/hidden, and JUST BECAUSE an actor is in a scene, they may not need to wear a microphone, or their wardrobe prohibits wearing a microphone.  Sound needs time to plan strategy for grabbing all essential dialogue and on-screen movements of people and objects.  Sometimes Sound dept determines the shot is really MOS and no sound is needed at all!
- PRODUCTION
Needs a chance to properly prepare for any potential problems or issues that may arise in the scene
EXTRAS - production can prepare for what extras are needed and where they should be placed (maybe key extras are brought into blocking, but usually it's easier not to have them)
- SCRIPTY
Script Supervisor can be on hand to answer questions about eyeline, continuity, where the actors should or shouldn't cross camera, and coverage (which parts of the script need to be 'covered' and in which shots)

SEE David Block the Jennifer acting for the crew!  Nice job D.O.R.


THUS THE TIME TESTED

BLOCK
LIGHT
REHEARSE
SHOOT

IS the best thing you can do as a filmmaker
It's good for your actors AND crew
and makes everyone happy
AND saves money and time!  People do necessary work, as well as they can, and they DON'T do work that isn't needed - because they know what's going on!

One of the biggest struggles in the actual making of a film is for everyone to know what is going on and how it's going to be done.

This is the art of real filmmaking and you can do it too!

==========================================
EXAMPLE - normal blocking:
AD: "We are ready to block the scene, can I get actors and directors in!?"

- Director and actors walk into the space and work out the scene
- DP and/or Scripty may stay close by to answer any questions
- AD pays attention, notices the moment they are done
AD to Director - "Are we ready? Ok!   
AD to Crew - "All Keys/Department Heads to set - time to watch the blocking"

Actors run through the scene - either they just run it, or they say, Here's my first position, and then I go here and say this, and then I do this, and then I cross here

- AD: "Clear the set for Lighting, Actors to HMU and wardrobe!"

Actors get makeup and dressed
Lighting is placed
All departments prepare

AD watches how much time everything is taking:  lighting, how much time do you need? 20 minutes - ok, wardrobe, can you get the actors dressed in 20?  Hair still needs an extra 5 minutes, ok?  Art, 2 minutes left?

And everything is timed and counted down, and then actors arrive, everyone is ready to go.

AD:  Ok now that everything is in place, lets have a rehearsal
Do you want to shoot the rehearsal?
OK, yes/no?

AD to crew: "LAST LOOKS"  - makeup person watches frame to see that everything looks right, the face isn't shiny ...  all depts, get a last chance to see that everything is ok.
Any adjustments?

Ok - we shoot! 
Sound: Speed
Slate: scene 3 Apple take 1
Camera: Rolling.  Mark it!
SLATE CLAPS
Camera adjusts to shoot: "set"
Director: ACTION!

====
Example: speed blocking (to be done at the top of the day BEFORE lighting and everything)

Director:  Ok so the actor walks like this, says "I want your body" over here, and then picks up their bag over here and walks to that door.  The other actor sits over there and slaps that salami on the desk.  They don't get up or anything.

note that this kind of speed blocking doesn't take into account the actor's thoughts and needs ... also, if you don't have the salami or desk YET that's ok!  just let us know what's what.

=====

Final note:
You may have shot lists, and storyboards, and camera maps - and those are great and helpful.
But ON THE DAY (which means "when we are shooting")
the world comes alive, and things change.  One cannot anticipate every detail of the reality you are about to create.  Shots change.  Space changes, a light maybe does something you didn't expect.

Now you're on set.  Screw everything else you thought you knew and block this bitch.

Saturday, June 08, 2013

Brainstorm session on Mass Shootings.

You don't need to say "my heart goes out to the victims of the shootings"  because OF COURSE it does.  It better.  This is happening enough that our heart has gone out over and over again and I'm sure that unless you actually know the victims/families involved, our new emotion, beyond sympathy, is confusion and fear of a new normal.  This is too crazy.  Like sci-fi future movie crazy.  There's something wrong with the machines we've created on this earth as human beings.  The killing machines, the video games.  The movies.  And I don't think that our machines and inventions shouldn't exist.  But look, there's major consequences to their existence.  The impact of the now frequent mass shootings on society as a whole has yet to be understood.

