Friday, January 01, 2016

2015

YAY I DID IT TOO YALLS!  I WROTE AN INTROSPECTIVE REFLECTION ON MY YEAR ON NEW YEARS DAY! SORRY FOR YELLING
At 34, this has been the best year of my life so far for 2 reasons:
- personal career fulfillment
- being single and without kids (yet, if ever)

PERSONAL CAREER FULFILLMENT:

When, in my life, I did not feel connected to the ability to achieve my dreams, I was extremely depressed.  This year, among other things I loved, I shot my 1st feature film.  This was something I NEEDED to do.  At one point I told myself that even if I do this and fail, I'll always know I took the risk - rather than wonder "what if."  But at this point I can't in good faith say I failed, and I haven't even finished the movie yet.  (We shot it in June and it's in post production.  Should be finished in March.)  No matter what happens with this movie, I feel great about it already, and energized and connected to what comes next. I feel enabled to take those next steps.  In many ways I feel I've laid the foundation for doing what I want to do with my life, exactly as I'd always hoped and dreamed it would be.  I've had great many failures and difficulties in my way. I've overcome them, and guess what ... you guessed it: it made me stronger!  And better!  That's really a thing.

BEING SINGLE AND WITHOUT KIDS (yet, if ever):
So sure I may get married and have babies some day - but I haven't yet, and this has turned out to be a very good thing for me in my life thusfar.  There were times in my life that I judged myself and felt very bad and sad about being single, being dumped, being rejected (AKA my 20s AKA everyone's dumb 20s), and felt bad and pressured for not using tinder like a good girl - and I'm extremely happy that I dodged those bullets of fear to make it this far in life on my own.

I had a very bad ex boyfriend define much of my romantic life: past 8 plus years on and off.  And I would keep seeing him, even when the bastard had a new girlfriend, like a damn addiction - because it was fun, because it was wrong, because he made me feel everything on the spectrum of human emotion and .. you know, like, in my down-theres.

It was hard for me to see what was wrong with it since I wasn't hurting anyone else. I still met and dated other guys over those 8 years, still lived my life.  I've had people tell me he was getting in the way.  At first I thought that meant it was getting in the way of me meeting someone new - but that wasn't it.  It was getting in the way of meeting ME.

This is the year that I learned to not just be cool with it - but to be deeply happy and fulfilled in being alone.  To be able to have happiness that comes from myself.  To be able to know what I want.  To be able to know who I am.  To be able to know who I want to be.  Though I have done therapy in past years, and yoga from time to time - don't misinterpret this as high minded hippy dippy speak.  These feelings happened organically - not easily.  Nothing about getting here was easy at all.

After years of confusion, drama, and odd circumstance - I found myself here, eyes open, accepting so many things about myself that I never did before.

And also, feeling beautiful.

Fears of aging and losing my looks have proven to be foolish.  Even though my body and face has more flaws, I've come to notice that I have a much more powerful affect on others than I ever have.  Right now, on a regular basis, people seem more attracted to me than ever.  More attracted to me than when I was in my 20s, skinnier, with shinier hair, softer skin, higher heels, and with glorious youth.  Even just this New Years eve some girls in their twenties were repeatedly chiming "Oh my god I can't believe you're in your 30s oh my god!" and a guy I wanted in my 20s but couldn't get, seemed to very much want to get me.  This sort of thing has been happening all year.

And I shit you not I think these people are seeing my inner glow.  They are smelling the confidence and peace that comes with shedding desperation.  Sure - I really do take care of myself: exercise more now than before, fancy face creams, etc.  But why now? Why this year such a big response more than ever?  Why this year did so many exboyfriends even aside from the one I mentioned reach out? 

Why did drowning out the noise of a tindering world pay off so well?

I know the answer is that I've learned to be alone.  I know that I can continue to be alone and be happy and that spending time taking my solo journey is a precious gift.  I'm sitting here on fucking Walden Pond - but I'M THE POND dudes!

I don't need someone else to make me happy
(note this doesnt mean I don't need people, I need people - friends, family, collaborators, etc, sure, It's just that I'm not getting my self worth, meaning in life, and value from them)

AND SO IN CONCLUSION:
This is the best year of my life not because I achieved everything I ever wanted, nor do I have it all.

I have a concrete foundation upon which the things I actually want - can all be built.
AKA I'm at the start of the party, more harder better quality partying is imminent!

To those of you who've had a bad year - I've had those too.  Those bad years were essential stepping stones to this very very good year.

As Thales said, "All things are water."
Happy New Year!


A photo posted by Heather Fink (@leatherfink) on

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