Thursday, February 21, 2013

CURRENT EVENTS: The Movie! by Heather Fink

Note: I did stand up at the "Camp Sunshine" show last night after being on a standup hiatus. I decided I wanted to do something new, and since comedy audiences love current events, and I'm better at writing scenes these days, I decided to write "Current Events: the movie!" and share it with the audience.
This year Hollywood decides last minute to have the oscars on a luxurious cruise ship to let the American people know that the Cruise industry is back - and better than ever

Before the event starts, the nominees are treated to a pre-oscars dinner which includes a delicious 5 course superblasted Horse-Meat meal by Guy Fieri, who will be played by Michael Cera in the upcoming Guy Fieri bio-pic
and following Oscar’s tradition of glamour and opulance, Mark Rubio will be on hand to personally replenish everyone’s water supply.

During the meal all of the business people from hollywood talk “Lincoln talk” and they come up with new Lincoln things, the CW puts everyone to shame with their cutting edge “Lincoln Diaries” where Lincoln is a teen in modern day upper society NYC going through the trials and tribulations of puberty and dating.

Finally the show begins, and the red carpet is spectacular
Not one to be outdone, Jennifer Lopez wears a dress made of Katy Perry’s Grammy Cleavage and Kate Upton’s swimsuit cleavage which, when combined, allows her to levitate 1 foot off the ground. Let me tell you the dress looks so amazing on her, it’s clear J Lo has made a comeback.

And because his Publicist wants to revamp his image, Blade Runner Oscar Pistorius blades down the red carpet in a striking yet bold classic Hugo Boss navy suit, and hair by Oribe
and because of his presense, nobody at the Oscars dares to use the bathroom this year

The Pope also struts his stuff on the red carpet, as he prepares for his post papal years he has much networking to do - lucky for the Pope - he’s offered a part in the new Expendibles movie, which he turns down because he’s holding out for the dad character on “Lincoln Diaries”

Seth MacFarlane opens up the show wearing a helmet made up of the newly discovered skeletal reconstruction of King Richard the 3rd - which he’s wearing for his truly hilarious Harlem Shake number featuring Seth surrounded by animated Family Guy characters - and let me tell you, Hollywood LOVES it. This is THE opening act that will be talked about for years to come.

At this point many of the celebs and beautiful people have peed all over all their seats because they were holding it in, so the acrid smell of urine permeates the air.

Now it’s time for the first award. Lena Dunham wins best Sound Editing for “Skyfall” which is considered a big upset for Hollywood sound editing maintstays like Wylie Stateman and Eugene Gearty.

Suddenly, a meteor blasts through the sky, and meteor rocks injure several oscar nominees and audience members, including Daniel Day Lewis who bursts into flames thus ending a brilliant and prolific career.

The only person left completely unscathed is Jennifer Lopez, protected by the magical busoms of Katy Perry and Kate Upton - who in that very moment realize that their names: Kate and Katy - are ALMOST the same and they become BREAST friends for life!

The bloodied, but defiant Alec Baldwin makes his way to the stage to present the next award - on the way he steps over Quentin Tarantino, whose arm is on fire. Tarantino grabs Baldwin’s pant leg with his other arm and whispers “Hey, I heard what you said to that NY Post reporter. We should collaborate on a screenplay some time.”

And now, it’s time to announce the winner of Best Picture. The award goes to: Beyonce, for Beyonce.

As Beyonce steps through the injured crowd to receive her award, (she looks amazing by way) the stage is rushed by none other LAPD sniper Chris Donnor, who everyone thought had died, but actually faked his death just for this moment.

Donnor approaches the stage and announces “The UCB theatre should pay it’s performers.”

Beyonce goes into Sasha Feirce mode and snaps the evil fugitive Donnor’s head off with her thighs.

Beyonce then asks Alec Baldwin, “What’s UCB?”

Alec replies “My dear Beyonce, I owe the UCB my career. Back when my brothers and I were young and extremely sexy, we teleported to the future and underwent improv training. After our poorly attended 301 show, we were sent back in time, and moments later I received my first big break on Knots Landing.”

At that moment Alec Baldwin realized Beyonce had stopped listening and walked away. She joined the more able bodied celebs - who were on their way to the Vanity Fair party - by fashioning lifeboats out of their giftbag goodies which included Moroccan Argan oil, Sea Snax, and a new line of Polystyrene Foam flats created by Christoph Waltz’s new Home Depot Collection: “Home” by Christoph

Alec was left alone in a sea of bodies, the stench of blood and PeePee in the air, surrounded by the sound of moans from those whose flesh was burning, and Alec pondered the events of his life in the face of an evening that would forever change Hollywood.

He closed the show with a reprise of the Harlem Shake, but THIS TIME, when the base dropped, there were no dancers to back him up.


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