I offer no wise reflection, conclusion, or solution.

Only a mirror which points to these basic facts:
- Mass shootings occur when human beings use sophisticated man-made inventions
- Mass shootings can be fantasized about and experienced virtually in video games, and are depicted in movies for entertainment
- News reporting is a major part of the spectacle of a mass shooting, and shooters become famous
- Fame is desirable to many people, and one way of seeking fame is by carrying out hugely impactful acts
- Murder is about as impactful as it gets

- On the one hand society with mass shootings is more scary and violent
- On the other hand as culture has become more civilized, it has become more peaceful and respectful (medieval times, civil war, slavery, colonization, salem witch trials, holocaust, inquisitions, gladiators)

Can we, as modern humans in a modern society, be trained to fight the insane and unpredictable?  Be trained as an average citizen to be tactical in the face of crazy? In the face of superstorms?

Practical or paranoid?

And we can't expect parents to raise children who don't do these things.  We know that we must love our children and teach them understanding - but as free as each individual is, and as little control as we have over each other - that's not going to happen.  Shitty parents exist, will always exist.  So then too will bullies, abuse, and neglect - it is a reality and saying "It's up to the parents to raise better kids and teach them!" is naive and foolish - though true.  Too bad we can't force ourselves into everyone's home and force jerks to be good parents, and everyone to make no mistakes.  We can't.

We can however create video content, art, and expression that shapes minds into compassionate people.

I feel like reality television where idiots are the star of the show, and the show focuses on humiliating its subjects - is not helping.

What could help?

I imagine the natural social evolution will offer something.  I don't believe our future holds extreme worlds like Hunger Games, Demolition Man, Gattaca, or similar.  I believe as we evolve, there's always balance - for all horrors, beauty emerges in equal measure.

So on that note at least, there's hope.  After all, more humans feel sympathy, and more humans will say "my heart goes out to the victims" than not.

Thursday, June 06, 2013

I acted in a short film

about freeloading foodies :)

You can see Cindy Hsieh's
For The Love Of Food - Here.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

See "Alleged" tonight at 7:30pm in NYC

Very happy to let you know that you can catch ALLEGED in NYC at one of
my favorite movie theatres in the NY Short Fest.

People can buy tickets here:
http://nyshortsfest.com/ny/film_program_details.asp?programnumber=2
TUESDAY - MAY 28 - 7:30 PM
part of Program 2
143 E. Houston St. New York, NY 10002

See you there?

Monday, May 27, 2013

PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN: post Eurotrip Memorial Day edition


Just came back from 6 weeks in Europe and one of the first things I want to internet about is the fact that I love America.

And I'm half-European.  Raised by a Dutch mother and I'm a dual citizen of the USA and the Netherlands.  I love the Dutch people and their ways.  Visiting Holland as a kid growing up was an incredibly enriching experience I'm grateful for, and I know it influenced my mentality in important ways - simply to know of a culture that is different from mine, and that things can be done differently in surprising wonderful ways.  No doubt Holland is an amazing land, and that each country in the world has something special and unique about its land, culture and people.

However, there's many people in the world and Europe who have some nasty opinions of America and Americans AND many of these people have NEVER even been there!  Where do they get their sophisticated opinions from?  (Televison)

It's quite common for some foolish Europeans, moreso in France than anywhere else I've visited, to casually ridicule America.  Often the sentiment is that it has no culture, and I've heard this sentiment from Europeans for many years, especially those who have never been to America. 

Yeah it's outrageous.  You're welcome for stopping those pesky Nazis btw, and you look great in your blue jeans while listening to Lady Gaga on your iPods ...

-- Let me take an important moment for closed minded Americans to mention that people like this are not in the majority.  Don't hate on Europe because of a few idiots - it's a wonderful place for it's own reasons. --  BUT there are too many idiots in Europe who think they are clever and cool for talking shit about America - and actually think it's acceptable to say disparaging things about the country to your face.  You actually have to remind these fools that they are being rude and ignorant.  ---

Back to the topic at hand.

