Thursday, February 21, 2013

CURRENT EVENTS: The Movie! by Heather Fink

Note: I did stand up at the "Camp Sunshine" show last night after being on a standup hiatus. I decided I wanted to do something new, and since comedy audiences love current events, and I'm better at writing scenes these days, I decided to write "Current Events: the movie!" and share it with the audience.
This year Hollywood decides last minute to have the oscars on a luxurious cruise ship to let the American people know that the Cruise industry is back - and better than ever

Before the event starts, the nominees are treated to a pre-oscars dinner which includes a delicious 5 course superblasted Horse-Meat meal by Guy Fieri, who will be played by Michael Cera in the upcoming Guy Fieri bio-pic
and following Oscar’s tradition of glamour and opulance, Mark Rubio will be on hand to personally replenish everyone’s water supply.

During the meal all of the business people from hollywood talk “Lincoln talk” and they come up with new Lincoln things, the CW puts everyone to shame with their cutting edge “Lincoln Diaries” where Lincoln is a teen in modern day upper society NYC going through the trials and tribulations of puberty and dating.

Finally the show begins, and the red carpet is spectacular
Not one to be outdone, Jennifer Lopez wears a dress made of Katy Perry’s Grammy Cleavage and Kate Upton’s swimsuit cleavage which, when combined, allows her to levitate 1 foot off the ground. Let me tell you the dress looks so amazing on her, it’s clear J Lo has made a comeback.

And because his Publicist wants to revamp his image, Blade Runner Oscar Pistorius blades down the red carpet in a striking yet bold classic Hugo Boss navy suit, and hair by Oribe
and because of his presense, nobody at the Oscars dares to use the bathroom this year

The Pope also struts his stuff on the red carpet, as he prepares for his post papal years he has much networking to do - lucky for the Pope - he’s offered a part in the new Expendibles movie, which he turns down because he’s holding out for the dad character on “Lincoln Diaries”

Seth MacFarlane opens up the show wearing a helmet made up of the newly discovered skeletal reconstruction of King Richard the 3rd - which he’s wearing for his truly hilarious Harlem Shake number featuring Seth surrounded by animated Family Guy characters - and let me tell you, Hollywood LOVES it. This is THE opening act that will be talked about for years to come.

At this point many of the celebs and beautiful people have peed all over all their seats because they were holding it in, so the acrid smell of urine permeates the air.

Now it’s time for the first award. Lena Dunham wins best Sound Editing for “Skyfall” which is considered a big upset for Hollywood sound editing maintstays like Wylie Stateman and Eugene Gearty.

Suddenly, a meteor blasts through the sky, and meteor rocks injure several oscar nominees and audience members, including Daniel Day Lewis who bursts into flames thus ending a brilliant and prolific career.

The only person left completely unscathed is Jennifer Lopez, protected by the magical busoms of Katy Perry and Kate Upton - who in that very moment realize that their names: Kate and Katy - are ALMOST the same and they become BREAST friends for life!

The bloodied, but defiant Alec Baldwin makes his way to the stage to present the next award - on the way he steps over Quentin Tarantino, whose arm is on fire. Tarantino grabs Baldwin’s pant leg with his other arm and whispers “Hey, I heard what you said to that NY Post reporter. We should collaborate on a screenplay some time.”

And now, it’s time to announce the winner of Best Picture. The award goes to: Beyonce, for Beyonce.

As Beyonce steps through the injured crowd to receive her award, (she looks amazing by way) the stage is rushed by none other LAPD sniper Chris Donnor, who everyone thought had died, but actually faked his death just for this moment.

Donnor approaches the stage and announces “The UCB theatre should pay it’s performers.”

Beyonce goes into Sasha Feirce mode and snaps the evil fugitive Donnor’s head off with her thighs.

Beyonce then asks Alec Baldwin, “What’s UCB?”

Alec replies “My dear Beyonce, I owe the UCB my career. Back when my brothers and I were young and extremely sexy, we teleported to the future and underwent improv training. After our poorly attended 301 show, we were sent back in time, and moments later I received my first big break on Knots Landing.”

At that moment Alec Baldwin realized Beyonce had stopped listening and walked away. She joined the more able bodied celebs - who were on their way to the Vanity Fair party - by fashioning lifeboats out of their giftbag goodies which included Moroccan Argan oil, Sea Snax, and a new line of Polystyrene Foam flats created by Christoph Waltz’s new Home Depot Collection: “Home” by Christoph

Alec was left alone in a sea of bodies, the stench of blood and PeePee in the air, surrounded by the sound of moans from those whose flesh was burning, and Alec pondered the events of his life in the face of an evening that would forever change Hollywood.

He closed the show with a reprise of the Harlem Shake, but THIS TIME, when the base dropped, there were no dancers to back him up.

THE END!

Wednesday, February 06, 2013

Follow up post Girls viewing: Lena Dunham opinion sharing Part 2 - Will people think that I'm copying Lena Dunham?

My stance on Lena Dunham has been updated - Following watching almost all episodes of Girls.

Girls is awesome holy crap. (SURPRISE, YOU SAW THIS COMING BUT THE TRUTH IS UNDENIABLE)
I can't believe anyone's gotten that close to that version of reality I am so familiar with - so much more remarkably familiar with than anything I've ever seen.
As a director, it is not easy to pull off something that comes across so effortlessly.
I wonder what my parents would think of that show. Would it scare the shit out of them that my life is anything like that or would they be cool with it?
And then I wonder about that mirror the show's creating for me.

I already do write in a similar style to Dunham.

Now that the show "Girls" exists,
and I'm a female
and a comedy writer/director
who lives in Greenpoint
and I also have a sexy tall psychopath in my life named Adam

will people think I'm copying Lena Dunham?

I REALLY HOPE THAT
it's just a sign that we are listening to women in new way, for the first time
and that HEY
we aren't all Lena Dunham or Lena Dunham copiers

I suspect other women feel this way too ...
as women maybe there's a similar quality to our voices
that isn't the same voice as men?

It's really fucking awesome that everyone likes what she's doing.
That means people
like
and respect
or at least empathize with
our people.

Do you fucking know how long I've been waiting for women to get the kind of respect "Girls" is giving to women in general?

It's just so fucking awesome to show something that more accurately represents the female brain ... although the Heather version would have some marked differences. I mean. My attitudes towards sexuality, science fiction, comic books, and reeboks for one.
We are different people.

And don't be thwarted by the Dunham haters. Mo haters means mo discussion and long lasting social relevance. It means you've struck a nerve.

Also. I know Lena Dunham would understand the epidemic of Lena Dunham jealousy previously discussed because I watched the episode where Lena was annoyed about Jenny Slate's character's book success. She gets it.

I live inside of a world like this.

and PS
Lena Dunham isn't racist.
She's sheltered.
It's probably her honest truth she doesn't know many black people.
Personally I hate the whitewashing I see in films and tv and I definitely don't write so white. But I don't think this comes from a hateful place. I think it comes from a sheltered place. And yeah, I do think now that she realizes the gross absence of diversity on her show, she's got to change that. And she is changing it, because she knows you're right and learned an important, and embarrassing, lesson.

I'd like to see Comedy Central give as much of a shit about women in their programming as HBO and Dunham are caring about rectifying the diversity problem on Girls.