Saturday, May 24, 2014

Why won't people date me? A reaction to today's tragedy.

What happened today is extremely sad and disturbing.  I think there's other people out there who feel upset about dating and girls or boys "not wanting them" so I want to talk to those people.

There are many different reasons why many of us haven’t found someone to be with.  

1) Maybe you are unattractive.  
The solution to that is to work on being the most attractive person you can be, examine: your health, your personality (are you pleasant to be around), what you have to offer (do you have any skills or hobbies? do you have anything to say? do you know things?).  Those things can all be worked on: exercise, eating right, seeing a therapist, meditating, education, travel, learning a skill, working, volunteering - the list goes on and on and there’s a million things in your control that can make you more attractive!

I truly believe that you will attract someone who is as attractive as you.  And attractiveness is a reflection of the efforts you make in life.  If you are kind, you can attract someone kind.  Don’t expect a supermodel if you don’t look like one.  Maybe you can “get one” based on your personality or money BUT it’s unfair to EXPECT something that you can’t offer AND perhaps your values are screwed up (you just want someone for superficial reasons and expect someone to want you for the real you?!).  
How can you expect someone to love you for absolutely no reason?  You have to give someone happiness and love in order to get happiness and love in return.  If you don’t like someone for a REAL reason, and you just want them for their money or looks, you won’t have solved your loneliness or desire problem.  You are just being stupid, and you know better.  You do.

2) Maybe you are very attractive.
You aren’t good at flirting or dating.  
Maybe that’s a confidence thing.  Maybe you could observe others, or just become more aware of social cues, or really think about the kinds of things that make you smile, and think about how to do that with others.   Or maybe you have a hard time seeing the opposite sex as just regular people.  Don’t put them on a pedestal or treat them as alien creatures.  Treat them as friends and family.  Just talk to them like you would talk to any person.  Speak to them how you would like to be spoken to.  If you're awkward that's ok, it can be really cute, as long as you are SINCERE.  If they don’t like what you have to say, and you aren’t being a jerk - then maybe they aren’t very attractive or cool after all.  Don’t desire someone who doesn’t understand you or like the things you like.  That’s silly.

You will also have more to say, and be more natural at saying it, if you live a little.  Get out there and make experiences.  JUST DO THINGS ALREADY!  Don't be sheltered.  Do stuff.  There's all kinds of stuff to do.

You probably have to learn how to be friends with people from the opposite sex before you learn how to be attractive to them.  If you don't see them as normal people, you won't act normally around them, and you just might be creepy.  It's important to not be creepy.  People have natural instincts to protect themselves from harm, and romantic interactions are only possible when someone is comfortable enough to be vulnerable around you.

Important note: being pushy and forceful and not being able to sense how the other person feels - is extremely unattractive.  You have to learn social norms and understand people in order to make someone feel comfortable and interested in you.  You are desirable when someone is able to learn what is great about you, and then they have the opportunity to win you over!  You can make someone like you simply by showing them your best self, and creating the opportunity for that person to talk to you.  Don't repel them by being pushy, attract and entice them by being awesome.

3) Maybe you are very attractive AND you ARE good at dating and flirting.
But you just can’t find the right person.
This is a difficult one, but it's also normal and common, so give yourself a break.  You must accept that you can’t control what life brings your way, or who likes you, or how people act.  You can only control yourself.  You really must make it a priority to have a fulfilling and meaningful life outside of a relationship.  This can be challenging, but also very rewarding.  Appreciate the time you have to focus on your own projects and desires in life.  It’s really wonderful that love and sex are possible in life, but don’t stress out if you can’t find someone you want to do that with.  It doesn’t grow on trees.  Some people are less picky, or more lucky.  These are things you can’t help.  Life is mysterious and unpredictable.

I don't believe spending all of your time TRYING to date and meet people works very well, but obviously you won't meet anyone if you hide inside your house.  Balance is always healthy.

I do believe that the harder something is to achieve, the greater the reward.  I’m single still after a long time, and I feel attractive and that men like me - but I don’t feel something special with most men I meet - even if they are attractive, those special feelings are never guaranteed.  It happens once in a while and of course I enjoy it when it all works out.  Sure, I wish it happened all the time, that would be really fun.  But I can’t force my feelings, and I don't want to pretend to like someone, or settle for something less.  That's a recipe for disaster!  The loneliness that causes enhances my need to do great things on my own.  The fact that there’s no man around to support me has forced me to become a stronger and more capable person because I really have to face a lot of situations where I've got to be strong for myself, and figure out how to do something for myself.  I think that has a meaningful purpose in my life story, and that will influence how it all works out.  I also think that means that I have a lot more to give, and help me have a relationship out of desire and pleasure rather than necessity and dependency.  So those are all meaningful ways to look at that situation.

Good luck out there, kids.


If you have the desire to hurt someone, please talk about it and try to figure it out.   Discussion and thought really help people let go of their anger and hurt. 

Expect that your life will include sadness and pain and learn how to accept and process those things!

You CAN have a life full of joy and meaning.  You MAY NOT be able to have the life that you WANT if what you WANT is unreasonable, unrealistic, or simply out of reach.  That doesn't matter.  You can still have a good life that didn't go the way you PLANNED because life is MAGIC and MAGIC CAN'T BE PLANNED!  

Do your best and life does the rest.

1 comment:

Derek Horne said...

This is a brilliant essay, Heather. I knew you were a smart writer when I first saw your short comedy films, but I am so impressed at how you can also write such serious advice as well. But then I have always known that smart comedy films have more profound things to say about the world and society than a drama and it takes a really deep-thinking, deep-feeling, observant person to write good comedy. Thank you for taking the time to write this serious and honest essay. It's going to take more than gun control to stop the root of this kind of violence.