I grew up in a beautiful town in suburban New Jersey, and I love my home.  I don't want to hear some Versace head euro fool say nonsense about how America sucks, especially when most people who say it have never even been there!

I'm extremely proud of being an American - and I'm a liberal Euro half Jewish college educated feminist living in NYC who works in film.

Some Europeans say "America has no culture"
- yes we are a younger country.
- But we have EVERY culture living under one roof, blending into a modern eclectic mix!
- Some of the world's greatest innovators in technology and art are Americans, and flight, light, movies, and rock and roll music were invented here.
- Have you ever eaten a meal in a restaurant in NYC, San Francisco, Chicago ... or the bbq in the deep south, crawfish in Louisiana?

For those of you who see America as fat stupid gun toting Americans - I'm sorry, but every country has their stupid hicks.  Sometimes they make for great entertainment, and I'm sorry that reality TV highlights our country's biggest morons.

But the next time you go to the movie theatre, it's most likely you are drooling over the work of Americans in Hollywood, and it's very likely you are using something Steve Jobs thought of in California.

America is a land full of diversity, life and vibrant characters.  Our idiots are as vibrant as our geniuses.

Also, Americans are fantastic in the realm of politeness.  Seriously.  People try to be respectful in the most amazing ways.  And our waiters are prompt and allow you to be specific!  Oh and also, we don't care as much about class/exclusion as the rest of the world, and in fact it's a faux pas to put people down who have less money than you!  Which is a wonderful thing, our cultural wealth is accessible, and our ladders can be climbed.

Yes, America has its share of corruption, shame, and ignorance - but hey  - we try.  We really really try.  Our political history is quite remarkable.

Back on American soil, and missing American politeness.

For the record - the Dutch are among the warmest, kindest people (I'm partial but it's true!  From my experience the Dutch and Thai people are the most famously friendly.) though I have heard this comment in Holland too.  AND the comments got worse after the Bush presidency.  The last country I visited was France, and I could do without the attitude.  Kid, you nice baguettes but that doesn't mean you can be such a bitch.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Write Up in Dan's Papers

Hey dudes,

Here's an article about me and my film "http 404"



Thanks Dan's Papers :)

And PS - the show the mentioned that I loved from The State was called Stella.  I started going to see them live in 1997.  I never even got carded and I was totally friggin young.  It was awesome.

What was also awesome was witnessing some of the most incredible talent in a variety show on a live stage.  Pre-youtube they made the most hilarious low budget comedy shorts and they were made just for the live show.  Later on they made DVDs they would sell at the show and it was a treasure to get your hands on one.  Now it's all online.  Those guys are probably the most influential on me and my comedy hopes and dreams.  Here's my blog shoutout thank you for all the memories and inspiration!  I've even had the delight of having Michael Showalter as a screenwriting teacher, and Kevin Allison as an actor in one of my shorts.  Happy as a clam about that.  I LOVE CLAMS.  Clams are my friends and we go running together.




Tuesday, April 09, 2013

award award

I ALREADY loved my cast:
Caitlin McHugh,
Jack Mulcahy,
Amanda Bjerre-Petersen, and
Katina Corrao

for their work in my film "Alleged"
and the First Run Festival loves them too!

We were awarded with BEST ENSEMBLE ACTING

as well as a Commendation for EXCELLENCE IN COMEDY.

I really enjoyed the validation and appreciation felt in receiving the award, in spite of the popular notion that film awards are threatening forces capable of bodily harm.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Updates

ALLEGED SCREENING

You can see a screening of "Alleged" - a short comedy thriller based on a real court case against Steven Seagal, on Friday April 5th at 5:30pm, at the Cantor Film Center in NYC - 36 E 8th St.
Click Here for details

EUROTRIP

April 18- May 8 in the Netherlands/Amsterdam
May 8-May 15 in Berlin
May 15- May 26 Cannes Film Festival

HTTP 404

Still working on that.  Email info@404movie.com if you want to help out or know more.

SOUND

Yep.  See below.

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

MARCH MADNESS

Just in case you didn't know

I'm spending all my time trying to make my first feature film:
"http 404"

I've just moved target shoot dates from June to September 2013 - shooting in NYC and the Hamptons/Montauk!

And then the other thing I do a lot of these days is work on film shoots as a Sound person. Aka sound mixer, location sound, sound.

I don't edit sound on computers. I arrive at film shoots and place microphones in strategic places and record the sound - for example, I'll put microphones on actors and record the words they say. This means I touch a lot of famous actresses in their bra area. It's only weird if you make it weird. Or if the actress is a diva and yells at you. Or if it's an actor who is really hairy. That's difficult. Usually I can hear their chest hair rubbing up against my microphone and I have to poke at the actor and move it around and then they get annoyed with me for poking at them and they simply don't understand my dedication to details.

I recently purchased a 664
if you don't know anything about it, the 664 is the new hot slut of the sound world.

People are so excited about this machine, they are saying it's the messiah of all rectangular boxes that mix and record, and that if you use it, you'll wet your underpants in the best way possible.

I believed the hype, and after 2 years of owning a 702/fp33 as my starter kit - I irresponsibly placed the 664 and $1k in accessories (bag, battery, cables) on my credit card.

My credit card loves being used like this and it knows it sets my heart afflutter among the roar of my student loan debt and lack of savings.

But we are all smiles,
because I'm a big winner with big phat juicy flame broiled dreams
and it's all going to be worth it in the end.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

CURRENT EVENTS: The Movie! by Heather Fink

Note: I did stand up at the "Camp Sunshine" show last night after being on a standup hiatus. I decided I wanted to do something new, and since comedy audiences love current events, and I'm better at writing scenes these days, I decided to write "Current Events: the movie!" and share it with the audience.
This year Hollywood decides last minute to have the oscars on a luxurious cruise ship to let the American people know that the Cruise industry is back - and better than ever

Before the event starts, the nominees are treated to a pre-oscars dinner which includes a delicious 5 course superblasted Horse-Meat meal by Guy Fieri, who will be played by Michael Cera in the upcoming Guy Fieri bio-pic
and following Oscar’s tradition of glamour and opulance, Mark Rubio will be on hand to personally replenish everyone’s water supply.

During the meal all of the business people from hollywood talk “Lincoln talk” and they come up with new Lincoln things, the CW puts everyone to shame with their cutting edge “Lincoln Diaries” where Lincoln is a teen in modern day upper society NYC going through the trials and tribulations of puberty and dating.

Finally the show begins, and the red carpet is spectacular
Not one to be outdone, Jennifer Lopez wears a dress made of Katy Perry’s Grammy Cleavage and Kate Upton’s swimsuit cleavage which, when combined, allows her to levitate 1 foot off the ground. Let me tell you the dress looks so amazing on her, it’s clear J Lo has made a comeback.

And because his Publicist wants to revamp his image, Blade Runner Oscar Pistorius blades down the red carpet in a striking yet bold classic Hugo Boss navy suit, and hair by Oribe
and because of his presense, nobody at the Oscars dares to use the bathroom this year

The Pope also struts his stuff on the red carpet, as he prepares for his post papal years he has much networking to do - lucky for the Pope - he’s offered a part in the new Expendibles movie, which he turns down because he’s holding out for the dad character on “Lincoln Diaries”

Seth MacFarlane opens up the show wearing a helmet made up of the newly discovered skeletal reconstruction of King Richard the 3rd - which he’s wearing for his truly hilarious Harlem Shake number featuring Seth surrounded by animated Family Guy characters - and let me tell you, Hollywood LOVES it. This is THE opening act that will be talked about for years to come.

At this point many of the celebs and beautiful people have peed all over all their seats because they were holding it in, so the acrid smell of urine permeates the air.

Now it’s time for the first award. Lena Dunham wins best Sound Editing for “Skyfall” which is considered a big upset for Hollywood sound editing maintstays like Wylie Stateman and Eugene Gearty.

Suddenly, a meteor blasts through the sky, and meteor rocks injure several oscar nominees and audience members, including Daniel Day Lewis who bursts into flames thus ending a brilliant and prolific career.

The only person left completely unscathed is Jennifer Lopez, protected by the magical busoms of Katy Perry and Kate Upton - who in that very moment realize that their names: Kate and Katy - are ALMOST the same and they become BREAST friends for life!

The bloodied, but defiant Alec Baldwin makes his way to the stage to present the next award - on the way he steps over Quentin Tarantino, whose arm is on fire. Tarantino grabs Baldwin’s pant leg with his other arm and whispers “Hey, I heard what you said to that NY Post reporter. We should collaborate on a screenplay some time.”

And now, it’s time to announce the winner of Best Picture. The award goes to: Beyonce, for Beyonce.

As Beyonce steps through the injured crowd to receive her award, (she looks amazing by way) the stage is rushed by none other LAPD sniper Chris Donnor, who everyone thought had died, but actually faked his death just for this moment.

Donnor approaches the stage and announces “The UCB theatre should pay it’s performers.”

Beyonce goes into Sasha Feirce mode and snaps the evil fugitive Donnor’s head off with her thighs.

Beyonce then asks Alec Baldwin, “What’s UCB?”

Alec replies “My dear Beyonce, I owe the UCB my career. Back when my brothers and I were young and extremely sexy, we teleported to the future and underwent improv training. After our poorly attended 301 show, we were sent back in time, and moments later I received my first big break on Knots Landing.”

At that moment Alec Baldwin realized Beyonce had stopped listening and walked away. She joined the more able bodied celebs - who were on their way to the Vanity Fair party - by fashioning lifeboats out of their giftbag goodies which included Moroccan Argan oil, Sea Snax, and a new line of Polystyrene Foam flats created by Christoph Waltz’s new Home Depot Collection: “Home” by Christoph

Alec was left alone in a sea of bodies, the stench of blood and PeePee in the air, surrounded by the sound of moans from those whose flesh was burning, and Alec pondered the events of his life in the face of an evening that would forever change Hollywood.

He closed the show with a reprise of the Harlem Shake, but THIS TIME, when the base dropped, there were no dancers to back him up.

THE END!

Wednesday, February 06, 2013

Follow up post Girls viewing: Lena Dunham opinion sharing Part 2 - Will people think that I'm copying Lena Dunham?

My stance on Lena Dunham has been updated - Following watching almost all episodes of Girls.

Girls is awesome holy crap. (SURPRISE, YOU SAW THIS COMING BUT THE TRUTH IS UNDENIABLE)
I can't believe anyone's gotten that close to that version of reality I am so familiar with - so much more remarkably familiar with than anything I've ever seen.
As a director, it is not easy to pull off something that comes across so effortlessly.
I wonder what my parents would think of that show. Would it scare the shit out of them that my life is anything like that or would they be cool with it?
And then I wonder about that mirror the show's creating for me.

I already do write in a similar style to Dunham.

Now that the show "Girls" exists,
and I'm a female
and a comedy writer/director
who lives in Greenpoint
and I also have a sexy tall psychopath in my life named Adam

will people think I'm copying Lena Dunham?

I REALLY HOPE THAT
it's just a sign that we are listening to women in new way, for the first time
and that HEY
we aren't all Lena Dunham or Lena Dunham copiers

I suspect other women feel this way too ...
as women maybe there's a similar quality to our voices
that isn't the same voice as men?

It's really fucking awesome that everyone likes what she's doing.
That means people
like
and respect
or at least empathize with
our people.

Do you fucking know how long I've been waiting for women to get the kind of respect "Girls" is giving to women in general?

It's just so fucking awesome to show something that more accurately represents the female brain ... although the Heather version would have some marked differences. I mean. My attitudes towards sexuality, science fiction, comic books, and reeboks for one.
We are different people.

And don't be thwarted by the Dunham haters. Mo haters means mo discussion and long lasting social relevance. It means you've struck a nerve.

Also. I know Lena Dunham would understand the epidemic of Lena Dunham jealousy previously discussed because I watched the episode where Lena was annoyed about Jenny Slate's character's book success. She gets it.

I live inside of a world like this.

and PS
Lena Dunham isn't racist.
She's sheltered.
It's probably her honest truth she doesn't know many black people.
Personally I hate the whitewashing I see in films and tv and I definitely don't write so white. But I don't think this comes from a hateful place. I think it comes from a sheltered place. And yeah, I do think now that she realizes the gross absence of diversity on her show, she's got to change that. And she is changing it, because she knows you're right and learned an important, and embarrassing, lesson.

I'd like to see Comedy Central give as much of a shit about women in their programming as HBO and Dunham are caring about rectifying the diversity problem on Girls.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

My official position on Lena Dunham

Jealous.

I mean holy crap - look at her go! She's got movies and tv shows and Judd Apatow works for her, and she does whatever the fuck she wants! And people like it! She might be the MOST enviable person the world has seen in years. I BET you are jealous too - Lena Dunham jealous even strikes the already famous people!

And then I get mad because she was born rich and privileged and then got people to give her really big opportunities and big breaks when she was super young and she didn't have to sweat and bleed to earn it. Not fair!

I'm not rich. Well actually no that's not fair. I'm definitely more privileged than starving kids in starvation places and have much to be grateful for. But let's just say I wasn't born into any advantages in this industry, and I've had an very intense underdog streak that involved punishments from teachers that I like to talking to my therapist about. I'm still underdog streaking. I'd like to win. All the losses are character building and adding up to ONE BIG SUPERMASSIVE PAYOFF! Right? Right yes don't off yourself.

Now -
I've barely seen the show. I don't have cable and can't seem to download episodes. I've got to get my hands on dvds. I've seen the pilot and didn't like it cause of all the privileged bitches and non-problems but I feel like it's still probably totally good. Everybody says so. I actually took time and watched every clip and scene HBO put out there and I liked all of them a lot. Seriously funny and well executed. I have a feeling the show is great and she does good work.

Exhibit A:

Furthermore -
Part of my life's mission is to foster a universe that respects women - ultimately bringing us closer to world peace and reducing violence against women. And an essential way to get there is to humanize women in society and see them as funny, capable, real, and whole beings instead of rapeable fuckholes that can make brownies.

And Lena Dunham is a good writer and director
And Lena Dunham is a girl, whose body isn't anorexic or plastic cause she's not obsessed with fitting the mold
And Lena Dunham shares the same ideals as I in film with regards to realism, humor in the small truthful moments, and throwing shame out the window
And people are listening to Lena Dunham. And they like and respect it. And they are laughing.

So - I wanted Amy Poehler, the absurdly talented remarkable hilarious comedy actress she is to win the acting award that Lena got. She's so fantastic and groundbreaking and generous and hardworking and deserves it. She's a Hillary. And she never gets to win.

But Lena got it.

Lena is doing all good things.
She is doing them well.

God bless her for that.
She is making a difference in the perception of women amongst our culture. We need more of it in an endless storm of female comedy competency. That's what I want. Storm! Blam Blam Blam so many amazing women doing comedy that the ARTICLES WILL STOP TALKING ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT WOMEN ARE FUNNY. Because for fuck's sake it's OBVIOUS. Everybody knows some funny women in life and tv now.

It's all summed up in the anecdote that at the 2012 Emmys, Louis CK whispered to Lena Dunham:

"What you are doing is important."

I agree.

So in summation I guess I need to say Thank You to Lena Dunham. I've just gone on about my jealousy and feelings about fairness but I'd be a douchebag idiot not to appreciate all of the good that is happening because of Lena's work.
And sincerely Thank You for the show Girls. One small step for womankind.

So

also

Can I have some? My turn.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Twin Peaks - the TV show review

(note - there's no big spoilers in here if you haven't seen it yet)

When Twin Peaks appeared on Netflix On Demand and Hulu for free, I figured I'd give it a try - and I highly recommend. I think it's a truly brilliant masterpiece, and I'm sure it's highly influential on future television. In the past few years especially, tv dramas have cared more than ever about cinematography - with Mad Men, Six Feet Under, and Breaking Bad as shining examples. I've loved David Lynch - and highly recommend downloading his audio book "To Catch a Fish" (he's a huge fan of transcendental meditation and he goes off on that a lot when there's so much more substance to his words beyond that. put the ipod on shuffle with your music and enjoy occasional treats from Lynch!) For some reason I thought in my head that I knew what Twin Peaks was all about from the glimpses I've had when it was on the air - but DUH, I was about 10 years old.

Hitchcock understood the GREAT IMPORTANCE of suspense in film. It matters in ALL genres from comedy to mystery in making moments count and the narrative exciting. Hitchcock Quote:

"I have always felt that you should do the minimum on screen to achieve the maximum effect. I believe the audience should work."

This is ESSENTIAL to great cinema and in Twin Peaks David Lynch plays with this a lot.

The characters are extremely well developed - fun, engaging, mysterious, sexy. Some characters are over the top in very specific, purposeful ways. He plays with audience expectations and the conventions of soap opera and bad television. Many people call Twin Peaks a satire of soap opera - in some ways, yes it is, but it's so much more than that. He's extremely aware of the audience's expectation as I mentioned before, and sometimes he plays with it so much it's clear he's got an incredible sense of humor. He earns every pleasurable moment of the show by telling his story with care and skill.

Nothing demonstrates the genius of the show more than when you get past Season 2 Episode 7, the last episode directed by David Lynch aside from the finale. The quality of the show declines rapidly, and then it gets even worse after the discovery of "who killed Laura Palmer" the over arching question of the show. What happens demonstrates the misunderstanding of and inability to replicate David Lynch's vision for the show and it's characters. The show is no longer clever and instead it hits you over the head with information, constantly indicating what it wants you to know - leaving no room for the audience to enjoy piecing things together. It becomes predictable, later romances are un earned (contrast the spark between Agent Cooper and Audrey with Agent Cooper and Heather Graham - notice how the relationship with Graham is completely undeveloped and simply served to you on a boring platter)

I think the show, and it's ultimate decline are a great demonstration of filmmaking skill, and by contrast lack there-of. For example - at the start of that sentence I just wrote - You can anticipate the later half of the sentence, what it's content will be. The mind fills in the blanks based on information given. It's a pleasure to do so and that's art. But you can only get there when you are given substance. Otherwise one just points to things they want you to see.

This is something I like to think of as the Tim Burton problem.

Tim Burton's masterpieces: Beeteljuice and Edward Scissorhands were followed by many great films - Ed Wood, Batman, Mars Attacks, and preceeded by the great Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. However by the time he got to Big Fish, he became detrimentally self-aware. He knew what it meant to "be Tim Burton" and he could no longer simply create without spewing out his signatures and what the audience expects from him - but on the wholly superficial level. And thus backlash. His creations became predictable parodies of his own work.

I feel the directors of later episodes of Twin Peaks picked up on what David Lynch was trying to create without truly understanding its depth and substance. It eventually went from beyond soap opera to exactly that. It's sad to watch poor Agent Cooper be so misunderstood, wasted, and poorly directed. The acting becomes terrible for the most part. Though I'd say the lovable Andy maintains his character better than some of the rest. Maybe he was easy for new directors and writers to understand.

I'd also want to credit the original co-writer Mark Foster as Twin Peaks is the result of their collaboration, and I know Foster wrote less and less as the show went on.

Thankfully the show is only 2 seasons long so you're not stuck with a situation like Gossip Girl - which was very well written and executed in it's early seasons, but later turned out about 3-4 seasons of complete horrible garbage all the way up until its insufferable finale.

Watch Twin Peaks and enjoy a show that was absolutely ahead of its time, and then go googling to understand its context and take a trip down early 90s lane - one of my favorite moments in American entertainment culture and the last great moment in modern music.

LINKS:
- Sesame Street Twin Peaks parody "Twin Beaks"
- SNL "Twin Peaks" parody
- Homer watches Twin Peaks
- Wikipedia entry on Twin Peaks (SPOILER ALERT so scroll carefully)